SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

10 years post affair and I am trapped. I feel just as bad about what happened on DDay, if not worse. He has done (mostly) all he can to try and rebuild our marriage. I have tried too. It’s just the level of harm that was caused is too great for me to ever overcome. I don’t trust him. I will never trust him. He goes to the gym 3 times a week and has friends there, both male and female and I’m waiting any day for him to come home and deliver the bombshell like he did in Oct 2014, telling me he has fallen in love with some young girl. I have tried therapy, hobbies, detaching etc and nothing helps me. I love my family life, my home, I work with WH in our family business and life is wonderful, apart from the one flaw, that my WH hurt me more than anyone in my entire life (and this is coming from a SA child who lost her dad when she was a baby)
I have no means of leaving and setting up a new life. And in fact, I think I would be even more unhappy. I’m a prisoner in my own marriage and body. Death is the only way out and I wouldn’t do that on my family. I look back and believe my life was over on DDay. I have inherited a heart condition from my dad (which killed him in his 20s) and now feel that even in ill health or death, I don’t trust my husband to have my best interests.
Just putting it out into the world how I feel.
Sorry for the negativity but in all honestly, some people like myself are not cut out for reconciliation. I’ve just too many foo issues to believe that WH made a mistake and won’t make it again.

I don’t trust my husband to have my best interests.

I believe you, and likely the reason you feel this way is it’s accurate.

I am not trying to be negative either. I have a friend that I have known for decades. She is till young by the standards of what she has endured but what she has gone through made a big impression on me.

She married someone a few years ago that she had known a long time. She seemed happy but the guy seemed…shifty? Not really from an infidelity standpoint, like I didn’t feel creeped out in that way.

A few weeks ago she had a stroke. He took her for care, then signed her out against medical advice, she ended up in the hospital the next day. It was a massive strike. She is blind, her sharp mind lost memory and she no longer can read which is something she always did a lot of. It could have been stopped and the damage wouod have been far less, but he didn’t care.

He split immediately leaving her mom to take care of her- AND drained her bank account.

If I hear someone say what you just did this is a big red flag to me. It’s one thing to stay with someone you can’t trust to be faithful, but please do not leave him In charge of any kind of medical issues for you. Get someone else to be power of attorney, have a plan. I think many people in here who have been cheated on might still trust their spouse for this, but the fact in your gut you don’t- please listen to it.

I also would say- if you haven’t gone through therapy, I highly recommend you do so. You may not be able to solve all the problems external to you but you do deserve and can have peace. Sometimes that means working through our wounds with a professional.

Godspeed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:51 PM, Wednesday, October 30th]

I feel your situation because I'm similarly situated and just got a scary heart conditon diagnosed after 22 years grinding along in IHS misery. It eats at our bodies, the distrust and need to protect our backs all the time. I liken it to being in a war zone too long. You need a break and an escape plan besides checking out physically!

hikingout gave you excellent advice. Draw up your advance medical directive or what some call a healthcare power of attorney that should NOT BE your WH! Most likely he wouldn't want the legal responsibility anyway, but there are people who will take advantage of someone when they are most vulnerable.

I'm sorry your life is not good.

SI is here to support people who have been impacted by infidelity. We're here to listen and provided suggestions. I'm with hiking - I think a good IC can help. If you feel as if you're at the end of your natural life, my dad sought therapy in his last years, and he said it helped.

hikingout gave you some excellent advice and I second it wholeheartedly.

You don't think that leaving will make you happy, and the status quo is difficult, so what can you do? Changing the way you think about it is the answer. It's not easy, and I know you've already tried, but you can either choose to remain in misery or you can start exploring different paths again to see what works for you. You need to feel like you have a direction, a mission, a way out of the stagnation.

Ktez,

Truthful is not negative and your disclosure will be therapeutic for people you will never know and never post.

For decades I accepted that I could come home on any random day and have WW tell me our life together is over and she is marrying a penniless gambling drunk.

WW telling me I don't have to worry about it was not in any way comforting

Can you emotionally divorce? In other words, live your life as if you were single and do whatever the hell brings you joy? Legally marriages can exist without the emotional baggage.

I have no means of leaving and setting up a new life. And in fact, I think I would be even more unhappy. I’m a prisoner in my own marriage and body. Death is the only way out…

Death will come for all of us.

In the mean time, consider that it s the struggling that is causing the pain. The wanting of something that just ain’t coming, period. The solution is to just radically accept that it is what it is, stop fighting it, and just get on with life. It is how it is. I like the idea of emotionally divorcing your spouse. Accept him how he is, and build your own life within the constraints you have accepted. Accept that he has one flaw, a terrible one. Just accept it. It happened.

Next time your mind rolls in on the past and what he did, put your awareness on that feeling you feel in your gut. That actual pain you feel, which is raw emotion. Keep your attention on it, no labels or thinking about what caused it. That’s your pain. Allow it to be. See what happens, see if you can’t change your relationship to it even a little bit.

Thank you all so much for responding. Some wonderful advice as always. This forum is a life line for me in my darkest days, thank you again