SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not sure where this post goes, because I am not sure what category it belongs in. Honestly, I am not sure even if I belong here, but just reaching out.

In brief, I am still dealing with the aftermath of infidelity many years later. My ex cheated on me (without me knowing) before we even got married. The 1st reveal of an A was over 16 yrs ago. 10 years of attempted reconciliation and another A, we got a D.

It has been 6.5 years and I had one relationship in that time that she ended. It probably caused more damage to myself (thankfully she was not a WS, just not compatible).

Attempts to date have been awful, mostly non existent. I meet no women and OLD is just a sea of rejection. My qualities are solid, and I have been told that I would be a good catch.

Earlier this year, my counselor of 15 years said she was downsizing and cut me without any reason but kept other patients. She never recommended another counselor, just good bye. She asked me to stay in touch and I have messaged a few times (very brief, no personal info) and received no acknowledgment. So I was seeing a counselor for rejection and betrayal, and ... I get rejected and left out. smh

I have tried over the years to just accept being alone and live out my life. I can never seem to fully do that. There always feels like my life should be a shared journey. It is like I wish I had the secret to conceding to being single.

I am here because other than my counselor, even those close to me do not know what I am feeling.

I function well and work a lot.

The counselor situation is still raw to me, and I do not feel ready to start again with someone else. I do not know if I ever will. The question is, should I work towards that one day? Counseling was positive for many years and if it were my choice I would still be seeing her.

Also, how do I deal with my current status? Two things to note; I have put a huge amount of time and energy since the D into trying to find someone. It not from lack of effort.

In addition, the past few years I have traveled more than most people. Concerts, events, I have tried to be active... but all have been alone. Many women would love to have the journeys I have taken, just not with me. In less than 10 years I hope to retire to a great life, but I wish there was someone to share with.

Well, I thank you very much for listening to an SI old timer, lol. It has been a long time since I have been on here and triggering to say the least. I welcome your thoughts and encouragement. If you would like to know more please feel free to PM me. Thanks to all. :)

Hello 716dayslost. I'm sorry you are in this position. It seems like you have already done the things I would have suggested (dating sites, stay busy, spend time with friends, etc) but I wanted you to know that you have been heard.

I have a friend who thought he'd never find someone to marry. (He had successful dates and some long term relationships, but none of them worked out the way he wanted. He was pushing 50 years old and had never been married, so he convinced himself that he was going to have to come to terms with being single and never marrying or having kids. Then he met someone on an old dating site that he rarely used anymore, and things just clicked with her. They got married the same weekend that he turned 50 years old. (And she has two sons, so he got an instant family.) So, it's never too late to find someone.

Hang in there, and good luck! Keep us updated.

What were your counseling goals? Did you ever discuss in therapy how to measure progress?

Attempts to date have been awful, mostly non existent. I meet no women and OLD is just a sea of rejection. My qualities are solid, and I have been told that I would be a good catch.

Why is it a sea of rejection?

A couple of things with OLD. It generally starts with the picture and I would consider using some different pictures and refresh your profile. Also, Try dating all types of women, ages, personalities, appearances..and just go out. Maybe they turn out to be just a friend, that’s still a good thing! Don’t give up - try another site, refresh your profile and keep trying.

Thanks for the replies. You are right, it means a lot to know that I have been heard.

I have been told that it will happen when you least expect it, or just wait and I will be surprised. I am sure they are trying to be positive and I do appreciate that. It has been over 6 years now that I have been single. The one relationship was with a co-worker, not something I would recommend.

My counselor was a phd with many years in practice. She taught and wrote extensively in the field. Her counseling methods were traditional. As far as goals and progress, it was discussed in general terms not like a report card. For example, we talked about me getting back into dating. This is my only experience with counseling so I have nothing to gauge her methods by. It was always very professional. May I ask, should I have expected something else?

As for OLD, I have tried many different pictures and profile messages. Also several different services. I messaged quite often but got few responses at all. I rarely got an unsolicited request. I read a lot on how to present my profile. I do not speak for all women, but it feels like they get overwhelmed by messages and only reply if they find an attraction. For some that is easier than others. I have been inactive for several months, but may try again soon.

15 years with the same counselor seems like too long. Counseling should not be chatting among friends. Maybe she felt she was not actually helping anymore. Not giving a reference is a bit odd, but then maybe she thought you did not need it anymore.

I get how you feel, but I think you should focus on yourself and not make finding someone such a high priority. Maybe you are trying too hard.

Time to mix it up and try something new.

Join a club or activity or volunteer. Do something different.

I have always met women when I haven't wanted to meet women. Any time I was actively looking, nothin. I figure I exude pheromones of desperation which are totally unattractive. If you look at evolutionary biology, there are some science based truths to human mating. Sadly, for all the poetry, philosophy, art, music, and literature we produce, we are just a bunch of chemicals responding to other chemicals when we are being romantic.

I remember a Human Zoologist named Desmond Morris from the 80s or 90s who wrote a book on the human animal. There are YouTube videos you can watch and they are quite humorous. I recommend the one on the language of love.

In the end, be your best self. Then, the image that you project will be hour confident, authentic self. That is what will attract a partner and she will know exactly what she is getting. I think confidence and self worth are very attractive qualities in anyone. Have faith. When you least expect it...boom. just look at what happened to Thumper.

I'm with HeartFullOfHoles...15 yrs with a counselor is way too long. Weird, too. Like....billable hours weird. Should have had you on a path to be self-sufficient and clear in your path forward.

OLD is very hit and miss. But I agree with the others, continue to change it up. Also, as silly as it always sounds....in my experience too.....when you least expect it!

Know what you want....persevere....and have confidence in who and what you are.

Good luck to you, sir.

Hi 716days, that sounds like a lot...and I want to let you know you've been heard. The trauma of infidelity - in your case repeated, plus divorce can persist - frustratingly so! That hurt/sorrow/grief can visit us, live in our souls, disappear for times, and rear up its head. I'm also sorry to hear about what happened with your counselor - I'm in the mental health field and it is ethical for counselors to provide referrals when they downsize/retire.

You say you are still searching for answers - what are the questions? I suspect that you are asking the soul crushing questions those of us betrayed ask ourselves - what is wrong with me? am I unloveable? will I always be alone? Will I ever find anyone else with whom to share this life journey? is there some deep flaw inside me that X saw that keeps others away? These are painful questions. I don't know your story, but I wonder if you vacillate between holding these questions close and believing the negatives (I must be unloveable, I WILL always be alone) and then moving on with your life in positive ways (travel, dipping into OLD), yet still are haunted by what you believe are these truths about you. ALL of us affected by infidelity are wrenched with the pain of these questions. Part of the healing that needs to take place is to make space inside ourselves for these questions, and to also befriend ourselves so much, as we would an actual friend or our child, and love on ourselves - show compassion, curiosity, friendliness, so that for example, the sting of rejection of OLD doesn't hit us much, because we don't believe the negative propaganda that the trauma puts out there.

I have some suggestions for you - take 'em or leave them! And keep in mind that this is coming from a fellow traveler who still grapples with those very questions too.

Books -

The Happiness Trap - a wonderful book by an MD that can teach you ways to manage those negative thoughts and uncomfortable feelings

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart; really anything by her.

Consider taking up a mindfulness practice - meditation, yoga, MBSR, something to teach you practical skills of self compassion. It's huge in our culture right now, and there are many wonderful resources. Pema Chodron is a great place to start.

Sending strength and healing to you on this journey!

Thanks to all. excellent points & encouragement.

As for the counselor, my approach was not of healing from sickness. There was almost no social conversation and things were professional. We were not just passing time. I often compared it to people that go to a gym and work out. I went to counseling to be better and improve myself. Along the way there were valleys that I needed help to climb from also. I totally respect other people's counseling experiences and they seem to be quite varied. I have one friend who went 4 times only. Everyone is different. I know that I grew as a person during the time I was in counseling.

I just ask myself the question if I should find another counselor or not? I find I am as indecisive about this as I was 15 years ago.

Thanks to all who say it will happen when you least expect it. I would say the same thing to encourage others. I truly think we believe that when we say it, but we are not sure that it will happen. But I appreciate the thought because it comes from a place of caring. :)

The questions. Braveyogi, I agree with your take on them. I have been dealing with them for many years now and I mostly take them at face value.

I have been doing a lot for and with myself the last three years. I just simply have not made the connection with the right person. I am feeling the time that has passed. At the end of the day, it not entirely about me missing out on sharing my life. But out there, there are many women who are missing what I bring to a relationship. She missed the beaches of the Caribbean, the National Park, etc. She missed a great guy that checks all the boxes. Two lives enhanced by one another.

Ok, what triggered me was I was asked by my niece to help out her friend. When my niece was going through her D she said I was a great help to her in encouragement and support. I chatted with this friend this weekend. I hope I did help her. I recommended this site. But after talking with her, I brought feelings to my surface. It also was frustrating not to have a counselor to work through them.

:) :) :)

Earlier this year, my counselor of 15 years said she was downsizing and cut me without any reason but kept other patients. She never recommended another counselor, just good bye. She asked me to stay in touch and I have messaged a few times (very brief, no personal info) and received no acknowledgment. So I was seeing a counselor for rejection and betrayal, and ... I get rejected and left out. smh

The counselor situation is still raw to me, and I do not feel ready to start again with someone else. I do not know if I ever will. The question is, should I work towards that one day? Counseling was positive for many years and if it were my choice I would still be seeing her.

15 years huh?

You must have had what you considered a very close relationship with your counsellor. Could there have possibly been some transference going on between the two of you? Just asking.

Has this given rise to some renewed abandonment issues I wonder? Hardly surprising if so.

I'd suggest seeking out another counsellor 716dayslost. You can always change to a different one if things don't work out after a few visits but maybe have some sort of plan or timeline in place. 15 years of visiting one counsellor does sound quite odd to me.

Best wishes.

ETA...Perhaps consider seeing a male counsellor instead?

[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 10:08 AM, June 16th (Tuesday)]

I am with 1stwife about mixing it up - outside of work what are your interests and Hobbies? I’d bet your circle would expand and new potential interests would arise if you embraced an activity and met someone who shared your interests (or even a new friend who could introduce you).

My friend met someone through a new friend he met online doing D&D, a group he got connected with through his comic book store. And there’s also church groups. Book clubs. Affinity groups for symphony, theaters, museums that have mixers (when things open up).

Also agree with above about refreshing your profile, and you may want to have a trusted friend or relative review it and give feedback.

Sorry for what you experienced just wanted to share some ideas

Thank you. The point was the circumstances that ended counseling and how I am dealing with it. It was a professional situation that I feel did not end professionally.

Justsomelady and all, thanks for the encouragement. Hope is sometimes a weight to carry and it is great when others do that for me.

I have put a lot of effort in, but perhaps not the right effort. I really have no one I would trust to critique my profile and I have thought of paying a service to enhance my profile. I watch 90 Day, and wonder if that is for a possibility. In both these cases I worry about getting scammed.

When I travel, go to concerts or sporting events I do try to meet people. I try to be conversational (not creepy) and interact with women. Maybe not the right place, as it just seems polite responses.

If marketing does not help sell a product, maybe it is the product itself. In a humble way, I do think I have a winning product, but it is not about what I think of myself, but what women think of me. I just have not found the right women that I may appeal to.

I know there are no simple answers, and I know if members here could give me the answers they would. Maybe I just turned 57 and I just am feeling this way right now and needed to share it with someone? What I have found that the past 16 years has taught me that I do not allow myself to give up completely. I shut down at times, But I can never kill that within me. I think that is a good thing. "Hope Is a good thing and good things never die." to paraphrase Andy

Yeah, I can understand why you’re feeling disheartened. I do think the effort may not be in the best places, take the Live music example. I really don’t think it’s that conducive to meeting people, it’s something you go to and experience for yourself and with people you bring with you. There can be wonderful moments of comraderie with the crowd etc. but beyond that I think it is pretty rare to make a close connection.

Keep focusing on things you enjoy and If you can’t have others review your profile maybe give it a Marie Kondo and refresh the whole thing, photo, content etc. there are matchmaking services and services that will help you with your profile too. So that is also a thought. And keep the faith, I think this pandemic has a lot of us down. Sending good vibes your way.

Maybe a good idea like someone said above to try a male therapist too.

It was a professional situation that I feel did not end professionally.

I agree. There should have been some sort of 'exit' plan for you. I would have expected to be clear if she felt I need to pursue additional services elsewhere (with recommendations) or if she felt I was at a point to discontinue services, etc.

If she felt her services were no longer of benefit to you; she should have said. My son's IC did that "Sorry - but I am not longer unable to help here....." It was a "WTH?" moment for us; but she was clear.

I felt you did not get that.

I am not sure your work really was done in counseling (which is sad after 15 years) because of these things you said:

I am still dealing with the aftermath of infidelity many years later.

I had one relationship in that time that she ended. It probably caused more damage to myself

In 15 years, you should have a strong set of tools to help you.

I am here because other than my counselor, even those close to me do not know what I am feeling.

How do you feel about taking this opportunity to open up to someone close to you? Since they know you best; you might find an invaluable resource amongst your inner circle.

It was a professional situation that I feel did not end professionally.

I was deeply grieved when my counselor moved. It was a loss to me, and in my case the situation was handled professionally.

Maybe in your case the transference was within the therapist and that is why the ending was handled poorly.

Lots of time when odd things happen, and your side of the street is clean, it is the other person's issue.

No matter, this was a loss for you, and I am sorry you are struggling with it.

You also are a great person and lots of people are missing out on you. Are you missing out on yourself?

I completely understand how frustrating OLD is and dating in general past age 50. I also cannot take the "passive" rejection of always being passed over, and the rejection of being told "Thanks but no".

I had to come to an understanding with myself about the entire situation and now I date myself. I do all sorts of really fun things solo and love every minute of it.

716- Have you ever considered a move? Im not sure about your kid situation, but if you're 10 yrs from retiring maybe if you have kids, they're old enough and adults now?

I see you're in NY. Might you go on an adventure and see other parts of the country. Just a thought. I would've moved away if not for the kids.

716, I can relate to how you feel. OLD was a waste of time, no one ever responded. My friends were no help in introducing me to anyone, and I used to travel a lot for work, which made it hard to meet anyone. And my church shrunk down to about 25 people.

Have you tried joining any clubs, like a book club or something else you do as a hobby? Or volunteering? It is a good way to make connections and meet some new people. You never know what doors it may open. For me, that is easier than walking up to a stranger at a bar or the gym.

Thank you for understanding my feelings, as to where I am posting this.

I regret mentioning the counseling length, as that was not an issue. The counseling was positive.

I admit that it is not easy to open up all the layers to even close friends. In a forum like this in anonymity among people that can relate I can feel more comfortable. I do wish I had people in my life that could fill that role. I believe that is another reason why I would like a woman in my life that I could share with.

I do not want to be dismissive in any way and want to be open to all ideas. Moving is intriguing and I have that as an option. However, I choose to be located close to my mother and family. I love my home that I built and have always said this is where I want to be the rest of my days. But in moving I might find people that I can relate to also. My heart is in rural areas, which means meeting less people too. I have said that any woman that I would move for is the one for me.

Chrysalis123, you nailed it. "I had to come to an understanding with myself about the entire situation and now I date myself. I do all sorts of really fun things solo and love every minute of it." I have been doing that, but I still have hope for a connection too.

I have not been without adventure and I have treated myself to things and places. Is it wrong to want both myself and a partner?

Great suggestions and all from the heart, thank you very much. After six years, there is bound to be times of loneliness and frustration. I am open to many things and will try to once again rewrite the script.