SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just over 2 weeks ago, I saw a text on my WH's phone. I wasn't even snooping. He was showing me a picture someone else sent him, and when he closed out of the pic, there was the flirty text from his AP, sitting at the top of his messages. Immediately I knew something was off. I asked him about it, he tried to deny it, then I asked to see his phone. He started to delete the texts from her but I grabbed his phone in time. There were only a few days worth of messages between them because he had been deleting them, but it was enough. I confronted him. He trickle truthed the confession. We went around and around for over an hour. I was strangely calm as I learned it'd been going on for a year and a half. They met up regularly. I know AP and her husband quite well; they've had us over for dinner, we've gone to events together, all while this affair was ongoing.

WH and AP met in AA as they are both in active recovery. I supported WH as he got sober and never once pushed or questioned him on the friends he made or time he spent with AA friends. In fact, the catalyst for his sobriety was that he had a ONS with a different woman years ago when we were together. He was drunk when he did it and confessed to me outright. He admitted to his drinking problem. We worked on our issues (or so I thought) and eventually got married. We'd been happy for the last several years. I thought we were solid. I trusted him; I never snooped. I was committed to him for life, just like I promised in our vows.

Shortly after I found about the affair, I called AP's husband and told him. I knew I would want someone else to tell me if the situation was reversed. AP's husband was shocked and devastated, but he thanked me for telling him. I told my own WH to never contact AP again, but of course he did the second he had the chance. He told her that I knew right as I was telling AP's husband. I'm glad AP's husband got the truth from me before AP had the chance to spin some lies.

WH is now staying with family about an hour away while I stayed in our home. For the last two weeks, he has continued to trickle truth me even though every conversation he says that's it, that's everything, that's the whole truth. I learned he's been DMing other woman on social media about having a crush on them, telling them they're beautiful, etc. even though he was seeing his AP regularly and our marriage and intimacy was solid (or at least I believed it was). He says it was for validation. Every work trip I took over the last 1.5 years, he brought AP into our home. Just the other day, he finally confessed to bringing AP into the bedroom despite promising me they never did anything in there, only in the living room. Every time he went to an AA meeting or event, they met up and got physical. They called each other "sobriety husband and wife" and at one point, he referred to himself as her boyfriend. He also admitted to abusing his prescription drugs over the last 6 months. He says he's stopped them.

I know this affair isn't about me. I was a fantastic spouse to him, supporting him through school, his sobriety, all of his little side projects that often got expensive. I take great care of myself. I'm good looking enough that I get hit on all the time when I go out with friends. I've never acted on anything of course, but I know what value I bring to a relationship. I'm creative. I'm the higher earner in this marriage. I'm well-connected because I work hard and treat people well.

He sought out a woman who was at "his" level who made him feel like a big man. Or something.

He is apologetic and desperate now that I kicked him out of the house. He says he wants to make amends. He says he wants to reconcile and save this marriage. He read that book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" after he saw I bought it on Amazon just to read for myself. He's going to mens only AA meetings. He takes every verbal lashing I give him. I have his computer at home with me to monitor his texts, emails, etc., but as I learned the other day, he's still logging into his social media. He deleted those DMs to other women (not AP) just a couple of days ago, and only told me because I figured out that he was logged into that social media on his phone at his family's house, even after he made a big show of deleting all his social media in front of me.

I won't make a decision about our marriage when I'm such a fraught emotional state, and I am so, so angry. The rage is nearly all-consuming. I can barely focus. I want to punish him and her. There are moments were I'm overwhelmingly sad, but I'm mostly mad. White-hot anger that overwhelms me. I know that I can only make these huge decisions when I have some mental and emotional clarity, but I don't know when that will be. I started seeing a therapist and have hope that will help. I have supportive friends and family. I'm trying to take care of myself with exercise, eating something, etc.

How do you process the rage? How do I function in my life when I'm so angry and devastated?

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are really good, too. The Healing Library is a great reference and contains the list of acronyms we use.

Kudos on contacting the OBS (other betrayed spouse). That was the right thing to do.

The anger is intense and can be overwhelming. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Other things to do to get rid of the anger can be varied. I used to go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. We were in the country, so I'd sit on the porch and howl with the dog. Other things include going for a walk, get a punching bag and use it, get a gym membership, go to one of those rage rooms where you can take a mallet and bash things, break dishes, freeze water in paper plates then take them outside and smash with a baseball bat, etc.

Unfortunately, there is no justice with infidelity. Please practice self-care at this time. You may also want to visit a lawyer or three to see what your situation would look like if you D (divorce). Not meaning that you would D, but it would give you knowledge. And any lawyer you visit couldn't have your WH (wayward husband) as a client due to conflict of interest, so it's a little devious.

Crushed,

Welcome to the club you can't believe you need to be in. It's a great place to be for people living this shit show.

My EXWH also met his AP at AA. He had been in the program and sober for almost 3 decades. She was a newcomer, who could not stop drinking.

My XWH went to men only meetings for years and years. Then, discovered the mixed gender groups. It didn't take long for him to become the big man on campus. His ego, already too big for comfort, just exploded. And, then he discovered the 13th step of AA.

It is mind boggling. I, too, supported his sobriety journey. Went to all the AA functions. Never had a problem with his friends from AA. Never once called him any bad names. Ever. She cursed at him all the time. She broke one of his fingers when drunk. You chose that???

I also remember the rage. I had never had that kind of anger before. How dare he do this after what I had been though with him. (major, major health situation with him too).

I walked and walked. I took one of our dogs and we walked for miles. The dog loved those times....LOL I ranted and raved to that dog. He was my therapy dog.

Find a therapist. That is what really saved me. And, this site. The people here are amazing. I do not post much, but I check in here almost every day.

Others will be posting with great help and support for you. That is what they do here.

I commend you on recognizing your self worth and know what you bring to the relationship and marriage.

The big question is what does he bring to the table? He is either addicted to alcohol, or prescription drugs or women. You have spent your precious time, energy, emotions fixing his addictions. You should be angry but use that rage to do what’s right for you. You need to take a break from him, from monitoring his devices . He is your biggest trigger right now. Going NC is the only way that you can get some peace and heal in the best way possible. If he is truly remorseful he will work on himself when you are not watching his actions. So take a big step back. He has a lot of work to do on himself to be even worthy of being in your life. He has a high chance of relapse ( three different addictions !) if he isn’t tackling this at the roots.

You are right in not taking a decision now with a traumatized mind. There is no rush. Take your time. Nothing is worth losing your peace of mind and mental health.
Set personal or professional goals for yourself. Make it all about you at this point. Go jogging when you feel that rage. Or sign up for a martial arts class . At some point talk to a lawyer. Only to see if a divorce sets you back financially.

It’s overwhelming, but take it one day at a time.
You got this !

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I'm not sure if I'm replying to everyone correctly as I haven't quite figured out if I can do direct replies yet, but I wanted to say thank you first and foremost.

I did speak to three different lawyers to get an understanding of what divorce looks like where I live. Unfortunately I have more to lose financially than he does. Damned "no fault" divorce states. If I do decide to divorce him, I'm hopeful that I can convince him to just give me what's mine and he takes what's his in an uncontested, collaborative divorce. We don't have any children so that's one positive thing in this mess.

I think I need to book a trip to a rage room. I had no idea these existed until this forum and some friends mentioned it. It would feel good to break some stuff and scream it out. I can't really do that in my city apartment, ha

I like my new therapist. We've only seen each other twice since this whole thing went down so we are still getting started on our work together, but I do have hope that she will help me find some clarity.

@betsy62, I'm sorry our stories are so similar. I hate that I can never trust the program again. My feelings towards AA are so negative right now. The AP he met at AA is a horrible person, like your situation. She cheated on her husband who is in remission from brain cancer. The things she's done...she's terrible. And this is who he chose? He's going to mens only meetings now, but of course I can't help but wonder what happens when he meets the wife of a new AA friend, etc. The program is forever tainted in my eyes.

@abalone123, you are right that I need to take a step back from monitoring him. I have too much going on in my life professionally to waste the time doing that. This is supposed to be a period of excitement as my work really ramps up, and he's taken that from me. The day I went to get an STI test was one of the biggest days of my career. I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I sat in a coffee shop after my test and couldn't stop shaking. So much for the creative joy I had worked so hard for.

Thank you again everyone. This too shall pass.

I have strong views on alcoholism, AA and infidelity. I’m not an addict myself, but have had close family members and have worked with addicts.

Basically – I don’t think an alcoholic is fully capable of reconciling in the way we would want that reconciliation to be. First the alcoholic needs to get a firmer grip on sobriety. Not using is not the same as being recovered. Not using is just the pause between the last drink and the next one. Sobriety is so much more complex, and it is a multi-year process to reach what might be considered "safe". Like I suspect your husband just switched one fix for another.

I fear that if your husband used AA as a place to establish an unhealthy relationship... well... then he’s not going to AA for the right reasons. That in turn makes me doubt the integrity and sustainability of his sobriety. I would fear that he’s sober to maintain being around her, rather than being sober for the only true reason: Himself.
There is a reason larger communities try to offer gender-divided AA meetings, same-age, same-drug-of-choice and so on. These AA relationships tend to be two broken souls that aren’t truly capable of helping each other. (Having said that – for someone well into recovery and sobriety (like +3-5 years) then AA can lead to fruitful personal relationships).

My take on the situation:
It’s totally your call. I can fully understand that the battle with alcoholism has taken a toll on the relationship. I can also fully understand how the "repayment" for your sacrifices of him having an affair with someone found in the tool for recovery AND a friend is also an extreme toll.
Add the no kids... I strongly suggest you take what seems like a financial hit and accept divorce. Divorce is this mathematical enigma where somehow both parties feel they take a hit and get less than half.

Having said that...
I also get your need or willingness to wait. For me there would be a couple of key-issues though.
First of all: A complete understanding from him that his actions are his choice and that any and all actions need to be based on honesty. That honesty includes telling you that he wont or can’t comply with your demands, that he choses her instead of you, that he doesn’t want to focus on his sobriety or thinks he has that in the bag or whatever. It also includes YOUR honesty in letting him know that YOU can decide to end this relationship if you don’t feel safe in his next steps.

Key factor being he finds a new tool for his sobriety. Still AA (IMHO the best "tool" for recovery), but a different group, preferably all-male, and where he publicly admits what made him joint THAT group (i.e. own the affair). This isn’t punishment or revenge, but rather allows the others in the group to offer better assistance in him moving forward. It’s OK that this group intermingles with other groups (many attend various groups) and that the affair becomes common knowledge. That’s the power that will put pressure on them to remain apart. If he’s attending a meeting where others know of their relationship it would help both of them in retaining NC.
A new sponsor that is aware of the situation.
3-5 weekly meetings.
Dedicated and intense 12-step work.

I would think that if he were to commit to all this for 3-4 months you might finally be at a place where more emphasis could be placed on working on your relationship.

I strongly recommend you read up about and maybe attend some Al Anon meetings. Chances are – if you are like about 99% of all partners of an addict – you have a very codependent relationship. Maybe a couple of Al Anon meetings, seminars or such would help you better understand how his alcoholism is and has affected you.

@Bigger, thank you for your reply. It's helpful to hear from someone who has a lot of experience with people in recovery and the AA program.

WH does seem to know that whatever happens in this marriage is 100% my call. He is going to men's only meetings. He's providing proof (screenshots of the meeting info from the AA website) of where he's going and I check to make sure that's where he is with location sharing. I hate having to do that, but so far he's been where he says he's going to be. WH is going to 2-3 meetings per week now. Allegedly.

I go back and forth on whether WH should get a new sponsor. His current sponsor of 7 years is a good person who had no idea about the affair until WH told him (at my request). The sponsor is a very kind person and one of the few WH didn't manipulate to cover up the affair. All others from the program who were a part of that "friend group" where WH and AP hung out and used to cover up what they were doing have been cut out of WH's life. He texted each person, told them what he'd done, and cut off contact. I watched him do it.

I completely forgot about Al Anon. Thank you for the recommendation. I'm going to a meeting on Tuesday.

Addictions hijack the logical part of the brain. When you think you are talking to a rational person they are wondering when their next drink, drug, sexual time is. It takes a very long time to get a healthy brain after mistreating it.

Look after your health. If you have trouble eating use Ensure or other drinks designed to give you enough protein, vitamins and minerals. See a dr for meds if you need help with anxiety and sleep. Try to get time outside.

Hi Crushed in the City:

I am so sorry you are here. But I am glad you found it so quickly.

So much in your post resonated with me. I too am the higher wage earner, was loyal and loving. I supported my WH through job changes and many many hobbies that were expensive. I would have said his chance of cheating were zero. And here we are.

You will get so much fantastic insight here. We are in reconciliation. That was my choice. You are early days and whatever you decide, you sound like a person who is strong and steady and will make the right choice.

Again, just jumping on to say we truly understand these early days. It is unimaginably hard. I am so glad you told the AP husband. My H's AP was a widow. But I dearly wish someone had told me what was going on. An anonymous note would have been a gift. I will always inform an innocent souse if I know (I mean really know) they are being cheated on.

Please take good care of yourself. It sounds trite but guard your sleep, hydrate.

Bug hugs.

I go back and forth on whether WH should get a new sponsor. His current sponsor of 7 years is a good person who had no idea about the affair until WH told him (at my request). The sponsor is a very kind person and one of the few WH didn't manipulate to cover up the affair.

Not going to harp on him getting a new sponsor, but I note a couple of things in the above comment:
You talk about his recent sobriety, yet a sponsor of 7 years... Relapse?
That’s the norm... It’s a rare beast where an addict sobers up and stays sober right at the first attempt.
He hid the affair from the sponsor... Has your WH done the 12-step work? Has the sponsor held him accountable to repeat that process? Many recovering alcoholics might repeat the process every couple of years, and even "fully" recovered with decades of sobriety revisit the process regularly. It becomes easier with time since the first couple of times require you shift through all your dirt, and it becomes easier once you have done the heavy-lifting.
But... if he was in active recovery and was using his sponsor like he should be using his sponsor then his sponsor would have known AND would have encouraged your husband to stop the affair as part of his sobriety. Your husband manipulated his sponsor just like he manipulated you. Two of the three people that are key to his sobriety (third being himself...)

There needs to be a distance from you and the sponsor and the actual detailed process of his sobriety... However, I encourage you to talk to the sponsor and make him aware of your fears and that he open the possibility of asking your husband if he (the sponsor) is allowed to communicate a couple of "facts" for you. Like if the OW is in meetings your husband attends, if he is really going to 2-3 meetings and if the sponsor feels your husband is making progress. No details – but general info.

Other than that... I suggest you tell your husband that he is free to pull the wool over you and himself on his sobriety. He can go watch a game rather than attend a meeting or sit in the corner all quiet taking a nap. He can spend the time with OW or whatever... The truth will come out and if you have doubts or don’t think he’s doing the work it will inevitably lead you further away from the marriage. It’s his role to convince you through accountable actions and not your role to mother him and monitor.