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What is the best way to deal with a BS telling you that you "don't love them because you wouldn't have done what you did?" Or saying "Why do you want to be with me when you don't respect me?" What are some good phrases to use that help reassure, calm and support?

"I’m sorry" is always a good choice.

"I’m sorry. I know my actions were not loving."

I’m sorry. I didn’t respect myself either or I wouldn’t have done this to myself, or to you."

I highly recommend The Four Agreements, especially the second one: Don’t take anything personally. It really helped me in the BS role to know that what my H did was never about me.

See this is where I've struggled before, I would argue till blue in the face that I loved her and because XYZ happened over the years but I was wrong.

It's a hard pill to swallow but maybe consider you didnt... maybe you loved what your BS gave you and loved that and how that made you feel but you never actually loved her in the way that she feels love or how normal people feel it (as a ws we arent exactly normal).

As I say it's a hard pill to swallow but maybe along with an apology that acceptance is maybe all your bs needs... that being said I could be wrong!

And to your original question be authentic and genuine rather than try finding phrases that may work

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 11:37 PM, Sunday, October 20th]

Hi,

The very basic approach is to apologise (as stated above)

When apologising they need to be authentic and genuine. Certainly it is obvious when our apologies do not come from a place of genuine remorse and empathy. The words are important in that you need to own your infidelity. You need to own the fact that you have hurt your BS. Using terms like "I’m sorry you feel upset" or "I’m sorry if I hurt you" are poor. Neither of these own the fact that you DID hurt them or that it was YOU who inflicted the hurt. "I am sorry that I hurt you" is better. You will need to know what you did to hurt your BS too and apologise for this.

A good book to read is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. A short book but useful.

Also worth noting is that there are no magic words. I came on here seeking those. Each individual BS is different and picking a few lines expressed by a WS on here is not going to help (see genuine above) you need to know your BSs needs and attend to those. Don’t just apologise once or twice and expect that to be it either. Apologies may be needed for years to come if and when you BS triggers. You have to evaluate each and every situation and try to react appropriately each time. We get it wrong and we learn. Hopefully this learning will not come too late.

Do not blame your BS when they trigger. The trauma we have inflicted runs deep and the hurt we have cause can and will come to the surface a lot. When this happens treat your partner with empathy. If like me you lack this, then read and learn quickly. We all have it, but we need to drag it from the recesses of our mind where we have hidden it away. Without empathy without living our BSs reality, we flounder. When we do, and we do, avoiding shame spirals and shame is important. Self loathing is still a selfish act, hard as it is, we still need to focus on our BS.

Your BS is hurting. There are going to be questions that you want to avoid, thoughts that will come to you that you will try to suppress there will be work needed by you to try to understand what you did and why you did it. This work hurts like hell, owning our past hurts like hell. There is no chance, however, of saving your relationship or even yourself without starting this process.

It has been a couple of days since you posted this. I imagine you have other questions or responses to what has been posted up to now. With more information from you, there are WS on here further down this line who can offer support and guidance more than I can. I hope you chose to post again.

Apologizing is good short term. But you need to figure out the whys and hows of the behaviors.

I don’t think the whys necessarily help the bs, but by understanding why you did these things and working to change those things in a deep way will still be important.

The best apology is changed behavior. And the deeper that you understand yourself the better that you will be able to address his questions and concerns.

In the meantime, what do you think about what he is saying? If the situation was reversed would you feel he loved you? What would you want from him? It’s not to say what you would want is going to be the same but it will help you think about his headspace and perhaps bring empathy to the situation.

I would recommend reading how to help your spouse heal as Lea recommends on the other thread. It’s a fast read and will help you also understand his headspace better. There are also some good articles in the healing library.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:56 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

duplicate post

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:34 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

Hello,

I believe I've heard these exact words for almost 2 years now, and believe me, if there was a magical phrase to make it stop, I would cut off a limb to know it.

But...

I have to agree with everybody else, apologizing is a great place to start, but it's very easy to screw it up and do more damage if not done properly. There's good resources out there for apologizing the correct way, especially after infidelity. I would suggest reading them. Like everything else about this, it takes effort and empathy.

Now, I do have to also agree with TinyTim1980, you may need to look at yourself and your feelings at that time and think about what your actions showed. I'm not saying that you don't love or respect your husband, but maybe you didn't love or respect him enough. That maybe you lost sight of yourself, your commitment, your vows, and your values. That maybe you opened yourself up to be vulnerable to other men because you didn't consider him or his feelings.

When I did this with my WS it changed everything. I admitted that I lost sight of our marriage, and that I wasn't being loving, respectful, committed, and caring. I said that her feeling that way was because it was true, and I didn't think about her or our marriage when I did what I did. Make sure you immediately follow all this up with reassurances that you want to stay and work on the marriage and recommit yourself to him. Then follow through.

The hard part about all of this, is that there will be days when no matter what you say, no matter how loving, sorry and honest you are, it won't matter. Sometimes there's nothing you can do or say to fix it and when that happens all you can do is be there and actively listen to him and don't invalidate or dismiss his feelings. Sometimes they just have to rage, and you have to accept that. I've broken every one of these rules and wished I could go back and follow the advice in these forums. Good luck to you.

This is my go-to response when asked if I loved my BH during the affair.

If you're asking, "Did you enjoy spending time with your BS, were they attractive to you, did you have great sex, did you miss them when they weren't around, did you like doing things to make them happy, did you still have dreams and plans for the future with them, was staying with them your Plan A," then the answer is yes.

If the question is, "Did you have their back, did you keep your promises to them, did you respect their agency, did you put the needs of your relationship ahead of your own selfish desires, did your actions reflect genuine care for their well-being," then the answer is no.

If you're only thinking about the first set of conditions and your BS is trying to get you to acknowledge the second set, you'll always be talking past each other. And your BS is right, because authentic love requires all those actions in the "no" category.

That should be put in the resource library or pinned somewhere in my opinion bsr. The clarity in which you write and cut right in to the heart is something I admire greatly/

So in order to keep this from a complete threadjack, I will just say, this is exactly where to start in apologizing and considering your accountability.

If you look at the second set, think why? What is the root cause of this? Because honestly this all comes down to character building and knowing these things will help you become a safer partner and when the genuine change has occurred your reactions and how you approach things will be demonstrably different. And if you do that and he decides to stick it out with you- this will be the stepping stones to building the trust. Everything you need to do from this day forward is think "does this build trust or hurt it".

If you are always honest with yourself in your answer and use that as a guide you have a fighting chance here.

Bear in mind that BS's often ask a lot of questions that THEY know the answer to. The reason they are asking YOU is because they want to see if YOU not only know the answer, but can articulate and own it. So for example, when asked, "How could you love and still do this to me?", that's not a question that requires an explanation. It requires acknowledgment. The correct answer is, "I could not have loved you and done that to you. Because if I had an once of the love that I convinced myself I still had, I would never have allowed myself to betray and disrespect you so brutally. Worse yet, I clearly did not even love myself enough to respect my own self worth and not allow myself to sink to such levels and do such awful things. The truth is, I didn't love anyone in the moment, and all I wanted was to fulfill my own emptiness, the cost meant nothing to me."

I know that, as a WS, and as one who is probably facing daily or frequent frustration from your spouse, it seems like the exact opposite of what you should say. But again, your spouse already knows all this. It is their reality. They need to do a gut check with you sometimes to see if you "get it". And the only way they can be sure that you do indeed "get it" is to hear you say it out loud. Along with the apology as others have noted. Both are important. Acknowledge, and apologize... and make that apology just as meaningful. Make it clear that you are sick to death of who you were, how you acted, and the damage it did.

One last tip - how much you do or do not love your spouse is irrelevant at this point. Saying you love them makes things worse, because as we just discussed, you clearly do not (or did not). They need actions, not words. You already showed them you didn't love them... now you need to show them that you DO. Words are meaningless, actions are everything. So show them who you are, how you have changed or are willing to change, and have complete honesty, even when it means throwing yourself under the bus. Honesty is a very powerful healer. It always hurts at first, but the end result is healing.

I agree with what everyone else has already told you.

The hurt we have inflicted on our BSs is beyond imaginable and it shutters them to the core, leaving them feel unloved, unappreciated and even question their own realities.

If we reversed our roles and we were the betrayed ones, how easy would it be to think, feel or believe that our partner truly loved us? I struggled with this a lot myself when I would hear my husband ask me those questions, but after looking at it with no defenses, I realized that what I thought of as love was the wrong kind of love as, in my case, it came from a place of emotional immaturity, traumas, and self centered-ness.

I would strongly suggest you showed him empathy and understanding and try to get rid of any defense mechanisms you may have. Please do not try to prove your point to him or start citing the things you have done in the past that you believe would prove your love for him.

Try to find your why's, why you did what you did and apologize sincerely to him, allowing his pain to reach you and understanding where he is coming from. Unfortunately, there is no magic word or phrase other than the ones that come from the heart and from a place of truly caring for the other person.

I am so sorry both you and your partner are going through this immense pain and I wish both of you healing.