SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've started tackling my feelings about my WW's affair, and talking to her about it. The affair is a long time ago and she is very vague about it: if I ask her basic specifics, such as, "Exactly how did it start?", "When you said you'd broken it off but it continued, how did that happen?" or, "How did the affair end?", she claims not to remember; if I mention something for which I have evidence, she says something like, "Well, that must be how it was, then," as if it were another person performing those actions.

My opinion at present is that the BS should know the basic facts of the affair: exactly how it started, how it ended, etc, but not necessarily the details of the sex. I know too much about the sex and not enough about the basic timeline.

What does the BS need to know, and why? What are the consequences of not knowing these aspects of the affair?

My MC’s advice was that my H should answer every question that I asked, but that I should be sure that I wanted the answer before I asked it.

You get to decide how much detail you want. I wanted to know every tiny detail mostly because I didn’t want to feel like AP knew things that I didn’t. I also wanted to drag everything out of the dark into the cold hard light of reality, like an autopsy.

The answer to how much you should know, is always up to you.

My wife confessed years after the fact. It turned out to be a very limited confession.

For me, I needed as close as possible to a full accounting of the time and energy put into the A as was possible.

It was my memory, of my work and travel schedule that helped form the timeline.

My wife, took a while, but she put together her best recollection on a timeline and after my 3.7 million questions, I figure I have about 95 of the truth.

I assume the absolute worst about what I don’t know or what she may not remember.

Ultimately, answering my endless questions, and my wife giving very tough answers was a substantial part of the bridge back to building trust. It wasn’t easy for my wife to own her choices, and I appreciated getting as much of the hard truth as possible.

At times, it is extra hard for a WS to share, because they’re sure the next fact, the next truth will be the final straw that breaks the M. Once my wife understood how important the answers to my questions were, her effort, her work to be honest again (finally) were helpful.

Figure out the key elements you absolutely need to move ahead and begin to heal.

How does your W do on time and sequence apart from the A?

My W just doesn't do time/sequence, and I do. We resolved the conflict by working on the timeline together. We started with one event by figuring out when it happened. Q & A filled in info about the event and brought other events out. We wrote down everything that was important to me. We did that process until I was satisfied.

You probably won't get exact dates, but you might get more than you know now.

Then you'll have to decide whether you believe your W or not....

I wanted to know as much as I could. I recently asked a question I had never asked before, though I can't remember what it was. IOW, there' no statute of limitations on asking.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:15 PM, Monday, October 28th]

OP, only you know your W well enough to believe her when she says she doesn’t remember much of anything. From an outsider’s perspective, unless she’s been diagnosed with dementia, I find that very hard to believe.

Ask her this: how are you supposed to forgive when you don’t even know WHAT you are forgiving??

Mine was a double betrayal and I know the starting point of the relationship. When doing the timeline, mine was much more detailed than the timeline XWH created. He was kind of shocked at the speed of how things went down.

He couldn't remember details about conversations because of the sheer volume. Even though there was a lot of volume, he was still a cheater.

But I try to temper this with the fact that I can't remember what I wore to work last week.

You need to decide what is applicable to you.

NO SOLICITING.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:53 PM, Friday, November 1st]

Mine was also a double betrayal. I found out 3 months into the A. At this point, there is plenty I know that I wish I didn’t. But, only you can decide what you need to heal.

I have to know every detail. I went years before she was willing to confess, years where she lied, but I knew that her infidelity had happened. (I got a call from her work roommate the night of her infidelity, telling me that she was out with her AP etc).

My mind conjured the worst possible sexual scenarios, her debasing herself with him in the most humiliating (to both of us ways) I tried to work on our marriage with these self generated images for years before she "came clean". If she is to be believed, my images for years that I had to work through were more grievous than the reality. Did she cheat, you bet she did, publicly, and in front of our mutual friends. Would I have been better off with details from the start? Yeah. The details that I imagined were even worse.

Brittn

Not to TJ - why don't you post your own thread on how you decided to stay.

Eric1964

Staying with a cheater - seems to be a sort of Russian Roulette - and:

Hippo. Just answering the question that Eric asked here. Simple. I’m not asking you for advice on what to post on here, thanks but no thanks.

Brittn,

I'm a bit unclear on your answer. Which were worse - the facts about what your W did or your beliefs about what she did before you had the facts?

Thanks.

Hippo and sisson, first, Hippo, sorry for my unnecessarily snippy response above. Oops on my part.

sisson, my answer was in support of getting all the details of her infidelity. I went years just knowing she cheated and my mind concocted details that were even more egregious that what (I now mostly believe] actually happened.

Yeah, in my case, she willfully threw herself at a coworker in public. At a work party, dancing, grinding, holding hands and making out with the guy. A humiliating betrayal, and done with, at minimum, disregard for me. But, as she stonewalled me, I built even further resentment about the details of their consummated sex escapades that, if her tearful confession (years later) is to be believed didn’t happen. She feared admitting the night’s events at all (even during couples therapy) and I worked myself up to leaving her based on her lies and the visions of her having sex with him. I have discussed a poly with her (will happen, but hasnt yet). If she "only" made out in public with the guy, once, that is a detail that might help our ling term reconciliation.

Is her betrayal less bad if she didn’t actually strip and have sex? Good question. Knowing the details of her infidelity lets me decide that, in our particular case. Still a work in progress here, actually. She just "confessed" a few months ago.

Thanks for the clarification.

Eric:

I'll echo what has been written already, that what the BS needs to know is completely up to you. Some of us want to know every detail, some don't, I even met a guy who was seemingly OK with not knowing the identity of the AP. When I write "need to know" I guess it is important to distinguish "healing" vs "reconciling" because people can heal and move on without knowing the details, I mean it is awful to not get to ask questions, but people have done it.

But reconciling it is a different story, which goes on to the why part of your question. When my WW would avoid or evade answering something, it didn't just feel like she was trying to keep something from me, it felt like she was trying to protect some sort of memory for herself and her AP. Like she wanted to keep some special little secrets just between him and her. I found it very, very hurtful, and it would fester.

So the "why" question, I think, is to help restore trust and intimacy and lay the foundation of honesty for reconciling.

@HowCouldSheDoIt:

Good reply, thank you.

At first I wanted all the details.
As time went on and he answered things honestly and with tears and regret , they tapered off.
Let me add he gaslit me for 3 months.
It’s been about 13 months since d day and I don’t have new questions that gnaw at me anymore.

I know there is plenty I won’t ever know , and I chose to refuse to let that hold me hostage anymore. What color were her undies? Did he like how she kissed? I haven’t asked and I don’t care , he hates who he was then and what he did.

I will say if he didn’t answer the hard ones to begin with, show remorse, do the work , and put us first I would probably still be asking questions.

I’m with you on the details, I don’t care too much about those because it was all FAKE, gross, and he sees it for what it is and I know he used her because he was insecure, knew she was beneath him, and he sees the A for a what it really was.

I know how it started, why it started, how long it lasted , when it ended, and what his thought process was at the time , and what it is now. That’s enough for me. I needed to know what I was forgiving and what he thought then vs now. I needed to see GROWTH and remorse.

Everyone is differen though and it takes time and work to get to acceptance. (Not approval) just that it happened and you have enough pieces of the affair to paint an outline and a timeline.

What is the consequence of not knowing and potentially rug sweeping?
My sister in law cheated on my brother 12 years ago , she changed and she came clean but he just didn’t want to heal, ask the questions, or do the work.
Their marriage is miserable, he still accuses her, wants payback, and throws it in her face every day.

I don’t want that life so I chose to ask, go to counseling, and try to heal when I got what I needed. My H chose counseling, to be brutally honest, and to do the hard work he avoided for most of his life.

@Eric, it was an epiphany for me when I realized that questions that I was asking about the affair were really questions about myself. I was asking about her actions specific to how they reflected on me, to get a picture of me. Just didn’t realize it.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

@HouseOfPlane - thank you.

On a separate note - your epigram haunts me (just as it should)! ("What are you going to do..." etc.)

she changed and she came clean but he just didn’t want to heal, ask the questions, or do the work.
Their marriage is miserable, he still accuses her, wants payback, and throws it in her face every day.

This feels a little unfair, I'm curious the context because I've worked with a lot of BS and I can't say I've met any who do not want to heal. I generally feel it is right to give a good amount of grace for "accusing, wanting payback and throwing it in their face" in the name of trauma response.

When the WS "Comes clean" that is not the same as remorse, empathy, and a commitment to rebuilding. We all know this, it is why I'm very curious the context and/or hear his perspective.