Dr-
I think the answer lies in the specific cases.
When true reconciliation occurs the ws has gone in a quest to trace all the things that made them want to cheat, and able to carry out.
Cheating is often far more complex than "they did it to have an orgasm" that is such a simplification that you would never be able to correct it. And for some people it’s that simple. But in the larger scheme of things cheating happens in all sorts of marriages, even great ones.
There is a laundry list of things that I had to really work on for years. People pleasing, perfectionism, martyrdom, illogical thoughts and conclusions, my own programming, my relationship with my values, mindfulness, intentional appreciation, taking full accountability and making amends, being intentional in building trust, becoming responsible for my own happiness, becoming aware of my avoidance and tendencies for escapism, communication skills, and more.
The new marriage is easier to understand when you think of it as the person you are now married to is markedly different. They actively love and respect you. We had a pretty good marriage before, but I can point out vast improvements that are tangible and agreed upon by both of us.
No one in this forum would encourage someone to forgive, get cheated on, forgive, get cheated on, etc. a lot of multiple ddays listed are trickle truth and even some of those are not encouraged, though I do think that is a bit more tolerated than having subsequent affairs after discovery. There is some failure going to happen, it’s inevitable. It just depends on what that failure is.
Those here who are successfully reconciled report still hating the affair, but satisfied with their decision because they like their marriage the way it is now.
I agree with you that there are many people who do not reconcile, they stay together, and for some of them that still works for goals they personally have but they are people I think that have made peace with not being vulnerable with their ws.
Reconciliation is not achievable or even encouraged in all circumstances. But there are many situations here and in real life where the ws hit this place of rock bottom and never want to go back to that so they have had to learn to manage their life differently.
While I don’t condone what precipitated it and I wish I had done this work some other way, my marriage is so much sweeter, more passionate, we are more vulnerable and honest, we support each other unconditionally, and have true connection. We went through hell getting here but there is nothing I would trade it for. That’s the truth.
Are there people who repeat? Yes. Most of what I see is that happens in situations where the affair was not properly dealt with, processed, and both people focused primarily on themselves for a period of time before turning back to deal with the relationship. No one starts there though, it seems that often that first year is about grieving. I think you could divorce but that year of grieving.
[This message edited by hikingout at 3:23 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]
