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Has been the smear campaign against me and a complete rewrite of history to the kids. I believe they are being alienated from me in a sinister manipulative way. One in which they cannot see and I can't really do anything to change their mind. I think it was this part that I feared in leaving and D'ing the most. Losing my kids to the manipulation. I really am heartbroken but have almost resigned myself to not care anymore about it because there isn't anything I can do about it. I had to leave for my sanity and I am being smeared that I broke up the family and won't communicate with the ex (we have been NC mostly because he cannot just keep it about the kids & finances). The kids actually feel sorry for him and recently my son said that I am the narcissist. I made a post on social media about narcissism and a few about the ex. I guess there were a couple of mutuals I either did not know I had but they told him and he told the kids about my post that I am "smearing the family name." That is my bad and I don't know why I posted on social media about it more like a cry for help I guess.

The part that is the most excruciating about this is it feels similar to other abuses I have suffered, being molested by my half-brother and my dad's family cutting me off because I spoke out. I was raped in high school and the perpetrator said I was a slut and smearing me to the whole school I had just moved to. When I was physically abused by an ex boyfriend and no one believed me except those who witnessed my bruising. I feel similar in my M that what happened to me didn't really happen and I am being smeared once again.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:12 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

So sorry, CBS. Narcs are so good at being the victim, aren't they? It does play into the abuse you've suffered before, and I'm sure he's using that to good effect.

{{hugs}}

Yes, they love to play the victim and project their dysfunction onto you. My oldest is starting to see reality, but it has been a very long and painful path to get to this point.

I experienced similar smear campaigns. I made it clear all communications were to be respectful/business like, only about the children and by email. She loved to send random text messages about what a horrible person I was or that I needed to do something she felt was important or that I had a bill to pay without actually including the bill and then would tell the children I wouldn't reply and all the other half truths and outright lies she has invented to protect her precious ego. Even after numerous responses of this is an abusive conversation please stop or please communicate by email only she couldn't see the difference between a boundary which I clearly set and her feeling I was trying to control her by limiting her contact option. Thankfully both girls are over 21 now so she has no reason to ever contact me again.

As a kid of a narc parent, I can tell you that the truth will come out in the end.

I was my mom's golden child... until I started having a mind of my own and developing my own world view in college. Took me that 4 years away to gain enough breathing room to start asking my own questions about life.

Anyway, started in with a new IC and described the reasons why I'm in VERY limited contact with my mom. I shared my story without even mentioning narcissism, rather that she was toxic to the point where I couldn't deal with her during and after my mental breakdown. New IC pipes up, "OH MY GOSH! She sounds like a NARCISSIST!"

Was so gratifying to hear that my suspicions were true!

Don't lose hope, your kids will come around. Show them patient, steady kindness and they will realize who you really are as a person. As they grow to adulthood and gain their own life experiences outside the home, they'll begin to develop their own BS detectors and start questioning your husband's behavior.

((((CBS)))))

I know that has to hurt terribly and bringing back past trauma makes it a twofold injury.

Please please please know that your kids were raised by you, and know what is right and good. While they may be falling for his shit now, they will eventually know the truth, and come back. (ask me how I know).

Short story - When my MIL left her H after my H and I had married we were all quite mad at her, and my FIL played the victim perfectly, he was so heartbroken, and lost, and blah blah blah..... It took us all about 6 months to realize understand all the shit he did to her over their 20+ years of M, that had been hurtful, and controlling, and abusive.

We still have an arms length relationship w/ his father, but his mother, my MIL is loved by us all, as was her second husband, and my kids truly feel she is a hero, and their favorite Grand. She is a integral part of our family. She is going on vacation with us this spring, and the kids and I love her to bits. I love her more than my own crazy mom.

Give it time. Let the dust settle, he will cause them pain as he has you because he is a broken narcissist.

Just know the narc will use anything and everything against you. Whatever ammo they have to blow up your world — they will do it.

So no more posts on social media. For the next 6 months I suggest you not post anything — no matter how benign. If you post "today is a beautiful sunny day" the narc will twist that to mean - "now that she’s not with me she’s having a beautiful day. See she really is evil & mean" blah blah blah.

My mother in law was that person. If you said "I like your hairstyle today" as a compliment, she would respond with "what are you saying? My hair wasn’t nice yesterday? Are you saying you didn’t like my hair last week?"🤪. Mentally exhausting.

Your kids will figure it out. They always do. People can only keep up the charade for so long and then their own shortcomings will rear their ugly heads.

Hang in there 🙏

I agree to stay off social media for a while. My x would have done the same thing.

Mine wrote a long list of things that I supposedly did that proved I was crazy. The list was made up of things he did or was doing. In the end, the court ordered him to have a psych evaluation. I didn’t ask for one but they felt he needed it. The court also ordered him into counseling. He was just acting crazy.

Know that you aren’t going crazy and the kids will come around. My x tried to convince the kids that I spent their college fund, that I cheated, etc. but they figured things out. I’ve been an open book with them. I have nothing to hide, but they know he lies now.

Hugs to you though because it’s rough when you are in the middle of it.

The part that is the most excruciating about this is it feels similar to other abuses I have suffered

Yep, this sounds about right. In the kindest, most gentle way possible... eventually... when you are doing better, you should consider why you keep having relationships (platonic as well as romantic) with people who abuse you (I promise that I am saying this as someone with a similar problem).

Beyond that, I have a couple of suggestions/thoughts for you:

1. One idea that might work for you would be to enroll yourself and your kids in family therapy... but do so with extreme caution.

My custody agreement required that we all enroll in family therapy but my xWW resisted it for a long, long time (and somehow, her refusal to enroll was fine even though she signed a written agreement saying that she would?). Anyway... at a certain point, I realized that family therapy would be dangerous for me because narcissists are so good at manipulating other people that I felt like there was a good chance that family therapy would make me out to be the bad person rather than her. In contrast, because we are no-contact... she has lost most of her ability to manipulate my kids because she knows so little about what happens at my house.

BUT, if you could enroll yourself and your kids into family therapy without him... then I think that it could work.

2. In hindsight, I was so beat up and damaged from the marriage and divorce that having my kids for only a limited amount of time... has been something of a blessing. It is giving me the time and space to heal, to once again become the person that I want to be.

I am 5+ years post D-day, 3+ years post decision-to-D, and almost a year from being legally divorced (tomorrow!). And, if I am being honest with myself, I would guess that 50% of the healing that I have accomplished has happened in the last 2-3 months. (although, again being honest, I was damaged far more by the divorce than by the infidelity and the marriage... so maybe I should considering the beginning of my healing clock to Feb 1, 2021 rather than August 2016 or August 2018).

Thank you for all the responses. I'm just going to keep being the mom I've always been and am going to completely step aside from getting into any more involvements with the ex. He looks for an inch then will take a mile grrrrrr.

you should consider why you keep having relationships (platonic as well as romantic) with people who abuse you (I promise that I am saying this as someone with a similar problem).

Yes have delved into this the past year or so with my therapist, unfortunately it goes back to my childhood sexual abuse and allowing boundaries to be crossed. My dad is also a narcissist not as bad on spectrum as the ex but enough I think to have cause some damage. He wasn't a very warm father growing up so I have always looked to men's approval to the point that I will allow my boundaries to be crossed I need to de-program myself.

I need to de-program myself

Oooof, this hit me where I live.

My grown kids took a step back from me during the divorce. It hurt me really bad. And confused me. The ex narc H was a serial cheater. Started bringing them in our home while I was intensive care with new grandbaby. Became physically violent. Tried to put me in prison. Yet they were stepping back to save their relationship with him. ?? I felt betrayed. Hurt again.

They didn’t want me to smear him. I didn’t have to. I just stepped back and started my healing. Eventually they saw who he is. He’s discarded them. Fourth stage alcoholism. His brain damage is so much worse. They now hate him. And our relationship is getting back on track

All of this has changed me. Some hurts are hard to heal. It all came from the narcissist. They needed to experience him. To see. To accept. It’s always complicated with Npd

I saw exH last weekend. At a park. He saw me first. Followed me to the restrooms. And waited outside for me. I had no idea. We are no contact . He started video taping me. With the most evil face and smirk. It was scary. Upset me for several days. He’s absolutely crazy. Judges lawyers and police have said it. Now I’m seeing just how bad. He’s been gone 3.5 years. And did this.

Hardest part of divorcing a narcissist? How far they take destruction. How evil. How shocked I feel. Married 36 years.

I get confused about the size of Npd. Was he always this evil behind the mask? Or does brain damage make it worse? I think both. I think he’s sloppy w brain damage. But it was there.

Your kids will see. Just like us. They have to go thru it to understand it.

Me and my two grown kids are getting very close again. They refer to us as close. Call us a family. Stay in touch. Joke and laugh. They also needed to see I’m still the same person. I didn’t go crazy single like Exnod I’m still mom. Just scarred.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:26 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

Hardest part of divorcing a narcissist? How far they take destruction. How evil. How shocked I feel. Married 36 years.

Wow. This is spot-on for me, except my number is 15 rather than 36.

The weirdest part for me was how the "shock" continues to build over time. As in, when it started, I assumed it was because she was just mad. But it continued to build and build and build...

He started video taping me. With the most evil face and smirk. It was scary.

This side of the npd--the cold, dead eyes, the sadistic smirk, the hissing as they speak--is like looking straight into the face of evil, and you cannot recognize anything about the person you thought you knew. It's an almost out-of-body experience that makes you shudder head to toe, and I hate that this phenomenon even exists, that there are people who can seem so bright and full of life and then slowly they expose what they have kept hidden...this dark, dark underbelly.

I'm so sorry, Cancuncrushed. And everyone else who has had to experience the terrifyingly dark underbelly of an npd. Seeing it changes you.

Hope you are doing well with all this, Crazyblindsided.

Thank you. It’s a bizarre experience. I too continue to be shocked. At a higher level. I think I have a good grip. I’ve researched and learned so much. Then I see more evil. More destruction. There is no bottom. Maybe we can only accept so much at a time. . It’s very scary.

I wonder what’s up w the video? Does he look at it constantly? My hair was blowing. I had on sunglasses. And a mask. He got zero.

He has no way to stalk me. No social media. Zero friends know me Everything has been blocked almost 4 years. It was a desperate move. He was ready. When we passed by chance. He had a plan. He thinks about this kind of stuff.

I wonder what’s up w the video?

I can only guess, but npds always want to hurt you because they believe with every fiber of their being that you have hurt them. If they are ever upset about anything, it's your fault. Or everyone's fault (but not theirs). And your ex could not think of any way to hurt you other than to control you, take a piece of you while you have been attempting NC. "I've got you on video! Ha! I always own you! I OWN you!" Lame, but it seems he could not think of any other way to get a reaction from you?

Even when you/we hate an npd, they feel very validated and powerful by our hate. We care that much to hate, they believe. So it seems he was trying for that reaction from you, to upset you, to matter.

It twists the mind because it makes zero sense. We think, "But why not act right if you care? If you want me to care? I care, too!" Because they cannot ever, ever, EVER be vulnerable and be seen as "caring." They like to push our buttons and matter, but they would and will never allow themselves to genuinely care about anyone. That ship sailed when they walled off their true selves as children (says me, idk). The weird yin/yang is that we can't stop genuinely caring while they can't start.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:52 AM, Friday, February 4th]

There was a statement I saw that said that if Satan can't get to you, he sends a narcissist.

I don't know your kids obviously, but kids are smart and they will eventually see the truth despite the disinformation they may be hearing. Counseling is always helpful.