SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W2BHA is always so upbeat and has been on a mission to get a few more posts onto the Positive Reconciliation Stories., and she specially was hoping for a few from WS's.

I took some time to read the stories, and so few from waywards (not surprising). I recalled reading those same posts about 4 years ago and they did motivate me. There was hope.

I posted my story. To be honest I found it more emotional to write out than I expected. It felt good though.

So, any other waywards who are in R and would like to maybe share your success head on over to the Reconciliation forum to the pinned post.

THANK YOU MrCleanSlate !!! That was a great post...and I know this will bring someone HOPE during this particularly hard time of the year.

The WSs on this site have given ME so much insight into the mindset of a Wayward during their A. Reading some of y'alls stories validated some of what my H told me . Reading YOUR words can HELP ease the hurting people who come here in utter despair...both BS and WS. It would also be a great Christmas present for me to see that page go to #27 !!!

It would be really nice if a WS/BS or MH couple could write in that thread too...as a combined post. I have a sweet niece and very cool nephew on here who could give their old auntie an extra special Christmas present by doing that...just sayin !!! If y'all can't though...no worries...I won't disown y'all !!!

Seriously though...this thread is sometimes the only POSITIVE thread a hurting person sees when they first come on this site. Please consider writing your positive story...not only for you...but for others as well .

Want2BHappyAgain, I think your posts need more emojis.

thatbpguy...I agree !!! I would really like more emojis to choose from !!! I could use the emojis from my phone ...but they aren't as animated as the emojis on here ...especially the eyelash one with the prettiest blue eyes !!!

I do know what you were stating in your post ...but I wouldn't have been able to use as many emojis if I posted that way !!

I always have trouble posting emojis :)

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 10:38 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday)]

MrCleanSlate

I used to have one on there but I think I deleted it once it became clear that we were destined to be roommates who shared children rather than husband and wife who loved each other romantically.

If I didn’t delete it and it’s still there, disregard it.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:43 PM, December 4th (Friday)]

(((DF)))

I'm sorry things worked out that way.

Me too, BSR.

I’m mostly sorry for my kids; they’re screwed either way.

Darkness Falls...your journey since you've been on here has run the gamut of emotions for me. You have been through so much...and it looked like you were coming to a really GOOD place in your life...until things took a different turn (((HUGS))).

I remember after my separation from my 1st H...when I had a toddler...how devastated I felt for my baby . Over 3 decades later...with a very happy and well adjusted adult child...I can honestly say that my worries were unfounded . As long as your precious babies have LOVE...they will be just fine. From what you have written...I know they do .

Although mine is different from most, I think I might post my story there as well. Hopefully it can help others in a similar situation.

ff4152...I think that is an excellent idea my friend !! There may be a lot of people on here in your similar situation...but they are too afraid of the backlash they will get by posting. YOUR situation may be more common on this site than we will ever know.

YOU are also a Wayward that debunks a lot of what some Betrayeds say on this site . I have read many threads where it is written...with certainty from these Betrayeds...that the ONLY reason a Wayward stops their A is because they either get found out or are about to get found out . That is NOT the case with you !! You CHOSE to end your A all on your own. AND you changed your mindset about A's all on your own too. I APPLAUD you for that my friend!! We NEED to see this also to counteract what others keep saying as the truth...even though it is NOT!!

Also...although I do not agree with your lovely wife not knowing about your A...I have seen too many posts by Betrayeds who wish they never found out to realize that MY way of thinking isn't the ONLY way to think.

I want to thank you for sticking around...for telling YOUR truth...even when so MANY others berated and attacked you...what STRENGTH you have ! I am looking forward to seeing your post !!!

Well... I'm not trying to attack, but I do feel I have to push back at the idea that ff's approach is a positive reconcilation story. Reconciliation takes two. When one person is deliberately deceived about what they're agreeing to, how can that be R? If that's R, then I've been in it since I was 20. I ended my A voluntarily. I wasn't going to get caught. If I just never admitted it, and continued to gaslight my BH, would that make me reconciled?

I see a lot of positives in ending an A, in being faithful moving forward, and in trying to convince others to do the same. Some waywards don't even make that effort. But I don't believe you can ignore huge parts of the work -- honesty, transparency, returning agency, letting go of the outcome-- and call it reconciliation. I feel like I would be dismissing my BS's pain at my years of lying if I stood silent on this.

I don't think of your post as an attack BraveSirRobin. That is one of the great things about this place...having different perspectives .

If I just never admitted it, and continued to gaslight my BH, would that make me reconciled?

Respectfully...I don't believe it is the same. Your BH kept asking you questions about your time with your date if I remember correctly. You decided that you didn't want to gaslight him anymore...and you confessed to everything...correct? ff4152 has never gaslit his wife from what I am understanding. I have never seen him post where his wife has asked him if he ever cheated anyway.

Please don't get me wrong...I do not advocate lying AT ALL. I believe that a person should be able to know everything about what their life with their spouse is really like. I mean EVERYTHING.

However...I have seen people on here who don't want to know certain details about their WS's A like I did. I have also seen some who wrote that they wished their WS would have done the work and NOT told them about the A. Each of us have our own way of dealing with things...and I am not a person to say one way is right and another way isn't.

IF I WAS...I could let EVERYONE know what the answer is to having PEACE and being HAPPY again . Turn to GOD...HE can give you back your peace !! I bet that would go over well with everyone !! I speak MY truth...but I do respect others who speak THEIR truth...even though some of what they say definitely contradict with how I feel.

The first post in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread states:

This thread is for is ONLY FOR POSITIVE stories.

Strictly reconciling progress between couples. Share your stories as you heal.

ff4152 HAS healed. He has a positive story to tell. It might not be what you or I have...but there is NO DOUBT his IS a positive story. It is very RARE to see someone who is like ff4152 ...who came on here in an affair fog...and VERY arrogant about it...yet he had a changed mindset without ANY persuasion from his BW. I know MY H didn't do it this way anyway.

I didn't gaslight until after D-Day 2, and the only reason he was suspicious was that I had voluntarily confessed on D-Day 1. If I'd said nothing after the A, I'd have an identical story to FF, because my H would never have thought to ask. As it was, he accepted my story, and we went years at a time without ever mentioning the A. I don't think that makes it any better, those years he trusted me so thoroughly that I didn't even have to lie.

I withdraw the word gaslight, but it doesn't change my position on calling it reconciliation. I thought I knew best on my H's behalf, too. I was arrogant, and I was wrong.

BraveSirRobin...I respect your opinion...and agree with it also . But I have seen several Waywards and Betrayeds who think differently than we do. Their opinion is more in line with ff4152. The main thing...to ME...and I have read from many on here too...is to get OUT of infidelity. ff4152 has done that.

I can't speak for all Betrayeds...but it is refreshing for ME to see a WS who has stopped their A...and changed their mindset without any influence from their BS . THIS combats the way of thinking from others...mostly Betrayeds...who say that a WS will only stop their infidelities when FORCED to. That is NOT the truth...and ff4152 is a living example of that!

I also still believe that ff4152 will confess about his A to his lovely wife one day . I don't know how many years it took for you to realize that you needed to confess to your BH...but hopefully ff4152 will come to the same conclusion you did soon .

I also still believe that ff4152 will confess about his A to his lovely wife one day

And when he does, do you want her to come here and read that SI thinks the last several years of her marriage were a positive reconciliation story?

I don't know how many years it took for you to realize that you needed to confess to your BH...

The original confession of infidelity took me three weeks. It was not prompted by any question or discovery, and I did it on the first day I saw BH after I ended the A. The complete confession took me far too many years, as I mentioned above, but it was within a month of reading the advice here on SI.

Whether I personally confessed in thirty minutes or thirty years is a topic of deep remorse for me, but it has no bearing on whether FF's choices are something to applaud and emulate.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 1:31 AM, December 7th (Monday)]

I have to agree with BraveSirRobin.

The definition of reconcile is to bring back friendship and harmony.

It is impossible to have friendship or harmony that is one sided. I believe that people can change in positive ways. I believe that through those changes growth can occur. Reconciliation can only happen when both parties are actively engaged.

How many threads have we seen that the BS says the WS has an inaccurate perspective of the state of the marriage? That the WS thinks they are happily reconciled, but the BS thinks differently? True reconciliation requires both parties to be on the same page.

I suppose it might have been more technically accurate if I had said I was finally reconciling with myself. I was clearly at odds with the image I had of myself, my wife and my marriage and the one based in reality. Today, I see things for how they really are and what I thought was missing was there all along.

I agree with BSR.

I have tried,for a long time,to convince FF to confess. Primarily for his wife,but very much for him as well. After a long battle, I gave up.

I have come to respect FF,and consider him a friend here on SI. I do believe when his wife finds out (and for a variety of reasons I believe she will), he will be better equipped than most waywards, to handle the fallout,the consequences, her emotions.

Every time I read a story in jfo,of a BW finding out years later(and there have been several lately), I always think of FF. And hope he is paying attention. I believe we are only as sick as our secrets. And he will never heal as long as he is still keeping this from his wife. And I WANT him to heal.

I can not post a positive reconciliation story. At one point, I could have. But not now. And thats ok.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:46 AM, December 7th (Monday)]