SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe that you have gone 10 months and you have not had it out. No timeline of the affair which was surely longer, how they met, how many time they hooked up and how often. That she brought him home to your bed is unforgivable. Neither of you have done IC to deal with the affair or trauma. One big rug sweep. Your marriage is in shambles and you both ignore it, but you sir need to man up and show her consequences, otherwise you will find yourself in the same position down the line.

I don’t really see a need for anyone to say anymore on this thread until and unless the OP contributes more. The OP has made one post. I suggest we wait for him to respond and there he can confirm that he’s reading and possibly taking note of what we are sharing and or give us some reason to why our advice might not apply to his instance.
Not that I think he can... I think nearly all that has been shared is spot-on.

I do want to raise one issue:
It takes a lot of courage to go online and search for help. It takes a lot of courage to write out one’s story and to share it here. It’s not a coward or a weakling that finds this site, registers and opens up on what is possibly the worst even in their lifetime.
We might not think they are doing the right thing, we might have better ideas. But they did come here and share. We can deliver hard messages, but we can do that without deriding the posters "manliness" or verbally emasculating them. Let’s respect the very first line in the welcome text of this page, and keep this a safe place.

Bigger – in his attaché role...

Hey everyone.

I have been logging on and reading comments.

I do plan on posting an update / response. Unsure whether it's best to do it here, or in a new thread.

Thank you for your responses so far. I agree with most of what all of you are saying.

Good to read that you are monitoring your thread.
I strongly recommend you stick to this thread rather than start a new one.

I do however think that other than advice on sticking to one thread there is nothing more we can contribute unless and until you share more.

Welsh

you sir need to man up

That is a highly manipulative phrase.

We manipulate people when we want them to do something for us. His wife has probably done plenty of that. Our job is to support Apostrophe, give him advice, and hear him out, it is not to manipulate him into doing what any of us want.

What are appropriate consequences?

A BS can't legally beat, starve, or imprison a WS in most jurisdictions. A BS can't throw the WS out of the house, if the WS is an owner or lessor. The BS can't take their funds or car keys without the WS's consent. In any case, large numbers of people and a tremendously large portion of WSes never expect to be caught, so consequences don't do much to prevent infidelity, so consequences after the A are sort of pointless.

After a WS has cheated, the only legal consequence that I can think of that BSes can impose is D - but many BSes aren't sure that's their best course of action.

IMO, it's best for the BS to think about their own situation and options and not rely on general principles. Many BSes always thought they'd dump a cheater, until they have to make a choice - and then they realize dumping a cheater isn't best for them.

My reco is for the BS to ignore the very reasonable desires for justice or punishment for the WS or revenge. First, the BS should, IMO, focus on what they want. Then figure out how likely it is to get what they want. Then figure out consequences and justice. If the BS wants D, then they can get some justice by choosing D.

The fact, however, IMO, is that there is no justice for the BS. No matter what, the BS has been betrayed. That evokes anger, grief, fear, and shame. To heal, the BS needs to process those feelings out of their body. That is a crucial step in surviving, and thriving after being betrayed is the best revenge.

What are appropriate consequences?

How about exposure to all families to start? Yes, I’m sure some will poo-poo that as "exacting revenge". Hogwash. To me that line of thinking is short-sighted. The OP needs support and the WS needs accountability. Is that so very wrong?

[This message edited by gr8ful at 4:40 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

In response to Gr8ful, I don't think exposure is the wrong approach at all. It's accountability. When my wife stepped out on me, I made sure EVERYONE knew. Everyone. To be fair, I did also explain how I hurt her many times over the years in other ways and betrayals of trust, which explained why I didn't immediately throw her out. It's been a hard road for both of us but it was the better call for us and I think we've finally found the happiness we had been seeking for so many years. But I also know that if she were allowed to keep her secret, she would have many more opportunities to be more secretive. With others' eyes always watching, I feel more secure.

OP's wife has probably been thrilled he has yet to bring it up. She feels it's blown over and she didn't even have any consequences. OP, you've had time to process. You've had time to think about how this has made you feel. If you're okay with it and have a c(u)c(k)o(l)d fetish, that's on you and we won't judge. But if you truly feel humiliated and you AREN'T okay with that, then it's time to blow the lid on this secret.

I agree with exposure to both families. It will bring your wife and her AP to some community accountability. Put his wife on the watch as well, and would prevent your wife from rug sweeping and blowing off her responsibility here.
I understand the desire to keep it secret, to avoid the public knowledge of your cuckolding and the desire to hide that your wife stepped outside for her sexual needs. I tried to do the same. Shame drove me to attempting secrecy. Only her indiscretion in my story prevented that.

Get support from your family, tell them. The other wife deserves to know as well. You don’t want to be part of the cabal that keeps secrets from her.

I understand the desire to keep it secret, to avoid the public knowledge of your cuckolding and the desire to hide that your wife stepped outside for her sexual needs.

I guess you're a cuckold by definition, but in today's environment, there are lots of totally incorrect associations that go with the term. All it means is that your WS failed as a woman and as a human being. Your W's failure says nothing about you, whether others think it does or not.

In all likelihood, your W DID NOT step outside for her sexual needs. She cheated because she wanted to avoid facing and resolving her own internal emotional issues. In all likelihood, she looked for someone else to cure her emptiness, something she looked to you for, too. The problem is that she's the only one who can cure that emptiness.

Exposing to families is fine if it comes out naturally. Otherwise, it smacks of counting on other people to cure your own pain - but only you can cure your pain.

Worse, if true R is on the table, it might be better to keep knowledge of your W's A more private. Again, seeking support from a family member you love and count to provide emotional support to you makes good sense. If you split, it makes sense to tell friends and family shy you split.

But we no longer place people in stocks so that spectators can through rotten vegies and/or eggs, rocks, and ordure at them.

Look, you're in pain. Exposing one's WS for the purpose of exposing them certainly adds to their pain. The thing is, IMO what counts after being betrayed is reducing one's own pain. Making your WS feel like shit doesn't help if you feel like shit all along.

My reco is to let your W deal with her own shit and her own pain. You'll benefit most by resolving your own.

Part of 'dealing with your own' is, IMO, dealing with the shame of being betrayed. As always, your WS betrayed you only because they betrayed themself first. Feeling shame for your WS's failure makes no sense, but it's something we all (or almost all) have to resolve. And it's your own problem to solve - no one can do it for you.