SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
So 9 years after DDay my husband has come to me and asked for a divorce because what we had before he broke it was perfect but he doesn’t want to be old when we divorce and have to start over then. He convinced me to stay be a stay at home mom with 2 boys and asked me to ruin my credit so he could run for county office position. Not to mention one of our boys is autistic but it’s time he puts himself 1st. He tried absolutely everything and my thoughts on the situation don’t matter. Luckily I was able to get help from my family and get out of there and get a decent job for my situation overall but other than my boys I regret ever trying to make it work. He had another girl lined up who left her husband and 2 daughters as well but I never even asked or reacted to any of it. Both our hometown was 3 hours from where we were living and he is a big fish in a little pond that would have continued to run my life if I didn’t move back and his family is here 2. I guess I’m struggling with realizing he was never what I thought he was. I have been with him since I was 15 and I’m 35 and I’m just now realizing the emotional abuse I experienced. It is also hard when I’m told and understand people only treat us the way we let them but he started molding me when I was 15 into seeing him as my life raft. I know I’m in stages of grief and believe I’m in anger now and that isn’t me but it is right now. How can he not want to move back home as well to be close to the boys especially when the resources for autism are so much better? How is only ever other weekend enough on seeing them and even then he still is seeing them at my house or his mothers? Why is some other woman more important to his family? Was I perfect? No I wasn’t I have struggled with a lot since dday but he never made me feel safe. He made it clear after a certain point I was no longer supposed to have feelings about the affair and if I still did that was my problem. I bent myself so much to try to be what he wanted but I was always in the wrong. Idk I just don’t know how to feel or think. I don’t know how money wise we will get by. I have to be able to be home when my autistic son is and I got a job at the school but it is part time. It is just all crazy.

I am so sorry for you. I understand your pain and would give you a hug - so for now a virtual hug just has to do.

Two things I’d like to point out.

You met him at a very young age — which is both a plus and minus. He took advantage of you b/c he could. Due to your age and not much dating experience, you trusted him and did everything a wife would. That is a marriage. Give and take. Have each other’s back.

But not having much dating experience you may not have seen the red flags. Maybe they were there. Maybe you were not aware of them early on but there may have been very subtle signs.

But please know he would have most likely done this to anyone he was married to. He sounds very selfish and manipulative. And that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a "you" thing / it’s a "him" thing.

It is shocking to a regular decent person that someone can be ok with seeing their kids on a very limited basis. Absolutely an awful excuse for a human being - and only a totally selfish jerk does something like that.

I’m sorry you are struggling with so much on your plate. Please continue to post here and get support. Find a good counselor for yourself if you can. There are books and podcasts out there for you. The Healing Library here at SI has wonderful resources for you.

Just know the older and wiser you would have seen through him. And run from him as fast as possible. He took advantage of you and as you said, groomed you from an early age. In your healing you need to see him for who and what he is.

And see yourself for who and what you are. A hero for your kids.

Thirty five is a perfect age. You now know a lot about life you did not know at 15. If you are in the US and he talked you into a sexual relationship he was guilty of statutory rape in most, if not all, states. Now you know him. You know what red flags to look for. Not just in romantic issues, but friendships, work places. You are now very well educated in saying NO. So practice saying it until you are comfortable. It will give you time to size up people. You have a long life ahead of you. Go find your joy.

Thank you to both of you for replying. He was 17 when we started dating so technically 16 is the legal age of consent but I was only 15 a couple months into our relationship. I say he groomed or molded me because yes I had very little real experience before him and he separated me from my friends very quickly then in college moved us away from my family. He made it clear our relationship was our business and I shouldn’t talk about it with others. He was never mean per say just would say in the early days I expect this from you and it’s okay if you don’t like it but I’m not sure I can be with you if you behave this way. I had just given him my V card so I didn’t want him to leave so I changed for him. After he cheated the 1st time I couldn’t tell anyone because he might lose his job and that would hurt me 2 but I should quit my job and be a stay at home mom because that was my dream. So many red flags that because I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk about it I didn’t see. At this point I don’t trust the human race to ever actually look for love again. Unfortunately in life a single family income isn’t really durable so I feel like I have to find someone.

Sounds like he was relying on you a whole lot for a while bunch of things.

You might feel lost, but you've been carrying him for so long it's made you strong.

I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself vastly happier in the near future and just chuckling that it isn't your problem now whenever someone mentions the latest shit he's fucked up.

Believe in yourself cause we believe in you!

Divorce isn’t "given", it’s done, it’s taken. It’s an action.
I know it’s probably only terminology, but he doesn’t have to "ask" for a divorce, he can inform you that he wants a divorce and that he is initiating one.
Based on what you share then he shows symptoms of a control-freak and abuser. The isolating from friends and all that... I don’t see any logical reason to expect him to play fair in the ensuing divorce.
I encourage you to accept that this marriage is over, and to INITIATE and TAKE the divorce. Only... on your terms and your timeline.

Fact is, most of it is controlled by laws and processes and a known timeline. What you or he can do is possibly control the process pace, but that’s about it. Like... if he initiates the process his attorney can tell him what to expect, and possibly tell him how maybe moving assets or funds NOW and then file in a month or whatever might improve HIS position. If you beat him to it... the date you file will probably be the reference point. From that date his ability to change things – real things like financial assets and debt etc – are strictly limited.

I encourage you to get help. If you have a sibling, friend or colleague who is logical, calm and a real bulldog have that person with you when interviewing attorneys and when deciding how to proceed.
I’m not suggesting you go for everything or make the divorce harder than it needs to be. I’m just ensuring that he doesn’t control you and get more out of this than he is entitled to.