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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Hi user4578,

I will offer some experience with personal change, if you don't mind hearing from a former wayward.

There are times that my entire being (sometimes I think of it as my operating system) is telling me to do one thing (lie, hide, minimize etc) and my wise mind knows it's not the thing I want to do.

Perhaps with self reflection and awareness, you are beginning to make that distinction between what your operating system is telling you to do and what you know to be a better thing to do. Like when you feel you need to manage his emotions rather than taking care of your own - you are beginning to be aware of that rather than just follow the impulse.

You'd think it would be easy to know the wise thing to do and then to just do it, but sometimes it can be extremely hard. You have to identify your impulse to do something unwise, figure out the wise thing to do (that's where other people can really come in handy, you need people who you trust whose emotions or poor operating system are not involved), and then - this is really hard - do the opposite action of what your being is telling you to do. And then sometimes deal with the fallout of that when people who have grown accustomed to you behaving one way are unpleasantly surprised.

Not gonna lie, there's nothing at all easy about the process. Many/most people don't do this kind of change unless there is a very strong impetus they can't get away from. It gets easier with practice and the payoff is incredible. Freedom.

Eventually you'll want to understand where your poor operating system came from. Family, temperament, early experiences, maybe just original sin. You don't need an exact answer about where it came from, but a theory helps, so you can be alert to times when the worst of it might be activated.

PS What happened to the 6 in your username?

great posts.

Codependent. That's me. I used to joke with my kids that mom was the family "garbage can". Everyone would dump (confide) their worries and concerns to mom and walk away refreshed, while mom lost sleep and agonized over how to fix things.

I also met my H at 16 yo. Just kids. I am 64. I have always gone out of my way to accommodate his needs. In fairness, he didn't always ask for it, but he sure took advantage of it. It became very lopsided. His confession this year of a long ago affair was enough to wake me up. I look at the trust and faithful devotion I had given him and I can't help but be disgusted with myself. Where the hell was my backbone? My sense of self? Why did I put up with years of disrespect?

He cheated at the start and drug that lie through our entire marriage. I can now see that much of his behavior (anger, drinking, workaholic) stemmed from his own issues with lack of integrity, deceit, self esteem etc... He brought all of this into our marriage. He could have been honest and tried to fix it, but he chose not to. I put up with a lot because I thought he was a loyal, hardworking, honest and faithful man. Silly me.

If there is anything that has come out of this shitshow, it's perhaps my awareness of my own weaknesses and my desire to build myself up. Learning how to say no. Learning that I don't need to solve other peoples problems. Valuing myself. He is witnessing some changes in me and I can tell it catches him off guard. That's good.

Hope is good. I wish all the best in your journey.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

I too am far too polite and quiet when it comes to life in general. I never want to "rock the boat". When things go wrong, anything from broken appliances to arguments, I am almost in a panic state now at the thought of having to deal with anything else. I used to be very independent and could deal with almost anything but now I feel like I can’t handle any more. I guess I am a broken person now. I, like you all who have responded, try to make things easier. I constantly remind him of appointments and things we have to do but then he berates me for it. Example: he has a colonoscopy in ten days. He never read the email instructions so I printed them out a month ago and handed them to him. I reminded him to read them due to the time sensitive instructions for stopping meds and okaying that with his doctor. Never did. So today I said don’t forget to call your doctor to okay stopping your blood thinners before the procedure and he freaks out saying I never knew that and why didn’t I tell him about it. Go figure. I know what I should be doing is saying f—- you, from now on do everything for yourself idiot. But he would find a way to say it’s my fault when things go to shit.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Thanks 4578. Like you I have only been with him my entire adult life. Isn’t it funny how when you try to help you are told you are "micromanaging" him. I also seem to be a sponge for absorbing all his emotions and bad moods and in turn feel bad a lot of the time. He has NEVER taken any responsibility for his action, it’s always someone else’s fault.
On a lighter note I really wanted to scream at him the reason he needs a colonoscopy is because he’s had so many heads up his a— the last 2 years (AP, sister,his own) that he probably damaged something,

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]