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Does anyone have advice about wanting to feel close to your partner but also wanting to draw boundaries around personal drinking? I want to either cut back, which I am, or stop, but I feel like when we drink together it’s a window of closeness? I want these moments so badly but they feel fake because they come with alcohol. Is this ok in the first year of recovery or are they just a bandaid?

I tend to think it's like taking a drug that numbs your painful feelings, because I have BTDT! If you don't work through the pain in your relationship, each of you could find yourselves becoming dependent on it to numb those pains. It makes it way harder to change a habit when both people are into it, as I'm sure you have found.

If you gave up all alcohol for a time, how would that feel?

I would avoid the alcohol.

I am right there with you.

I drank so much for the first year and when I wasn’t drinking I I despised him. I slowly weaned myself off for the most part and I was extremely sad without the alcohol to numb parts of me, I felt all the things I didn’t want to feel and I withdrew from my H and I still do. I recently started drinking again due to a different trauma, not as much as I did during the A because I need to take care of my son who had a terrible accident but at night I try to numb out. I will say that from experience it prolongs the healing process no matter what you’re trying to heal. I would definitely advise against it, no matter how good the bond feels in the moment there is an unhealthy barrier between you two, almost voiding that connection.

I only say this from experience.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:22 PM, Monday, November 11th]

The harder thing to work through in a relationship is how we can only clean up our side of the street. So we can choose to get help to work through our trauma so we can stop relying on substances or pills, but if our partner doesn't do the same, we are going to become ringside seat observers to all their flaws and the marriage/personality problems drinking makes worse! Is that the fear, Dandelion?

My mom and dad lived that dance and I think I still am afraid of becoming like her. My Dad drank heavily when she met him, so she tried to be cool and stay close to him like you mentioned so she initially went along with the cocktail lifestyle (his parents were not teetotalers, either.) But after having us babies, she of course had to stop alcohol and it was a huge hurdle that led to her finally leaving him. Naturally, after she left him (for a man who at least was a happy drinker, not a mean drunk like my Dad), my Dad hit bottom, swore off alcohol and lived the rest of his life sober but kind of a hermit. I think he didn't ever work through his reasons for drinking in the first place so he didn't trust himself not to go back to it. For example, he wouldn't join the golf club at the resort he bought into, for fear of "the 19th hole camaraderie" becoming his whole life. He would pay $5.00 for a bucket of golf balls, swing at them til they were gone, then go back up to his small condo and sit on his computer. Rather sad.

[This message edited by Superesse at 4:40 PM, Monday, November 11th]

Is this ok in the first year of recovery or are they just a bandaid?

Bandaid.

Sometimes facing issues associated with closeness is scary, uncomfortable, especially the first few years.

Alcohol tends to mask problems/issues.

Alcohol has opposite effects on us. I get warm and fuzzy and want to talk about our problems. H tends to get uptight and begins his shame spiral. He told me I can ask him anything at anytime, just not when we've had a drink. Fair enough.

We still have drinks and enjoy each other's company. We just don't talk about A stuff. My favorite place to get close and have meaningful discussions is in the morning in bed before the day starts.

I think it depends on your personality and whether you have addictive tendencies. For me, alcohol can work as a Xanax and take the edge off so I can enjoy myself, but I don’t ever feel the "need" to. As someone who has also tried Xanax and antidepressants during recovery, I don’t see how alcohol is any different. They are all addicting and need to be used in moderation.

Hi,

My fWW used alcohol too much during our split, numbing her pain, kitchen discos for one and clearly traumatised wishing things were different and she hadn't gone nuclear on the exit affair or pinning to get away! I was advised by friends not to drink during our IHS and hand her the "ball" and for her to kick me with it. It is a traumatic time for everyone and I don't judge those that use it as support, noting the down side of too much. I knew too much wouldn't be good for me or helpful for my judgement.

2 years into R, I am a reformed character and have gone from 40 amazing bottles of open whisky down to 5, which are mostly full. I gave the others away to my sons and friends! Clear mind, super focussed at work, no groggy mornings, feeling rough and 8 hrs delta wave sleep has been the reward. I now drink 0 alcohol beers or soft drinks and enjoy the occasional dram.

My fWW still uses wine to get her through the tough times, she's changing career and is keen to drink less. I'm going to help her and we are in a very different place nowadays.

My advice is if you want to stop, then stop, go cold turkey for a few days, which can turn into weeks. Your mind gets used to the clarity, the feeling clean and your liver function improves. Be kind to yourself.

Be circumspect, and well, obviously!

Salty

[This message edited by Salthorse at 9:28 AM, Tuesday, November 12th]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I kinda guessed y’all would answer this way - I know this is just a bandaid. I can’t have sex and not think about the As unless I’ve had a few glasses of wine. And if I think about the other women during sex, surely he is also? I recently told him no more sex when we’ve had some drinks because as good as it is, there is zero sex without alcohol and this is just not sustainable. And I use it to numb out sometimes.
I’m going to meet with his sex therapist (with him also) this weekend, so maybe she can help.