SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I've shared a few times my situation, my grievances, updated on the progress of our journey.

Uncertainty is still at the helm, anxiety, fear and insecurity are still very present.

The last time I posted, I talked about my insecurities, specially surrounding a close friend (who coincidentally came back into the picture as the marriage started to drift apart.

Now, through some crisis, and big arguments, some of which brought out some ugly discussions and truths, that, regardless of the emotional drain, needed to be said, I have come finally to fully embrace and accept. As I said before, I chose to believe my partner and fully trust her. She has given me no reason not to do so, ever. And has given me the grace to try and see if there is a possibility of reconciliation, even after all my shortcomings and failures.

But this is not the main issue here. Through all this process, I noticed my grief, my shame, my anxiety, my then jealousy, my fears and my pain, took the main stage. I was so caught in this that I forgot to give my wife the space she needs, she DESERVES, I OWE HER.

I have already taken full notice of this, I have brought it up, apologised for my egoistical stance in these last couple of months, and am already taking steps to rectify it.

Sure, I needed to work through some stuff, we both did, but I could have done so in the background, or at the very least, do so displacing her own needs much less.

I was being sincere, my feelings and struggles were and still are no less great. But I certainly gained clarity, specially after our last bump in this road towards (maybe) a possible reconciliation.

So I am here to remind you. It is ok to suffer, to have doubts, fears, pain, to be sincerely and painfully repenting, to buckle or even come close to breaking (and sometimes do so) under the weight of it all. But remember, your partner has carried a much heavier burden, and sometimes for longer, and has done so (maybe) much more stoically so.

My focus will still be greatly on my own work, as I MUST become a person I am proud of presenting myself us, for my family, for my wife...

But as of now I am also actively doing so in a way that it does not take attention from my partners' needs and healing journey. I am here to help her heal in whatever capacity I can. A large part of that healing is hers to take on, and the outcome, is also greatly dependant on what her heart tells her throughout her journey. But I won´t make it any harder than it needs to be.

I love my wife, and my family. I owe it to them, and I owe it to myself.

Keep growing, but remember it is not entirely about yourselves.

I hope this helps someone out there, who may be as clueless as I am.

Thank you for this space.

Matias

No stop sign, you raised a very interesting behavior:

But this is not the main issue here. Through all this process, I noticed my grief, my shame, my anxiety, my then jealousy, my fears and my pain, took the main stage. I was so caught in this that I forgot to give my wife the space she needs, she DESERVES, I OWE HER.

Come to think of it, after last DDay, she first crashed, was close to me, afraid that no matter how painful it appeared to her that "It does not touch me" (and it did not, to care about it I needed to see her show some real effort in changing).

So earlier she was focused on my feelings, scared because she cannot read my mind and I became a puzzle, this seem to be common for wayward spouses as far as I read.

But at some point everything shifted, while she is still looking for contact with me, it became everything about her, therapy, doubts, fears, feelings....

She is very self centered.

I was not really bothered because I thought while I still ponder if I will still find any will to stay with this woman or to leave her alone with her cheatings, it can only be good that she is focused on her healing and resolve her emotional issues.

But the point you raised is interesting: there is no space for me at all in all this. It's all about her.

Yes, she does talk extensively about her grief, shame (no guilt yet, no true remorse, shame and disgust for herself are the main dish), insecurities, her pain, her anxiety about what I could do, she is terribly jealous of any girl that just dares to look at me (she looks like hypervigilant, a familiar state to me in the past), and any time I go out for my business she is terrified I meet some girl and keep it hidden from her.

Telling her this was never how I worked, or felt in a relationship, serves little to no help.
And again is all self centered.

Best I get where she is remembering if something we hear or watch that she used to like has cheating or affairs in it, she reacts with "I do not want to watch this, I am afraid you will look bad at me", which it does not sound exactly as 'I am caring for your feelings' but more 'I am ashamed and afraid to be judged'.

I thought it was just her case, but here you describe it perfectly too. Is this a part of the healing process for a reforming wayward spouse? Does it pass / switch to another phase? Is it a positive or negative approach?

The OP seems to have noticed something is off, I am curious to know if it's a process that need to be encouraged to go on to the next phase of WS healing or it something that needs to be addressed in therapy?

You have way more experience in this matter, I can just bring a second hand testimony.
Thanks

BFTS - In my experience of life, people rarely change core personality traits. It's very hard to do, some of it might be things that are innate, people are born with them as part of personality, some of them are from family situations and behavior, others things from the broader society as we age. I tend to think if someone is selfish by nature, and this does come out as a highlight in adultery....that's what they're like. And they're probably not going to change. It's what they're like. By adulthood most people's personal qualities become innate and not very malleable. Maybe to some degree, but not essentially. Maybe a religious experience might change this but I think even the religious experience might be seen more from the vantage point of....how this affect ME. Unless someone can adopt a broader view of understanding - and caring - about how their actions affect us and acquire true empathy, being able to feel what others feel, the self centeredness continues. It's not about whether someone is hurt or angry, it's about how do those emotions affect ME and my situation, and can I somehow deflect or control them. I really don't think people change much, if at all. If they seem to....they seem to....it's on the surface. They learn better ways of manipulating and controlling people....and I'm not saying that this is all done consciously....they're methods people use to protect themselves and that's their primary focus. Protecting themselves and keeping what they have - and preventing others from finding out.

This is why I think it's so important to have EXTERNAL GUARD RAILS FOR BEHAVIOR, with things like the Bible, other religious or philosophical beliefs, societal customs, etc, help to create and enforce because many people DO NOT have these internally and without the external guard rails - Thou shalt nots - we would live in chaos. Which we kind of do now as we have been eroding these external guard rails since the '60s. That's where shame comes in so often - not that an individual feels shame because they have violated their own standards or that of their spouses....but that other people might find out and think less of them or treat them worse. It comes back to the self.

I would say if you're with a selfish or self centered person, I would either accept that as a trait and try to build external guard rails for behavior - "thou shalt not hang out with the opposite sex friends" etc....or just try to find someone who has the same nature and values as myself. It's always going to be a struggle being with someone who sees and processes the world very differently. You just don't come at it from the same perspective. Unfortunately the cheated upon are often desirable, sought after partners for marriage because we tend to have positive attributes like being honest, trustworthy, dependable, forgiving, etc, all of which are admirable and they can be used, lol, for one's advantage. We tend to overlooks this - most people who are cheated upon....actually WOULD NOT CHEAT themselves because....they can feel the consequences both emotionally and socially and it's a dishonorable thing to do. The values and perspective are inherently different.

BFTS

Thanks for sharing your story and experience. And I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

I can honestly only talk about my personal experience. In my case, I have expressed my guilt, my shame and accountability extensively. I have also started working individually in therapy (actually addressing core issues, developing strategies, etc) we have been working on couples therapy, and I have tried my best to be supportive and understanding of my wife.

But at one point anxiety,, pried with grief, fear and uncertainty, together with some personal traits of mine became too heavy of a burden. My wife, in her own way, trying to protect her few outlets and friendships had some attitudes that, specially to a fearful partner could seem suspicious (it was nothing really, just a person protecting her privacy and also feeling she owed no explanations and wanted to compartimentalize friendship as an escape valve, devoid of all the heaviness that her emotions were dealing with at home)

I owned and acknowledged very such episode and have been acting accordingly and stepping aside and working on myself, to avoid suffocating her in her healing process and also become a more reliable and trustworthy person. Someone she could ever consider to trust again (in case she chooses to)

At one point, not long ago I realized that in all this process the focus had shifted more towards controlling or regulating my emotions… and I simply said to myself, enough. I am now actively and consciously removing my burden from the equation as much as I am able to. I am trying to give her space to breathe, to talk, to share, to retreat.

It can feel counter intuitive, because I want her to know I care (deeply, although my past actions may have said otherwise) and love her. And for a very expressive person as myself, doing so from a position of passive presence it can feel challenging.

But I have made my mind to remain in this position. To read her cues and let her take initiative, to be there for any difficult conversation, to remove stress for her to have spaces to rest.

All the while working continuously on my own.

O wasn’t trying to be performative in my grief, I was genuinely spiraling and having a difficult time "keeping myself together" and while I made progress in that regard I also forced myself into my current attitude.

Every person has their own pace.

I cannot speak about your wife’s path or her personality. You know her. Just know something. You have the right to ask difficult questions, to sit with you me feeling and to demand distance if that is what you need.

If she truly wants to work towards reconciliation, she will understand. Jealousy and fixating on someone else as a threat is just her nervous system scanning for that, threats. And her psyche seeking for resolution, even a tragic one in which you leave her for someone else (even if this is a narrative that only exists in her brain). Because sometimes the mind prefers even a bad outcome rather than uncertainty…

You don’t owe her the promise of reconciliation, more so given the fact you are still trying to figure that put yourself.

It is HARD not to know, I can attest to it. It is HARD feeling you risked ruining something beautiful, loosing the person you loved for a mistake you carry the blame of…

But it is harder to have the rug pulled from under you, and having your trust broken by someone you thought you could trust deeply.

I wish you clarity, both of you. And may tomorrow feel nicer than today.

But I have made my mind to remain in this position. To read her cues and let her take initiative, to be there for any difficult conversation, to remove stress for her to have spaces to rest.

From a Betrayed partner perspective, a suggestion, even if I get what you mean and is good intuition.

The suggestion is this: the BS usually would like that sometimes you bring up the betrayal to show that you do care for the wounds you inflicted. It may seems counter intuitive, but think of it as the BS suffers a lot, often not wanting to talk because it could be the only topic coming out, so they stay quiet and observe. Usually the BS expects the WS will not bring up the betrayal because they "suspect" the WS only truly cares to have it forgotten and move on, but the pain is never forgotten.

So when you read your partner clues, if you, sometimes, bring it up and talk about your regret and feelings, your wife may appreciate it, even if in the moment wakes up the pain, she will begin feeling that you too care, is not only her alone in that pit.

I think other BS can attest that this is often an unspoken need.

If she truly wants to work towards reconciliation, she will understand. Jealousy and fixating on someone else as a threat is just her nervous system scanning for that, threats. And her psyche seeking for resolution, even a tragic one in which you leave her for someone else (even if this is a narrative that only exists in her brain). Because sometimes the mind prefers even a bad outcome rather than uncertainty…

Our story is a bit different as she left me 17 (almost 18 years ago this March) for the OM, then about 2-3 months later she came back to me. We had a long distance relationship (different countries) she was betraying me since January until the breakup, I felt it the very first night and she gaslit and denied until after the first (fake) R.

Contrary to my very core principles I took her back, my trauma was deep enough to throw me in PTSD for 17 years and ambivalent connection to her, in full cognitive dissonance and denial.

I did not heal because I tackled the problem, I healed because I broke too much to sustain life, so I reached peace and acceptance.

The problem is, Love was killed forever when she cheated, I accepted it now, so I am currently 'here in presence' for our daughter, but I am not in love with her anymore. She feels it and she is terrified, she hopes and tries everything to ensure herself I still feel at least something, and I do, but is not what she would like it was.

She killed that part of me, I see her as she belongs to the OM and is almost a stranger to me.

I wish you clarity, both of you. And may tomorrow feel nicer than today.

Thank you, I have my clarity already, I am giving her one last chance to see if is possible that she completely becomes a different person, someone who could rebuild from zero. I have no clue if it is possible or not, I do not truly care, I go with the flow, it will be fine.

Seeing your progress gives me the impression you are radically demolishing your old self and rebuilding one anew. Same I read from hikingout.
It's a tiny encouragement that perhaps it is possible for a WS to radically change.

My state is probably the worst possible a BS can become for a WS, acceptance / indifference / peace. In short I don't care.
Good thing for me, I left the trauma behind (with the entirety of my old identity, casualty of this betrayal).

Bad thing, I kind of mourn my old self sometimes and I remember how much I wanted to build a life with this girl who I married (still under trauma and conflict).

I wonder if that feeling will ever came back, or I just should move on, rebuilding a family with a young girl who can give me the children she and the OM denied in my life.