SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. It's been a minute! I do pop in from time to time and read. My heart is with all who have unfortunately joined the club they never wanted to be a member of.

One year ago this week, my entire world blew up. So many things have been revealed and changed. It's amazing what communication can do for a relationship. Without having to go through the ugly details again, I'll just say my husband was seduced by a coworker (while working and living away from home) and fell for it hook, line and sinker. He had a year long affair. There was trickle truth for a few months and he finally came clean. I have access to all of his stuff. Trust me, I have a degree in 'findoutology' and he knows it.
An unexpected death (two actually) in the family caused him to suddenly get his life together. He reared his head from the dense fog and saw what was in front of him all of these years. Me. We've seen each other more this year than we have in the nine years he's been working away from home. We've been working hard at this. He's giving 110%. He's ashamed, remorseful and very sad with what he's done. He knows he's been a terrible partner and father and he's apologized. I truly hope that therapy helps him navigate through these feelings. We can't love others if we don't love ourselves first, right.

We're both in individual therapy and in the reconciliation process. Yes, I decided this was what I want, it's what he wants (and committed to) and it's what we're doing. The whore is out of the picture. She actually got married to her common law spouse she was cheating on for years, not just with my husband... yep, still a dumpster of trash. Karma is all I have to say.

I've been focusing on me lately, learning how to cope with my triggers and to accept and bury the things I can't change. Doesn't mean I forgive and forget, it just means I can only have peace if I accept and live in the present. Not the past. Not the future. Day by day, one foot in front of the other. I still love him and I still hate him. I hope the latter changes as each day passes. I'm surprisingly doing okay. I have my days, but I am and will be okay.

I'm not sure what I need right now...I'm just worried about how to get through the dreaded anniversary date. I know I'm going to be a mess. Any words of wisdom? Thank you all for listening. You've helped me more than you'll ever know.

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Thank you for your kind post, user4578. I appreciate you. :)

Level headed... meh, some days. lol I do know that this world has become so damn ugly and crazy and life is so very short - it takes my breath away at times. I don't know when our time here on earth is up, so I choose happiness. I choose to not live in the past. I am not responsible for others' happiness. I can't and won't let this break me. I am strong. I am beautiful and I am worthy. I refuse to ruminate in hatred and bitterness. Yes, I was violated and betrayed in the worst way imaginable and I would never do that to someone I love. However, the man that I love is capable of that. That's fact and I can't change it. However, we are all capable of change and growth. He has chosen to change and grow into the man he deserves to be. If he fails himself, well I will have to deal with it. I can't go into this reconciliation thinking he will fail. That's a negative mindset. I choose to be positive. I have accepted what he did and am moving on in my recovery. We all have different levels of willpower and none of us are without faults. He regrets it and has chosen to work on himself and be the husband and father he vowed and wants to be. And I believe him. I can't undo what he did and neither can he, so I have to accept that, learn how to deal with my feelings, put it in the past and leave it there. And so does he. I will find peace. He may never and that's on him.

I need to be logical in this process. I also need to give myself and him, grace. There is nothing easy about this, but it can be done and I choose to be successful and happy. I don't like what he did but the fact is, he did it. I need to accept and get past it if this marriage is going to survive. I can't continue to berate, belittle, take jabs at him or relive the past. That just makes him feel small and want to shut down. Why reconcile if I'm going to risk undoing any progress that has been painfully made? It serves no purpose other that to 'hurt him back'. That's just not me. Sure, I may think it in times of pain, but I would never retaliate that way. If I am having a moment, we talk about it or sometimes I just walk away and use the coping mechanisms I've learned to get through it. And it's painful as hell. It's an imperfectly perfect mess. This process definitely humbles you.

I look at it this way... if I were to not wake up in the morning, would I be at peace with the person I am and things I've done or am doing? If the answer is yes, then I'm making progress.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:52 PM, Monday, November 4th]

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

I'll just say my husband was seduced by a coworker (while working and living away from home) and fell for it hook, line and sinker. He had a year long affair.

Your post explains a lot of what many here went through. However the words you used are for me a 🚩. Nobody gets SEDUCED for more than a one night stand (and I have doubts about it anyway!).

He was no victim. If they had a one year relationship he made the choice to disrespect you, lie to you and deceive you and he renewed this choice for 365 times minimum.

I hope he took full responsibility of his poor choices. Just here to say this.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:42 PM, Monday, November 4th]

@FANTASTIC

He was no victim. If they had a one year relationship he made the choice to disrespect you, lie to you and deceive you and he renewed this choice for 365 times minimum.

I hope he took full responsibility of his poor choices. Just here to say this.

Yes, he did make a choice as I mentioned in my posts. I never once said he is a victim. I apologize if my word choice caused a red flag. It was not my intention. He certainly has taken full responsibility and that is why we're in the reconciliation process. Part of that for my personal journey is accepting, forgiving and leaving it in the past. As I said, I choose not to be bitter and ruminate over this. I've accepted it and happily choose to live fully in the present.

There are positive reconciliations out there and it is our plan to be part of that statistic. :)

@user4578

Trust me, I sure didn't have this attitude at first. Ooof. One day something just clicked. I've worked very hard to get past the anger and hurt. I get it and I'm sorry you struggle. Gentle hugs to you, if I may.

I was queen of self pity and wanting pay back and felt all of the feels! This absolutely destroyed me, as it would anyone. I feel very fortunate and blessed to be where I am in my recovery. I did that and I am proud of my accomplishments. My therapist is a rockstar. I don't know where I'd be without her. With tough love she was able to break my walls down and made sure I had the working tools to navigate through this shitstorm and most importantly, to humble myself. I thought this betrayal stripped me bare. Nope, nothing stripped me more than a stern, yet loving, lesson in humbleness. (This is just my experience.)

For me, it's all about attitude and perspective. I'm able to see the forest through the trees now. Today is a wonderful day. In three more days, I've no idea what is going to happen. It may hit me like a Mack truck. I have no way of knowing until the day arrives. One day at a time, right? ;)

Love your positive mindset. Will reread your words when I need a boost!

I'm mildly concerned you are allowing your husband to shave off some blame because of this "seduced" narrative. Your husband wanted to be in the affair. We wasn't tricked into it. He didn't get hypnotized. He chose to have an affair. Maybe I'm just reading your update a little wrong considering it's mostly positive stuff.

The AP didn't promise you anything. Your husband did.

The "anti-versary" is definitely a tough time every year for me, but less so each year.

My first year, I don't really think we did enough work. AP wasn't out of the picture in my case, and that definitely makes R nearly impossible.

Mods, please close this thread. This isn't the support I was looking for.

All the best to those in their recovery.

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Thank you @user4578

You've been very kind and I thank you. I read here a lot as time is all I have these days until my husband can retire. I see a lot of comments asking why this forum is now a ghost town and this is exactly why.

I appreciate you and wish you well, especially when your dreaded one year approaches. This has been a triggering week for several reasons and I like your idea to take a few days to yourself. If I didn't have a sick dog to take care of right now, I'd do the same! Maybe I'll treat myself to some pampering.

Have a wonderful day. :)

Thanks for your feedback. What support were you looking for?

I think most of us want to provide support to each other, but often it's difficult to figure out the right tone and content in a response.

You've done a lot of work in the last year, and you've developed an attitude that will stand you in good stead.

You asked about facing the 1st 'antiversary' of 'd-day'. The first few antiversaries are difficult for most of us. I was a wreck for 22 weeks in 2011, starting with the probable date of the first sex and ending on the d-day antiversary. I was a wreck in 2012, too, but not as much. My memory of the 2013 antiversary is fuzzy. IOW, my experience, like that of others, is that the date has less and less impact as time goes on.

We don't do anything special, but others do. Some do something special together; others do it solo.

It's perfectly OK to be a mess on an antiversary, especially the 1st one.

What surprised me was that I wasn't a mess on the 1st day of my 2nd year out from d-day. I relaxed. I think that was because I no longer knew that 'a year ago, my W was at this point in her A.'

The best approach is to live life one moment at a time, which is all we can do anyway.

Again, I'm sorry you did not get the support you sought. If you let is know what you wanted, you may get it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:00 AM, Tuesday, November 5th]

@Sisoon

Thanks for your feedback. What support were you looking for?

I think most of us want to provide support to each other, but often it's difficult to figure out the right tone and content in a response.

Thank you for commenting. I've admired your level head and comments in posts here. I had asked for words of wisdom (advice) on how to get through/face the approaching 1 yr mark, not assumptive/negative comments concerning what my husband did/did not do or say. Perhaps I've read the tone wrong, but I don't think so. I certainly didn't mean to trigger people, if that's what I did. Like you said, it's difficult to read tone in written words.

One day at a time. Thursday is going to come whether I want it to or not. I just want to be ready for it as I can be. Hopefully, I will handle it like the warrior I am!

Wishing you a fantastic day, Sisoon.

I'm a little late to the game and maybe your day has passed - if so, I hope it went okay for you. I was very anxious about our D-Day anniversary (Aug 7th). What made matters worse, is that we are both off work in the summer and would be spending a LOT of time together. I told him my "fears" of that day, but being our first, I wasn't sure what to expect. I chose to wait and see. We ended up going paddle boarding (something we do a lot of in the summer) which may have helped keep my mind off of that dreaded day. I know I cried internally and externally. I am famous for keeping my emotions inside and shutting down. I'm sure it wasn't the best day for him either, but getting out and keeping myself busy helped a lot. At first I thought I might prefer to spend the day alone, however my feelings changed and figured that if we are trying to R, this was something we needed to do together. D-Day anniv #2 came and went much easier.

I wish you all the best.

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Possumlover

I'm a little late to the game and maybe your day has passed - if so, I hope it went okay for you. I was very anxious about our D-Day anniversary (Aug 7th). What made matters worse, is that we are both off work in the summer and would be spending a LOT of time together.

Thank you. It's actually today. I'm surprisingly calm at the moment for being alone in an empty house. Our dynamics are a bit different. My husband works out of province so we are not together today. I was supposed to be visiting him for five weeks, but something happened that forced me to cancel the trip. :( Anyway, he's off today and has been in contact to make sure that I am okay and here for me in any way he can be. What I would give for a hug right now. Soon...

I'm so happy your reconciliation is going well. Thank you for your post.

user4578

Thinking of you today JustNeverEnough.
I hope the day passes as painlessly as possible.

Oh my goodness, you are so thoughtful. Thank you so much for checking in! You made me smile. I'm pushing through! Trying to keep myself busy with a friend's quilting. I don't sew but I can cut fabric and iron. lol I'm sure there will be a complete meltdown at some point, but for now, I'm surprisingly calm.

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:16 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

@user4578

I find this journey can be incredibly lonely, I wanted you to know that you’re not alone!

I’m glad you found something to keep yourself busy. I wonder if sometimes we dread certain dates and triggers and build them up so much that when they come around, they’re maybe not so bad as we expected. I hope the rest of your day remained calm.

It's definitely lonely! I think I did wind myself up. I teared up yesterday, but didn't cry. I didn't think about it as much as I thought I would and for that, I'm very grateful. Again, thank you for reaching out. It truly meant a lot.