SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity has always always always been a dealbreaker for me (as I’m sure goes the same for 99.99% of the rest of the population). I told myself that if cheating ever occurred in my marriage … it would be over, no grounds for discussion. WELL … here I am, attempting R with a known to be liar, betrayer, cheater, POS, etc. WHY?! Why would I, why should I go back on MY "pre" affair dealbreaker?! It still doesn’t make sense why I’m betraying the dealbreakers that I put in place to protect myself. If you’re not going to follow through, doesn’t that send off signs of weakness?

For those of you who have experienced false R or Dday 2 or multiple Ddays … did you (or did you not) follow through with whatever your post A dealbreakers were? Did you find it easier to "stick to your guns" the second time around or did you continue to "tolerate" A related behaviour until you hit a firm breaking point, or maybe you’ve reached that "a-ha" realization?

Honestly, it’s one of my biggest fears … working on R only to experience a second Dday and then not following through (again) with my dealbreakers (more so if a lengthy period of time has passed then I could see how this would be more difficult … if this happened tomorrow I would be GONE - at least I think I would be).

HBW - I completely understand this post. Except I never really thought about infidelity being a deal breaker or not before with regards to my feelings. Most people I knew that had dealt with infidelity broke up and I just assumed if my husband had an affair he would want to leave. So I was a bit surprised when he begged to stay.

Anyways, since I am now in R with my WH I know a second affair, ONS or any type of sexual texting etc will be a deal breaker for me that will end in divorce. I have decided that for the sake of our family I will try to save this marriage. I am willing to forgive this once and once only. I honestly don’t believe he really understood how much pain this would cause me.

He has now seen what damage he has caused, he has seen his naked wife in a fetal position in the bathtub crying more tears than the shower water. His face showed a sadness and a regret that I know he never knew. If he chose to hurt me like that again he knows I would not be able to take it.

Im also more ready. I’ve worked out finances and child separation times etc and I will just tell him to leave. He is very well aware of this, he has been told this more times than I like to mention.

I had already resolved this issue when I got on SI...but some wise vets on here have often said that EVERY A is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. We then have to negotiate a new deal...or void the contract. But there is no doubt Dear Lady that you are NOT attempting R with the same man who broke your original deal. If that would have been the case...it would have been EASY for me...I REFUSED to spend another minute with THAT man!!

Once I resolved that "dealbreaker" issue in my head...I then set about working on a Plan B in case there was another Dday. Because I am a stay-at-home wife...I went out and got a checking account in my name only with enough money to set me up with a few months of expenses until I got on my feet from getting a job. I got a newer vehicle in my name only...and I also got a credit card in my name only. Once I had everything in place in case I needed to LEAVE...I was then able to focus on what to work on in order for me to decide to STAY .

I experienced False R in my 1st M about 2 years after I found out my H was cheating on me. This time though...he left me for the adultery co-conspirator...so there wasn't anything that I DID to cause our separation. I would LIKE to say that I would have kicked him out immediately. But that isn't what happened . His lurve affair lasted only about 2 weeks . Even though we never lived together again...he would regularly come over to the house with flowery words and I would give in and be with him. It would be nice...until he found a new "shiny" . Once I seriously started dating the man who eventually became my 2nd H...THEN my 1st H decided that I was THE ONE . By then it was too little too late.

There is NOTHING about attempting R that is WEAK Dear Lady . There is NOTHING about going for D that is WEAK either! YOU are a STRONG person dealing with something you should have NEVER had to deal with...but here you are...ROCKING this R thing !! Don't act like you aren't...you are asking GREAT questions...hanging in there...doing what you NEED to do in order to understand which path is the BEST path to take . Like I said...ROCKING !!

Someone has a tagline quote on here from Mike Tyson to the effect of everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. So don't overthink about your plans on what you would have done concerning infidelity...it was a real PUNCH for sure! Do what is BEST for YOU...and that is what will work . Take the advice on here that works for YOU...and leave the rest. We are ALL on here to HELP...but we are all at different phases of healing. So you will find what you need by doing exactly what you are doing...asking questions . Here's to you getting to a wonderful place of HEALING one GREAT day !

I don't know if I thought infidelity was a dealbreaker in such terms. I know I thought I would not be one to stick around if that were to happen, but it wasn't much of a thought to be honest. I also thought that people involved in such a situation should of course leave and they would "get over" it fast. I had little sympathy for people who stuck around with cheaters to try to R and I really didn't grasp why after a "whole year" some BSs were still struggling so badly.

With that context I had false R - twice. Did I struggle with going back on my own "dealbreaker" during those times? Not really. Not in those terms. But I was upset with myself for ever believing him, believing him again, and continuing to want to believe him. I was much more caught up with "who is this person I thought I knew?"

And yes, I do think my WH read my willingness to not just up and leave as a sign of weakness, 100% for sure, and he used that against me. And (after 4 years of IC on his part - after we divorced) he admits that he used my trust and willingness to forgive to further manipulate me, and to lead himself to believe he would not be caught.

Did you find it easier to "stick to your guns" the second time around or did you continue to "tolerate" A related behaviour until you hit a firm breaking point, or maybe you’ve reached that "a-ha" realization?

Yes, and after d-day 3 sticking to my guns was the only way out. I wrote a very lengthy post in another recent thread about this titled "questions for BS that have had d-day 2" also in the general forum last week where I talk about this very issue in detail (as do a bunch of the other members of the false R club). I think my post at least will answer a bunch of your questions about how I felt, what happened, and how I feel now (my post is quite the novel lol).

Honestly, it’s one of my biggest fears … working on R only to experience a second Dday and then not following through (again) with my dealbreakers

I am not going to lie - false R was honestly the worst of the whole infidelity experience for me, by far, as in no contest. The only way to 100% prevent it from happening is to leave your WS and never look back. That is the only guaranteed way. The rest is a gamble. And one you should accept going forward. You can be mad at yourself for going back but I will say that in my experience False R was so wholly catastrophic to my personal well being, my sense of self, my job, my mental health, that I really didn't have much time to berate myself for trying again and getting royally burned (I had false R for a year after d-day 1 - A ended for about 3 days and went on for a year until I set him up and caught him a year to the day after dday 1).

I'm not trying to say that to scare you...but the reality is that there is quite a bit to be concerned about. That being said, I STILL have persevered and I am doing fine now. So cut yourself some slack - most of life is a gamble you know! :)

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:37 PM, Monday, September 9th]

After his A, I gave myself 6-month increments to decide if I would stay or go. My biggest boundary was no inappropriate sexual contact with another female or I was going to D. He couldn't keep his hands to himself, so we are D. Best decision I ever made, but it took me awhile to get there.

When you decide early in life to split if your partner betrays you, not splitting after years of M isn't a betrayal of one's values.

The problem is that you didn't realize that that early contract with yourself needed to be renegotiated to fit with the life you were building.

JMO.

Webbit

Same. I will only "forgive" and offer one second chance, contingent on the grounds a "new and better" husband and father has emerged, continues to show up for us and is a proven safe partner (something like that).

I have such a difficult time with that aspect of an A - like how somebody could possibly think that having an A would be anything but utter devastation and the death of a relationship/marriage. Boggles my mind. However, like your H I don’t think mine "fully" understood how devastating and life altering it would be. My H also knows that I will full on leave him, if he ever chooses to hurt me/his children in this way again.

WantToBHappyAgain

I love everything you wrote in your post so much. Thank you. You are 100% correct - I am not attempting R with the same POS WH that was present before/during the A … he has drastically changed in so many positive ways and has been a truly remorseful WS right at Dday. I’ve read on here many times over that having a Plan B in place is helpful and gives piece of mind … not sure I have a "foolproof" Plan B, but I KNOW I will be ok and have the resources and support to back me up.

That’s where I struggle … choosing to D after the presence of infidelity is something I feel would be a "no brainer" (leave, run and don’t ever look back!) … I never really considered where I/we might be in life and that so many new and different factors are now thrown into the mix that weren’t before. I have to try to convince myself that it’s ok and sometimes necessary to adapt and change the "original" deal.

ThisIsSoLonely

Honestly, infidelity was never a thought that crossed my mind … I truly believed my M was exempt from it (very naive way of thinking I know). I judged people who stayed … thinking they are "weak" or "setting a bad example" for their children (if they have) - boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong on this one. Choosing to stay and work through it is HARD AF and in some cases can be extremely rewarding.

I can’t even begin to imagine how painful False R would be. I remember in those very early days I was trying to distinguish how genuine my WH was with R … I promised myself I was not going to let my guard down and allow him hope (I guess I’m still doing this). At least I fully believe now that he genuinely wants to R.

You’re right though. The only way I can break free and prevent this from happening again with him is to D. That is also something I was naive about before … life being a gamble … I never thought my life would of taken this path (not me, never ever), I’ve learned now that life is truly full of surprises and to not be surprised when the unthinkable happens.

leafields

Doing/deciding in increments is something I like. It allows for time and space to see if progress occurs and can be sustained. Like your conclusion, the important thing is to realize when you’ve had enough and then when to take matters into your own hands.

sisoon

Thank you. I never really thought of it this way prior, but I understand this perspective and appreciate that it is necessary and completely ok to "renegotiate" your initial relationship/marital contract to fit with your current circumstance.

After the first 12 months, I was able to see a little clearer and the pain wasn't as bad. Being trauma-bonded on top of buying into the sunk cost fallacy (I've spent too much time & effort to give up now), it took me a while to get to where I could make a decision.

XWH wasn't doing the work and I was getting ready to say that I was done when he said his IC suggested MC. (Not sure if that's true or not.) I thought that I'd try it just to I had done everything possible. He confessed to his dealbreaker in our last MC session, so at least I wasn't in limbo too long.