I don’t think I’m giving us a fair chance at R as I’m holding back any love toward him.
Our relationship currently is that of good friends which is a good starting point but I’m not sure how to let my guard down to give/receive love. I’m holding onto a lot of embarrassment and shame about staying together and friends and some family don’t want to be around him so that means we’re not back to being a team.
(Although I guess we weren’t on the same team anyway if he had an affair for so long).
I know this post is more of the same with regards to my limbo and one day I hope to have a more productive post but we are where we are.
We're in a better place than we have been previously as I do feel that I’m softening around him, but as much as it feels right and we can have a family, I feel like it’s wrong to stay and I’m letting myself down. But the human part of me understands people make mistakes and get into situations that spiral out of control but then I’m gaslighting myself into minimising the severity of what he’s done. When I hear other peoples cheating stories which are less severe and they left, I think why am I still here. But I don’t feel strong enough to leave so maybe that means I’m on the right path.
Therapy just doesn’t seem to work I’ve even tried someone else but nothing helps.
Anyway sorry I’m waffling but essentially how do you let go of the pain, shame and embarrassment and rebuild a better relationship? How can I allow myself to fully love him again and be intimate again? How can I stop feeling like I’m missing out by staying?
Why can’t I make a clear decision to fully engage in R or to leave? In theory and what society tells you, I should leave (and have left already). Some days staying seems more painful than leaving and other days leaving seems more painful than staying.
Just want this pain to end and my mind to be clear and have peace in my life and starting living again and making plans and not being embarrassed about my choices and feel empowered. But I don’t feel empowered right now.
