SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

I would like to ask if you have any recommendations on a good,
competent couples' therapist who has helped you and your partner navigate the trauma of betrayal.

We have tried many therapists (our current one practices EFT) but noone seems to grasp the seriousness of the situation and insist on focusing on the more generalized aspects of the relationship (communication, etc) instead of addressing the actual hurt, the triggers, and all of the important things that would help us heal and hopefully come out the other side stronger than ever.

We live in Switzerland and we do our sessions online. How/where did you find your MC? Was it from a certain website, did someone refer them to you?

At this point, both me and my BS are very disappointed and almost on the verge of giving up as changing many therapists is very emotionally draining, as well as expensive, so any tips on how we could find a good MC that addresses traumas, or even any suggestion of a good therapist that maybe has helped you, would be greatly appreciated!

Are you the WS? If you are, are you also in IC? How is that going? What is your goal for IC? If 'change from cheater to good partner' isn't one of your goals, make it one.

Whether you are or aren't, what do you hope a good MC will do for you? The M didn't fail - the WS did, so the WS is likely to benefit from IC until healing is well-established. Only then is MC likely to help.

MC helped us, because our MC (who also was WS's IC) confronted my W's fuck-ups until they all got confronted. Along the way, a bit of time was spent on my fuck-ups, but it was my WS's about 90-95% of the time.

What is 'EFT'? Is it tapping? (If you don't know what tapping is, search the web on tapping EFT.

Thank you, simoon, for your comment. Yes, I am the WS. Long story very short, I cheated on my partner 18 years ago, but DDay was about 1,5 year ago.

Both me and my BS have tried IC but it only made things worse for both of us and it almost drove us completely apart. That's when we decided to stop for now, so whatever progress and healing we have made on a personal lvl has been by ourselves, by reading books, watching videos, supporting each other, etc.

My goal personally from IC is, among others, to heal from some deep traumas, find my why's about what I did and become a better person and partner.

What both me and my BS would hope a good MC will do for us right now is to focus on the betrayal trauma, give us the tools to start healing, as well as guide me to hold his pain in a way that is meaningful to him and repair what I broke all those years ago. And, as you said, we would like our MC to confront all my fuck-ups.

Unfortunately, so far, they all insist mainly on fixing the present issues first, but, although we are honest and quite upfront with them about what we need to be able to heal and move forward, they don't seem to understand that the problems we have in the present derive
from me cheating in the past. So, unless we resolve that, nothing else can be resolved.

EFT stands for emotionally focused therapy and it is highly suggested for couples who are trying to recover from cheating, combining different methods, including Gottman.

My reco is to stop trying to control the outcome. Focus on healing. What happens to your M will depend on how you and your H heal.

The tapping version of EFT can also help heal from traumas. I recommend checking it out; it may work for you.

From my understand of therapy - individual and couples - I believe you're asking something of MC that it can't do. What you want is much more in the sphere of IC's capabilities.

Welcome to SI. The Healing Library is located at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources that are beneficial to both the WS (wayward spouse) and the BS (betrayed spouse). There's also a forum specifically for the WS with a post pinned to the top that you might wish to read.

One book that is highly recommended for the WS is How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

For me, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist was able to address the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal. Most therapists have a website (at least here in the US) where I was able to review the IC's background and what special training they had. The MC is to help heal the relationship by working on communication, etc.

Thank you leafields,

We have read the books you recommended and I have viewed (and keep checking daily) and posted on the Wayward section of the forums.

Did IC with an expert on betrayal trauma work well for you? Would you mind sharing a few keypoints that helped you heal or your experience overall?

We do research our therapists beforehand. Our current MC has expertise on traumas, so I thought he would be a good fit, and although I do understand the complexity of my and my WSs situation, all we have gotten so far from the sessions is condescension, that he understands both of us, but no tools, no accountability, nothing really that we haven't already done individually and together to heal and find a way forward.