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For those of you who have decided that you are 'reconciled' with your WS, how did you know you had reached the point where you could define yourself as such?
Although you are 'reconciled', does this still mean that you suffer triggers, etc., or is part of being reconciled accepting that such things will always be there, but the rest of the relationship feels solid? (and how do you know when things feel solid?...)

(And in case you are wondering, I am not going to be in that place any time soon, but I am just interested.)

I think reconciliation is a lifetime deal — but I can say I have emotionally and physically healed up over the last 8+ years.

My wife had asked a few months in how often my thoughts were troubled and I described 59 seconds out of every minute. From then, I sort of used that as rough way to measure my recovery from the trauma of it all. One year in, I had few safe, trouble free hours a day, doubled that at year two and during year three — I really started to truly heal me and was better at helping to heal the relationship.

Now, maybe 1-2 intrusive thoughts a day, and sometimes I will go several days without a single trigger of any kind.

When I show up here to pass my healing forward, talking infidelity with people here and seeing some newer pain, that can certainly be a reminder, but it doesn’t bother me, I just understand what folks are enduring.

I’ll always accept that the A happened, and I never have to be okay with it.

I find it fairly healthy to hate that this happened. Sort of like I hated to lose my awesome grandfather when he died. I’ll never be happy he is gone, but I am healed from the severe pain of that loss.

Things feel solid when you start to trust the unrelenting actions of your spouse to show you change, to show you that you’re important.

Words lose their meaning after infidelity. Actions are required to rebuild the M from the ground up.

There isn’t a finish line that we get to cross, just a gradual move from suffering to healing to finding joy in the hard work we did to get here.

I don't know.

I have sufficiently low uncertainty that I'm happy with R for now.

I'm writing because I think my answer is different from Ow's. Maybe not, though.

For those of you who have decided that you are 'reconciled' with your WS, how did you know you had reached the point where you could define yourself as such?

I saw R as a process of resolving issues. Then I came to see M the same way, except that in R, we had to resolve issues around W's A, and in M, we had to resolve day-to-day issues. Over the years, I found A issues taking less and less of my energy and d2d issues taking more. My view is that R morphs into M, and the process doesn't change.

A corollary is that R is not a project - no end date, and maybe not even a start date. I committed myself to R 90 days after d-day, but did R start then? Did it start on d-day when we both said we wanted to R? I just don't know. Life is analog, not digital.

Sometime 3.5-4 years after d-day, I realized I no longer harbored any desire to see my W punished, and I felt no desire for revenge. Also, my sense was that our M was strong and that we had resolved so many issues that I no longer feared that an issue would arise that we wouldn't resolve.

So I declared victory. I could have declared victory 2-3 years earlier, but I wanted to avoid doing it too early. If my bike riding goal is a 1,000 miles for the year, I don't celebrate until my odometer shows 1000 miles; 999.99 miles doesn't satisfy me. (OTOH, if GPS errs by overestimating my miles, I'll take it. )

Although you are 'reconciled', does this still mean that you suffer triggers, etc., or is part of being reconciled accepting that such things will always be there, but the rest of the relationship feels solid? (and how do you know when things feel solid?...)

We're together. 'Reconciled' implies - to me - that I had to swallow something I didn't want to swallow. 'Together' means: we're in this (life) together. We love each other. We have a long history. (We met 59 years ago tomorrow. We got married 57 years ago this coming week.) The A is part of our story; so are innumerable other good, so-so, and bad times.

I never saw R as the lesser of 2 evils. I saw both R & D as wins for me. I don't see the 'shit sandwich' as a valid metaphor. My WS cheated; that's her, not me. I always knew she was imperfect. I just can't see imperfections as 'shit'. (I'm sharing my thinking about myself; I'm not saying other people should adopt my way of thinking.)

I still trigger on infidelity sometimes. If a drama has a character I think is like my W who cheats, I trigger. The triggers, however, are annoyances, not crises. They throw me off for seconds, maybe minutes, not hours or days. Hell, some triggers took weeks to process 8-10 years ago. Alas, I know something may be lurking out there that will trigger me for a long time, but ... I haven't met it and probably won't. I don't fear triggers. I think of them as 'pain coming to the surface so it can be released.'

*****

R is difficult, not least because it requires the BS to face themselves and decide who they are. But facing oneself is empowering, IMO.

If you think R requires swallowing shit, R is probably not for you. That's no reflection on you - that's how you're made or how you made yourself. Just know that people experience the same type of event in multiple ways.

There is no one size fits all.

IOW, BSes who give up trying to control their outcomes do best after being betrayed. By all means figure out what you want and work to get as much of that as you can. But you can't control your WS, and you can't predict the future. The best you can do is make mindful choices, prepare for the worst, and hope and act to get the best.

So I declared victory.

That’s cool — I guess I just don’t see a moment where I get to spike the ball in the end zone, or break the tape at the end of marathon. The work is ongoing.

However, I do celebrate along the way as we wake up and choose each other every morning. That’s a win to start the day.

I am particular about the specific term of victory, as something where all has been conquered.

I’m getting there. Still learning.

and how do you know when things feel solid?...)

Oops, here’s my take…

It’s when you can be with your partner and feel a sense of unity and togetherness on a day to day basis. With things that are important to both of you. Maybe your grandchildren, children, family members etc.

You begin to see more friendliness between the two of you…more kindness in your actions and words not just towards one another but to anyone within your circle.

You begin to feel grounded, confident with your life and the choices you made and will be making.

You see the past as just that, the past, a place where you will remember but not with pain, it changes to a place of curiosity… non threatening, just out there.

And this will go on for the rest of our lives. should we both chose to work on it.

I am feeling quite a bit more reconciled. About a month ago I got very sad for a few days thinking about images of the cheating, but it went away. I talked about it with WS and he was kind and supportive.

Our future feels much more certain. I do still reserve the right to walk away if the pain were to return and I couldn’t deal with it. I still find myself lost in thought thinking about what happened. But it is more like just passing thoughts about this war we survived. Or I will get lost in thought trying to understand how someone could be as unremorseful and seemingly evil as the AP. But the pain isn’t there. Each month there will be a topic I get stuck on (like did he feel guilty enough when this was going on..did he have a conscience? Stuff like that).

Another commenter mentioned that they needed to feel that their WS’s efforts were relentless. That seems a good way to put it. I am amazed my husband has not given up year after year. He would still talk about it every night if I needed. In a way it seems like he has grown more committed over time.

Triggers are much more rare and much less intense. Infidelity is in every TV show or movie and it just hasn’t been hitting me the way it used to.

Two years ago when I found out it had been physical it seemed like I had fallen into a bottomless pit of pain I thought I would never climb out of. Now I am having great long periods of time of really being happy with where we are. Our recovery path is not linear because I knew there had been a betrayal for the first six years, but not that it had been physical. So we were just very stuck for a long time. During that time he made major changes in his boundaries, commitment to his family etc. There were no lapses of any kind—-with the glaring exception that he hadn’t told the full truth. He also used to struggle so much more with not becoming defensive. He has grown by leaps and bounds in this area but it honestly took years.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 2:42 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

Hi, I would like to thank you all for your considered and wise responses; so helpful and so insightful.

I will always consider our marriage as IN RECONCILLIATION. I say this as I am sadly aware that there is the possibility of this happening again where prior to DDay 1 I never in a million years thought he'd cheat let along have a LTA. I've had multiple DDays - same LTAP. To say RECONCILED [to me] means I have that blind faith type trust in it. Blind Faith was shattered upon DDay. I do have trust but verify faith. So hence IN RECONCILLIATION. I do believe this is a positive state for me and hope to happily live the rest of my days in such a state.

However, I consider myself RECONCILED. Because I had to reconcile with myself that this did indeed happen to me, it does not in any way define me, and remind myself I am a BASGU [bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn]. Once I reconciled these things within myself, that's when I considered myself RECONCILED.

While my H was doing everything possible to R, I think he would be shocked that I didn’t think we were R until about 4 years after Dday — when I finally stopped thinking about D every day.