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My Wife was diagnosed bi-polar last year, after my insistence that she go see a therapist who then referred her to a psychologist. she was in a rough place and suicidal. I was genuinely worried about her and it helped that there was prior experience with this problem early on in the marriage. been together 20+ years and about a year into our marriage she cheated with two co-workers... Excuse, I wasn't giving her sex as often as she needed. She was generally unrepentant about it then and basically put it all on me that I was with-holding from her. I wasn't intentionally , I am a once of week kind of person, and when I am overloaded and stressed that can stretch longer. We focused on the marriage and each other after she confessed. kids grew up and now we only have one left in the house During that time , never went to a therapist (honestly couldn't afford to) and I just worked on us as I figured it was my fault and I needed to push past it. So up to this point i felt we had built a pretty strong marriage on the ashes of what was. I felt far more strongly in love with her than the day we married. which when you are young you cant help but think this is as strongly you could ever feel about someone.
fast forward this summer. right after a sex session. she starts crying and saying she needs to tell me something but shes afraid I am going to leave her. and suddenly it all comes rushing back and I know exactly what she is going to say.She cheated a year prior, during the rough patch , with I guess we can call it a co-worker but not really. my head is spinning and i cant say a thing except... i gotta go. I go for a drive to get away from her. on my way back i pick up a six pack and proceed to have em all. I'm not a big drinker... I maybe have a drink a month ... and i mean "A" drink. so drinking a six pack means Im skunked. I don't blow up at her, I don't make snide comments... i cant even say much. she explains that it was during that time before medication and it was once... and that she hasn't had an episode since the medication.
I am not leaving her. No matter how i feel , i feel its unjustified. As stupid as hell as that may sound to some of you. she had a genuine problem, and her therapists believe this has been a lifelong problem for her.
the questions keep running through my head...could I have prevented this if i got her to a therapist sooner? there is the unanswerable question of why? which inevitably leads down the rabbit hole of all the hurtful things ever said during the relationship.. which of course makes one feel unworthy of ever being loved.
she has been very transparent through this... putting on a tracking app on her phone (she suggested) constant communication as to her plans and whereabouts. it obviously doesn't make me instantly trust her. I know this will take years to "get over" whatever the hell that means.
It's still fresh... months on , obviously it wont disappear over night. every part of mean want to track down the AP's wife and let her know..which of course i wont do. I feel like my life is a sad joke. I bust my hump for my wife and family and ... this is what i get to live with. happiness is a lie.... its just a lull until you get to the next kick in the balls. the people who claim they care about you the most.... always let you down in the most hurtful ways. if you ever get a chance.. look up Type O negative's song Anesthesia . perfectly discribes my mental state.

her therapists believe this has been a lifelong problem for her.

Relapses happen. So are you willing to accept occasional cheating during rough patches or not? That's up to you.

What you are signing up for right now is a relationship with a person that puts your health at risk due to their issues. You are allowed to sign up for that. No one will stop you. But you will get hurt emotionally, and you could end up with an STD or a kid that isn't yours.

every part of mean want to track down the AP's wife and let her know..which of course i wont do

Why not? AP's wife deserves to know.

I hope you have done a ton of research. Hyper sexuality is a hallmark of bi-polar. There is a news show about an Olympic runner who deliberately fell during a race, went off to Vegas, became an escort and was married the whole time. She was finally diagnosed as was your wife. Mental illness is a bit*h for the person who has it and the people who love them.

If your wife was cheating on you would you want someone to let you know?

I echo the sentiment that you let the affair partner's wife know what is going on. I waited months before reaching out to the wife of the guy my wife was sexting and I regret not doing it sooner

I bust my hump for my wife and family and ... this is what i get to live with. happiness is a lie.... its just a lull until you get to the next kick in the balls. the people who claim they care about you the most.... always let you down in the most hurtful ways

TW: Truth bomb coming. I say this in the spirit of tough love…..

Yes, this is the life you have chosen. Your contention that happiness is a lie… is true in your life because of your choices. This statement is categorically NOT true for all. It’s your choice to stay with a serial adulterer. Yes, she’s mentally ill, but mental illness is NOT an excuse for adultery. Why? She knew what she was doing was wrong, else she wouldn’t have concealed it from you at the time. It would have been "Hey guess what I did today?!?" with a smile. She didn’t do that, did she.

I appreciate you’ve made the choice to stay with her no matter what, and you have every right to do so. Since that’s your choice, you’ll have to accept she will likely do this again. And again. Yes, this is your life. You’ve chosen to accept this life, and I won’t judge you for it, but I will push back against saying that happiness is a lie and betrayal is inevitable for everyone. That’s objectively untrue.

I would strongly recommend therapy for you, to help deal with the future betrayals, and perhaps to explore why you’re willing to be treated so poorly. Your self-worth is likely in the tank, I’m sad to say. I do wish you the best.

Brother EZD, everyone here understands your despair and the turmoil you are in. All I can say is that you need to cut yourself some slack. You are likely in shock and not really in a good place to make big decisions. Ask your wife’s therapist for a referral. Don’t be like me. You need someone to listen to you and help you cope with the pain. You have experienced a trauma. I know you said that money is a problem, but you need help.

I can’t tell you how I know about bipolar disorder without compromising my anonymity, so I’ll just tell you that I have had a lot of experience with folks with serious mental illnesses, their treatment, and medication noncompliance. In my experience, people with bipolar are most at risk of noncompliance and spinning out of control during manic episodes. Many simply enjoy the high of mania, the creative bursts, the ability to stay up for days, the ecstatic feelings. Others don’t like the side effects of their meds that bring them down into flatness. But I have known people with bipolar disorder who have been medication compliant for more than 50 years after having done some really dangerous crazy sh*t before being diagnosed. I suggest that you go with your wife to her therapist and have your wife waive her patient confidentiality so therapist can tell you when and if your wife is decompensating. If I were you I would insist on watching as your wife takes her daily meds. There is no effective talk therapy without meds and there is no cure for bipolar. This means meds for her life.

I don’t know if you can save your marriage. No one does, including you. I also don’t know if you should even try to reconcile. But I do know that you aren’t in a good place right now to decide. You’ll need time. It will be hard. You’ll feel every emotion there is, sometimes in rapid succession. I wouldn’t set my sights on "getting over it." I don’t think that any betrayed spouse ever completely gets over it. But some of us learn to live with it.

I don’t know why you don’t want to tell the AP’s wife. I think it is the only ethical choice. Try applying the Golden Rule. If you were the AP’s spouse, would you want to know what your spouse did? I would. It would hurt but not knowing would be worse. And the SOB who took advantage of a person who lost part of her selfcontrol due to a manic episode deserves some consequences.

Know that you are not crazy and you are not alone. I wish I had SI when I experienced the worst pain I have ever known. Stay with us, you have friends here.

Bipolar is the shits.

There are the up cycles, mania is out of control, but if it is hypomania it can be hard to recognize. Hypomania = irritability (rough patch) and often accompanied by hypersexuality, but not with the primary partner (you), as well as many other things that you could never imagine.

Then, there are the downcycles, when the chicken comes home to roost, and you are left with the tearful, or just severely withdrawn, mess of a person trying to deal with the damage they have done to those they love and who love them.

I know someone whose mother had bipolar, never well controlled, I think there were 7 or 8 children, all by different fathers, all adopted out, and eventually she died. They've been trying to figure out where everyone is for years.

her therapists believe this has been a lifelong problem for her

Almost certainly it has.

could I have prevented this if i got her to a therapist sooner?

Almost certainly not. People going into the up cycles are largely normal acting and productive, creative, usually fun to be around, so you think things are going well. Then it all goes to hell, rather quickly, I experienced this with someone I knew who was fine in late November and in January, when I saw them next, they thought the FBI was following them, bugging their phone lines, hacking their laptop. You would have to be clairvoyant to do what would have been needed.

These people have to be in near continuous management.

FWIW, they almost never use protection during their hypersexual phases. Get both of you screened for STD's.

But I have known people with bipolar disorder who have been medication compliant for more than 50 years after having done some really dangerous crazy sh*t before being diagnosed.

Same here, by chance I met someone a few years before they died, one of the earliest patients in the USA put on lithium, they lived into their 80's, this was after barely surviving their 20-40 year period. Medications work.

[This message edited by standinghere at 7:41 AM, Wednesday, October 30th]

I'm deeply sorry to hear about the pain and turmoil you're experiencing. I think it's important to recognize that you deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual support.

You are bearing the burden of someone else's mental disorders and betrayals. This NOT your responsibility, as you are not her therapist nor her personal care assistant !

I concur with what has been said, you seem to be generalizing that happiness doesn't exist, but really this is just a lie and you know it. Happiness does exist, just not in your toxic relationship !

Remember that prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish; it's essential. You don't have to endure the pain alone or feel obligated to fix problems that aren't yours to solve. I urge you to consider seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a professional who can help you navigate these difficult emotions.

You have every right to pursue TRUE happiness and peace in your life.

I'm not a therapist, but I find it hypocritical that you stick around using your wife's traumas as an excuse.

What do you personally do about the trauma her cheating caused you?

Cheating excuses change

I wasn't interested!! cheated

they have problems! cheated

She wanted it!! cheated

She slept with anyone she wanted because she knew "I wouldn't leave her."

Generally, you were deceived because you could not set any limits or consequences after cheating.

Get treatment for your own traumas first.. Go to a psychiatrist too

Not every woman who has the problems you mentioned is cheating.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, because everyone has their own reasons for how they choose to live their lives. You understand that she's now cheated multiple times during the marriage, and she has seen how badly it's hurt you each time, and yet she's faced no consequences. Bipolar Disorder or not, it isn't a good excuse to stomp on your heart and expect you to be okay with that.

We know you aren't leaving, you've said that much. But I do believe, and this is where it gets dicey, that you should sit her down and explain that you understand that her condition probably contributed to this, and that while you love her and don't plan on leaving, the amount of hurt she caused you will probably stay with you until you die. You'll never be the same person, and you now have to mourn the life you thought you had as well as the person you were before this.

And then you tell her that you're going to be sleeping with someone else. You don't yet know who, and you will tell her when you've chosen someone. You'll get ready, you'll kiss her goodbye and tell her you'll either be home later that night or the next morning. And then you go out. You either have sex with someone or not, that's up to you and what you feel you're entitled to do to feel better about the shit sandwich you've been fed, and then you go home, tell her it's done, and that you're going to move on together.

She hasn't felt what you feel, and until she does, she'll never truly change.

I think this is possibly the first time in many years where I’m going to call out advice as terrible advice.

Suggesting, endorsing or encouraging revenge affairs or infidelity goes counter to the very ethos of this site. Even when hidden behind some disclaimer about possibly not following a threat through.

This is complicated. My elder adult daughter from my first M suffered from type 2 bipolar disorder and hypomania. I do believe that they are genuinely not in control of themselves when manic. This is often misdiagnosed or mismedicated. Prozac is often too freely prescribed for depression without sufficient and nuanced consideration of the possibility of a bipolar disorder. P plus alcohol and/or cocaine = a disaster. I have see it all.

But this thing is this. The problem starts when your W places herself in an unsafe situation or in unsafe places knowing her underlying condition. That is what my D did and there was no excuse for this. I grounded her and put my foot down on the threat of kicking her out if this did not end (putting herself in situations where she would be at risk if she experienced mania.

Thanks Bigger. Bipolar is a mental illness. Period. It can be medicated but not cured. My daughter has a neighbor whose mania is traveling to anywhere on earth. She will visit neighbors she does not know as she is spiraling upward. When she reaches full mania she hits the road. Many people suffering from this illness hate the medicine because it deadens feelings.
Imagine telling someone with diabetes they are horrible people. That is what some on here want you to tell your very ill wife.
My take on this is to look at what you can tolerate. That is such a personal thing that you need help wading through it. I will bet there are support groups for spouses. This is what the internet does best. Ask around. As the net.
I am so sorry this has wrecked so much of your lives.

I have a close relative who is bipolar. I've seen mania phases that are downright frightening and depression phases where I thought death was imminent. It's a hell of a disease.

OP I don't think you are making excuses for your wife. We talk so much about getting to the "whys" of affairs and here we have a pretty clear one and still some folks dismiss it.

You know her better than us. You describe a pretty happy, solid marriage up until this episode. Her mental illness is real and powerful. It's as good a why as any other.

Having said that, you need to take care of you. You can support your wife of course but you do not control her or her mental illness. There is nothing you should have or could have done to prevent this. She is ill. The illness won. She now must work her butt off to get and maintain her health. That's the condition you have every right to put out there. She needs to work her treatment plan like it's her job. For herself and for you and your family.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt if you had someone to talk to as well. Can you find a therapist? You deserve support and space for healing YOU. Not her, not the illness, YOU. Make your healing a priority.

I always liked, "I don't wanna be me," more.

So mental illness played a part in my Ws A too.

One thing that is easier for you to get than others is that her A had nothing to do with you. FWIW that applies in almost all infidelity situations. It is an issue with our wayward spouses.

So, yes, I needed support on this journey. Everyone needs support. EAP, support groups, friends, relatives. You keep this inside you will never process it. It will remind you it's there and probably at the worst time.

I second the recommendation that your W sign a release with her Pdoc. Get her treatment plan drafted. Then tell her following it is not optional. If she wants you to stick around and/or stay out of the psych ward the treatment plan must be followed. No exceptions. Set that boundary. Be firm and decisive.

Therapy is the only way I've kept myself and my family intact. No points for martyrdom here. Look for help and use it is the best advice I can give right now.