SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you to the person who recommended I use truthfinders, that got me her email.

I sent a very generic email asking two simple questions which would verify whether or not I was in touch with the right person and she replied yes so I told her everything I knew about the sexting and timeline. I apologized for not telling her sooner, saying I had no right to decide what she gets to know and not know about her marriage

She said she was floored but he has done this in the past. She did thank me for letting her know and she did say she does not blame me for not reaching out sooner

I told her that I discovered the affair at the beginning of April and she said she was having surgery in April to rule out breast cancer. So while he was exchanging sext messages with my wife his wife was wondering whether or not she has breast cancer.

I gave her the phone number he was using and it turns out it is his police department issued phone. Wish I could file a FOIA for the records...

She confronted him when he arrived home from work. He gave her a similar time line, said it was just texting, nothing physical, not that I would expect any other answer :/

Later in the evening I told my wife about my email conversation with the OBS and she became angry because I didn't discuss it with her prior to reaching out. She said "What if she comes to my work and makes a scene? Did you consider that? No, you had this planned out and never considered that could happen!"

I said "And had she looked thru his phone and found your texts?"

"That wouldn't happen" Huh, and you know this how?

She said had we discussed this I would have been prepared in case she did show up. I said in telling you know. Either way, if she is going to show up theb she is going to show up, regardless if we discussed it prior. She didn't like that retort

It is so hypocritical that my wife feels justified telling me I should have thought about HER and the ramifications of telling the OBS yet did not find it necessary to think about ME and the ramifications had i discovered her sexting fun :/

I told her about the OBS having breast cancer surgery the same month they were sexting and that hit home, hard. Finally my wife was seeing how deep an affair cuts.

She was very upset with herself for hours after, crying, saying she hates herself. She's still upset this morning

1340 - so many things about your post will be familiar to many of us. FWIW you have my support and praise for contacting the OBS, and for doing it on your timeline. One thing I learned is that no one was thinking about me when they made their decisions, so when I decide it's the right time or means to contact someone then that is 100% my decision to make.

You did the right thing. Affairs thrive in darkness. Telling a wayward what you're doing in a case like this just allows them to construct shade and blockers so the light can't get through or is minimized. I'd absolutely pose the inverse question to her: what if the man you're sexting turned out to be a jealous psycho who thought he could have a life with you if only I were out of the picture? You brought the unknown, potentially volatile outsider into our lives.

Regardless, it's a very common response from wayward. I went through that guilt trip. It got me for a second, but I look back with no regrets and would still have no regrets had OBS shown up and slapped my WW. She deserved worse than that for what she did to her.

I gave her the phone number he was using and it turns out it is his police department issued phone. Wish I could file a FOIA for the records..

I'll assume he is the school resource officer, if that is the case reporting may cause him to be reassigned and cause him some difficulty for misusing official devices.

Seems you wife is far too comfortable since she berated you for taking action. Should she not be more concerned about you?

@hardyfool

I have given thought to having a conversation with his CO, still considering it. Some employment contracts have a "moral terpitude" clause and this could be grounds for dismissal if so

I agree that you did the right thing in one of the many right ways.

A WS is entitled to no more warning than they gave their BS, and sometimes bot even that. If your W hadn't cheated, she wouldn't have to worry about what the ap will do....

@1345marine

I never considered the angle of him becoming infatuated or obsessed with her and wanting me out of the picture but I am definitely going to pose that question. Thank you!

First of all you did the right thing exposing this to his W.

"What if she comes to my work and makes a scene? Did you consider that? No, you had this planned out and never considered that could happen!"

Wow, the irony, this is still a wayward mindset. She is concerned for only herself and her AP. Remind her she made the mess and the consequences may hit hard.

My wife bottomed out pretty hard last night so I didn't pile any more but we will be continuing our conversation in a day or so once her head is in a better,more stable place

I cannot feel any sympathy for her pain or sadness. Like we have preached to our kids, choices can have consequences and those consequences are yours to deal with

You did great! This is a good step forward in taking back your life and agency. I absolutely would contact his CO and let him catch hell for this. He should experience real, lasting consequences for his behavior. Many here, years down the road have a tough time dealing with the AP "getting away with it" you have the power now to make sure he doesn’t get away with it.

I'm not in law enforcement but I am military. Telling his CO probably won't get him fired unless there's a pattern of this kind of abuse or incompetence, or if there's a specific policy he violated by using his issued phone. It will definitely get him slapped and will likely limit his upward mobility.
Continue shedding light on this POS, and do NOT tell your wife. It will give him more of a taste of what he has earned and it could test whether he's still in touch with your wife.
The only caution is that this will likely trigger either him or his wife dropping a dime on your wife. Not saying that's bad, but something to consider.
Are you still considering the poly? With her now feeling some measure of remorse, it may be a window to get her to admit more of the truth. My gut is telling me you still don't have it all.
Well done, and stay strong.

She was very upset with herself for hours after, crying, saying she hates herself. She's still upset this morning

Did I miss her apology to you or is it all about her?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:00 AM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Good work on telling the OMW.
Now focus on yourself, the marriage and your wife. What the OMW and/or the OM do is out of your control.
It’s been established that they are not in any managerial hierarchy or connection. It’s not as if WW or OM is each other’s superiors. You haven’t given much about the work-environment other than mentioning his work-issued phone, so I’m guessing he might be operational while she’s clerical?
I wouldn’t bother any more with the OM and his work status, unless he gives you reason to do so.

I want to share one thought. It’s a story I have probably shared twenty times on this site, and I do so because I believe it is relevant:
About +15 years ago I managed a guy who was caught in an office affair. The OW was actually a good acquaintance of mine. She worked in another department and even in another building. After d-day I know for a fact the affair ended. He shared with me what had happened, told me it was over and asked that I arrange his work, so he had no reason to interact with the OW. The OW told me about the affair and that it was over.
This guy really committed to reconciling... He skipped all off-hour office functions, didn’t use the company gym, brought lunch from home to not use the joint cafeteria, attended MC, was in regular contact with his wife and even asked if she could call me if she had worries.
About 6-7 months after d-day the OW quit for another job.
A few months later I sat down with my coworker to go over his work and well-being. He confided that once OW was no longer working the same place his wife seemed to ease up – let go. She had since confided in him that while there was the chance of them seeing each other – even as innocently as just in the line at the cafeteria or a company meeting, or the fear of being at a company event and meeting her – was enough to cause tension and unease for the betrayed wife.

I fear and probably expect you feel the same... While there is the risk of your wife seeing or being around OM you fear there is more risk of a relapse than if you had some assurances they were not in daily possible contact. How do you feel about that?
This is why I personally think a change in jobs is often necessary.

Two things to add to the story: Funny thing is that the OW only moved to a company less than a mile away. IF there had been ongoing contact they could easily have met and carried on. It’s not as if she skipped town or disappeared.
Second thing: He shared with me that they thought they were so discreet and nobody knew. Yet once it was out, turns out all the office gossips were totally aware of their affair. I’m guessing your wife (and OM) think nobody noticed them...

Her anger towards you is concerning.

She’s still thinking like a Wayward. More concerned for her welfare rather than yours or the OBS’s. She’s expecting you to protect her from consequences, help keep her dirty little secrets. She’s probably mad because you didn’t give her the opportunity to talk you out of it, not because she’s afraid of retaliation.

Most WS’s try to perform damage control at the BS’s and OBS’s expense soon after DD, however, if she continues to think this way going forward, it may interfere with true reconciliation.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:17 AM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Possibly the shock to your WW that the amazing OM is not what WW thought, coupled with OM lying to her about OMW is what caused her crying spell.

Good for you for informing the OBS!

As for your WW - sounds like the anger, crocodile tears and self deprecation are more about her not being able to control the narrative of you informing [or likely her talking you out of informing] OBS.

If she were truly concerned about him coming to her work and making a scene she wouldn't have had an affair.

IMHO - inform his CO if it makes you feel like that gives you a closure of sorts. They can handle as they see fit. As for a FOIA - anyone can file one just sayin'...

Truly bad ass WB1340 - I raise my glass to you.

And a pox on OBS - who was cheating on his wife while she was having surgery to determine if she has breast cancer. Double pox on him.

I always find it hilarious how waywards are always so terrified of the OBS after their BS finds out… but, for some reason, never before they decided to fuck the other person!

Somehow she thinks this isn’t all her fault for cheating but for you of exposing it!

And the line "you should’ve discussed this with me first!" is straight out of the Cheater’s Handbook. If she pulls that line again, your response should be "Like you asked for my input before you fucked the other man?"

Lastly, as JustSomeGuy pointed out, where was her apology to you? I don’t see any sense of remorse for the pain she’s called you… only feeling sorry for herself.

My WH always seemed unusually blase about the OBS. He had never met him so it was more abstract Than the AP’s relationship with me (she knew me only too well as the boss’s wife who was bugging her every day to schedule parent teacher conferences & stuff). He later told me that the story he was always told was that the OBS was gay. I find that suspect and my online sleuthing makes it appear an outright lie. He follows the cheerlevaders for his favorite sports teams on nstagram. IMO gay folks don’t do that). I have really wanted to tell the OBS that his wife was propagagating that line. But then again, maybe it would hurt him and help him not at all. I don’t want to hurt him. He knows a bit but asked to not be contacted before I had knowledge the A was physical. So i plan to reach out. But would likely never share that his wife claimed he was gay.

WB,

In golf there is a term "Protecting the Field", which means each individual golfer ensures the other golfers are following the rules.

Exposing the POS is protecting the field for any potential BH's. Same goes for you WW exposing her may be protecting the field for any potential BW's