SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone dealt with a functioning alcoholic and affair at the same time?

Was there any success in saving the marriage?
Any tips?

I don’t know what to do. Feels like no progress can be made be because every day he is either in withdrawal or drunk. Or I’m not sure.

Please help if anyone has been in my shoes. I don’t want to wreck my family and ruin my kid’s lives.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're joining us. Infidelity is the worst. There are some who have dealt with alcoholism and an A (affair). It isn't easy because the alcoholic really needs to stop drinking.

I read in your other thread that your therapist said to work on the M (marriage) before dealing with the infidelity. Your M didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. An analogy that's used here is being in the car driven by your WH and he crashes. You're both injured and you've broken a leg pretty badly. The paramedics are going to fix you up and take you to the hospital so you can begin to heal. It isn't until later that the car is going to be repaired. You heal you and your WH is responsible for healing himself.

If your WH is wanting to R (reconcile), then he needs to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages, and is a quick read.

I don’t want to wreck my family and ruin my kid’s lives.

You aren't wrecking your family and ruining your children's lives. Your WH is the one who threw the bomb in your M.

You may also find Alanon groups for family members helpful.

Yes. During the affair that I was unaware of, my fWH was a functional alcoholic at home. There was emotional, lots of verbal abuse and two times physical abuse.

I was hoping this would go away, it did not nor did he stop drinking when I kicked him out on dday and he moved in with his AP. They were both alcohol abusers. I do know that the alcohol abuse began before the affair, and intensified during the secret affair. I understood on dday that he truly was f*up.

My children were adults and had moved out of our home.

The alcohol abuser must want to change.. you cannot do that for them nor can you police them..they must withdraw on their own.
To understand I joined a alcohol anonymous family support group.

I dont have a clear cut answer for you except to say that the damage is already in progress in your family. You dont want to wreck your family and ruin your kids lives., I get that. Your spouse is doing this on his own. He is wrecking his family as I write.

What you can do is decide on a course of action that will bring some peace in your life. Safety for you and your kids. You really need to figure out what to do right now. Look for support, guidance in dealing with an alcoholic first then deal with the cheating, because it is reasonable to say that you cannot talk to an alcoholic abuser. I could not handle his withdrawals. I was walking on eggs at home. I was relieved when he left me for his AP because I no longer had to deal with his mood swings. But then I faced the betrayal whammy. I got help to deal with that.

I gave him his last chance to reunite with me once I saw that he wanted to stop drinking and once he dumped his AP. The first two years were brutal with some nice moments. He was withdrawing physically from alcohol and emotionally from his AP.

It was an uphill battle for me to survive. But I did and now about six years later we are coming to an understanding of how we want to live with one another.

For this to work out, both of you must want to make it better for one another and make it better for your kids. Both of you.

And you cannot make your spouse want to.

You do have choices, it may not be what you want right now but in the end it does work out.

I am so so sorry. I’m not nearly as wise as anyone on this website, but wanted to tell you I understand. So, my first husband was an alcoholic and cheated. He maybe stopped cheating (probably), but he never got sober. I stayed married just long enough for him to get his third DUI so he lost custody of my kids until he went through rehab yada yada. Fast forward ten years to a few weekends ago and he drove drunk with my kid. So…. Not a great experience or a lot of support from me regarding sober recovery etc.
ok, second husband. Also a cheater. Also an alcoholic. I’m not sure where this marriage will end up.
My only advice is to see a lawyer - like tomorrow- and get information about what life would look like divorced in terms of kids and finances etc. Not that you have to act on it, but just so you don’t have to use energy making up that story in your head. Also, get an amazing counselor. I’m going out on a limb here and thinking you could use some help with firm boundaries. Friend, take care of yourself. Deep dive like your life depends on it be the healthiest version of yourself you can be. You will probably make mistakes in this whole dang process and that’s expected- keep loving yourself.
I also wonder, if like both of my husbands, that your husband tries to get you to drink with him? You don’t have to answer that. Oxo

Alcoholism and cheating, among other things go hand n hand. One thing for sure is that addiction is pure evil.

Sometimes therapists don't like to work with addicts until they are sober and in a program such as AA, or rehab.

My late husband was also an alcoholic. A cheater. Liar. Functioning. He lived a double life.

I've joined fb groupsites specifically for spouses of alcoholics. It was helpful because others could understand and could relate to what I was going through. Joining some of these groups is something you may want to consider?

I'm not in that place anymore thankfully since my late husband passed away. I am sad that he passed away though and I miss him dearly, but I'm also relieved to not have to deal with his distructive behaviors anymore, especially the infidelities. Broke my heart and changed me forever. Just wished he would have chosen to get better... and then cancer struck.

I recently decided to get off of those groups because it is time for me to heal and move forward. But, you may want to check them out and read the stories on there. You will find a lot of similarities to yours and what my situation was.

Alanon, this site and therapy were so helpful in getting me to see things clearly and in a different light.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know this road is hard.

Yes, I would echo that alcoholism, as well as other substance abuse, often times involves infidelity, it certainly did in our case. I wasn't even aware that my spouse was drinking as much as she was, as she was drinking and secret, and drinking with another man as well.

Al-anon is helpful, it can help you get a different perspective about why you were thinking the way you were thinking, and why your alcoholic partner is behaving the way they are/were behaving. That community knowledge is very helpful. In a very difficult time in our recovery, I joined Al-Anon and while I didn't use it very much, there were some conversations online about what I was experiencing with somebody else who had experienced the same thing, that really made a difference in how I perceived my own part in our relationship.

Keep in mind, it's not you that's going to wreck your family, it's your alcoholic partner and their destructive behaviors, that's what wrecks families.