SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

This site has been invaluable to me whilst recovering from discovering my WH's affair 3 years ago. We are still together and day to day is calm and we are communicating well. Over the years I have had a number of triggers that I am now able to brush away much more easily. One stubbornly remains though and I was hoping that maybe someone could help. WH's affair was with a work colleague and began after a group night out. On the night out the 2 of them apparently spent the whole night talking to each other and from this they were both clear (without directly speaking about it) that they wanted to become physical. It still makes me feel sick to think of the 2 of them talking to each other on that night out and angry that my WH got involved in this. This first step to it progressing to sex in hotels during the working day. If I go out with my husband now and there is an attractive (not that the AP was attractive) woman serving us or near by I get terribly triggered. If they smile at WH he smiles back - as is normal when in a shop, for example.
There was an inappropriate interaction, between the affair ending and me finding out (a period of 2 1/2 years) between a 'friend' and my husband. She was super flirty with him, and he didn't respond, but he equally didn't call her out on it. It involved her physically touching him. This, to me is that same type of interaction he had with the AP which led to the affiar. I am still obsessed with this one interaction (over 3 years ago) as it is a physical memory I have that makes me think of the night with WH and AP in the bar. This is causing issues in our couple friendship group as I refuse to interact with her or see her anymore. It makes me too anxious. So I have 2 issues, letting go of the inappropriate interaction with the 'friend'and living with my WH out in a world where women will flirt with him, smile at him, even if innocent when buying a coffee! Please can you help!

I am sorry for your pain and triggers.

I don’t think your triggers are unfounded but are on a massive level. But start with the friend group.

I agree it is best to avoid them (because of one person). If it upsets you - you have to do what you need to do. Until you get the courage to be able to manage your own feelings and still be able to see her in a social setting, it is best to avoid it. And if you never change your mind about this "friend", then don’t see her again.

Now for the second part. Attractive women who are friendly and possible just doing their job. People get paid (like tips) to be nice and friendly and provide a service. To them, your H is nothing more than the average Joe that they want a tip from.

I’d bet most are NOT interested in your H.

But that doesn’t do anything for you or your feelings.

Just as a backstory my H’s last OW was 20 years younger than me. She was cute enough and he planned to D me to be with her. She was single w/ no kids and ready to replace me (even as a step mom lol).

I worried all the time about all the women out there until I had a thought. My H had an affair w/ the OW because she was available AND willing to be the OW.

She could have been anyone lol. Young, old(er), thin, heavy, pretty, smart, dumb, train wreck, etc.
The ego boost the cheater gets is from someone who is willing to take seconds or worse yet, basically be used. They don’t "love" each other - it’s infatuation and being used to get some thrill or excitement in their life.

The more confident you get in yourself, the less other people will affect you. Honestly if my H openly flirted w/ someone in front of me, I would have no problem D him. Yup that’s where I am - zero tolerance and no second chances.

I’d like to say that since dday2 11 years ago, I am more confident and sure of myself than I ever was. I don’t care what other people think and my opinion is the only one that matters. My H either lives up to my expectations or not. His choice.

But if I am not happy, and he’s the cause of it, it’s up to me to do something about it. All this to say that if someone is friendly to your H, that’s okay as long as there are boundaries and he behaves appropriately.

My H no longer allows people to touch him — even my close friends who are NOT interested in him. He understands the disrespect he showed me and has adjusted his behavior accordingly. If your H has done the same, I think you can relax just a bit and not be so bothered by other people.

I also have protected myself in case he ever decided to kick me to the curb again. A post nup is a wonderful thing for my peace of mind.

The1stWife, many thanks for your reply. It is very much appreciated. I have decided not to socialise with the 'friend' but another couple won't accept this and keep inviting us. I have tried explaining the reasons but either they don't understand or they don't want to, as they would rather keep the larger group together. I just say a polite no thank you when it comes up but it leaves me triggered. I think as triggering is so infrequent now it is more debilitating as my brain/body is 'out of the habit'. To be fair they didn't suggest anything for months so hopefully now I have said no again they won't ask. There is a possible big birthday party next year and I just won't go if I still feel like this.

My WH definitely affaired down and he is so embarrassed and ashamed about that now. You speak so much sense and if my WH ever touched, flirted with etc. anyone it would be D for me too. This is my 2nd marriage and I would be 100% OK on my own. He is well aware of this. Last time I had 2 very small children and was perfectly fine. He never behaves inappropriately - it is definitely an issue I have. I think being open and telling him has helped, which I have done today, as he has asked what he needs to do.

You speak a lot of sense and I don't think they are interested in him. I think maybe I need to find a way to deal with it in the moment....