SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone. Discovered my wifes affair January this year and have been through a few ups and downs since then. I moved out for a bit, considered us separated and slept with somebody else, we moved back in, went through marriage counselling, have both done (and continue to do) individual counselling. We have a child, are financially stable and outside of this don't really have any 'stressors' in our lives - we are pretty lucky.
I am done though. I feel like I want and need to be alone - I don't want to be married any longer, I don't want a relationship. I want to be on my own, do my own things but the reality of doing it is too big.
When I moved out for a while, I missed our little girl so much - I hated being away from her and it scares me to think I would be consciously choosing that path - especially then only seeing her 50% of the time. I rationalise it by saying well I will look forward to/enjoy seeing her when I see her which is a good thing and more than that - I think I will be happy when I see her rather than this intermediate, limbo state.
Also linked to this is the thought of another man eventually being in her life - that scares me and I don't like it.
I am also conflicted about whether I have given this enough time. There is a strong part of me - my heart and gut that knew the day I found out that I would never get over this but my head is logically telling me to wait and see and see if the feelings come back. I think that I am trying in that respect (well I know I am as much as I can) but there is also a part of me that just feels like I am faking it until I a can 'make it'. And whats left after that? me brainwashing myself into thinking I am happy when I am actually not.
I am not after a critique on why I think/feel these things - they are just part of me - what I am looking for is some help in getting over the hurdle to make the divorce a reality and to start moving on with my life.
I just cannot seem to make that step.
To add to the indecision....my wife has been transformed by the affair and revelations - at least in the last 3 months. Not long after and for a good 6 months she was still not really trying, but the last 3 months she has been incredible - which makes it harder to say 'sorry I still don't love you anymore in that way and I don't think that will come back and I want to move on'. I feel like such a horrible person that despite her being the one to trigger all of this its now MY decision as to whether we divorce and ultaimtely if I break up our family

You are not a horrible person. Her actions, her decisions, her choices, killed your love for her. Some people can love the WS again, some can't, that's just the way it goes.

I'm not surprised that your WW suddenly turned herself around 3 months ago, as I'm guessing that's when she sensed that you were emotionally disengaged from the marriage. During the first 6 months post infidelity, you were probably still invested in reconciliation, at least somewhat.

This is one of the tragic ironies of infidelity. A WS will spit on a BS that is desperate to save the marriage, but will move mountains for a BS that draws a hard line and refuses to live with the specter of infidelity.

Without knowing the specifics (one-night stand? serial cheater? long-term affair), it's hard to give you advice that's relevant to your situation, so I'll just speak generally. If you're really on the fence about getting divorced, then I would say, for the sake of your child, to give it 3 months to make a decision. Her life has been destabilized enough as it is, so I don't think it's fair to put her through another cycle of move-out/move-back-in again. During this time, I advise you to meet with a lawyer (if you haven't already) to find out what your financial outlook and custody situation would be likely to be after a divorce.

But if you already know in your gut that you want to divorce, and just need reassurance that you're doing the right thing, then I can tell you with confidence that I never regretted to decision to divorce, nor have I encountered anyone in real life or on this forum who regretted getting a divorce after infidelity. ZERO.

However, the number of people who regret wasting years of their lives with a cheating spouse-- even one who is remorseful and "reformed"-- is too many to count.

And no, you wouldn't be "breaking up your family." Every person who decides to cheat, even if they think the possibility of getting caught is remote, does so with the knowledge that discovery of their affair could result in divorce. If that possibility never crossed your WW's mind at any point before her affair or while it was underway, then she's either a complete idiot or total narcissist-- in which case, reconciliation would pretty much be impossible anyway.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:00 PM, Thursday, October 30th]

I never regretted to decision to divorce, nor have I encountered anyone in real life or on this forum who regretted getting a divorce after infidelity. ZERO.

However, the number of people who regret wasting years of their lives with a cheating spouse-- even one who is remorseful and "reformed"-- is too many to count.

I second this. I will qualify it with the statement that I tried like hell to reconcile. I believe Bluer did too. There is a quiet reassurance that comes with stepping into the void of divorce when you have explored every other path and they are all dead ends. But that doesn’t mean that you are obligated to do the same, it comes at a huge emotional cost to try that hard with an unremorseful wayward.

If you know you want a divorce but are struggling to execute it, I recommend taking small bites at the elephant to get started. Tell your best friend that you intend to divorce. Meet with a lawyer and begin to get a picture of it. Start to create new dreams of where you might live.

Regarding your daughter: my experience is that my relationship with my kids got much better after the divorce. I think it is because I’m a healthier person and I no longer had to stand behind their mother’s bullshit. It is an unfortunate reality that new men are likely to be introduced into her life, and that comes with risk. No easy answers there.

I spent a year in false R until I realized the A never ended. So I pulled the plug. With time, I realized that even if my WS had been the absolute poster child for remorseful WS, I was not one who could R. I would never be able to trust again. It’s just how i am wired plus my FOO.

In the end, you have to play the hand SHE dealt you. And if that is what you need for you, then that is what you need. It will not be you breaking the M up — it will be the consequences and results of HER actions. It is okay that you cannot or don’t want to R.

It’s tough, I know. But you have to be true to you. It will make you a better parent and a happier person in the long run.

And who knows what the future holds. Divorce takes months to complete in many areas, and the process can be stopped at any time. Three months is not a long time for her to be acting better, but if you see real sustained improvement, you can put the D on pause. Or date her after the D. Or keep going— you may have started healing by then and see a different future for you.

Read the pinned post in this forum - it may help you see how many of us couldn’t picture D and often really didn’t want it. But it is what we had to do. And we all came out the other side okay. Better than okay. We are thriving.

Hang in there, and good luck.