SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife has another, he is a married man and in most or every aspect better than me: richer, higher educated, emotionally available to his kids, looks, maturity and so on. But they won't choose for eachother because, she says wouldn't stay for very long, because it would be the same situation for her. At the same time, when we have emotional talks she says that she has a place for him in her heart. When the relationship came in to the light, she played it down. That she should have never gone to the appointment. Later she accused me to be cause for the affair. And yes, we had our troubles. Because i didnt wanted fights i always isolated myself and didnt react or speak to her for days and sometimes weeks. Also I had once an emotional breakdown because of my child and workload during covid. and i dumped all my emotional garbage on her. A few talks later she for herself decided to disengage. I had no idea. I thought by informing her about my life, she would understand me.

Its now almost a year later and she does (gradually)talk differently than before, but she still repeatedly asks for time and space (for 6months ) now.

And every time i have a bit trust build, it is crushed when i find out that she visited him, because of his birtday or because they had a fight last time or because it was spontanious. She says that she will stay or when i repeat her words, rather (later talks) it is her wish to stay.

The pain is less than before, but i cant and wont endure for years and years, but i still hope for her to finally choose me.

I said to her that i deserve a wife who chooses me. That it's not fair to me for her to drag this on for years and years.

She answered that it's going to take months.

In the meantime she is improving herself:teeth, new wardrobe.

I fear what is going to come.

Today she is away for a half day because of a festivity. But she is not sharing any pictures. So i guess she is with him, with whom, in her words, she mostly talks.

Should i confront her or not?

[This message edited by Karel at 4:01 PM, Monday, November 4th]

Nicing back a wayward spouse never works.

I would tell her you are no longer going to wait, that if she can’t recommit to the marriage and go no contact with this person then you are out.

Nothing justifies an affair, she is playing you long enough to see where this goes because she wants to leave you for him but it doesn’t feel secure enough yet. Don’t let her have that time.

Nothing will change while she is actively in an affair because it’s likely also active addiction and the only way she will get better is to remove the source of addiction and commit to working on herself.

This is a hard no. You can not allow her to have both and wait for her to make up her mind.

Healing from infidelity takes years, and the healing doesn’t start until the cheating stops.

Thank you hikingout for your reply. I'm sorry for my bad english.
Yes a hard no does cross my mind. But i'm don't feel strong enough to bare the consequences. Im middle aged now and my memory is getting worse, especially when stressed.
While it looks as if she has gotten wings. Memory: she knows what she has eaten or what has been said then or the name of the restaurant or who was present at that time twenty years ago, great executive functioning, good control, high confidence, good in predicting behaviours of others etc.
I try to improve myself but it is a struggle.

She did say that our home feels like home again a few month ago.

This sounds like a totally unfair situation for you. What she is doing is emotional abuse - our and simple and YOU deserve better.

There are a lot of people out there Middle age that seperate from their partners for various reasons and live happy fulfilled lives. Other than a bit of memory loss (not alone there lol) why don’t you think you could be happy on your own? Or not find another partner who treats you like you deserve? I’m am 100% sure there would be another lady out there who would appreciate and love you kindness and loyalty.

Are you in IC? I think you should try to go and work on yourself. You don’t seem to know that you are a kind wonderfully human that deserves happiness and a better life than you currently are living.

BTW - H/O nailed and I think with IC you would get the strength to say ‘no more’ to your current WW.

Thank you WEBBIT for your kind words. I am in IC, even two, i tried a third one,but because she lives more than an hour driving away, i almost got in a major car accident because i tend to get sleepy driving a car. So i dropped the third. Beside these i have someone close to talk to, she has given me the support to stay strong.

The counselors did make me realise that i am ok as a person ,and to get more backbone. I am still searching for it though.

Tonight i have said for the first time that lies are not acceptable. That without honesty and openness i cannot have a relationship or marriage with her.

And i proposed she get a IC , i could find one for her( which she strongly refused) or she finds one herself this week.

[This message edited by Karel at 9:45 PM, Monday, November 4th]

You are in the wrong part of the forum, but happy to support you.

Your wife is currently having an affair.

She will not choose. You will not "win" the "pick me dance".

Almost every cheater picks "both" as long as "both" is an option.

You can only decide if you will participate in her decision to keep both. I think the answer is no, but so far you have just kept saying yes. So step one is to get out of infidelity. After that, you have a 2-5 year healing period which may or may not include reconciliation.

Beside these i have someone close to talk to, she has given me the support to stay strong.

There is a good chance you could end up in an affair of your own sharing marriage problems with someone of the opposite sex.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:19 PM, Monday, November 4th]

Karel, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can tell you one thing for sure, if my WH did not end his affair right away and choose me and the marriage, I would've packed his bags, I would've called his AP and have her pick him up. As if being cheated on is not humiliating enough, having to beg for him to pick me would've been the end of us instantly.
If you really want to R, in my humble opinion, showing her the door would be your best bet. sometimes they need a dash of reality to realize what is at risk. Give her something to think about, something to miss. Right now, she knows she has you right where she wants you and she still gets to have fun with her AP.

What she is doing to you is incredibly cruel. I agree with all previous comments. She will not pick you as long as you're doing the pick me dance. Show her the door and see what happens. If she comes back with true remorse and honorable intentions, and you still want her, you can work on R. If she ends up picking him, staying married to you was never a part of her plan. She is just using you until she feels safe enough to leave. You have mentioned he is also married. She might be waiting around for him to leave his wife and when he does, she will pack her bags and leave. Or the other scenario is he won't leave his wife for her, once you wife realizes that, she might pick you but do you want to be second best?

I can tell you one thing, most people would not treat someone they even remotely care about the way she is treating you. And she won't stop as long as you let it happen.
Please take care of yourself and realize you deserve so much more than what she is offering you right now. This is abusive and heartless behavior. You do not deserve this.

@This0is0fine,
I wishfully thought that we are in R, but she is on the fence.
Thank you for your advice. In this case this someone is a relative, so that's covered. However the prospect of looking for someone else is getting less negative with each month that goes by and with each time i discover her lies.

@CarolinaGrace, thank you for your kind words. You have the backbone i am looking for.

[This message edited by Karel at 12:38 AM, Tuesday, November 5th]

Karel, I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I agree that the pick-me dance is not a good tactic. I agree that your WS is cruel. I think, however, that your biggest problem is your cruelty to yourself.

I don't know how old you are, but from my perspective, 'middle age' could mean 70 and could easily mean 60, so memory lapses seem pretty normal. Also, I don't know your standards for memory. You could be expecting too much for yourself at any age. Have you talked to a medical professional about your 'infirmities'?

Further, you call yourself 'not strong enough'. I question that. You want your W back. You want her to love you. That's a sign of strength. You're not ready to give up your hope that she'll pick you. That's unwise, but it's not a definitive sign of weakness - maybe you're smoking hopium, but maybe you see something that indicates your W will get her head back into daylight.

Really, if she chooses om, what good is she to you?

I urge you to reframe how you see yourself. You're loving, lovable, and capable. You are the prize. Your W is not. You see yourself as weaker than your W and om. I think you're distorting reality, perhaps because of the trauma of being betrayed. IMO, you're a lot stronger than you realize. I hope you use IC to find the strengths you're not aware of.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:20 PM, Tuesday, November 5th]

She is not on the fence. She is having an affair.

@sisoon:thank you for your supportive words.
I am 53. My work memory is really bad compared to my wife's and some other people nearby. It is as if i can only hold one thing in my memory at a time, a soon as somebody says something or gives me an order it will erase the other things in my memory. If i am stressed it is more severe. I have to be conscious about it to remember two things and that almost hurts my brains. So together with some other symptoms i might have adhd type 2.

I will tell her to stop the contact and to commit to our marriage.( I asked her twi weeks ago what she is expecting from a marriage. She said nothing) 😭 Or one of us has to go.

Your wife has little motivation to make a decision because she knows she has you as a fallback if her affair partner does not work out and this is a power that you need to take away from her immediately. If she decides that she no longer wants to be married then you finally know where you stand and you start to build from there

My advice is to sit her down tonight and tell her she has to decide right now if she wants her affair partner or if she wants to try and fix your relationship

Do not give her time to think about it because that will only torture you. Ask yourself a question and give yourself an honest answer, do you see yourself being happy with this woman for the rest of your life?

@WB1340 thank you for your advice. Our lives are so intertwined that a breakup will be a breaking down first of everything and only after that i can start building up.

I asked her to make a decision tonight. If she decides for the marriage she has to commit fully. and cut the contact She said" so you, have decided everything". And " everything here will be alright after this?" I answered :" a marriage is between two people and both have to work on it". . She's crying now.
I almost embraced her to empathise with her.

OP,

PLEASE remember this phrase I think I found here, because it’s so true:

"Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"

@gr8ful: i understand. I'll stay strong.

1) You ARE under extreme stress. Being betrayed is traumatic. It really does foul up one's brain.

2) If you're ADHD, there are a whole lot of treatments that are effective, though it may take some effort to find one that works for you. BTDT. My reco is to find someone who specializes in ADHD and see if the diagnosis fits. I think finding a diagnosis and an appropriate, effective treatment is both important and urgent.

I asked her to make a decision tonight.

Not a bash, just an alternative mindset.

Don't wait for a decision from someone who has betrayed you. It is like asking someone who stabbed you 'Are you going to take the knife out of my back?'

YOU make a decision for YOU. If your WW wants to stay in your life, then she will have to do the work to earn a chance at reconciliation.

@gr8ful: nice quote, i'll memorise this one.

@sisoon: like you said trauma could be the cause.

@Rocketraccon: i have endure so much pain this year that the probability of her leaving is not so unbarable any more. I'll bare the consequences.

She will not leave you. She will pick both.

You cannot force her to make a choice. You can only control your actions.