SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

So, I'm getting out of my 22 year relationship. No need to rehash that, it's done and that's that.

But I'm really struggling with rediscovering who I am and all that. For so long, my identity was "Family Man", the rock of the family and the one that was running the show at home. And when I'm with my kids, I still get to do parts of that.

But now, when I'm on my own, I'm just sort of lost. I've got a few things to keep me going. Mostly fitness stuff - CrossFit, biking, running, etc. I like that. Watching the Dad Bod melt away has been very nice.

But outside of that, I'm struggling. I've got that empty part of me that I'm not sure how to fill or move forward. I suspect it is largely a time thing, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for suggestions or advice for folks that have been in this spot. I'm about 47 days past D-Day now, and I've been through the GD ringer, but I'm hoping I can put this empty feeling aside.

Been there, man. It's tough at first. I'd say from the looks of it you're off to a great start.

The quarantine helps none of this, of course.

One thing I will say, though: when the time comes, none of your identity needs to or should go away. You can enhance it, but you're still a "family man" through and through, and you should embrace that.

Even when your kids are gone, they can and should be at the forefront of your mind when they can be. You can fold their clothes, clean their sheets, buy their favorite groceries, facetime with them, etc.

And, when the time comes, *never* underestimate how attractive a strong, attentive single father is out there in the dating universe. Supremely attractive. Dad bod and all.

Fitness endeavors are an amazing way to keep going and feel good about yourself. Something to consider: set a goal for yourself, like a Spartan race, a 10k, etc...something you can work toward. I know that sort of thing helped me in my recovery process.

Other bits of self-improvement are also helpful. New clothes that make you feel great, ditching clothes that don't. Maybe getting a new scent. Shaving/growing a beard. Etc. Seriously, make sure you always smell good; it just makes you feel more confident. Use really good laundry detergent and soap, etc.

Picking up a hobby, old or new, can be helpful. Even getting some lumber and building a shitty bookshelf in your driveway can be helpful.

Connecting with friends, new or old, is also a good move.

These are all things that helped me cope, heal, and move forward in a positive direction.

47 days is still pretty early. You will definitely get there!

[This message edited by Okokok at 6:29 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]

Okokok nailed it.

You are still who you are. Divorce doesn't take that away. You just get to be single & fabulous now!! Getting fit is a huge step in the right direction, great for your physical and mental health, and the single ladies will appreciate it . When you are ready for that of course. No rush there. You must focus on yourself first.

Not sure how demanding your job situation is, but perhaps volunteering during your free time when your kids are not with you would be helpful. It will give you another sense of purpose, and the opportunity to meet new people. Little things also, like chatting up the cashier at the supermarket helped me feel normal and more connected to people.

This nuclear bomb in your life is still so fresh. It will absolutely take time. But you're doing everything right, and you will get there. One day at a time.

It takes time. The good news is that you can only go up. Join some meetup groups that share the same interests. Start pursuing hobbies you never had time for in the past. Get involved in community projects. Habitat for Humanity is a good one. Obviously, it's a little more challenging until the country is safe again to socialize in, but there's always fishing, hiking, and bike riding.

One day, I'll have time again to relearn fishing and camping. You can always teach yourself to sew and make masks and donate to organizations that need them.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:51 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

I agree with what Whothebleep said:

but perhaps volunteering during your free time when your kids are not with you would be helpful

Few things take away your troubles, if only temporarily, like helping someone in need.

Besides I met some wonderful people while volunteering who are still great friends.

We were together for 40 years. I was wife and mother, I didnt have an identity other than those two things, I didnt know who "I" was.

He broke me with his actions and choices, but I am putting myself back together into someone he lost the privilege of knowing. I finished nursing school, was supposed to graduate today.

You can find out who you are too, you can fill that empty spot. What have you always wanted to do? Do it.

And, when the time comes, *never* underestimate how attractive a strong, attentive single father is out there in the dating universe. Supremely attractive. Dad bod and all.

This man speaks truth. Am lady. Can confirm.

And, when the time comes, *never* underestimate how attractive a strong, attentive single father is out there in the dating universe. Supremely attractive. Dad bod a

nd all.

MNDad, I will 3rd this. I am also a single dad, with 2 kids. That first part of being single when all your friends are married and you're friends with your kids friends and everyone seems to be coupled up makes it tough, but it just takes time.

Once I did start OLD, there really was no shortage of interest from the other sex. I was worried about being a single dad, but there's going to be the ladies that want nothing to do with kids, and you want to steer clear of them anyway. But there will also be the ladies that are open to it. There are plenty of them, but first thing first, have some fun and just start doing things you enjoy.

I had to reinvent myself. I had given away my identity so thoroughly that I was "Father/Husband/Employee" and person who used to have hobbies and interests, and that's all.

My counselor made me go back to ground zero and identify my core values, and rebuild on top of that. There was still a foundation there, but I had been too busy to examine my life.

In the world of martial arts there is the idea that you can't focus in one area alone. We are all complex combinations of mind-body-spirit and need to nurture all of those.

47 days is so early. You have a long path ahead of you, and it sounds like you're managing a lot better already than many have.

I am me still. I plan to reclaim my Pre-married name.

I am no longer MRS Or someone’s wife.

I am still someone’s mum and always will be...

STBX WH never knew me and will never know me now... so I am reclaiming myself.

You’ve heard that saying, you won’t know yourself... you are becoming the real you once again...

Hello everyone, thank you for the kind words and advice. It's been greatly appreciated.

Since I last wrote this message, I've cut off all communications with my ex except for selling the house or kids stuff. I found that I kept reaching out to her, and kept getting hurt and the only way to heal was to knock that stuff off.

In terms of me, I'm still working out a ton. Lot of CrossFit and I even signed up for a 10k in the fall. I've never done anything like that, and I've always wanted to. No time like the present.

For now, I'm staying with my mom and then moving into my own place on July 1. First time living alone, and I was scared of that idea once. But now, I'm looking forward to it to a degree. Just finding out who I am when I am on my own. That'll be something I've never done before.

I'm also still in therapy, working hard to better myself and sort out my baggage that has accumulated so I can become a better person and a better father.

It's still a struggle at times. But whenever I get that urge to reach out to her, I just think of the infidelity and how little she valued me. And that puts out that desire.

Man, it really sounds like you are handling this the right way. only a few months out from Dday, most of us were on a roller coaster from hell. If you are already cutting off talking to her and focusing on yourself with fitness, there really isnt much advice I can give you. I wish I had started moving on at a few months out. instead I waited 4 years before pulling the plug.

Look up old friends and reconnect to close friends you once had. Im sure some crossfit people hang out together at times, join them.

Having a few really good friends who would let me vent all my drama to really helped me.

Maybe this is moving faster because I knew it was over long before she dropped the bomb on me, I don't know. Maybe I'm just fooling myself too. I still have those bad days.

But I just know that I can't keep reaching out, putitng myself out there for someone who gives their affections to someone else for free. And that in the end, she didn't value me. And I can't keep crawling back to it. It just does me no good. I'm betting on myself in a way. I can do better.

That being said, this stuff is hard as heck and I still have days where I want to reach out to her. But I know I can't. I just can't anymore.

I understand what you mean by having lost your identity. I am also struggling with how to see myself. I spent so many years emptying myself that I didn't know who I was after Dday#1 and even more so after Dday#2. I also fully understand why suicide among divorced men is so high. I almost took my own life and then spent over a year angry that I hadn't. Im okayish now. Wouldnt be devastated if I got run over by a truck though. I was once interesting, but had become a tool kept in a drawer and only pulled out when needed. That left me like a blank sheet of paper after I separated.

It has gotten more challenging with the covid crisis. I never realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in work. So here is what I am doing. Got interrupted by the crisis, but some still works.

I walk. I mean long friggin walks of between 10 and 20 km. I think while I walk. I try to be present and appreciate things I normally took for granted. I stop and look at things. I mean really look.

I bought a micro folding camp chair that fits on my bike or in a small pack. I go to the beach or park with headphones and a beer and just sit. After all I have been through, peace is euphoric.

I have a pack hammock and have mapped out all the best trees in all the best parks.

I take dance lessons. Two step, west coast swing, and salsa.

I am planning to learn to play the banjo.

I am planning a solo cycling trip in July along a rail trail that passes some great fishing spots.

I got my fishing license again and will fly fish and solo camp this summer. Set up my car for hatchback camping.

I have reconnected with friends again.

Oh, and the best one is that I got friends at work to fill up a jar with things I must do. I pull one and then do it. As long as it's legal, I'm in. I'll consider misdemeanors...

All of this is to push me off the couch and away from feeling shitty about my life. I am trying to accept the reality that my old life is gone and now I am alone. But being alone is not a death sentence. I have goals and interests, and a determination to move forward. The selfish witch may have cheated on me, but she DOES NOT get to cheat me out of living.

I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes the loneliness is agony and I do have a tendany to retreat to my couch with the scotch. But I give myself grace and try again. You can and will do this. Don't think of yourself as a victim. Maybe a survivor who is becoming a thriver. You got this.

Justsomeguy, your entire post needs to be pinned to the top and added to the healing library. Just beautiful. Thank you!

I'm going through this too. I work out and run every day, work on my business, and help my youngest daughter with homework... and that's about it.

My work IS my hobby. I was working out at my boxing club 3 nights a week and had jus started Brazilian Jujitsu when Covid erupted, and my classes have not yet resumed.

But I totally get how you feel man. I feel lost myself, like some guy wandering a street that he has never been on, looking for a house he never lived in.

That being said, this stuff is hard as heck and I still have days where I want to reach out to her. But I know I can't. I just can't anymore.

I know this. My STBXWW was actually a good partner when she wasn't out being a tramp. But I always enjoyed talking to her. We had an easy banter that I miss greatly.

But I just know that I can't keep reaching out, putitng myself out there for someone who gives their affections to someone else for free. And that in the end, she didn't value me. And I can't keep crawling back to it. It just does me no good. I'm betting on myself in a way. I can do better.

That being said, this stuff is hard as heck and I still have days where I want to reach out to her. But I know I can't. I just can't anymore.

This. So. Much. This. I came to the same realization just yesterday. It’s really hard. Really really hard. And we weren’t married, didn’t have kids (he has kids from previous marriage) or share any assets. I want to reach out to him ALL THE TIME. But I’ve been doing that and what has it got me? Stuck in limbo. He would never pull the plug. He was getting to talk to me (occasionally seeing each other, having sex), telling me he is completely lost, doesn’t know why he’s acting this way, knows he loves me and that our life together was wonderful, but that his gut was pulling him to her. So I was still allowing him to have my love and attention while he was getting his comfort & thrills from his EA AP. But clearly that hasn’t been working or helping me heal so now no contact is my only option. He will not have me any more.

Your words and approach have given me hope, they really have. Good luck on your journey.

This can be a beautiful time. You get to re-create yourself. We're so young when we start out that we barely know ourselves. To get to start over as wiser people can be a real gift. For me, I decided to just embrace who I am without compromise. The walls are painted the colors I want. The decor is what I choose. The landscaping is what I like. Step 1 was making my surroundings reflect me with no cares as to whether or not it's fashionable or tacky. Step 2 has been doing what I want to with my time. Animal rescue is my personal thing, so I got pretty heavily into working with that. I got a bit interrupted with COVID on a career switch, but that is still in my plans. Accept that some things don't work for you and some things do. Embrace whatever it is that gives you joy or speaks to you on a deeper level. Don't worry about what you are or aren't supposed to be interested in. Just be authentic for your own sake.

And yes, loads of women will find you extremely attractive. But that's down the road, not for worrying about today. First steps are you taking care of you.

I can relate to the lost identity aspect of your life, my relationship was off and on for over 15 years and it finally ended 10 weeks ago, ish. Im still adjusting and have started therapy as there was abuse there which i kept denying to myself so a lot of work to be done on me!

Lockdown doesn't help of course but im trying to reconnect with people, keep busy if i can (3 new chickens keep me busy) and de-cluttering, ridding myself of all reminders - even the plants have gone!

I admire your resolution that your relationship is completely over - it takes a while but i know i will get to where i need to be, taking some time to improve my mental and physical health and looks like you are investing in yourself too!