SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for thinking of old timers here.

So last night I woke up at 3 am from a disturbing dream. I dreamed I spotted my AP with a mutual friend in the street. At first I pretended I had not seen her. As dreams go it morphs into us hugging. Then she retreats from me without a word. I had feelings of rejection. I awoke feeling I don't know what.

That's it. Keep in mind we have not spoken or communicated in any way for over 8 years. She lives 2000 miles away.

I spent the day thinking back to the good, the bad and the ugly. And generally feeling guilty. And revisiting the NC moments. This is maybe the second or third time I had a dream like this in the last 3 years or so.

I totally get that we are supposed to block our AP from our thoughts and are supposed to be indifferent. Obviously that is not where I'm at, at least today.

Is this normal? Seriously, if I could do a spotless mind thing, I would do it.

This is really bothering me. Should it? I feel guilty just posting this. Anyone out there have this happen?

Yeah, I do, but they’re like nightmares. Like, I’ve had dreams of breaking sobriety, too. Yuck.

How do you feel about the dream now? Is anything stressful going on for you or are any “big” dates coming up?

Thanks for asking. Yeah in a way it was kind of like a nightmare in that I felt really uncomfortable. I went back to sleep and had a frustration dream about not being able to find my car.

I'm feeling better now, but still bothered. Nothing more stressful than the norm. Just passed my birthday so that might have something to do with it. She was always saying she would keep me young. Maybe that's it.

Can totally relate.

Nearing the second month of NC with the ex-AP.

Even though the affair lasted < 2 months,

she cast a spell on me like no other.

Wish I could just wipe the portion of my brain with those memories.

Even better, go back in time and avoid the first meeting with the AP altogether.

I hear what you’re saying. A huge part of me wishes the same thing. Had I not gone down that path and cheated, I would have been spared 4 years of hell.

On the flip side of that, had I not gone through that pain, I would still be the same lousy person I was. IMO, that is far worse than any crappy memories of my AP.

I am not sure what it is you are saying exactly.

Are you saying the dream put you back into thinking about the AP? Just like warrenblk just said my affair was really short but my feelings were very intense. It took me a long time to realize that the reason they were had nothing to do with him. It was the feelings of chaos, the hits of dopamine, the addiction of that escape. It really had nothing to do with him at all.

Overcoming why I was able to be addicted was a big path to go down. I had to learn how to make myself happy. I knew how to long ago, but had lost touch with that, and had gone through long periods of just making my life work without respect of how I felt. The escape of the affair was so strong because I let myself get really fucking miserable and really unhealthy and that escape was a huge relief. Rather than dealing with my life in a real way over time.

The thing about escapes and addiction is that they are always going to be there to a certain extent. I am not saying I sit around and miss the AP at all. I am saying that when life gets hard that my feelings of wanting to escape come on. Maybe I would like to take an edible, or a drink, or whatever other slippery slope thing that comes my way.

However, I built other coping things to do instead. Go for a run, do something nice for myself or someone else, write about whatever I am feeling, etc. It's different for everyone.

I too will have nightmares from time to time about the AP. Seeing him somewhere (and in my dreams his wife is always there somehow - for me I think it's unresolved guilt over what I did to her). Sometimes when it happens I wake up and I am fine. I can shake that off and think thank God that wasn't real. Other times, I don't shake it off as fast, sort of what you are saying. It's in those times I have to take some inventory as to why I am getting drawn into the feelings of needing chaos. (I have learned that chaos is more comfortable to me than calm and that comes from FOO). I will go through some of my different ways of getting myself better in a healthy way - some of the things I mentioned before or I will go talk to someone.

That was a long winded way of saying that when I am in a downturn and this happens I see this as more of a warning signal to myself.

I also think it takes a long time to process out thoughts and let certain things go. This might just be part of normal processing and requires no real intellectual thought from you. Our subconcious sometimes knows something we don't, and the dreams can be as simple as the brain processing some part of things more deeply.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:32 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

Limerence is the perfect prison - stronger than the strongest steel & stone.

It is where I have been sentenced to for now.

You found your way out, but sometimes we may get pulled back in momentarily, even on a subconscious level.

I will gladly endure any form of physical pain, if that would mean the end of my torment. It is the punishment I must endure for violating the sanctity of my marriage.

Limerence is the perfect prison - stronger than the strongest steel & stone.

It is where I have been sentenced to for now.

You found your way out, but sometimes we may get pulled back in momentarily, even on a subconscious level.

I will gladly endure any form of physical pain, if that would mean the end of my torment. It is the punishment I must endure for violating the sanctity of my marriage.