SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sure my story is like a lot of others. I was previously married and my marriage broke up due to him cheating. I told my current boyfriend all about my past and the trauma that I had surrounding it and he promised he would never do that to me. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and I find out he had been carrying on a whole other relationship with someone. We talked and I decided to forgive him and move on and repair our relationship. Fast forward to this week and I think he is cheating on me yet again with someone different. Now he won’t even talk to me. How do I get past this? Why does this keep happening to me? And why is there a part of me that really doesn’t want to let him go?

You poor thing. You sound like you could be old enough to be one of my daughters. I would tell them to not accept the behaviour and put their foot down and to go and see a counsellor.

One of the things that helps me at the moment is that I recently became a grandmother for the first time. When I open my phone I see the beaming smile of my perfect baby granddaughter, and I think would what is happening to me be acceptable or good enough for her? The answer is NO. So it's not good enough for me either.

Do you have a girlfriend or family member you can talk to?

First, the welcome message: Welcome to SI, and I'm sorry that you're joining us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum as well as some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms that we use.

I am so sorry that you're here. Did you set any boundaries or consequences if he cheated again? You may wish to read the boundaries & consequences thread and the before you say reconcile - recover. Cheaters lie and then lie some more. One of the boundaries that I had was no sexual contact with other women, and the consequence of breaking that boundary would be D (divorce). He crossed the boundary again, so now we are D.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. When in IC, work on recognizing red flags in relationship behavior. As one SI member has said to others, it sounds like your "picker" is broken. Some cheaters and people with personality disorders will pick targets and lie to them for a long time until their mask slips and you can see who they are. You get past this with therapy, healing and time.

Sometimes, it takes awhile for your heart to catch up with your head. You may still be seeing him through rose-colored glasses and not who he really is.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I have seen this scenario often. It’s almost like you are targeted as vulnerable to cheating. What your WP has done to you knowing your history is despicable. Great advice to work on your picker. You can do this. Do get into IC. I noticed you mentioned you forgave him and decided to repair your relationship. The problem is you cannot repair your relationship by yourself. And, your relationship didn’t fail. Your WP failed you. He lacks the integrity to be a faithful partner. After the first instance he went right back to cheating.

Take care of you. Do read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs. Protect yourself financially and begin moving out of this relationship. You deserve so much better. Always value yourself! Good luck.

If he won’t talk to you then I would venture to say the relationship is over.

Even if he does talk to you — he’s done this more than once.

I am so sorry for you. You deserve better.

One of the hardest things to do is change our inner dialogue. Something in your past set you up to pick people who will hurt you. This is when you need therapy with someone who can help you did up all those memories so that you will have very strong boundaries FOR YOURSELF. I think you should read THE GIFT OF FEAR. It is all about being able to recognize things and people who are not good for us and often dangerous.

You should not try to hold onto an unlikable person. For him to do this makes him unlikable. You deserve better.

Now he won’t even talk to me. How do I get past this?

First of all, what is it you need to talk to him about?
Look at it this way: Imagine your house was burglarized. A few days later the cops catch the thief and you get to confront him. Is there anything he can say that makes what he did OK or even understandable for you? You would still be out of your TV, computer and jewelry. You would still be feeling uneasy about someone having riffled through your underwear drawer. You would still have a sense of not being safe.
Whatever you were to ask him and whatever he would say... It won’t do any good.
You don’t NEED to talk to him, so don’t even give him the pleasure of trying to.

Second: How do you get past this?
By ignoring him. By ignoring the tool that caused your pain.
Instead focus on the pain itself, and what to do to prevent experiencing it again.
You take it easy in going back to the relationship-game.
You spend more time getting to know them.
You let your guard down slowly and gradually.
You communicate and make 100% certain the message is understood.

You have time for all the above. You don’t need to get past this via HIM. The work is all internal and all with you. All he would do is slow you down.

How do I get past this? Why does this keep happening to me? And why is there a part of me that really doesn’t want to let him go?

Be grateful that your ex isn't even talking to you anymore because it means that he's not trying to rope you back in. No contact = no new hurts. The clock can start on your healing.

Based on the little information that you've provided, you're clearly willing to settle for less than what you deserve. After going through the trauma of cheating in your marriage, your boyfriend should've been kicked to the curb immediately or, at the very least, had to jump through hoops over the course of extended period of time in order to prove himself worthy of second chance.

Unfortunately, the type of guys who can manage to juggle multiple relationships are extremely charming and manipulative. You're pining after him because your heart still hasn't caught up to your head in realizing that the person you thought you were in love with is not the person he actually is.

As far as practical advice for moving on, stop trying to contact him and block him for any means of contacting you, lest he try to weasel his way back. Get yourself into therapy so you can unpack what's behind your low sense of personal value and perhaps discover what's attracting you to creeps. Most importantly, don't start dating right away... give yourself time to heal and work on honing your bullshit detector.

I'm going to break it down for you. It will be short, sweet and blunt:

Now he won’t even talk to me.

Tells you all you need to know. Consider it a blessing and return the favor.

How do I get past this?

One baby step at a time.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Because for some reason you keep choosing these shitty people. A good IC can help you figure out if your picker is broken or these people are just scum or both.

And why is there a part of me that really doesn’t want to let him go?

Because you are a beautiful person who has feelings for who you thought he was/wanted him to be. You are allowed to mourn that loss.