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We are almost 1 yr post DDay. From Day 1 my husband took responsibility for his acting out last summer. No trickle truth and immediately went into therapy. ( he saw escorts last summer ) now before anyone says "oh I bet this wasn’t the first time, pls leave it, we have worked through all that and I believe him. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months.

I am a massage therapist and our whole family get massage regularly. He has had severe back pain and after being away on a business trip , went to an Asian massage business for his back. All that is ok with me except the place he went to has a sketchy reputation AND he didn’t tell me he went. I spoke with him 4x that day - he calls a lot while away in business . He said he was afraid to tell me 🤷‍♀️ and then as time went on he was nervous to tell me. 🤷‍♀️ so weird. I’m all for massage. It doesn’t make sense he didn’t tell me- he is saying that he was wrong should have told me and is sorry. He also has been self soothing with food as I found numerous charges on a cc I don’t usually check

He is so upset. I’m so angry. He said he is working on being transparent but it’s taking time and his dad used to do the same. I am heartbroken and frustrated that I have to deal with this sh*t when I thought we were through it 🤦‍♀️ any encouragement appreciated. I’m trying to not "throw out the baby with the bath water" we have had a great few months and are planning a big Christmas getaway where we considered renewing our vows. 25 yrs married 😢

Doesn’t sound good. He was nervous because he went to a place where they do the things. He knew it, or else he wouldn’t have hidden it. Whether he purchased the things is another story. I kind of get those places are convenient because they can handle a lot of walk in appointments, but it seems like if this was all on the up and up he would have said "look, I am in pain, this place is available, are you okay with it?"

Did you find it by looking at the cc? Were the charges bigger than a normal message?

One year out the ws has only begun to address their issues. Lasting change takes a lot of time. That’s in no way saying excuse anything, more it’s a warning that his issues are not yet behind you and things like vow renewals may be very premature and provide security to the ws. Some ws don’t work as hard in comfort. The self soothing with food all points to he has a propensity for addictive behavior and most addicts do relapse in some way. Whether he has just transferred it to food or if he has made a destructive choice, I can’t begin to know.

You are right to pause and evaluate the information you have. I don’t know what to make of it either but it’s not a good sign that he hid this. It tells me that he is still modifying his behavior for the relationship rather than wanting to make that change for himself. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking, and usually that is only carried out by someone who wants to be that person for thier own motivations and conscience.

Does he have issues with porn? The only reason I am asking is if there is addictive tendencies here, with porn and acting out, perhaps that needs to be looked at. Sex addiction is not an excuse or something you have to endure but knowing if he has it is the only way he will get proper treatment. That may be a stretch if he really isn’t acting out in this instance but your antenna is up for a reason.

He is not a sex addict. He did watch prom during Covid and that lead to escorts last summer . He cold turkey quite alcohol and porn on d day. He says the idea of watching prom gives him anxiety now as he knows he will loose his family :(

I agree. We aren’t as far along as I thought

You are a massage therapist… he knew exactly where he was going. And if he purchased extra services… he knew exactly what he was doing.

He didn’t buy extra services -

I don’t "work" on my husband.

Please Don’t make assumptions. Not helpful

now before anyone says "oh I bet this wasn’t the first time, pls leave it, we have worked through all that and I believe him. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months.

<sigh>

How do you say you believe him and in the next breath tell us about how he lied to you?

All that is ok with me except the place he went to has a sketchy reputation AND he didn’t tell me he went. I spoke with him 4x that day - he calls a lot while away in business . He said he was afraid to tell me 🤷‍♀️ and then as time went on he was nervous to tell me.

One doesn't accidentally end up at a sketchy massage parlor... and if it was an accident, he would've told you. He didn't because he was up to something.

It doesn’t make sense he didn’t tell me- he is saying that he was wrong should have told me and is sorry. He also has been self soothing with food as I found numerous charges on a cc I don’t usually check

What does this mean? Restaurant and take-out bills that seem suspiciously high for someone dining alone?

SatyaMom, you are not a stupid person. You're trying to make yourself into a stupid person in order to believe really ridiculous things because you love your husband and you want your marriage to work.

Your husband has no reason to stop lying because there are no consequences for doing so.

Very sorry to hear this. It must feel like a huge set back. If it were me, I would be hugely concerned largely due to the fact that his A took place in massage parlours by these types of workers. He then books a massage (when his wife is a massage therapist) without your knowledge and without your consent … this is not ok and shady behaviour on his part. Have you guys discussed boundaries around this type of scenario? How did you discover this particular visit … did he come clean or did you make the discovery?

I always like to give the benefit of the doubt and not jump to rash conclusions, however, I would be left wondering what happened during his visit at this massage parlour. While a BS healing isn’t linear and "perfect" I do also consider a WS journey to healing their brokenness won’t be perfect either … however, this type of behaviour is not acceptable and is now (I’m assuming) causing you additional flashbacks and setting off triggers from this time last year when he was engaged in this type of activity.

I don’t have much advice other than I would consider "slowing down" and not rushing the R process. I’m not that far off from your Dday and I’m still very very hesitant about working on R with my WH … each of us have our own healing to do first and foremost … with working on bits of us here and there. You know your WH best and I can’t speak to your situation with 💯 certainty … maybe a poly is in order to confirm if anything other than a massage took place? Also, if I were you (especially in these early days) I would of said right outta the gate that there is to be no visits of any kind to massage therapists in general. He lost that "privilege." If he wants or requires a massage it is by you OR by somebody reputable who maybe you know/trust and if need be you attend as well.

Again, so very sorry for this blow.

IMHO, it sounds like you have come here to get some encouragement from members here that you are doing everything right in how you are approaching things with your WH. The problem is that there is a both a tremendous diversity of opinion and a massive amount of aggregate wisdom and experience with the members. And both of those might challenge your position, which can be a good thing. My advice would be to take a closer look at advice that gets under your skin. Look at why it does that and dig a little deeper.

Take my latest relationship fiasco (new beginnings). Things did not work out and my gf turned out to be very different from who i thought she was. Some of the more seasoned vets called it on day one and tried to warn me, but I just couldn't or wouldn't recognize the red flags. That resulted in a significant amount of pain for me. Hopefully I'll learn from that, but human nature being what it is...

I floated the idea of one day renewing our vows shortly after dday. Looking back, I was just trying to fix things and make the pain stop. Four months later, I filed for D. From your post, I think you are a year out, which is still beginningish, at least if we go with the 2-5 year time-frame for healing, whi h seems to be pretty accurate.

Given this, it is quite likely that there are going to be other stages to go through, assuming you haven't experienced all of them yet, and they are nonlinear. Don't rush your healing, but rather process things fully.

Hoping for good things for you.

He is not a sex addict. He did watch prom during Covid and that lead to escorts last summer . He cold turkey quite alcohol and porn on d day. He says the idea of watching prom gives him anxiety now as he knows he will loose his family :(

I agree. We aren’t as far along as I thought

None of us here have enough info to know what he is or isn’t. So it’s a little bit like I am throwing some spaghetti to find what sticks. So please know anything I am saying is really just for you to think through not really to accuse him of something.

You say he didn’t buy services, I don’t really know. He hid what he did for a reason, and if he knows you are very pro massages that just doesn’t make sense. If he did buy them (not accusing) when he knows the stakes are so high, then that to me would spell addiction. He may rely on the idea that there is no way for you to prove anything and he certainly isn’t going to admit it knowing your response would likely be divorce.

Your husband quit drinking and went cold turkey from porn. That could be a sign he is white knuckling his way through trying to quit his addictions. Until the reasons behind the addictions are dealt with he is going to be susceptible.

I had an addiction to my ap. Then I dealt with the withdrawal by taking up cigarettes. I quit that about a year into things, and then I shopped maybe a bit incessantly for a while. Eventually, I did heal, but people like us rely on vices and that takes some time to work through. I didn’t ask about the sex addiction to accuse him of anything, it’s natural for a ws to oscillate between vices.

I am sorry but I would not blindly believe him that he didn’t do anything. Those places the women are trained to get more money and they are kind of aggressive about it. They say disgusting things like they will clean you up so your wife won’t know. I would ask him if he was propositioned. If he says no, I would tend to think he is hiding something further because they always let the men know other things are available.

I am not one to accuse others of anything, I myself am not perfect by any means. But something is not right, and I think you know that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:56 PM, Friday, August 9th]

You started off in a defensive posture, seemingly ready to swing on anyone who might even think that he's not telling you the whole story, but you know as well as we do that what he did was very shady, and that where there's smoke, there's usually fire. I think you might be in denial. And I totally get that. I was once there too.

The bottom line is that he lied by omission about the same sort of activity as when he cheated on you. He could have booked a massage with a reputable massage therapist, but he didn't. Why do you think that is?

He also has been self soothing with food as I found numerous charges on a cc I don’t usually check

You sure about that?

I really am not trying to be defensive , I am in pain 😢

The massage place is next to his office which is out of town. and takes walk ins. He has degenerative lumbar spine issues and I believe he was in pain but bad choice going to walk in massage place

I just don’t know … 😢

If I seem defensive, it’s just because quite honestly I see some people on here who seem very bitter. I am trying to heal and so is my husband. He was a great father and husband for 24 yrs and literally had a mental breakdown/midlife crisis and long haulers Covid which messed him up. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 10:22 PM, Friday, August 9th]

I was given a piece of advice when I first came to SI and that was everyone has an opinion and advice but you get to choose to listen to the parts that you think are suitable.

I guess some people on here may appear bitter but in all honesty they have that right as we all have been served a shit hand by our WS’s. I also think all people on here give advice with their best intentions whether it seems like that or not to us.

In your current situation there are red flags IMO. 1. He went knowingly to a massage parlour that is known to give sexual favours 2. He didn’t tell you about it. Both of these actions are simply not OK regardless of the fact whether anything sexual happened or not. He should suck up his pain and find a reputable massage therapist and he should tell you about it.

My WH has always kept things from me that he thought might upset me eg he once bought a massive TV and installed it in a room without consulting me as he knew I would not approve. This was one of the things he knew were shitty about his personality that he needed to change as it was obvious he could keep anything from me. After the A and when he told me he ‘had changed’ he went to a soccer game one night after getting back from a work trip rather than going straight home (I was out). He didn’t tell me about it and I lost my shit. It wasn’t because it was anything ‘sexual’ but it was because his behaviour was still the same. This event out our healing right back and he had to go back to IC as he Cleary hadn’t changed.

I find this similar to your husband. He needs to be telling the truth about everything to you. No exceptions! And honestly if he did you probably would not be having these doubts right now.

Thank you Webbit. This is the best response for me 🙏I appreciate you.

I don’t want to rush reconciliation but we are still in the same home. Difficult

Choices were made (for whatever reason) that completely derails your progress and healing. I don’t know why someone (the cheating spouse) would do that except to point out his poor coping skills that continue to impact your marriage.

Here’s the however part you may not want to read.

I used to make allowances and overlook things w/ my H. Even after his first affair (EA) that was years long I allowed him to sweep it under the rug. Never mentioned again until dday2 of affair2.

The fact your H is doing many things "right" is/was a good sign. But he chose to do something that he knew would be a direct threat to you and your healing and your marriage.

This is not going to be a one time thing. It is possible the next time he won’t even tell you.

Your H has issues based on the fact you see unusual food purchases as well. Was it for one person? Is he over eating as another of his coping skills?

Start putting your needs first in this marriage. He either meets your needs or you start making decisions about your future as his wife. Not saying D him but saying you need to ensure you are not settling in your marriage and accepting behavior from your spouse that is detrimental to your healing.

I am sorry you are going through this, I can feel your pain through your words. Your H violated rule #1 in R and that is honesty and transparency. He is still acting wayward by hiding this from you. Couples counselling at this point is a waste of time, you each need individual counselling. He needs to come clean and lay everything out for you.

Thank you Tanner and The 1st Wife- ❤️

I’m so sorry that you are in pain. One year out is really not that long, and as others have pointed out healing is non-linear. Are you in IC? I was still heavily in therapy at that point (I still do see a therapist today). Talking things through with someone who has been walking with you through this journey may be really helpful.

Satya, so sorry you are in a new triggering moment. I so often try to evaluate things with complete rationality. You being a massage therapist, and being completely OK with your husband, who deals with pain needing a massage from time to time, should have no guilty feelings of going to a different massage service. It's a professional service who's personnel act (or are supposed to) as professionals. If he was needing a massage, and the sketchy place was the only place available, she should have called and told you where he was about to go, and maybe suggest he's feeling uneasy about it. But to go, not say anything, try to hide it then feel ashamed, just doesn't add up in my book. He still obviously needs some IC to work on himself. There is no reason to feel guilty of doing nothing wrong. I wonder what the source of the guilt is. It could simply be that he didn't tell you in advance and that's his source of guilt. He is now walking on thinner ice when it comes to things like this. I really don't know what to say. I far too often assume the worst when there's nothing to actually see. It's just the world we live in now I guess.

I think another good point is you may need to step back and not take this personally. As in he did not do this to you but you are just the collateral damage.

His choice was not meant to fury you but unfortunately it did. His choice just continues to be his inability to cope or even just make the "right" choice.

His lying or whatever is not your fault and is not directed at you. His lying is his choice and his issue to deal with.

Once I understood my H’s behavior and why he would say one thing and do another, things started to make sense. Once he finally understood I wasn’t putting up with it for one more second, (9 years after Dday) he finally stopped doing it.

I hope this helps you.

Thank u all for taking the time to write your thoughtful responses.

We discussed this again last night. I told him I realized his actions were HARMING me. That’s how I feel. He looked at me wide eyed. He always carries so much shame. His response was the first time he has made since in this "I don’t know why I do that"

I really feel that physically and mentally this is harming me so much :( I have great self care habits but still am struggling. I’m considered “strong “ and I think he assumes that but this morning he is so remorseful and sad- it’s very hard to not just be the strong one and care for him. I love him and have for 27 yrs. It hurts to see him hurt …. But I agree with others. No consequences 🤷‍♀️ same behaviors. We are supposed to “lean into each other” during challenging times - I feel like I want to withdraw. I’m tired of being strong

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 1:40 PM, Sunday, August 11th]