SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I know that years ago I posted here. I’ll give you the short story. I was married for almost 20 years to my HS boyfriend. We had a wonderful life 2 beautiful kids etc. I found out he was cheating on me with by best friend. Horrible situation. I never ever wanted my children who were teens at the time to find out but bc of the OW my husband had no choice but to fess up. Her kids and my kids were friends and OW was backing him in a corner. I guess he never expected for this to end up this way. Things got out of hand and my son was very upset and hurt and got into a fight with my husband and didn't want to speak to him. My husband asked for my forgiveness and he also asked our daughter for forgiveness for whatever reason he was in a dark place. I gave him forgiveness and he left on a business trip and we made plans to take the kids away the following weekend to start repairing our family. He even called my therapist without my knowledge and asked him what he could do to fix his family. Unfortunately he died on that business trip. My son wasn’t speaking to him This was 15 years ago. We have healed moved on, my children are grown I’m a grandmother now. I have been in a relationship for 9 years now with a man who is also widowed. He doesn’t know this part of my story bc I chose to forgive my husband and I didn’t think it was necessary for him to know. Up until 2 weeks prior to his death my children didn’t even know and have nothing but wonderful memories of him and our family. He was a good man who I believe lost his way for a time not making excuses for him. The OW did manipulate and plot it’s all so clear in hindsight I just didn’t see it at the time. It’s almost like a cliche Lifetime movie. Anyway, it’s been 15 years. It never leaves me. I’m still so sad and angry for what he did and angry that he and my son never got to reconcile. No one would know I keep this buried inside me. He was my person we grew up together we were supposed to grow old together but he cheated on me then had the nerve to die and just leave me with all of this pain that I have no where to put. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but thank you for listening.

I'm so very sorry for you. The cheating itself is so devastating, but to lose him before you knew what might have happened is truly so sad. I'd say this is definitely a good place to share your story and get some good advice. I am very impressed by your ability to keep this all to yourself for so long. I didn't even keep my XH's affair to myself for an hour. Thinking of you and so glad that you have someone that supports you. I hope he'd be a great listener if you told him.

HI Boohoo. That’s a sad story, and a long time to be holding that inside you.

First. Your husband knew and that’s most important. Have you talked to your son?

I think you need to have a conversation with your son. What if he is also struggling? Do you know that he also healed? Open that door. Make sure he knows. And then it is up to him from there— he’s an adult now.

And for you. Please see a therapist. This is a long time. IC can help you gently let the past reside there and let you go on with your future.

(((Hugs)))

I agree with the idea that therapy would every beneficial.

Thank you everyone. I should have added more details, I was trying to keep it short. I did go to therapy I knew about the affair before my children so I started therapy then when they found out and he died 2 weeks later I took them to therapy also. We have all come a long way. My son is happily married with 2 beautiful children and I’m so proud of him. He knows how much his father loved him and I know it’s so painful that he wasn’t speaking to him at the time of his death., but he’s doing so well and always speaks about his father with such pride. He even named his son after him. It’s like we kind of put that horrible time in our lives in a little box bc it was so out of character for him it really was. But still think about it all the time even all these years later. It’s like I can’t just forget about it and let it go. I have my other best friend from childhood that I’m able to talk to about this bc she knows every thing and lived this with me and even warned me about my other friend who betrayed me way before this happened., she never trusted her. I guess I’m just so mad I didn’t see it coming when I should have and I’m so mad at him but he’s already paid the ultimate price he’s not here anymore with his family and he can’t enjoy our children and grandchildren. Ughh it’s just so many emotions. Again thank you so much for understanding. God Bless all of you.

One of the reasons you might be having a difficult time of letting go is because you were never given the option of letting go. That option was taken from you.

It could be that you struggle with being in control and you dont like feeling helpless. And the scenario you shared was just that. You were helpless to control any aspect of that. If this rings a bell then it would require digging into your past and your relationship with your parents.

If you dont mind me asking, what did your therapist do to try and help you?

You seem more angry he died suddenly. Is this something you feel was a consequence of some sort?

It appears that he was trying to make amends. He appears to have deep regret. Is that enough to support you? Meaning can that overshadow his affair and poor choices?

Again thank you so much for all of the input. Well I had a wonderful therapist and I went through all of the stages of grief with him and got stuck in some of the phases which is normal. I was always saying what if. What if he had made it back home that weekend what if we went away with the kids ...I couldn’t get out of that and he would always pull me back and and tell me that didn't happen he died so we don’t have any way of knowing what would have happened. And yes I did and still do feel helpless and angry about what happened. But there were signs with her way before the affair and I ignored them bc she was my friend and never imagined this would happen bc this was done to her also. I did move on like I said it took me a while but 6 years later I met a man who was widowed around the same time I was and we have been together for 9 years now. We moved in together almost 2 years ago so we really took our time getting to know each other and now our children are all grown adults. My mother moved in with me 5 years ago after my father passed so he has been such a help for me also with her. Things are good. I just keep getting that stupid aching feeling about what happened. It also doesn’t help that the OW suffered zero consequences for what she did. She is happily living her life with no worries at all after she tried to destroy my family. And I’m so resentful also because she was my best friend. I even sat with her at her divorce hearing (way before this happened ) and held her hand and took care of her. It’s just a lot of yucky emotions that just keep coming up. Perhaps this is just something that won’t ever totally go away. I’m thankful I have this place to come to and vent with others who understand. Thank you again so much.

I am going to go out on a limb and ask you if you ever really forgave him? I dont mean to be trite, but often, especially religious communities push forgiving on the the betrayed, as a sort of requirement for true piety. The problem is, that it becomes a cheaply purchased forgiveness.

Before I was a BS, I was an abused child and I was never able to really forgive my mother for it. She was never sorry and then died alone I her home a bitter woman. I tried my whole life to have a relationship with her, but I was never given that. So how I carry that unresolved guilt and anger in me. I use dark humour to mask it. Just the other day, I bought a silicon mixing spoon for my kitchen to replace the wooden one. My daughter is celiac. Anyhow, I joked that my mom would have loved to hit me in the face with it because it wouldnt break. Not funny, I know.

So when I was betrayed, I asked myself what forgiveness looked like. I hout a book on it and it was interesting. It's not a binary choice I learned. Anyway, my point. There was a chapter on forgiving the dead. It was enlightening. You may want to explore this. I think my feeling would be that I was cheated out of watching the person that hurt me, suffer. Not classy, but honest. I mean, I'm suffering every day, why do they get a free pass? I'm not saying I'm healthy, just not lying to myself. You might be better off than me. Probably are I think. It's okay to feel these things. Unpack the one by one and really embrace them. Then put them away and go onto the next one. Like a bison, we need to turn into the storm to get through it.