SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I have posted my story on JFO. Here's the link: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661846/she-burnt-me-with-her-twin-flame/?ap=1

My wife has been remorseful and is doing all the "work" she is supposed to do. A few months ago, she changed therapists on her own initiative because she wasn't happy with the one she had before. She has been cooperative and patient with my healing. She is aware of my triggers and has been educating herself through her therapist and books to understand my pain and help me deal with it. Our relationship now feels deeper and more intimate than it was before her infidelity. This tragedy has given her enough motivation and a sense of urgency to address pre-infidelity issues. I feel she is doing great. She seems focused on resolving our issues while also addressing her own demons.

Even with all the progress she has made in the past few months, I still remain in some sort of limbo. I am happy for her, but not for myself. I don't feel like I have made much progress. I spend most of my time in therapy dealing with my anger issues. Every time a new detail of her infidelity comes to light, I get angry and disturbed. Then, I have to deal with that pain and anger through my therapist. Although no new details have surfaced in the past few months, I still live in fear that I might come across something even more disturbing. This fear is causing immense stress. I'm trying to manage this stress and pain not only through therapy but also through my usual social activities. I am going out with my friends again. Last month, I participated in a local club-level sports tournament with my friends. This is an annual event that my wife and I participate in every year. This year, playing felt different. It was fun and a much-needed distraction for both me and my wife. We bonded in a new way during the tournament. For a while, we set aside our marital issues and focused on something fun, lighthearted, and passionate.

Despite these positive developments, I feel conflicted and scared. I worry that something bad might happen again. I'm scared of getting intimately close to her again. What if she hurts me again? What if these triggers I experience get stronger and last longer as I grow closer to her?

My therapist says I shouldn't let this fear undermine the progress we've made in our marriage. I understand that this is a phase I have to go through. I know I can't go back to trusting her without feeling fear and anxiety. I know I should focus on healing, self-care, and that giving in to this fear is counterproductive to my healing. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

I'm seeking wisdom from others. How do I deal with this feeling? Am I being unreasonable with my wife? She has never verbally complained about my fear and hesitation to get intimate with her again, but I can see her frustration and annoyance growing.

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 AM, Saturday, August 31st]

How much of your anxiety about moving forward do you think is due to worry about another revelation? It probably would be quite a bit of it for me.

Did she give you a complete written timeline with every detail? Did you follow that up with a polygraph to confirm its totality?
How many people here had at least some of their anxiety and weight on their shoulders relieved because of those two things?

What you're describing sounds a lot like PTSD. You were terribly traumatized and it would only make sense there's some deep emotional scar tissue.
Does your therapist offer EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment? I've personally used it for PTSD treatment and it really can work.

I'm seeking wisdom from others. How do I deal with this feeling? Am I being unreasonable with my wife? She has never verbally complained about my fear and hesitation to get intimate with her again, but I can see her frustration and annoyance growing.

Really good questions. I think all betrayeds face the sane questions whether your D or R.

First you are not being unreasonable at all. She caused you trauma and intense emotional pain and what you are feeling is normal.

Second you are entitled to your feelings. It’s too bad if your wife does not like it. She created this situation and needs to live with the consequences. Period.

Third - is the YOU focus. You have to get to a place where you recognize you are vulnerable BUT you will be okay if things don’t work out.

My experience was my H had a typical midlife crisis affair. He was Divorcing me after knowing the other woman a few months. She was much younger and single (no kids) and suddenly my H wants to be single (but we had kids).

Anyway in order to R I had and still have a solid plan B. Money in the bank. Signed post nup agreement. I know every asset we have and where all the accounts are. I keep my eye on the real estate market to know my options. Kids are adults so that’s not an issue.

If he left me tomorrow or cheated again I would be very sad and hurt. But I can tell you I will not be picking myself up off the floor like his last affair or first affair.

I’m good with him or without him. And that is where you should aim to be. Because if you give in to your fears, you are not living your best life. You deserve a happy and fulfilling marriage/life.

Everyone is vulnerable. Friends can turn on you. Your job can change and terminate you. Your church or social groups can become toxic or even harmful to you. But you don’t let it stop you. You face vulnerability every day and may not even realize it.

I hope this helps you.

Every time a new detail of her infidelity comes to light, I get angry and disturbed.

She had done numerous timelines. Why at this point are you finding out new details?

From my reading here, you are at a very critical point in reconciliation. The first months she was in panic mode and wiling to do anything to save the marriage. However now she is starting to get into the stage that many WS do when they have done a few months of work, but are starting to feel "why is he/she not over this yet?" It is at this point they are tempted to reach out to the AP, especially in those cases such as yours where there was a highly emotional component to the cheating.

I’m not saying she is, but I would be super diligent.

As to your progress, after finding out what you did and her deceptions, especially when she put her AP first over you time after time, you are ahead of the curve in trying to heal. It’s like breaking your leg and after 2 months your mind feels like you can run a 100 yard sprint, but your body just can’t. You can’t rush the healing process.

You sound like you're well within the range of normality for someone 9-10 months out from d-day.

You can't know what she will do. My bet is that she desn't know how long she'll stay committed to you if the twin-flame crap is still in her head. (And I say it's crap even though I believe that soul mates exist.)

Part of R - in fact, part of recovering from being betrayed irrespective of the resolution - is that you both have to wait to see how the story works out. It takes years to find out how you will heal and how your W will heal. The period of uncertainty is terrible to experience, but it's worth accepting the fear if you think the payoff is worth the effort.

Your recovery and resolution will take as long as it will take. The quickest way through is to accept the pain and let it flow though and out of your body. Recovering is hard work. The upside is that recovery is largely in your hands.

When I was 9 months out, I was afraid that any issue that came up could kill our M. After lots of issue resolution, I decided we could resolve any issue that came up, and my fear receded. Now, almost 14 years out, I know there may be an issue that we can't resolve - but if that happens, we can split.

*****

Some people switch ICs because the IC gets too close to an issue the client doesn't want to address. It doesn't look like that's why your W changed, but keep that reason in mind.

Is your W still TTing? Or is the new info just detail around events that you already know about?

Just as The1stWife said, your healing and recovery progresses at the pace you set. Your wife has the choice to either be patient or she can leave, that is her decision.

Trying to rush through healing is a recipe for disaster. There are times when my wife and I take two steps forward and then it feels like we take three steps backward. I still don't think I know all of the details regarding her sexting with a married coworker 13 years my younger

There are a few questions that I am still getting answers of I don't know which may be true but those unknowns are keeping me from taking a step forward in our relationship. A couple of things that have come out that I call trickle truths but my wife says they are not

There are days when I feel perfectly fine and then suddenly there are days and times when thoughts flood into my brain but I am able to deal with them much better today than I could a few months ago

I have thought about asking my wife if she would take a polygraph test just to see her reaction. If she said no problem without hesitation that would speak volumes. If she started asking questions such as why that would also speak volumes or if she flat out refused that would tell me our relationship might not be worth salvaging

Heal at your own pace. Do not rush it, do not take shortcuts just to appease your wife. She only has herself to blame for her discomfort

Use this analogy. She shot you…deliberately but decided later it was wrong. You still had to have surgery, rehab, walker, then cane, lots of pain that in several years subsides somewhat but there will always be twinges because it was a pretty bad injury. Your brain is part of your body. It keeps getting flooded with adrenaline and cortisol and more. They allow the primitive part of your brain to take over. It is not the rational part, it is the part that instantly reacts to danger. Make no mistake, your wife did you an injury and your pb keeps trying to get you out of it. I think it has now become a "habit". Every thing in your life is a trigger so you need EMDR with a therapist trained in it. Your poor brain needs to rest and your entire body is paying the price for this fear. because it is always ready to run from the danger you see around every corner. Your pb does not recognize the difference between a lion or her affair. It just tries to get you to safety.

Just a note. If you soiled yourself, wet yourself, vomited, lost appetite it is because your body lightened the load so you could run from danger. When I first heard about my husband I lost my appetite immediately. This stress is cumlative. Get help.

I like all the advice you're getting. Please take it in.

One question... does she know how you feel? Have you explained to her what you detailed in your original post?

If not please sit her down and tell her.

If so, what does she say to it. Hopefully it's supportive.

Truth is, innocent trust is gone forever. What it needs to be replaced with is dedication and hard work on her part. Yes yours too, but it's her perseverance that brings forward a new kind of trust.

The1stWife-

Thank you for your response. It hits on a lot of points I’ve been struggling with. The trauma and emotional pain have been intense, and I absolutely hate feeling this vulnerable. That vulnerability is fueling a lot of my anger right now. It’s hard to accept that someone I trusted completely could put me in this position, and it makes me resent the fact that she has any power over how I feel.

I know you’re right about needing to get to a place where I’m okay no matter what happens, but I’m not there yet. The idea of having a plan B—being financially and emotionally prepared—is something I can see the value in. It’s just tough to think about moving forward without constantly feeling like I’m on edge or waiting for the next betrayal. I hate that this situation has made me feel weak when all I want is to feel in control of my life again.

I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but it’s frustrating to know that this vulnerability is something I have to work through. Your experience helps me realize that getting stronger is possible, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Thanks again for sharing—your words definitely give me something to think about.

OhItsYou-

Most of my anxiety isn’t really about new details of her affair. I feel like I already know most of it by now. My real worry comes from discovering things about our marriage and my wife’s feelings that I was unaware of, both before and during the affair. It's those realizations that have been messing with my head the most.

As for the timeline, she did give me one, and it covered a lot of what happened during the affair. But there were still important details left out, and I had to follow up with her to fill in the gaps. I haven’t done a polygraph, and honestly, the reason I haven’t gone that route is because I feel like I already know everything I need to about the affair. At this point, a polygraph feels unnecessary, as I don't expect any new shocking details to come out. Thanks for asking. It helps to talk this through.

1994-

I’ve thought about that, and it does feel like there’s some form of PTSD at play. The trauma from everything has definitely left some deep emotional scars.

My therapist did recommend EMDR, but she isn’t trained in it herself. I haven’t started it yet because I’m comfortable with my current therapist and not sure if I should switch to someone else just for EMDR. I’ve heard it can be effective, though, and I might have to consider it more seriously if this keeps weighing on me. Thanks for sharing your experience—it helps to know it’s worked for others.

waitedwaytoolong-

I’ve asked myself the same thing—why am I still discovering new details after multiple timelines? It’s frustrating. The new things I’m learning now aren’t directly about the affair itself but more about the state of our marriage, her thoughts, and feelings during and before the affair, which she either didn’t share or I wasn’t aware of. These realizations are hitting me just as hard.

I also see your point about this being a critical stage in reconciliation. She has made some progress, but I do sense there’s a shift, and I wonder if she’s starting to question why I'm not "over it" yet. I don’t think she’s reaching out to her AP, but like you said, I’m being super diligent. I can’t afford to let my guard down.

Your analogy about healing is spot on. Emotionally, I might feel like I should be in a better place, but the scars run deep, and I’m not rushing the process. It helps to hear that this is normal and part of the journey. Thanks for your insights.

sisoon-

Thanks for that perspective. It’s reassuring to know that what I’m feeling is within the normal range for where I’m at. The uncertainty, like you mentioned, is one of the hardest parts. There’s definitely that fear of not knowing how long she’ll stay committed or if she’s fully let go of the twin-flame fantasy, but I’m trying to focus on the fact that the future is out of my hands.

You’re right, it’s going to take years to see how both of us heal, and the waiting is brutal. Accepting the pain and letting it flow through, like you said, seems like the only way forward. I’m trying to focus on my recovery, and it helps to hear that this process is largely in my control.

As for the new information, it’s not trickle truth at this point. The major details about the affair are already out there. The new stuff I’m learning is more about her thoughts and feelings around our marriage, some of which I had no idea about. It's frustrating to uncover, but it doesn’t feel like she’s actively hiding things anymore. Appreciate your insight

WB1340-

I really appreciate your words. I’m definitely learning that healing has to happen at its own pace. Like you said, my wife has the choice to either be patient or walk away—that’s on her. I’ve realized that trying to rush through it, just to make things easier for her or to move forward faster, is a bad idea. It’s comforting to hear that others also go through the same "two steps forward, three steps back" feeling because that's exactly where I am right now.

The idea of a polygraph came up for me too, but in my case, I feel like I already know enough about the affair. It’s not the unknowns about her actions that are holding me back anymore—it’s the realizations about our marriage and how disconnected she felt that I’m still processing. I can relate to what you said about certain things coming out that feel like trickle truths, even if she says otherwise. Those small revelations can really set things back.

There are days when I think I’m moving forward, and then something hits me, and the pain floods back. I’ve been dealing with it better than I was a few months ago, but it’s still tough. You’re right—this process can’t be rushed, and I’m not going to shortcut my healing to make things easier for her. She made her choices, and now she has to deal with the fallout. Thanks again for sharing your experience

Cooley2here-

Thank you for this. The analogy really hit home—it's exactly what it feels like. It’s like she shot me deliberately and realized it was wrong later, but the damage is done. I had to go through surgery, rehab, and now I’m in the slow, painful recovery phase. Even though I’m healing, the pain still lingers, and there will always be scars. My brain, like the rest of my body, is trying to recover, but it’s constantly flooded with that fight-or-flight response. It’s not rational—it’s my brain trying to protect me from danger, even if that danger has passed. You’re right, my body is always ready to run, and it doesn’t seem to know the difference between a real threat or the emotional one. That’s why I’ve been thinking more seriously about EMDR. My therapist isn’t trained in it, but I know my brain needs a break from this constant state of alertness. This stress has been cumulative, and my body’s been paying the price.

Your note about physical reactions makes so much sense. When the trauma hit, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t focus, and my body felt like it was in survival mode. Hearing someone else describe it like this helps me feel less alone. Thanks for the advice

Stevesn -

I appreciate all the advice—it’s given me a lot to think about, and it’s been really helpful.

To answer your question, I’ve tried to explain how I feel, but I’m not sure she fully grasps the depth of it. I’ve talked to her about the pain and triggers I’m dealing with, but when I get triggered, her response is usually to apologize and distance herself. She seems to think that her presence is the cause of the trigger, so stepping away will make me feel better, but that’s not what I need. I’ve seen some improvement since she started therapy, but when it comes to comforting me or being there when I’m down, she hasn’t made much progress.

She’s trying, and I can see that, but I think she still hopes I’ll be "okay" sooner than I actually will be. Like you said, the innocent trust is gone for good. What we’re working on now is something new, and it’s going to take a lot of dedication and effort on her part to rebuild a different kind of trust. I’m ready to do the work on my end, but it’s her perseverance that will make the difference right now.

Thanks again for taking the time to share your insights and experiences. It means a lot to know that people understand what I'm going through.

[This message edited by twinflamed at 6:07 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Have you made it clear to her how long it really takes to R for the majority of people? If you’re getting the feeling that she thinks you should be further along in this short of a time it doesn’t sound like anyone has clued her in to the reality of the situation.
She needs to be reading "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." That should have been book one. Even before the first IC appointment.

Honestly, I haven’t sat her down to explicitly explain how long it takes to recover for most people, because she’s never directly complained about the pace of our healing. But her behavior sometimes suggests she thinks we should be further along than we are. She knows how much pain and frustration I’m in, and she’s been going to IC, so I would have assumed she understands by now. If she doesn’t, I don’t know what more I can do to make it clearer. She’s already read After the Affair. Maybe I should give her the book you recommended to drive it home.

It's worth a talk with her regarding the healing timeline.

Sometimes WS's want to rush the healing because they are avoidant and want to rugsweep. Others because they really don't have enough empathy to understand the damage.

Still, in my experience anyway, sometimes a WS sees their spouse trigger and experience pain and it scares the WS. They think "oh we're moving forward, my marriage is going to make it!" and then feel a loss of hope when the BS expresses more pain.

The loss of hope can create anxiety.

I'd talk to her. Let her know that you are still processing your pain and trauma. Let her know it can take years to heal. Let her know that in those moments, you aren't threatening her but rather you need her then. The fact that you come to her with your pain is you being vulnerable. That is her chance to protect your vulnerability and comfort you. It's a key ingredient to reconciliation.

That’s a really valuable perspective, and it’s definitely worth having a conversation with her about the healing timeline. I don’t think she’s trying to rush things to rugsweep, but there’s a chance she’s underestimating just how long this process can take.

I hadn’t thought about how seeing me trigger and experience pain might scare her or cause her to lose hope, but that makes a lot of sense. It could explain some of her reactions, like wanting to step away when I’m struggling. That insight is really helpful because it frustrates me when she pulls away, especially since that’s when I need her the most. Even though I hate feeling vulnerable, I still want her to be present, not distant.

I think I need to talk to her and let her know that I’m still processing everything and that healing will take time. She needs to understand that my pain isn’t a threat to her or the marriage—it’s just me being vulnerable and needing her to be there. You’re right—it’s such an important part of reconciliation.

By the way, did you notice any specific ways your spouse learned to respond better when you were in pain? What helped them understand what you needed in those vulnerable moments?

[This message edited by twinflamed at 10:49 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

I can see that lack of communication with your last couple posts. Look, this whole thing has been the biggest shit show you’ve ever experienced right? Tell her exactly what you want. What else do you really have to lose? Get that book. Link is in the healing library here. Give it to her and tell her "this is what I want."
If you want to give her an example, Hell, I blew up her and AP then divorced her. It STILL took me two years to even talk to another woman after I left, and divorce is the easiest (pain wise) path!

I agree with ohitsyou. Communication is the key for recovery. Take your time, but you need to be honest about your pain and needs very clearly for this to work..

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 1:27 AM, Friday, September 6th]

Sounds cliche, but your WW can help with this: don't underestimate the power of touch. She cannot touch you if she is in the other room, hiding from her own miserable history. Maybe you are not into physical touch, but I know that when I was curled up on the floor, head down in fetal position, sobbing in pain, my WH instinctively knew to stroke my back (it was about the only safe touch, when someone is that radically triggered). I think in my case it must have been some primitive infant thing, since I found myself calming down, believe it or not. (My mother told me I was a colicky baby...maybe that was something she did to sooth me?)

Worth a try....

In this thread you have written what you feel very effectively. Consider editing and then sharing it with her in written form. This allows her to process it at her own speed and multiple times without the fight flight response getting in the way as much as it may be when she listens to you directly.

Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term 'limerence' as an academic term that means the 'feeling of being in love', states that uncertainty is critical to limerence. My conclusion from reading Tennov's Love and Limerence is that it's an essential aspect of love, too - we just can't predict the future. We live with possibilities of death/disabling ailment/injury, of falling out of love, of misunderstanding one another, etc.

My reco is to change 'anxious' to 'scared' and keep reminding yourself that life is risky and that you can handle the risk.