SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll admit it straight off. I'm a serial monogamist.

I've tried playing the field before, but don't like it. Strike that - I hate it. It's confusing and I don't know the ground rules. So I have questions.

First and foremost, how do you explain when you're not available at times? I'm bad at lying AND being vague.

Second, how do you not feel like you're cheating on all of them?

Third, whom do you sleep with? Any of them? None of them? (If that's so, why bother?) Do you keep one sure one in the rotation to sleep with and not sleep with the rest? As a rule, I don't sleep with more than one man at a time (as opposed to the CB, who slept with ALL of the women at the same time).

I gotta tell you, the idea of dating somebody that I KNOW is out there dating other people is very uncomfortable to me. It's bad enough that I assume that everyone I date is seeing somebody else when we meet. OMG, I just realized something. I assume that every man I meet is cheating on somebody else when he meets me. Oh God, that's a huge red flag and a topic for another thread that I don't have time to start right now, but wait, it's coming while I pick that apart in front of y'all.

Jeeze, I cannot believe that I am 55 years old and have absolutely no idea how to play the field. I'm pathetic.

Also, here's a problem. I'm not what most people consider pretty. I do the best with what I've got, but to be brutally honest about me, I'm probably what most men would call a butterface. You know, as in, she's got a hot body, but her face....

My BFF tells me (and he's male, so I believe him), that I'm "smashable." What he means is that men will think I'm hot and want to sleep with me right off the bat, regardless of what's going on above the neck. Yeah, I'm still skinny at 55 and try to get to the gym at least once a week to keep my ass from sliding down the back of my thighs, and evidently, at this age, that's a rarity in these here parts.

I think that playing the field might be a good idea for me right now, but I want to do so without lying, feeling guilty, turning into a slut, or ending up sexually frustrated.

Please, oh wise ones, guide me...

I guess I was playing the field when I first got on these dating apps. I just kept talking with a few of them and going on dates. That was until one caught my fancy and now I don't want to play the field anymore. It's been long distance dating which I kind of like because it makes it impossible to get too serious right now (and that scares the bejesus out of me).

I made out with them, one I slept with. I kept it casual and fun until I met this dude lol.

I have no idea how to play the field, but after reading your post I want to take you out on a date because you are hilarious.

Seriously, every time I've found myself single and decided I'm going to play the field, I quickly end up married or with a live-in partner so I'm zero help.

Good luck out there!

I’m in a similar boat- and I;m the same age.
I think you’ll figure it out. You are fun and funny and being honest can’t be bad.
(Just learn to say I’m busy that day— I don’t think anyone will ask more)

Good luck!

You need to be careful with "playing the field"

The problem with this is a very similar dynamic to an affair.

Let’s say you go out with a guy and he is a little nervous but fun and you have a good time. During this time you should be thinking about him and thinking about the date.

If you go home and start talking to other men you will be thinking about those men and not the decent guy you went out with.

Womens attraction grows in their thoughts. That’s why the affairs are so addictive it’s the forced time away and the thinking and obsessing in between encounters.

Also if you compare men side by side you will tend to pick the better looking / skilled / charismatic guy who ironically tends to more likely to be a cheater and abuser.

You need time and space to examine each guy in your own mind. When your thoughts are only focused on him your attraction will either grow or it won’t and you will not look forward to seeing him. Then you know it’s time to move on.

Give each man some time one at a time to evaluate them on their own. If it feels off let him go then talk to another one.

Good luck to you.

I hate it.

There's your answer. Sorry, I'm not much help.

Solarchick, I'm a serial monogamist as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In my case, I needed to understand why my "man picker" wasn't refined. I liked the bad boy type, but it ended in the very stereotypical ways (they cheated, my ex husband also developed a bad drug habit 10yrs into the relationship which ultimately ended in his infidelity and me leaving with the children). I have never cheated on anyone in my entire life. But I tended to put too much time into the wrong person, and not give the nice guys the opportunity they deserved. My therapist recommended trying to multi-date - not multi "sleep with" but multi date a few men so that I can learn not to settle and learn to appreciate the differences in men and find one that checked off all of my boxes. I was always very up front about the fact that I wasn't looking to settle down with anyone

I think that playing the field might be a good idea for me right now, but I want to do so without lying (just be honest, feeling guilty (you don't need to feel guilty for anything if you are honest, turning into a slut (how would you define slut, or why would you label exploring your sexuality with another consenting adult as slutty?, or ending up sexually frustrated (invest in a good vibrator - I'm not even joking .

Confused282 those are an awful lot of assumptions and opinions you are making about the inner mind of women. Dating is not at all a similar dynamic to an affair. Dating is what you do before ultimately choosing a partner (that is when continuing to "play the field" is cheating). I played the field. I judged each man against each other - that's what the whole idea is about! I had first dates with a few guys that were offended that I was still talking to other guys. Those are the ones that set off my red flag detector - no one owes anyone their loyalty until it becomes an actual relationship. I wasn't sleeping with any of the men I was dating, but I was hanging out and talking. It's ultimately how I found my boyfriend....he is beautiful to me, but isn't traditionally attractive. He was the warmest, funniest, hardest working excellent father of all of them. Once I met him, we had a few dates where he really won me over with his thoughtfullness and I let the other gentlemen know that I met someone. They were very gracious because I had been completely honest with them. They were doing the same thing as me with multi-dating (one of them went on to marry the next woman that he dated after me, so my honesty allowed him to find the best fit for him too). It's kind.

There are a lot of really decent, nice guys that just weren't right for me. And the mature thing about dating is being up front and honest. I became friends with a few of them - we had things in common but it wasn't romantic at all. We agreed to be friends, and went on to find other partners.

Also if you compare men side by side you will tend to pick the better looking / skilled / charismatic guy who ironically tends to more likely to be a cheater and abuser.

Please share your source of information for this. I'm really sorry if you've dated some untrustworthy people that weren't up front with you. But there is nothing wrong with "playing the field"

You need time and space to examine each guy in your own mind. When your thoughts are only focused on him your attraction will either grow or it won’t and you will not look forward to seeing him. Then you know it’s time to move on. Give each man some time one at a time to evaluate them on their own. If it feels off let him go then talk to another one.
Good luck to you.

This is good advice if someone isn't into "playing the field" but I took offence to the implication that "playing the field" is akin to "having an affair"

I've tried playing the field before, but don't like it. Strike that - I hate it.

If you hate it, then don't do it. There is no rule saying you need to "play the field". It is a good idea to date different people, but "playing the field" suggests that you're having sex with different men, and you don't need to do that to date.

If you want to have sex with multiple men, make sure that you tell them verbally that you are seeing other people before getting physical. You should ask if they are doing the same. That will prevent any misunderstandings on either side. Of course, a man you're with might lie, but that's a separate issue from a genuine misunderstanding grounded in poor communication.

Personally, I am done with serial monogamy, and will only have sex again if I get married. I don't need a man to have an orgasm, and I'm tired of emotionally bonding with people who end up flaking out of the relationship one way or another. I only date casually with no pseudo-commitments made, no exclusivity in dating. If love gradually blossoms between myself and one of these friends and we eventually decide we want to make a real commitment and get married, that would be lovely and that would be the time to get physical. If that never happens, oh well. I'm off the merry-go-round and glad to be off.

I can only tell you what has worked for me.

First off, I see dating as an opportunity to make friends and meet new people. In those first couple of casual dates, you're exploring each other as people and determining what course this friendship/relationship may or may not go. It may not go anywhere. It may turn into a friendship (oddly enough, that's happened quite a bit). Or it may develop into a romantic relationship.

My personal ground rules are that I don't have sex with anyone unless we have talked about being in a committed relationship. That may or may not work for you, but that's what has worked for me. My experience has been that if you are multi-dating, you'll need to figure out in which direction to head. Sometimes that is decided for you and sometimes you decide.

First and foremost, how do you explain when you're not available at times? I'm bad at lying AND being vague.

First and foremost, if you are casually dating more than one person and you are clearly not in a committed relationship as you have not had that discussion with them, then it is none of their damn business what you are doing with your time. If someone asks me to do something on Saturday and I have made previous plans, I tell them, "I'm sorry, I've previous plans." Period. You owe them nothing. If it feels like they want you at their beck and call, it may not be the relationship you want.

Second, how do you not feel like you're cheating on all of them?

If you haven't entered into a discussion on a committed and exclusive relationship, there is no cheating. When I was multi-dating, I fully expected people to be doing the same. I didn't ask. It wasn't any of my business.

Third, whom do you sleep with? Any of them? None of them? (If that's so, why bother?) Do you keep one sure one in the rotation to sleep with and not sleep with the rest? As a rule, I don't sleep with more than one man at a time (as opposed to the CB, who slept with ALL of the women at the same time).

I don't sleep with anyone until we've had the committed relationship discussion. And yes, sometimes it's difficult to have the "I'm sorry, but I'm pursuing another option to see where it goes" talk with the ones you've decided not to continue to see. I've done that, and it sucks, but I think honesty is the most important thing here.

You have to do what is most comfortable for you.

Cat

Tried it, but I never could. The way I dealt with it was moving quickly from messaging to meeting. Once I met someone in person I was exclusive including messaging until deciding to move on.

Mostly here to say I agree with Cat. Until you have the "exclusivity" talk, you don't owe anyone any explanations about what you're doing. Before marriage, I definitely played the field. I was pretty upfront with my "main" guy - we both referred to him as my "SSSO" - my "sometimes, sorta, significant other." So he knew the score. The other guys were just FWB and we knew it. Mostly it was "don't ask, don't tell" but I didn't hide the fact that I was doing my own thing whenever and with whomever I wanted.

But if that's really not your thing, don't force it! Do what makes you comfortable! Dating should be fun, not torture!

"to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Well, it appears that despite my misgivings, I am playing the field.

I had a good date with a guy on Friday. He seemed great, was VERY respectful, kind of quiet. He texted me after the date to let me know he got home safe and that he wanted to see me again. I expressed agreement to that proposition. Then a few "good morning" texts for a few days, and then he ghosted. Oh well, NEXT!

I have a date with a guy on Thursday that is not the greatest communicator, but he has very pretty eyes and maybe will be better at communicating in person. We'll see how that goes. It was a short online communication, where he expressed that he was afraid that he had fallen through the cracks. So I told him that we couldn't let that happen and we made plans to meet for dinner. So we've been texting, but he hasn't told me much about himself. He's hard to read.

I have a date some time this weekend (I'm hoping Sunday) with a guy that doesn't have clear pics online, so I cannot make a call on attraction, but damn, he's one hell of a nice guy. We've been emailing, and so far, I like him. We have plans for lunch, the pool, then dinner in Savannah. He's a good date planner.

So obviously, I haven't been put in a position where I'm asked to sleep with anybody. I do plan to work into the conversations that I don't sleep with men that I don't care about. This is due to the fact that I'm not going to let anybody see me naked that I'm not at least (as the kids say) "catching feels" for.

But I can tell you that I haven't had my normal uncomfortable feelings of rejection from that guy disappearing, which is a change. Hey, if he likes me, fine. If he doesn't, fine. I find it odd that men expect a certain level of exclusivity while my experience has clearly shown me that they do not provide that same level of exclusivity to their love interests. Hmmm, maybe something else that I need to work into these first date conversations.

This is either the most brilliant or most stupid thing I've tried in my whole life.

It seems to me that the early stages of dating are analogous in many ways to job searches (both from the employer's side as well as the person seeking a job). The employer will generally want to interview multiple candidates before extending a job offer, and likewise the job seeker will likely be applying to (and possibly interviewing with) multiple potential employers. In dating, of course, each person plays both roles (job seeker and employer) simultaneously. But we still generally will want/need to interview/be-interviewed-by a number different candidates before both parties find a mutually agreeable fit. And it is OK if your interview process has multiple stages before you make a "hiring" decision (or decide to dip back in the pool and look at more resumes...)

[This message edited by TurnedTurtle at 2:09 AM, Thursday, May 26th]

You are right TT. But evidently, I work in the porn industry, because every job I interview with (aka "guy I go out with") seems to think that sleeping with me is part of the evaluation process. Sorry, but I'm not looking for that kind of job!

It was an interesting afternoon and the situation continues to evolve.

Last Friday night guy popped back up again and wants to take me to the beach on Saturday.

Sunday date wants to see me on Saturday. I'm going to have to manage that one. And he wants to speak on the phone tonight.

Thursday night dinner date finally started talking. Evidently, power tools get him going. (It's a good thing I'm addicted to them.)

There's a lot going on right now. It's a lot to take care of and remember about what I said to whom.

I'm leaning towards this being the most stupid thing I've done.

There's a lot going on right now. It's a lot to take care of and remember about what I said to whom.

I'm leaning towards this being the most stupid thing I've done.

That's pretty much where I ended up. Overlapping first dates or one thing. Like three first dates on one weekend. But once you are to the point where second dates are getting put onto the schedule it gets tiresome as there's way too much juggling going on.

Well, okay.

Thursday night dinner ghosted me. Good thing I did not know where we were meeting, or I would have wasted gas money. So now he's blocked.

Saturday date's brother has cancer. Evidently, he's had it for a while. Saturday date just found out today, and is quite upset about it and is taking his parents to go see his brother for the weekend. I feel really bad this is happening to him. My dad died of cancer about 18 months ago, so I know what he's going through. This sucks.

Sunday date sent me an email telling me that I was not interested in anything serious and wanted to play the field and he was looking for a committed relationship and marriage. So he didn't want to meet on Sunday. Well, you know I had to reply and blow that shit out of the water. So now he's super eager to meet on Sunday because it turns out that I hate playing the field and do want a real relationship with trust and love and all of the other accoutrements that come along with it. I told him that marriage does not make a committed relationship. Behaviors and feelings make a committed relationship. He should spend a few minutes on this site if he wants proof that marriage does not always create a committed relationship.

When we were talking last night, I told him that I did not want to get married again. I didn't go into a long, drawn-out explanation of why. Ooops, my bad! Now he gets it, and has been texting me that on Sunday, we're going to meet and talk and talk and talk, and I'm his ideal woman and a bunch of other bullshit. I don't know if I'm that into him. I'm still in the evaluation phase. But he's dead-set on me now. It's making me uncomfortable. But I'm going to meet him on Sunday and see how it goes. I'm trying to keep an open mind and at least give him a chance.

I thought I was the queen of the cut and run and burn the place down on the way out the door move. He's got me beat! I told him so and complimented him on his ability to do so. And I wasn't even being sarcastic when I did. But it does have me thinking that we may be doomed if this is the first instinct for both of us.

I can tell you this, NOBODY is going to rush me into another exclusive relationship before I trust him enough to hand over my heart and open up to him. Sunday date has already hidden his OLD profile and is focusing exclusively on me. And we haven't even met yet. He may be deranged.

I've had so many BAD first dates this year, and just 3 or 4 good ones, and even those ended up in disappointment, pain, recovery, and in one case, real heartbreak. I never used to dump men. And this year, I've told 4 that I am no longer interested in seeing them, and shut them down rather abruptly. Best of luck to you buddy!

So we'll see if Sunday date is a dog or not. (My money is he is, even if he really does think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Dogs can still be big fans of a slice of bread.) There is always Saturday date, who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and logically the best fit for me.

Can we just skip to the end where I know all of the answers and can make a decision?

It sounds like you managing it all well! I hope one of them turns out to be a keeper.

Also the best advice I got for dating is to remember that anyone you meet is a stranger. No matter how long you are talking via phone or text, they are in fact still a stranger and anyone who not treating you like the stranger that you are to them has red flags all over them.

It would really bother me to hear someone saying I was their ideal woman before meeting me - they wouldn’t even know me so what they are basing that on is some knowledge and then filling in gaps with whatever they want.

messyleslie, Sunday date and I have started talking on the phone, and every time we have talked for more than 2 hours and say we're getting off the phone a bunch of times before we actually manage to hang up.

I agree, to me he is still a stranger. But to him, he's got me pretty much figured out and likes what he's found. I can't figure that out. I mean, I've learned plenty of things about him, but I'm still on the fence about how I feel about him. I don't even know if I'm physically attracted to him yet. He looks kind of like a big lawyer in my area, and he has the same first name, and my BFF and I keep joking that maybe I'm talking to this lawyer and he's lying about his job. I have seen plenty of TV ads for said big lawyer, and I'm not attracted to that guy.

I do like his level of communication, and that's a big thing to me. It's the one thing I don't like about Saturday date.

Sunday date is always very kind and complimentary, even when he was delivering the news that he was cancelling our now un-cancelled date. He and I like the same movies (old ones from the 40s - 60s), he's a good dad, he lets me ramble when I'm excited about something, but can hold up his own end of the conversation. There's plenty to like, and I DO like him. I'm just not done the evaluation process.

I mean, I've not had a second date with a guy that I didn't like. But it turns out that I have a blind spot for red flags until they all show up at once and I end it.

I just cancelled the date with Sunday guy. He had an affair on his ex-wife.

More later. I just have to live life offline for a while.

So Sunday date talked me into meeting him. He didn't have the affair until after they had decided to divorce (but before the D was final), which I thought I was OK with.

WORST. DATE. EVER.

It only lasted 30 minutes, and that was 29 minutes too long. It wasn't so much of a date as a few minutes of nice chatting, then it turned into an attempted religious conversion. I was told that my beliefs are wrong, that I was going to hell unless I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior, that AA was bad, and that I am no longer an alcoholic.

This man is a nightmare. I was so glad to be walking towards my car without so much as a goodbye.

He kept saying that we "have to talk" while he was talking me into meeting him today. Now I know why he kept saying that. Because he wanted to talk, and I was supposed to believe every word he said, abandon all of my personal beliefs, and follow him blindly. He told me I need to watch the 700 Club. Hey, if you're into that, fine, but it is NOT my cup of tea!

I am a big believer that you everyone is welcome to their own spiritual opinions. Just because I believe something, that does not mean that you need to believe the same thing. Unless you believe in something that could result in harm being done to others, have at it.

I have never had a person piss me off so intently so quickly. He's blocked on everything. Oh crap! I forgot to block him on email! That is next on my to-do list.

Oh, and here's one of the things that bothered me the most. Even though they knew they were divorcing, his STBXW was still shocked when she learned of his affair. And she didn't learn about it from him. I'm sorry, but I think it's a pretty big requirement that you have the discussion on what you're both comfortable with while the D is going on. Hell, I had the discussion with the last XH, and it was no big thing. I told him he was free to date whomever he liked from that moment forward. And he has. Heck, he's even called me for advice a few times.

But to not have the conversation and just go out and start dating because YOU decided it was OK, without checking in with your STBX spouse is underhanded and shady and shows a total disregard for their feelings. Like an affair junior version. Affair Lite?

Oh, and his profile pics were from at LEAST 10 years ago.

He is so convinced he's getting into heaven and he's figured it out. He needs to stop looking at other people and judging them. He needs to look in the mirror and do some analysis on what he sees.

As I left, I called my bestie, took him out to lunch, did a little shopping and walked around the adorable downtown area of our local town. It was a great way to spend the afternoon. So much better than what I had planned.

And I thought that getting propositioned to sleep with a man on the first date was disgusting. Those men have nothing on this slimeball!