SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On October 3rd, I received a message on Instagram from a stranger telling me about my husband’s affair with his co-worker. I confronted him right away, and he admitted to it. My heart was racing, and the moment he confessed, it dropped. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kicked him out of the house, and the next 24 hours were a blur—I was in complete shock, lying in bed, wide awake, shaking uncontrollably. For context, we’ve been together for 9 years, married for 2, and we don’t have kids.

The next day, he came by to pick up some clothes, and we had a conversation. He was so out of it and told me that he was never really in love with me—because, according to him, he had never loved himself. We talked about getting a divorce, and I truly thought that was the end of us. I felt devastated, heartbroken, and overwhelmed in ways I can't even begin to describe.

For days, I couldn’t eat. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. It was brutal, and honestly, it still is.

A week later, he said he wanted to "fix" things. He kept apologizing, telling me he had messed up and that all he wanted was to be with me. It only left me feeling more confused. He started individual therapy, signed us up for couples therapy, and I began therapy on my own as well.

Through therapy, I’ve realized just how broken our relationship had been, even before the affair. I’m not justifying what he did in any way, but it's made me question so much about my reality. The affair lasted about a month and had already ended before I found out. He later apologized for what he said the day after D day, explaining that he was in shock at the time.

He says the affair was like a "game" to him. He needed to feel validation, and that's what he got. He says he never felt an emotional or even physical attraction to her? I don't know if that's even possible.

I should also bring up the fact that during our entire relationship he always had issues texting female co-workers a bit too friendly and I always had an issue with this. Which now looking back should have been my red flag...but I always thought he'd get better or stop.

Now, I find myself asking: Is this even worth trying to save? I know it’s still so fresh, but will the triggers ever go away? My anxiety feels overwhelming. Even the idea of being in another relationship seems terrifying—how will I ever trust again?

Hello and welcome to SI, this is a safe place with a lot experience to help you. I would invite you to read the articles in the Healing Library on the main page and the topics pinned at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

I am sorry he has done this to you. I would recommend continuing the individual counselling but stop the couples counselling. From what you say this is not his first time and there is likely way more to his history with other women. Do not chose R at this time he will need to do a lot of work to become a safe partner. He needs to put everything on the table in the form of a written timeline of who what when where and how. Without the truth you cannot move forward safely with him.

The healing will take time, the triggers will lessen over time, but sadly this is something that will stick around for many years.

I'm sorry you are here. I'm also going to give you a bit of advice that sounds counterintuitive - stop couples therapy. Your marriage did not cheat. Your WS decided to. You did nothing - and there is nothing you could have done - to "make" your WS cheat on you. Your WS DECIDED to cheat. Period.

I did not believe this when I first arrived on this site, but the reality is, unless and until your WS figures out what inside of him allowed him to make the decision to have an affair, regardless of the state of your marriage, you all have no business going to couples therapy. I just posted a similar post here discussing all the reasons why I think that is a mistake (and letting your WS off the hook to boot): (second post responding to Fantastic's recommendation for couples counseling): https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=664591&HL=64418

Now, I find myself asking: Is this even worth trying to save?

At this stage most have no idea. If infidelity is not a deal breaker for you, you have time to think about what you want to do. You are allowed to, and should, take all the time you need.

Your triggers should go away, but it takes time and healing. Anxiety was an issue for me, so I went on meds for about a year. Some BSs (betrayed spouses) can have PTSD, and sometimes a trigger can hit out of the blue even years later. Healing takes time, so hang in there.

he had messed up

No, he didn't mess up. He made deliberate, conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray. He's also placed your health at risk. Please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there, and some can turn into cancer.

Please be kind to yourself during this time and practice lots of self-care.

No kids. No shared business.

No shared house? It's not clear if you share a mortgage...

If there are no practical reasons to stay with him, it's not worth working through the emotional trauma. You can find someone new that hasn't hurt you.

My husband had a parallel life for years. However we had been together more than 30 years and have kids. Before he had never flirted with anyone.

You need to feel in your heart if you want to give your husband and your marriage a chance. Not having kids together in my opinion is a no no!

However if you decide to give it a try I disagree with those who say no couple therapy. You mentioned that he was too friendly with other women and that has had an impact on your relationship that you need to clarify and I would deal with that in front of a therapist. Couple therapy does not exclude individual therapy.

If you are young, remember there are many men out there. Is it worth sticking to him?

[This message edited by Fantastic at 10:07 PM, Thursday, October 31st]