SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

My husband was having an affair with someone at work and my D-Day was the end of July. There was a lot of trickle truth since January. I feel completely and utterly alone in this despite having friends and family that are there to support. I would love to speak to others that are going through the same thing as me. My husband had an affair for a year and a half with a coworker while I was pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant again, and delivered my baby. There were countless lies that I can’t even begin to put down in this post. He is no longer in contact with his affair partner he is remorseful, shameful, regretful for what he’s done and takes complete accountability for his actions. We are going to couples counseling and individual counseling. Despite all this I feel completely and utterly alone in navigating this. Would appreciate any support from anyone who is going through something similar.

Habhas

Hi, habhas. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad that you found us.

Please know that you're not alone. Jump right in and let the kind people here support you. I was on this site many years ago right after my DDay hit, and I'm still close to many of the friends I made here back then.

You are not alone, Habhas. Unfortunately thousands have walked this road and we’re here.

I am glad you are in IC and have IRL support. These are critical.

Here’s some common advice for folks who recently had a DDAY.

1) Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, get some exercise and sleep. See your doctor if you have any trouble sleeping. Drink protein shakes if food is too hard.

2) Get STD/STI testing - full panel. Protect your health. It’s no fun (I cried the whole appointment) but doctors have seen and heard it all, and they will be supportive in testing. Many STDs can affect your health long term and even kill you. If you have sex with your WS, use protection until he has also been tested and shared the results with you,

3) See a lawyer (or three) to understand what D might look like. Knowledge is power, so learn the truth (not rumor, fears, hearsay) so you can informed.

4) Read up on the 180. It can help you mentally detach from him so you can think straight. Do not try to "win" him back- just focus on you and the kids.

5) Read in the healing library and all the bullseye posts in the Just Found OUt forum. Great info in those. Especially look for the post that discusses the difference between regret and remorse.

Keep posting. How many kids? Do you pull in a salary and could you be financially stable if it came to D? Not saying it will, but you have to look at all possible outcomes.

Hang in there. You WILL get through this.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 7:23 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

@sacredsoul33 thank you so much for just your response. hearing that i’m not alone is like a warm hug i needed. would love to make friends from this terrible experience.

@bearlybreathing thank you for all those tips. I will be sure to go through them. Where can I find the 180? I looked through the library and was not able to find anything.

I have two kids a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I have a job and a separate home that’s currently being rented. we also have a joint home that we purchased not too long ago.

I appreciate the love and the support. it truly means a lot.

@stillconfused2022 i think your response may have been to someone else or a different post?

I’m sorry, not sure how that happened. It was to another post. I apologize. Best

Sorry you're here. Hopefully this site can help you learn all the things I wish I had known so soon after DDay. (I didn't discover it until three years later.)

For starters, don't assume he's not still in contact with his AP in some way. Don't assume there aren't other APs as well. Don't assume there haven't been other APs in the past. Don't go to MC yet. Don't ever let him blame you or the marriage in any way, shape or form. Don't ever do the pick-me dance.

Definitely go to IC--both of you. Definitely figure out his "whys" (it's never "AP was attractive and providing attention" or "I felt neglected." It's always "my mom never loved me" or "I've felt not good enough my whole life.") Definitely assume you only know about 1% of the infidelity at this point in time.

I was 34 with babies when I discovered my FWH's double life. I know exactly how it feels to see your dreams of a happy, stable family life get ripped away from you and not know what to do. I was resigned to D the day I found out, but my H was acting so remorseful and desperate to save our M that I decided to try--I also was not wanting to break up my family and change the trajectory of my children's lives.

Little did I know that while he was putting on his theatrics (ie begging me night and day to not leave him, calling in sick to work every day to stay with me, buying me a new, very expensive car and designer purses) and giving me full access to his life, he was still talking to one of APs and hinting that we might D, thus giving her what she wants.

I fought, I screamed, I shouted, I threw him out, I searched through all available data, I called the APs, I made him seek revenge on them on my behalf (eg calling their jobs to report their behavior)--basically, I was not passive or open to reconciling or letting him off easily. I was prepared to walk at any moment. He now says that knowing the person he used to be, if I had been passive in any way, he would have taken complete advantage.

Now, five years later, we've been through hell and back again, but we are firmly in R. He understands his whys and is proud of how much personal growth he's had. It was a long, hard road though, and if I had to do it all over again, I don't think I could. But I have my family together, and that's the most important part for me.

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:01 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

You're not alone, even if it feels that way. There are so many of us. It sounds like you are doing the right things, meeting your own needs and those of your kids is especially important right now. Sending love and healing your way.

This is a great community for support and advice. Most of us I believe are from the betrayed side and we also have some who were the betrayers who have changed their ways and are a great resource for advice.

First and foremost make yourself a priority. Do what you need to do for you and do not worry about his needs at all. He's a big boy he can take care of himself. As others have suggested, don't assume you know everything. Ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph test. His initial answer will speak volumes. If he says absolutely no problem let me know when and where that's a good sign. If he questions it or becomes offended that also speaks volumes.

Go talk to your doctor get yourself tested for your own piece of mind and demand that he do the same.

You are going to be on a roller coaster of emotions from minute to minute day to day and it's normal and it's expected and it will seem crushing at times but it will get better eventually and you will emerge stronger

This is your community for support