Topic is Sleeping.
demolishedinside (original poster member #47839) posted at 2:25 PM on Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
So I got on a dating site to prove I hated them. Lord, do I. But then, a match and a phone call and well, this is interesting.
It's early for me. I truly am only interested in going very slow, yet I admit I really enjoyed the conversation. I'm nothing but honest but everything from all of the A's makes me not trust what guys say at all. I'm trying to take it at face value, but seriously, we all know people lie on the apps. So...I guess I wanted to say it is nice to know I can feel something again. It is NOT nice to feel triggered and to feel like I'm on display. How do I remain detached but open to this one? I don't even understand the gosh darn texting rules. It's been 25 years since I've dated. I absolutely have a life and plenty to do, so that's not even a worry. Just wondering how your first go at all of this went. This seemed so weirdly comfortable that I'm a bit stunned.
BS - me/3 kids
DD - April 2015 / SA-Jan. 28, 2017
DD2- October 23, 2018
Divorced and happy
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 8:58 PM on Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
I go about it by having an honest "expectations" discussion from the beginning, i.e., what are you looking for? I want any new prospect to know that I am not looking for marriage, or to be joined at the hip, will go very slow to get to know someone. I make it clear that I am looking for someone to enjoy life's adventures with, and if something evolves over time I'm not opposed to it but that is not the goal right now. Then I do just that. Go slow.
I do that for two reasons, mine and theirs. I want them to know what *I* am looking for and if *they* are looking for a casual hookup or a new wife then I am not a match. Why waste anyone's time if both parties have different goals? KWIM?
I hear you on the OLD stuff though. I REALLY despise it and do feel "on display." But I approach it with humor and certainly see a lot to laugh about (the ridiculous profile names, shirtless bathroom selfies, etc.).
Overall, just be true to yourself. 
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:00 PM on Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
I can say that it's way different after a marriage ends due to infidelity than due to other reasons. My first marriage ended and I spent a few years focused on raising a toddler and a baby. When I got online and started dating, I was like a kid in a candy store. It was fun, an adventure. I got hurt a few times and disappointed a great deal, but going out and meeting new people was overall a good time.
As you know, I haven't ventured out yet into the online dating world this time around. I pull up an app and I immediately get tired, lol. I'm tired of everyone's crap before I even start talking to them. For me, that's a sign that I'm not just not ready, but profoundly uninterested in complicating my life with all that stuff. It doesn't feel like an adventure this time around.
I'm interested to hear other people's experiences too.
DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:05 PM on Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
I go about it by having an honest "expectations" discussion from the beginning, i.e., what are you looking for? I want any new prospect to know that I am not looking for marriage, or to be joined at the hip, will go very slow to get to know someone. I make it clear that I am looking for someone to enjoy life's adventures with, and if something evolves over time I'm not opposed to it but that is not the goal right now. Then I do just that. Go slow.
I liked this alot ^^^ and am going to use it going forward as I have no interest in really being in a relationship again.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
demolishedinside (original poster member #47839) posted at 11:44 PM on Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
You know what’s weird, Phoenix? I’m not sure what slow means. Does that mean a check in text once a week? Or. An every other week date ? I don’t quite get this world and because of that, I may be setting myself up for more hurt.
Also, Lord can this be triggery. The damn posts are sometimes just plain idiots cheating.
BS - me/3 kids
DD - April 2015 / SA-Jan. 28, 2017
DD2- October 23, 2018
Divorced and happy
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 3:36 AM on Wednesday, June 17th, 2020
Slow means whatever you want. Set a pace comfortable to you. If it is agreeable to both parties, it works!
XSO and I were very slow paced, but it worked for us for several years. Sometimes we only saw each other once a month. Longer if we were traveling independently. But we generally at least texted once a day. We would do things together, but both had full lives by ourselves otherwise.
And yes, there are a lot of undesirables out there. I find weeding thru them tiresome, honestly. I do step away from it frequently.
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:55 PM on Wednesday, June 17th, 2020
I agree with Phoenix. Imagine what you want this to look like and act accordingly. If you want to send a text or call, then do so. If it becomes too much, then you adjust or end it. Who cares what the "social norms" are. You are an individual and you should do what feels right to you.
Meaning, you may be looking for dates, you may be looking for a long term relationship. Only you decide these things.
As an example, I made things pretty clear what I was looking for, I wasn't interested in playing games. When I liked someone I let them know. I was never rude. I was ghosted a couple of times, no big deal, I moved on.
I agree with you that dating sites are pretty worthless.
Topic is Sleeping.
