SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve seen this term on here, but I haven’t really paid attention to it. I did some reading on this yesterday because it feels like I’ve hit this stage. I’m 20 months out. Some questions:

Does this also happen to WSs?
Does this phase usually hit before the Acceptance stage or after?
How long did it last for you?

I think that the POLF isn't really all that flat - its just that the whole affair process up to that point (suspicion, discovery, gaslighting, fighting, pain and misery) is more like the roller coaster of lethal whiplash. At least for me, the whole process was so stressful and so unstable that I felt on-edge every single day until at least a year post A ending. By the time you get to where things are a bit calmer and have time to breathe, maybe let your guard down a tiny bit, and look around at what you have just come through instead of just surviving.

I think oftentimes the A and the aftermath is a LOT to take in and accept as having really happened. To me the POLF period is kind of like walking through a bombed out town after you've decided to come out of hiding because you feel pretty sure the war is over and actually looking at the wreckage instead of just trying to stay alive. For some people, they see the rubble as a good place to rebuild. For others, it's hard to get excited about rebuilding when you can still see remnants of what use to be but is gone forever, and you feel like you just aren't sure what to do. I personally think that is what the POLF is all about. You have moved through battle, and the adrenaline has worn off, and you have a bit of time to try to figure out your next move because until that point you have been fighting so hard to save the marriage that you haven't really had time to just live with the reality of what is left of it.

Admittedly IDK if this applies to a WS in the same way but I think it may.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:16 PM, Wednesday, August 28th]

In my particular case my POLF didn't dissipate until I left the M.... but my xWS was not remorseful, very emotionally abusive and a serial cheater.

I had an experience like crazy blindsided.

Also this:

"the whole affair process up to that point (suspicion, discovery, gaslighting, fighting, pain and misery) is more like the roller coaster of lethal whiplash.:

Looking back it was like riding an unsafe rollercoaster while the sky was falling for me.

Edited to better answer the question, but I am not sure the process for wayward spouses…

[This message edited by Shehawk at 5:13 PM, Wednesday, August 28th]

The POLF and I have a love hate relationship. I've had multiple DDays. Every damn time I was almost done traversing that - LTAP came back and BAM! there I was back at the beginning.

By the last time I was a pro

But I realized around that last time, to stop using my energy to get through it as fast as I could at all costs - to accept the journey and focus on myself. That's when I started healing and traversing it got not quite so exhausting. You can't go over it - you can't go around it - you can't go under it - the only way to get through it is to get through it. Eventually you will realize you are traversing it like you own it. That's the beginning of the end of your journey in it.

It a journey that can't really be avoided. But can be managed. The ending will appear when you least expect it and stop looking for it. The edges are always close by - even now. That and that damned dreaded rabbit hole. I've gotten better at avoiding them over the years.

Posting on my personal experience as BS 8 years removed from DDay in Aug.

I did the pick me dance for the first 2 years based on poor advice from an older couple from our church and a marriage building website. I didn't find SI until after I committed to R. Early in year 3 during a non-A conversation (we actually never discuss the affair, classic rug sweeping) my WW made a comment that made me finally realize the selfish person she truly is and that I'm pretty much a paycheck to her. I stopped living my life for her and started to do things I wanted to do. I've stayed in the marriage to this day basically for my 3 daughters, all but one has left the nest. And the 2 that have left have made poor life choices despite how we raised them. I can't help but blame my wife's hypocrisy on that, maybe I didn't set the example I should have and left her immediately. But I didn't want to be a part time parent.

Anyway, my POLF:

1. I now regret not leaving her right away. She is not cheating now but she's never really done the work nor show any remorse. I feel she feels justified in what she did.

2. I don't share much with her about my thoughts and feelings. She doesn't really listen to my everyday things (hence I let her ask about my day and I'm very general and brief with my response, and then she takes over about her day). I sure as hell am not going to be vulnerable.

3. There is really no passion anymore. No sex for more than 2 years and I'm no longer attracted to her.

4. I don't miss her when we're apart. I miss my dogs more than her. I'm working away from home and I don't travel back home as much as I am permitted to. If my dogs were with me at my project, I would come home even less.

5. I don't see a future with her. There was a time early after DDay I couldn't imagine being without her. Now I already know a future together is not likely.

6. If I'm honest, she could die tomorrow and I wouldn't shed a tear. Not that I wish or am planning harm on her, I'm just indifferent.

And I guess that to me is the POLF - indifference

[This message edited by Knitaknee at 3:52 PM, Monday, September 2nd]

Knitaknee - your post reflects a lot of my feelings. You said:

1. I now regret not leaving her right away. She is not cheating now but she's never really done the work nor show any remorse. I feel she feels justified in what she did.

Do you plan on leaving once you are empty nesters? I think about this a lot.....whether to stay or go once we become empty nesters, which will be in 7 years. I kick myself all the time for overlooking some of the red flags before we had kids. I could have been in a totally different place by now.....but I wouldn't have the kids that I have, whom I love. So, my brain just goes around in circles all the time!

I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. I wish I'd done it sooner. My kids didn't need to be exposed to XWH'S toxicity and my covering for his issues. It affects their relationships now.

SoConfused,

I'm getting my ducks in a row. My youngest is maybe a year or two out from leaving, but she will be turning 21 in a few months and, sadly, my daughters found out about the affair before I did at ages 15, 13, and 12. They wanted to tell me several times but were afraid I wouldn't believe them and be mad at them.

I feel I've been in the POLF for the past 5 years, emotionally numb. I don't see my WW the way I used to. Unless she has some massive change I don't see us making 30 years (28 currently).