SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post here. I will start by saying a big thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and advice, stalking these forums has definitely speeded up my healing journey. I am writing because I need advice on how to disclose my husband's affair to his AP's spouse. Are there threads with advice on this topic? What to say and what to not say?

Some background - I have started divorce proceedings against my husband of 34 years for a number of reasons, including refusing to get treated for alcoholism, and at least an emotional affair for the last 3 years. He had an affair with his AP many years before he met me (they were in their teens), and recently re-initiated contact. He trickle truthed me saying he called her because she was distraught (she had lost a parent), and that they only spoke a couple of times. A series of incidents triggered my suspicion - I checked our phone bills for the last 2 years and found they spoke for hours, sometimes for over 2 hours several times within a single day. A couple times when I called him during their conversations, he would either not answer or say that he was in the middle of a work call. The calls were more frequent or longer when I travelled and was away for a few days. He has been guarding his phone ever since he started all this, but when I first confronted him with the call logs and demanded to see his texts, he handed me his phone lying that he had not even saved her as a contact. Sure enough, I could not find her in his contact list, so I entered her number and found it saved as Spam Risk 2 (one has to wonder who Spam Risk 1 and 3 are). I found pictures of the 2 of them from when they met, the date on one of the pictures confirmed when he stood me up for a concert. Their texts and calls coincided with times when he was extra rude to me (although he took the phone away and I wasn't able to read much). I found out during the divorce process that he has another credit card, and that he had made at least one purchase at a women's clothing store (regular clothes, not lingerie). When I asked him what he bought, he said he had bought me a gift but he lost it. Then later, he said he threw it away because he was mad at me. He insists that their relationship is platonic and spiritual, and that he did not tell me the truth because I am immature. She lives on the other side of the country so I don't think they meet often. I don't find their calls on the phone bill anymore probably because they now use whatsapp. He withdrew fairly large amounts of cash in the last year - he may have been doing this all the time we were married and I may have just not noticed.

This woman is actually in his family (she is his cousin once removed), and I know her husband's number and email. The husband hasn't been answering his cell phone, so I am considering sending him an email stating the facts of what I know. I think he needs to know, just like I would have liked to know. Besides, if their relationship is indeed platonic and I am being immature, telling her husband will give me another point of reference. And although I am taking care of myself (it has been 6 months since I found out), I am not above making things difficult for WH and his AP.

[This message edited by pakadliya at 1:54 AM, Tuesday, October 1st]

In your situation I would get the divorce out of the way and put all priority on that.
As a rule we support exposure and I would eventually let the OW husband know, but for you, now, in your situation... focus on getting the divorce done.
What I fear is a couple of things:
It might make your husband more argumentative and confrontational in the divorce negotiations. Get them over with and to a place where he can’t drag out an argument about who gets the sofa simply out of spite because you made his GF sore.

EA’s aren’t as accepted as infidelity as the "normal" physical variety. Not something I agree with, but I fear that if her husband was told about their relationship he might dismiss it or not take it as seriously as he ought to.

Get the divorce to a stage where it’s pretty finalized. Then send the husband a note OR find his phone-number and tell him factually what you KNOW. Don’t say it’s an affair, but rather that you are divorcing your husband and that one reason is his ongoing relationship with the man’s wife. No – you aren’t saying it’s an affair or that they are physical, but you have enough information about their interactions to concern you, make you file and feel a need to warn him.

First, don't tell your wh that you are telling the OBS. At all.

Second...send a registered letter, that requires his,and only his,signature, upon receipt. If you can send it to his job, that's all the better.

Stick to the facts. Tell him who your husband is,give dates, and include a copy of any evidence. Ask that he call you,so you know he got the information. Include your number. Refrain from speaking ill of his wife. His instinct will be to defend her,and she will use any insults (truth) to explain away the letter. She will say you're an enemy of hers ,who is looking to cause her problems.

I agree with Bigger, get the D done first. I sent an email to the OBS and was strait to the point. Your H had a ONS with my W on a business trip. He also had a ONS with my WW's friend (name) when out of town. Call me if you want to discuss it. She called the next day.

Thanks for your sound advice, I sent an email to the BH stating all the facts of what I found out, and saying that whether or not there was a physical relationship or not is moot because of the series of carefully constructed lies and deception. I think I will follow-up with a registered letter like Hellfire says just to be sure.
WH has never shown remorse, just angry denial when I uncovered lie after lie. He is dragging his feet whenever he can with the divorce, but there is no attempt at reconciliation. Yet I go through moments of doubt, that this is a figment of my imagination like he suggests. Coming back to this forum and reading helps me listen to my head and not my heart, as my therapists advices me - my head knows everything. I need to act based on my head.

Yet I go through moments of doubt, that this is a figment of my imagination like he suggests.

Moments of doubt are normal and to be expected, if he is making you feel it's a figment of your imagination, that is proof you are on the right path. He is gas lighting and manipulating you, it will make you crazy if you let it.

Stay the course, it's hard, but you doing things right.

When I finally told I called [I had to dial twice because my fingers shook so hard]. Fortunately he answered the phone and said "this is Mr. OBS" and I said - voice shaking "Hello - my name is Chaos - your wife LTAP and my husband Mr. Chaos have been having an affair. It started in 2014. I found out in 2017 and just learned it never stopped. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry" He then said words that both shocked me to my core and didn't surprise me at all "yeah...well...your not the first upset wife I've ever talked to". Then asked if I had proof - oh did I - and [at his request] sent him everything I had. Then I threw up in the bushes.

I did not tell Mr Chaos I was doing this. He [along with a few professional others] talked me out of it before. It was a BIG MISTAKE to have listened to them.

In the time prior to that - I'd rehearsed what I was going to say if I ever did have contact with him. I'd spent months refining that speech.

It's amazing to me that BS's struggle, stress, carefully think about and weigh up options, show empathy to the OBS to tell them something truthful. It's a shame the WS's didn't ruminate the same way before deciding to betray.

Yep I think I'm having a cranky day today. Go and do something constructive, PinkBerry.