SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. I don't regret my decision, it wasn't long term sustainable. We're still friends and have preserved what we like about each other.
I'm 5 years from D day.
And I'm well versed in being single by now.
However, I am ready to find my lifetime guy. And I am certainly now open to getting married.
Most days my life is full and I really enjoy things. I've done so much that I wouldn't have experienced if I had stayed married to WXH.
However, there are those moments, especially in the mornings and before bed, when I really want my guy to show up. I need a reminder of what it's actually like to be in a relationship and the not-so-positives, since I am idealizing how great things will be...

I love bein single because:

-All my money is my own.
-I can paint my stuff any color I want.
-I don't have to entertain anyone else when they're 'bored'.
-All the messes in the house are mine.
-I don't have to come home after working all day to a sink full of dirty dishes.
-I can sleep like a starfish on my bed.
-I can go out with friends without having to worry about pissing someone off.
-I don't have to justify my online shopping.
-I don't have to get in an argument when I am picking out stuff for my house.
-I can hire a pro to do things at my house without having to worry how it might impact a fragile male ego who thought he knew how to do all the things when he definitely did not know how to do all the things.
-I don't have someone being a giant pouty infant because I don't feel like having sex.
-I get ALL the pet snuggles.
-I don't have someone making comments about my weight.
-I'm not being emotionally abused.
-I don't give a single diddly fuck what anyone is doing with their phone or who they're talking to on it.
-My grocery bill is way less.
-My water bill is way less.
-I no longer have to deal with weaponized incompetence.
-I get to control the remote and watch any romcoms I want, as well as any documentaries I want without dealing with someone rolling their eyes and being an ass.
-There are not dirty socks fucking everywhere (seriously, my xwh went through like 4 pairs a day and left them ALL over - I was finding them for months after he left).
-I don't cry myself to sleep at night anymore.
-If I want to go to the ballet, I GO without having to get eyerolls and comments about how stupid it is.
-No more walking on eggshells.
-No more pot smoke in my house.
-I get to decide to move to a different state without having to consult anyone.
-No one tries to do things to my car and then get butt-hurt when I say no cus he did a lazy halfass job on things and I don't want my car getting fucked up.
-No more having to buy my own birthday and Christmas gifts because he didn't care enough to listen to what I wanted.
-I don't have nearly as many festering resentments these days.
-No more dealing with an epileptic that refuses to manage his condition.
-No more skin-crawly feelings being stuck in a house with someone I am furious with.
-No more messages from ap's with screenshots of conversations.
-No more dealing with someone with no self-awareness or emotional IQ.
-No more constant stress and worrying.
-My credit score has gone up 200+ points.
-My self-esteem and my self-respect have never been higher.
-No more feeling like I'm not enough.
-PEACE. Just PEACE in my house, in my mind, in my heart, in my life. My life is predictable and calm and that's the way I like it!

This is by no means a complete list, but allllll of this is why I love being on my own right now!!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 10:11 PM, Friday, April 22nd]

Oh those are great EllieKMAS! I love my peace of mind. I think because my ex is a flaming narcissist I've been cured of wanting to cohabitate with another

But I feel this a lot...

there are those moments, especially in the mornings and before bed, when I really want my guy to show up.

Whoever that guy is going to be... I wonder if I will ever have that again.

Agree with elliekmas

No more crying and rocking myself to sleep
No more put downs
Being alone is less lonely than being alone in a marriage
No more hate stares
No more feeling worthless because someone doesn’t feel like you should be different, or worshiping them.
No more lies
No more shame for not being what he wanted
No more guilt for not being enough
No more worrying about why he is not home
I can keep the light on at night or use my iPad until the next am
Fewer disappointments
No more MIL
No more baggy ass pants.
I can sleep when I want
Leave when I want.
Have puppies
Have friends over
Cook if and when I want
Wear my running shoes for life
I don’t have to brush my hair or wear makeup if I don’t want to.
No more being preached to
Quiet oh quiet

I can be me always

I don't have to worry about walking out to the living room to see him whacking off

No more worry that he's whacking off in his car too close to a school and gets arrested

I don't have to clean up the coffee and coffee grounds that he spilled down the front of the counter...again

Lots less laundry to do

I don't have to watch Gold Rush, iCarly, Suite Life of Zack and Cody, or Sam and Cat.

[This message edited by leafields at 1:07 AM, Friday, May 13th]

Ok, so let's say someone invites you out to dinner. After you agree, then you have to discuss when, where, what time, etc....gotta get the logistics agreed upon.

So now, it's Thursday and you're thinkin'..damn, I'm really not in the mood for Italian but that's what we decided upon. Oh well. You were busy all day and didn't have time to eat lunch. It's 4:00 and you're starving but dinner won't be until 6:00. Damn!

So, you go to dinner and you spend the evening listening to conversations that you have no interest in. I don't really care what you bought shopping, I don't really care about your golf game today, I don't really care about your pissy day...etc. etc. It doesn't always happen this way, but, more times that not, it does. And, if you go out with a large group of people...Oh My Lord, what a circus that can be...

So let's imagine that you go out to dinner by yourself. You chose the time, place, date...don't have to consider anyone else. I find that so refreshing. I usually eat only one meal a day and I like to savor that meal. I can't do that when I have to engage in conversation. Half the time, I don't even remembering eating...Damn.

I just really enjoy doing things by myself. And I think I project that when I'm out and about. As a matter of fact, I had dinner in a restaurant recently and when I asked for my bill, the waitress told me that someone else had paid for it. The reason they gave her was because "I looked so cute sittin' there eating by myself". Maybe it was a pick-up move from someone but no one approached me so I'm just thinkin' maybe I did really look cute sittin' there eating by myself..

My new mantra is... if someone doesn't enhance the experience, I'm goin' it alone. Really think about this, please. There is a definite downside to being alone. One of the things that bothered me in the beginning is that I didn't have anyone to say "good night" or "good morning" to. My whole life, I had someone to say these things to and I missed it.

Now, I say "good night house" and "good morning, house". It makes me smile now when I do this...all about attitude!

The upside is the absolute freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. The freedom, to me, is absolutely exhilarating. It does take time though....

"I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones." — Horacio Jones

***Every single thing on Ellie’s list.***

I love being single. And I would have NEVER anticipated feeling that way. But the mindset and perspective that has come from that has now melded every other aspect of my life. I have way less tolerance for things that don’t just simply bring me joy - and as a result I have more joy now in all of my life. (Never really realized how much space all that other crap was taking up!)

What exactly are you missing in those certain moments? I found that when I explored that question then it wasn’t so much that I was actually missing some thing as it was that I was assigning some kind of meaning to the fact that that thing wasn’t present. Kind of like the reframing of saying good morning to your house. It was less that I was actually missing saying good morning to any actual person…as much as it was that I was focused on the IDEA that I didn’t have someone to say good morning to (and what did that say about me?)

One other thing I also noticed with myself was that with any uncomfortable mood or feeling I experienced, it was easy to place the blame on being single…or believe that it would be different if I had a partner. I began to recognize that if I was truly lonely (for example), I had friends that I could call up - and I didn’t want to actually DO THAT…so therefore, I wasn’t actually lonely. I’ve witnessed this with a gazillion other emotions…that I have actual solutions that would make it better but I don’t really want to do those. That’s a big, big tip-off to me that I am likely dealing with something deeper…that I need to look at the messaging that I have programmed.

Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll have to include them in your plans. Every invite you get you’ll have to run by someone else. If you want to do an event solo or be alone for a weekend you run the risk of hurting their feelings. You may judged for pajama days, or feel pressure to participate in things when you’d rather have a lazy day. I’m not sure if you have kids, but blending a family sounds really hard to me. If you live with someone else you would have to make room for their stuff or listen to their opinion on decorating.

There is a definite downside to being alone. One of the things that bothered me in the beginning is that I didn't have anyone to say "good night" or "good morning" to. My whole life, I had someone to say these things to and I missed it.

Now, I say "good night house" and "good morning, house".

You can train Alexa to greet you whenever you like. She'll even sing you a little song on a scheduled basis and start your morning telling you the weather and some news and make suggestions for meals.

But the best thing about sleeping alone is I can read in bed in the middle of the night if I wake up. Well, I'm wrong - that's only 2nd best cuz the very best part is, I sleep with a pile of books, my Kindle and my Ipad in the spot where a heavy breathing, leg twitching, breathing in my face person used to be.