SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So over the last three years my opinion of my husband has dwindled. He is clearly upset but I struggle to see this in a positive light.

Historically, pre cheating, I saw the best in him. I (thought ) I knew his flaws and accepted them. Now I don’t see them the same way. I see the flaws as the reason he was able to cheat and I think they are unattractive traits. I see him as a bit dirty too. I always saw him as a very clean person. Now I don’t. Things that didn’t bother me now bother me.

He said he had an EA as he wasn’t happy. He thought I didn’t love him anymore (I’m the main earner and we had 4 small kids). He thought I was cheating - they often say that - judging me by his own poor standards! Now I think reality has hit him and he realises I no longer feel the same way about him. I don’t get angry anymore. I rarely cry about this anymore. Those thoughts ‘she doesn’t love me (because I was very busy) have turned into his reality. He’s had many revelations since, read stuff, talked more etc. but I doubt it’s enough. Trickle truth didn’t help him, with hindsight it verifies ‘pathetic’. Prepared to be sly in secret and sneak about but not face the music - yuk. How immature. Prepared to lie to save face - yuk.

He really broke my heart. I had a breakdown. I totally understand why people think suicide is a way out of the pain. I can’t see my life ever being the same. Its taken 2 plus years to get myself stable. I’ve built up friendships and interests etc. But I’m still not the old me. I despise what he has done. I can’t see why anyone would cause this much damage. It’s what a loser would do.

It’s still the first thing I think of when I wake.

I find myself snapping. Not giving him grace. He said something on Friday and historically I’d have given him grace but I didn’t and he cried and I felt very little. No sadness, not even anger or spite. I hugged him but it was me going through a motion.

I’m not so convinced that you can build something new. I really loved who I thought he was. I married him for love. I now think I could have got what I currently have (a disappointing marriage) but had someone with better traits.

I am very aware the things we tell ourselves can grow and grow. Maybe I need counselling again. But I didn’t wreck this. The counselling would be to either allow me to have grace (undeserved in my current frame of mind) or help me face the life I’d have if I left. Which isn’t the best thing for my children and they are my priority.

I’m struggling to explain to be honest. But I needed to let some of it out. I think the crux is anyone who is prepared to destroy my lovely children’s lives for smoke to be blown up their backside is a loser.

Self esteem wise - I am now more self confident (I was confident before), I stand by my principles and things I believe in. i know how important my word is and I hate liars. I was confident in some things before. But I thought I struggled with compassion and being caring (at least compared to my husband) now I am more caring to myself. I have poor traits but I apologise to my children for not being as patient as some people, but then I remind myself of my good bits and what those traits give my family.

My circle has expanded in a crazy way. He has become quieter and he no longer makes many decisions. Afraid to do something wrong? Afraid of what people think maybe?

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I’d prefer a marriage that is pleasant.

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom for you, just wanted to say I hear you, and it is as if you have described my EXACT sentiments. This is exactly how I feel about my WH at almost 2,5 years from DD. Every single thing you wrote resonates with me and it's a huge loss, for us as a couple but also for med personally, to have lost the way I saw and loved him. Since DD I have lost more and more of my respect for him as a person and I mostly just feel anger and resentment and disappointment in who he turned out to be. I once admired him so, so much as a person, man and father .

I have been hoping that getting back at least some of the way I used to see him will be possible with time, that he will be able to redeem himself in my eyes. But hope is dwindling by the months. I hope for us both it can be done.

I also think his choice to cheat - doesn’t show him as desirable or sexy - it just makes him cheap and nasty.

I genuinely admired his calm, positive, upbeat, patient nature. I saw myself as a worrier who got stressed and wasn’t as caring.

Now I see myself as realistic. I am very caring. I may not pussyfoot about, I’m honest and direct but if I care I’m very loyal. I helped an acquaintance through a 6 month period where her husband left. I barely knew her but I was there. I’d prefer to be me than someone who pretends to be a good person but is capable of shitting all over their family. I’m impatient but I get stuff done.

I have stopped worrying, it’s pretty much cured it to be honest. It’s certainly a positive outcome.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 11:54 AM, Tuesday, April 1st]

Both of you,

You might not have liked your husband when he was a child. He might have been a brat, or a bully.

But that doesn’t matter; he’s grown since then. He’s a different person now.

You might not have liked him in secondary school. He might have been a jerk.

But that doesn’t matter; he’s grown since then. He’s a different person now.

You don’t like who he has been more recently, or today.

But he can still grow; maybe become the person you want.

But if he senses where you are, and he will, he does, he might not try; he might give up.

If you are determined to stay married, and I applaud that, try to help him. Show him what can be, if he does the work.

People can change, if they’re motivated to do so. Encourage; don’t discourage.

It’s too soon for both of you to give up.

Grace is always unearned. Between people, it's given despite the fact that the intended receiver doesn't deserve it.

Check the thread in JFO called https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/. Your W affaired down with the ap. To R, you need to find peace even though the ap affaired down with your WS.

Follow your feelings. Notice how they flow. Don't avoid the painful ones. I know it's horrible to look at the person one has loved and feel disgust, but it's a phase for many of us; it was for me; but for me, disgust was a passing phase.

Give up trying to control the outcome. I believe feelings will eventually settle one way or another if one lets the feelings flow freely. You'll know what you want, and you'll make decisions about how much risk you want to take. You'll then choose between D, R, a marriage of convenience, etc., etc., etc.

My reco is to choose surviving and thriving as your goal. Heal. Let the stay/go decision grow out of your healing.

Thank you all. It is nice to know you are out there and kind enough to read and reply.

I’ll ponder and post more.

My feeling is that if after three years you still haven't got to where you feel you need to be then you aren't going to get there and that it's time to cut your losses and get out.

On many a given day, you could find me saying the exact same as OP, and it has been 23 L.O.N.G. years here of disappointment in marriage, as there has been no perceptible progress in the inconsiderate behaviors I have always recognized as part of the flawed personality that led to infidelity.

So, I think Attlas has a point, but I really appreciate the recommendation Sisoon gives. Best path forward is to work on healing ourselves and let the feelings develop.