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I have let my BH down. I have tried to apologize and own what I have done but he can't believe my words.

I made my BH feel terrible and like I don't care about him. For the most of the evening BH and I were flirty and we took a shower together and I made it very clear I wanted him that night. Well BH did a sweet sexy thing and rubbed my back and I was full naked and I fell asleep while he was rubbing my back.

This is something I have done in the past and he has expressed it hurts him and makes him feel unspecial and undesirable. I have promised not to lead him on any in fashion. And that's exactly what happened last night. I let my BH down.

I hate this person I am. I want to change I'm in IC.

I have left my BH feeling unloved and undesirable I'm a piece of shit. I don't want him to feel this way .... I'm the cause.

My BH is struggling and I want to support him but he doesn't want to listen to my words.

**Edit to make more detailed

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:16 AM, May 31st (Monday)]

You fell asleep while being massaged by him. He made you feel safe and relaxed. That doesn't make you a piece of shit. Did he try waking you up?

Life,

In a normal situation it wouldn't be a big deal but because of my actions it's unacceptable. And I know it. Its not just me falling asleep it's the fact that I didn't tell him I was tried.

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:45 AM, May 31st (Monday)]

Its bad enough you think you're a piece of shit, but don't say it out loud. Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits. Of course we all think we are pieces of shit. Its very common among WWs to think and feel all kinds of shitty things about ourselves. Work on that okay? Even if its only a little bit at a time. Like instead you can say "I did a shitty thing" or "I fucked up again"

But here's the thing, if you don't take anything away from mistakes along the way and then try to do better, you are going to keep repeating the same things you want to change.

I get where LifeDestroyer was coming from but this goes beyond that. You made a promise (a very reasonable one in these circumstances) and to your BH you proved something to him that he is constantly thinking and feeling since the discovery of your cheating. Your actions are all you have right now to help him gain safety in you again. You will need to guard your actions and intent like your relationship depends on it, because it does!

Start with a sincere apology. I'm going to tell you what to say, because its work you need to do for yourself. But, pick apart that moment and think about the things you could have done differently, be completely honest and also empathic for how you imagine it made him feel. Let him vent his frustrations.

One thing I always tired to express to my BH was that I'm going to do things and say things that stem from the old self, that I'm not always going to get it right as I work in the new. I would ask for patience and an allotted time frame to make it right, to confess, to express a different more accurate view, whatever it was to break away from the knee jerk reaction to establish better actions.

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:12 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation, 15yrsinthemaking. FWIW, IMO, you did nothing wrong in this situation. Falling asleep during a massage is a perfectly normal and (IMO) predictable possible outcome of a massage. Most of my massage therapists tell me to just go ahead and fall asleep while they work, that it only relaxes you further and allows the massage to be more effective. So please don't blame yourself for falling asleep. It's a physical response to stimulus, nothing more.

That being said however, that doesn't address the actual problem, which is that your BH probably feels a sense of rejection (his touch isn't enough to stimulate you sexually), a sense of betrayal and anger, (I'll bet she never fell asleep when her OM touched her), a sense of frustration or shame (I'm an idiot for making the effort to please her or R with her after she kicked me to the curb) and so on. The truth is, from his perspective, this feels like one more rejection from you, and whether it actually is or not, you have to accept that to him, that is exactly what it is, and respond accordingly.

I wish had some advice for you to fix this, but it doesn't work that way. Part of the consequences of an affair are that afterward, if R is to be attempted, then we need to accept that things may not be "balanced and fair" in the relationship for a while. That is not our BS's fault, it is ours, we destroyed the relationship in the first place and left them to suffer, so now we sometimes have to accept the unfair as fair, given the circumstances. This is one of those circumstances.

I think the best you can do is to try and see this as a moment in time. He's upset for now. But he's also doing his damnedest to be as reasonable as he can be under the circumstances. I don't think there is anything you can say or do in the short term to change that.

So play the long game. Continue to concentrate on your IC, on your personal growth, and as much as he will allow it, on your relationship. The only way your husband will ever let his guard down again with you is for you to feel "safe" enough for him to be with. Right now, your husband is sacrificing a lot for your sake. His own dignity and self-respect is on the line every moment that he stays with you. I can't tell you what his reasons are for staying, but I can tell you that it is an act of sacrificial love that he is still here. He is giving you a thousand second chances. He wants you to rise to the occasion.

The way to do that is to show him sacrificial love back. He needs to feel you putting him first, before your own needs, and he needs to feel it with some consistency, in all areas of your life. Sometimes it might be as simple as saving the last slice of your favorite pie just for him, and sometimes it might be as big as not contesting D and giving up assets for his benefit. He experienced how it felt when you didn't think about him or his needs at all, so now it will take a LOT to mend that. Give yourself some grace and allow the time needed to heal to occur, and to allow the outcomes to happen. It has been less than a year (I think, from your join date) and I think everyone here will agree that the first year is nothing short of a pain roller coaster all around. Just stay steady and determined, and show your BH that you mean what you say and will put in the work to make it happen.

((hugs))

BH is asking for D and full custody of out kids. I don't want to give him full custody. But because I have said I would in the past he is using this as an example of me not staying true to my word. I feel no matter what I do I'm failing. I feel like BH will never believe me ever...even more so now that I don't want to give full custody

I like what foreverlabeled and Daddydom said.

The hardest thing about getting out of our WS thinking is that we have to learn to love ourselves. And, to have true love for oneself means that you act in alignment with your integrity, you take care of yourself so you can take care of others, you become a student of how you can be better. For me that included to stop overthinking, to pay attention to my thoughts and learn to reframe them.

People who love themselves respect themselves. And people who love themselves and respect themselves are capable of loving and respecting others. My biggest concern for this relationship moving forward is that your husbands ideas of what you need to do to help him heal are at odds with what you need to do to get better.

This is not that unusual. One of the things I had to do was to stop people pleasing and figure out what I wanted from a relationship and learn to say it. That is extremely uncomfortable when your husband needs reassurance and consistency.

One thing that we did at the point where that rubbed is that my IC and I allowed him to come to a session in which we discussed what my goals were for therapy. This is not a good idea if you have a bad counselor because you do not want to convey this as this is all I need to do.

I think all WS have problems with integrity, for example. So, we made sure that in that session we talked about the fact mine was not where I thought it was and that one of my goals was to restore it. For myself. Not just to save the marriage but I was very clear that I let myself down by not enforcing my morals of what is right versus wrong.

I think that if your husband continues to look at whether you will give him your kids, whether you will let him have his oddly specific 6 month affair, he is not going to heal and neither are you. He is not going to heal having to carry more of the responsibility for the kids. And, as all WS who are here readily know that having an affair really just fucks you up worse. His solutions are not the solutions that will actually work for either of you.

That being said, I agree with foreverlabeled, moving forward you need to be a woman of your word. And, when you fail, you need to be a woman who has enough compassion and belief in herself to rise and try a new tactic to get over whatever obstacle you are throwing at yourself.

I think too if you know backrubs relax you enough to sleep, then you need to cut those short. Or, maybe agree to get them and give them after sex has been completed. You made a poor decision here, yes. But, if every time that happens it's met with you calling yourself a piece of shit you are not moving towards healing.

And, it's important to know that there are WS who have come to this site and turned themselves inside out trying to help their BS to no avail. I don't mean, don't try and help him at all. But know the only outcome you can control is who are you going to be moving forward? The more you heal yourself the more you will have to give to help those around you. And the more you heal the more healthy you will be and the more you will be able to cope with everything around you. Right now I am not sure that you guys are on a good path at all, professional intervention is likely needed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:15 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]