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I need to get something off my chest because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. My husband went hunting today with our daughter, and after they left, I noticed his iPad was still at home. We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to. But I gave in and looked at his email, where I found a Cash App receipt for $25 sent to someone I didn’t recognize.

When they came back because he forgot something, I asked him about it, and he was confused, asking how I knew. So, I had to admit that I looked at his iPad. At first, he was upset, saying he’s not hiding anything, but then he said if checking makes me feel better, it’s okay and that he understands. He explained the transaction was a donation to his old high school, with proof.

While his response was understanding, I still feel really upset. I hate that I feel so suspicious all the time. My therapist says it will get better, but I’m constantly afraid that something bad is going to happen.

[This message edited by AdLarue17 at 8:25 PM, Saturday, October 19th]

Your response — as uncomfortable as it is — is very, very normal. It takes a while, it a takes many actions by your WS to start to feel some level of ‘safe’ again.

I hated, hated checking my wife’s phone.

It turned out to be helpful. Some of her standard responses in work emails and texts showed her boundaries still needed work, despite all of the other things she was trying to change.

It’s been five years, maybe a bit longer since I have asked to check my wife’s phone, and I’m glad.

At some point, I learned to trust my response if anything did go wrong, I stopped worrying about whether the M would make it. And my wife kept working hard and the give a little trust, get a little, was a painfully slow path back, but we got there.

I don’t play detective anymore, and my wife, to this day, goes out of her way to keep me updated on her schedule.

However, those first few years, I understood my brain was trying to protect me the best it could. For me, early on, there was no such thing as an overreaction, I was still in flight or fight mode. Infidelity is serious trauma.

Be patient with yourself, best you can.

It’s so hard isn’t it! We want so bad to be able to trust again but they have damaged us so bad. I don’t look in his phone as much anymore but I still check his Snapchat counts (or whatever you call it) to see if it increases and I still drive past his work sometimes to check his car is there when he should be.

I often wonder if living like this will ever stop now, like will I always need to be checking on him about things. It is such a shit way to live 😫

We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to.

To me this reads as it gives him the chance to scrub it but that could be my own personal trigger/projection here.

I'm glad in the end the communication between the two of you was beneficial.

It will get better - proven behavior over time is what it takes.

We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to.

To me this reads as it gives him the chance to scrub it but that could be my own personal trigger/projection here.

I agree. That's a crap boundary for a WS to set. It's good that he understood and is okay with it. Why not change the boundary to you being able to look whenever you like? He gave you good reason not to trust him, and checking his devices helps rebuild the trust he destroyed.

Oh I can ask to look whenever I like. If I ask, he hands his phone right over instantly. He just doesn’t want me to sneak and look. Which I guess does sound suspicious… I mean he was sneaking around. But I’m ok with it mostly because if I ask, he has always immediately handed it over.

I think it is completely normal to give in to the temptation of checking his devices. Especially at times where you feel you can "catch" them.
I have the exact same feelings sometimes where I can't resist checking and am also dissapointed in myself for giving in to that temptation, but then I realise we are pretty broken by what has hapenned and it's just a natural reaction to the betrayal.

I honestly believe that the suspicious feeling will lessen more and more over time.

In my opinion that is a BS boundary that should never have even been discussed. He forfeited all rights to privacy when he had his affair.

Personally I would have a conversation and tell him going forward I will check any of your devices whenever I feel the need to do so

Oh hell no. You have every right to look at whatever he has. He lost all privacy when he cheated.

You have every right to look everywhere you need to to make yourself feel safe in this relationship. He doesn’t have to be happy about it. (For my FWH, it reminded him of just how devastated I was by his choices and stirred up a lot of shame). But, if he wants to make this work, he needs to suck that up. He caused this, not you. Eventually, I no longer needed to check devices….though sometimes that thought does pop into my head from time to time.

My husband, in early days, was super annoyed when I looked. He was annoyed that he no longer had privacy. Our MC hammered this home for him. For the W…their chief task is to be trustworthy in recovery. That is priority number one. If the WS can’t or won’t do that, why bother. The difficult part for us was in early days, I rightly didn’t trust anything he did. But, little, consistent, small efforts helped us to rebuild that.

If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you doing whatever you need to do to feel safe in a relationship with him.

Oh I can ask to look whenever I like. If I ask, he hands his phone right over instantly. He just doesn’t want me to sneak and look. Which I guess does sound suspicious… I mean he was sneaking around. But I’m ok with it mostly because if I ask, he has always immediately handed it over.

I'm not a fan of this "boundary". Complete electronic transparency. All devices, all accounts. If you do need *some specific boundary* like not checking his emails to specific trusted support individuals with whom he needs the freedom to share unfiltered thoughts free of your observation, I can understand it.

Him being informed every time you look does two things to you:

1) Applies psychological pressure to you, because every time you check it feels like an accusation rather than just you trying to get some peace of mind (even if he is normally quick to respond and receptive to your request on the face of it).

2) Gives him an idea of how often/when you typically ask, which allows him to pace himself or regularly delete interactions.

Because a WS has shown that they are willing to wage informational war on you, you cannot allow them any leverage over your information access.

When the fWS has shown they are more trustworthy, you'll simply find yourself not using the access you have.

He just doesn’t want me to sneak and look.

Then I guess he shouldn't have snuck around and cheated.