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I'm recently out of a 2-year relationship and dipping my toe into dating even though covid is making it difficult. I'm 50 and I prefer to date a few years older or younger. I don't like big age differences one way or the other. What I'm running up against is that men who are 48 or 49 tend to have such young children.

I had mine at 29 and 31 and I'm finally empty nesting. I put everything into raising them and now I want to enjoy the freedom that I have. These guys who have kids about 10 years old are having a kid at home every other week for about 8 more years. They always tell me that they are free to date every other week. But I'm not sure if I want to date someone that only can see me every other week.

Sometimes I think I should loosen up on this simply because the pool of men to choose from starts shrinking. I'm just curious as to how other people feel about this.

Also, to add, I have two good friends who married men with younger children but both of them had no children of their own. They don't seem to mind it nearly as much as I would. I guess because they're not worn out on it.

I prefer not dating men with young children. I'm 53 and had my son when I was 29. My son is grown now, so I'm not interested in starting over with young ones.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:46 AM, June 8th (Monday)]

It is all up to your preference.

Raising kids is tough work and I can't imagine coming into it part way through and trying to catch up and establishing myself as a parental figure in some way.

I'm 52. I have an SO but if I ever end up dating again, I wouldn't date someone with young kids (or maybe even underage kids). My youngest is almost 18 and once I finally manage to get everyone the heck out of my house (I still have 3 at home), I will happily party in an empty nest. I've been parenting for almost 30 years. I'm done. Plus, I've never lived alone and I want to (SO knows this and fully supports it).

I don't see anything wrong with this. It's just being in different stages of life. I don't see it as something that's easily compromised on - you either want to or you don't. And it's totally okay if you don't.

I prefer not dating men with young children. I'm 53 and had my son when I was 29. My son is grown now, so I'm not interested in starting over with young ones.

Ditto. Not interested in dealing with minors again. I've done it already. It is one of my personal requirements that I won't budge on, just as other folks have their own requirements.

Totally a personal call.

I just turned 60 and have DS17, DD14, and DD11 @ 50/50 joint custody. I’m looking for a woman between 54 and 61. Quite a few women have told me that they have recently become empty nesters and don’t want to date a man with kids at home. Initially, this happened during first face-to-face meeting, after putting some time into the initial texts and calls. Now, I bring this up initially during the first call, and ask them upfront if it’s a deal breaker for them. I also point out that I’m not looking for a mother for my kids; they already have one.

From my conversations with women on OLD, everyone has deal breakers, such as education level, previously married as opposed to never married, and has kids as opposed to no kids, and that’s ok as long as you’re upfront about it. Also, apparently there’s a difference in opinion among women about which is better divorced or widower, in a man.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 8:51 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

I don’t have children. I’m 55. I really am not interested in someone with children in their home full time or 50/50.

The first wine date I had shortly after signing up, said 3 teens 50/50. I opted to go, within 15 minutes found out it was full time. His ex moved to Paris, FR! Dealbreaker. One, his profile was not accurate and of course the 100%.

Another told me just in the message phase that his two sons live with him full time, ages 26 and 28! WTH?? No thanks, those are roommates.

Late teens I’m ok with....and plans for college away from home?!?! J/K...kinda.

I may reconsider someone that is widowed for full time, but not on the age. Some men do not want to date women that do NOT have children close in age to his. I imagine they have experienced difficulties with someone that could not compromise on his parenting time.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:11 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

It is very healthy to know what you do (and don't want) in a dating partner. If not....well, you end up with all sorts of scenarios.

This should be an early conversation. No sense in wasting anyone's time either way.

So focus on what you are interested in. If someone comes along that changes your mind, so be it.

One thing I have learned though is sometimes life has other plans. You might be served up a wonderful partner with a younger family and BAM...there you are.

Been there, done that. Not for me. I don't have kids but when I was in my 30's it wasn't unusual for me to date someone who had their kids every other weekend and dinners on Wednesday. That was fine for me. But now that I am in my late 40's? No.

I like to travel and I would like to travel with a man who isn't concerned with leaving the country when he has small kids. Or wanting to take the kids and resenting me when I want an adult-only trip.

And OK, I'm going to say it - I had my fair share of other parent drama (custody fights, jealousy, spitefulness) and I'm just too old for that mess.

Yeah, I get it. I have young kids and wonder how I'd handle someone else's. It's why I'm not expecting to date for a long time. I can't imagine making that all work. It does make me sad to read all of the responses because I did hope I'd meet someone at some point, but I understand it for sure.

Definitely your choice. A bigger factor for me would be what role these men would expect me to play. Are these men looking for a mother figure? Do they expect you to move in and live in their household eventually? For an empty nester who loves their newfound freedom, that could be a deal-breaker.

If you are an empty nester who doesn't desire to spend every single day with your significant other, it could work. When he is with his kids, you are catching up with your friends and doing solo activities...still freedom!! When he is not with his kids, you have male companionship. Balance is good. I am the type that has no desire to spend all of my free time with an SO. I value my alone time and my close relationships with my friends.

What do you want? Ask yourself that first, then decide what kind of man could fit there.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:47 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

If you are an empty nester who doesn't desire to spend every single day with your significant other, it could work. When he is with his kids, you are catching up with your friends and doing solo activities...still freedom!! When he is not with his kids, you have male companionship. Balance is good. I am the type that has no desire to spend all of my free time with an SO. I value my alone time and my close relationships with my friends.

Whothebleep, such a good point. I'm like you and love my solo time and time with my friends so much. I have a super full life on my own. The last guy I dated I lived with and he never did anything with anyone but me. It drove me nuts and was one of the reasons for splitting.

I'm not sure how long I'd want every other week with a guy. I'm 50 and thinking that in a few years it would get old, the working around that. So I was thinking that high school and older could work. 4 years of every other week and then him empty nesting too. Thing is, I messaged last week with a guy my age that has a 6yo! For that one there was no way.

Ksy, well into a bottle of wine here, forgive me...

I'm 53 with two daughters, 15 and 17. And don't think for a minute, I need help from anyone in raising them. The assumption that a man cannot raise his own children is insulting. I don't need bailing out. I want is a partner to share my life with. Yes, there are some difficulties in terms of logistics, but I guarantee you that you come with baggage as well. It's just that we've become so accustomed to carrying our own baggage, we hardly notice it. I think that the reason do many second and third relationships fail us that we overestimate our own dating equity while dismissing the value of a potential partner. The flexibility in us is gone. Potential partners are not colouring books we get to fill with our favourite colours. Yup, sooo drunk. Sorry.

Demolished,

I have 3 kids. I see many people move on and find a SO that loves their kids. I think it is funny as I get hit on often and that questions comes up pretty quickly by the men who are looking for more than a one night thing (that I am not interested in anyway). I get two very different reactions.

The ones that make me laugh inside are the ones that are like...woah. You don't look like you have 3 kids. How old are they? Oh, that last one is still really young. That is quite a few kids. Ok. Are you sure? I mean, I would not have thought so. Ok. How old is the oldest again? I really don't do kids. I only had one and am glad they are grown and gone. Teenage years are horrible.

The other reactions are equally awesome. I have kids too. Our son's are close in age and maybe they could be friends. What sports do your kids play and so on. Or, my kids are grown and I miss having kids around. I totally know what it is like to have kids. I wanted to have more and wish I still had some in the house.

I had a fear for quite some time that no one would want US. You just see so many blended families that is not true at all. I have had several men inquire that know this about me.

I think the key is to know who you are and want you want and be true to that. DO NOT date someone with kids when you do not want kids. I would NEVER want someone to date me if they did not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to. Just be honest about it. I think the worst thing to do is date someone with kids when you already know there is no future and that is a deal breaker. I think this thread is great.

I would not want to date someone who did not want kids. So how is that different really? It just is not a match.

I did know someone that dated a man even though he had kids and did not tell him she would never want to know his kids. She had no desire to ever meet them. It was fine as long as it was not his weekend. She pretended they did not exist. I did not agree with this as I knew she would never want those kids in her life. They do exist and of course that did not work out. I did not think she was wrong to know that she did not want that because she was a recent empty nester in her life, but wrong to hide it.

As a woman with kids I would rather know right away that a man would not be into that. No harm. No foul. I would not take it personally.

JIMA, that’s great to hear. I definitely am moving very slow so it helps that someone may be willing to take this wild journey with me. I think that’s what we all wanted when we got married, right?!

Nothing at all wrong with how you feel and knowing what you want. I raised two, I'm done. They were mybstepchildren, but their mother was completely out of the picture. I love them like my own and I raised them. I didn't get breaks or holidays off. They became my life. But now they're grown and raising kids is exhausting under the best of conditions. I have no intention of raising anymore kids. I also don't want drama from an ex coming up, and with little ones, we all know it can happen with the other parent. Resentment, jealousy, etc. I have no time for that.

On the flip side, parents with little children really need to focus on their kids until they're ready to fly the coop. I wouldn't want to distract. Those kids need their attention. If for some reason my husband had passed, there's no way I would have had time to date until the boys were out of the house. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I took on that responsibility by choice when i married their father knowing there was no mother in the picture.

Of course you can decide what you feel works best for you, but....as Justsomeguy mentions....you just might miss out on someone good.

My experience.....I stay away from "never had kids and don't want them", cuz...well....kinda obvious (self absorbed). I also kinda stay away from recent empty nesters.....cuz they too, being recently paroled from parenting (even though that is never really the case), have a similar bend. When things settle out a little....I'd reconsider for sure, but not recents.

I certainly want to couple. Its my nature. I don't "need" it from any standpoint (mother to my kids point of view, financial at all, etc.). I like the companionship and the benefits and the adventures ahead and I hope my partner to be shares that...and that I will be a parent, too.

Happy trails!