SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been divorced for 2 years and just had my first date in 25 years. We went to a professional baseball game and I had so many different emotions during the day.

I realized how much I missed being part of a couple. Having someone put a hand in the middle of my back and direct me through a crowd...going to the bathroom and coming out and finding someone waiting for me with this big smile on his face...just touching during different times during the day, oh man, I really miss the touching and being touched.

The day was spent enjoying the feeling of being a couple but then just being really pissed off that I did enjoy it! I really want to be enough for me, I don't want to need someone else, I don't want to worry about a broken heart..

See, that's my whole problem. There are very few things I'm afraid of but oh boy, I am terrified of another broken heart. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I know I'm not healed enough...it's just hard not to think about the good feelings and forget everything else. But, see, that's what my ex did. He just embraced the "feel-good shit" and forgot about me and our 21 year marriage.

No, ain't gonna roll that way but it's hard...

The greatest things in life always involve risk, I think.

Life is full of heartbreaks of various kinds... but insulating yourself from the heartbreak means insulating yourself from the joy, too.

It's one of those things where I think you just bite the bullet and follow your heart, and hope that the good moments will outweigh the painful ones.

I put a lot of thought into this over the years, since I expect that being polyamorous means I am far more likely to have more than my share of broken hearts. Most of the time, a second relationship tends to be shallower or shorter lived, so I figured I was just setting myself up for heartbreak over and over. Had to really dig for my whys to make sure this is what I wanted from my life, and it is.

If I could suggest something, I'd sit with the feeling and ask yourself why a broken heart terrifies you. What the worst case scenario is. See if you can accept that it may be the price you pay to fall in love again. No one can ever promise that you won't go through heartbreak again; even if you find a perfect partner, relationships can end for all sorts of reasons beyond anyone's control.

Hugs. I think allowing ourselves to love, and finding someone to take that chance with is the most beautiful gift we can give ourselves, let alone the other person! But I'm a hopeless romantic at heart :)

I really think my age has something to do with it, too. At 68 years of age and 2 marriages that ended because of ex-spouses' infidelity...

I'm thinkin' I would really like to be done with all the crap that goes with a relationship...the good, the bad, and the ugly!

I'm 20 years younger but feel very similar to you. I recently put up a dating profile, then didn't respond to anyone who messaged me even when they were nice, then eventually deleted the profile. Just not ready. I'm not feeling confident, as I weigh about 20 pounds more than I did when I was dating before meeting WW. I used to be in great shape and look better. I don't look so great now. Was never beautiful before, and now in middle age, I'm very plain.

I've also never had great experiences with men. Not in terms of the relationship, they were never really there for me, and not even in bed (I've only been with a few men and they were each poor performers due to erectile issues). This is TMI but I'd like to have sex with a guy without having to give oral to get him ready. I like to lovingly give oral as an occasional treat, but I really hate having my head routinely pushed southward as soon as we get intimate, every time. If that's how it always has to be, I'd rather stick with fantasy.

I still very much want and need love. I feel the lack of it in my life and it hurts. But it seems unobtainable and too risky to try for. People say, "take a risk", but I've taken multiple risks before and been kicked in the teeth every time. I've given of myself emotionally and physically, been vulnerable, and loving, and was eventually abandoned each time. Taking risks doesn't pay off for me.

[This message edited by morningglory at 6:33 PM, Sunday, June 12th]

This is TMI but I'd like to have sex with a guy without having to give oral as a prerequisite. I like to lovingly give oral as an occasional treat, but I really hate having my head routinely pushed southward as soon as we get intimate, every time. If that's how it always has to be, I'd rather stick with fantasy.

morningglory- I just wanted to chime in and I apologize if my comments are unwelcome but I felt the need to say them.

I understand that you are from a religious background and sex is something very special and intimate for you. I just wanted to validate that there is never a way that sex "has to be"! Sex should be joyfully mutual between consenting adults. It is okay to say "I don't really feel like doing X act tonight, let's try Y instead!". No matter what, you never owe anyone a specific sex act and if that person gets their nose out of joint that you don't feel like doing something, I think that says an awful lot about their character.

It's okay to want to do things that you don't particularly like occasionally to please your partner- that's still a choice to consent. But you should never feel like you have to do something as part of sex. You deserve so much better than that. Your wants and desires are just as important as those of your partner.

Also- try and think of it from this perspective. Would you genuinely be able to enjoy a sex act if you knew that your partner was only doing it because they felt obligated to? I wouldn't. If your partner is okay using you like that, I think again it says a great deal about their character. Sex is supposed to be about mutual pleasure, not one sided giving and taking.

I hope you find partners who are as joyful and excited about pleasing YOU and meeting your sexual needs as you deserve as well.

you never owe anyone a specific sex act and if that person gets their nose out of joint that you don't feel like doing something

I meant that in terms of, due to their ED, if I didn't give oral, I wouldn't be able to be penetrated (which I wanted). That's what I meant and what I don't want to have to do. I want to be able to have sex with a man, but that requires him to be able to get and maintain an erection, which my past partners could not consistently do without my oral help in advance (one was on a medication that affected it, one had lingering side effects from cancer treatment, and one was just weak in that area, I guess).

My WW tried to force me into anal, which I refused because I had no desire for it, and because I'd previously been traumatized by a bad rip there during childbirth. No way was I going to do anal, and he pressured me heavily, even almost forcing it, which I successfully resisted. I'm so glad I never gave in, given that he later betrayed and abandoned me.

I honestly don't want to have sex at all again outside of marriage. That's the only way I could ever feel emotionally safe with it or right about doing it. Doesn't seem likely to happen for me, though.

[This message edited by morningglory at 6:46 PM, Sunday, June 12th]

I'm in R, so I really don't know how it feels to date after a long marriage, but I did notice as I was processing the betrayal and worrying whether my fWH would ever cheat again, that the majority of my anxiety was about the fear itself. IOW, I was afraid of feeling afraid. So there's that. Sometimes I think what we worry about the most is returning to that place where we got hurt. But that's a place you can never return to, no more than you could actually return to your happiest memory. It's in the past and it can't actually hurt us again the way it hurt us the first time. Even if we were to experience something similar, now we have a really impressive set of tools for dealing with it, tools that we didn't have before.

My advice? Spend a little time sitting in your fears and seeing if they're really labeled correctly.

((hugs))

Bingo, sometimes when I think about it, I wonder what the hell I'm doing back out there dating. I don't want to be brokenhearted ever again. So I try keeping it light, and miss the deep connection. I try getting serious, and get terrified that it's going to hurt when it ends, and end it before it'll hurt so badly that it will crush me. I have 55 years of anecdotal experience that shows me that relationships never work out.

It's something that I have a hard time thinking all the way through. So I just unhide my dating profile and give it another go every time I crash and burn another relationship. But honestly, every time I do, part of me wonders why I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But the sad part is, I've gotten to the point where I don't expect different results. (Yay! At least I'm not really crazy - I just act like I am.)

I don't know so many things. What is it that makes me crave a mutually supportive relationship so damn badly? Why am I so great at the beginning of a relationship, then manage to spectacularly screw things up each and every time? Why can't I figure out what I'm doing wrong?

I have recently started identifying a pattern of being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I get so uptight that the relationship is going to end that I stop wanting to be in it. When I look back on those relationships, they're really not the shit show I perceived them as at the time. Now I just need to figure out what to do with this realization. I need to relax and just be in the moment and give it a chance before I skip five steps ahead to the worst case scenario.

I've recently started talking to an ex, just as friends. And I knew from the moment I started talking to him, even before I met him, that he would be one of my good friends for the rest of my life. When we broke up, even though I was the one that ended it, I was absolutely demolished for like a month after it. I cried in every spare moment for two weeks. Talking to him now, he's giving me a lot of perspective. A lot of things that I thought that he perceived about me were only in my head and not the way he felt/feels about me at all. He tells me that in my current relationship, I need to just be present and if I have fears, to be honest and discuss them with my new man.

I can tell you, I am terrified of heartbreak just like you are. But the only thing that I have that is stronger than that fear is the desire to end up in a safe place with somebody I love and trust. Even if I'm 99.9% sure that this magical place that I speak of doesn't exist.

You seem to have a mindset of "screw them before they screw you".

You have the relationship ending (in your mind) before the horse leaves the gate so to speak.

Fear. You have a paralyzing fear of betrayal or something that makes you unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:47 PM, Sunday, June 26th]

I have felt this "broken heart" thing with new guy I'm dating who is long distance. It's hard to keep that happy medium of loving myself and wanting more. I also don't think this is going to last nor do I trust him but I am attracted to him and the chemistry is something I didn't have in my M. It's all so confusing.

I know my fear of a broken heart does create some pretty insane reasons why I know this won't work out. This is my first try at a new relationship since my divorce and god, it is so fuckin' hard for me.

I hate having to consider someone else's feelings, I hate overanalyzing every freakin' thing he says, I hate that his personality reminds me of my ex-husband's (probably the biggest thing I'm having trouble with..), I just hate it all.

So we went out for our first dinner together this evening and I have to admit I'm looking pretty hot! Two different staff members complimented me on my dress...my date did not say a word. Then I realized that this man has not given me one compliment about my appearance ever. Maybe not a big deal, but cmon' dude, can't you just one time say "You look nice this evening". If a man doesn't say that at the beginning of a relationship, I kinda see that as a red flag, but maybe I'm wrong. I dunno...

See, that's the kinda shit I don't want to be worried about at all!

I'm not ready and I'm not sure I will ever be ready. And, at 68 years of age, I don't really give a flying leap. Society tells us that we have to be in a relationship in order to find true happiness.

My experience in my 68 years has done nothing to convince me that is true.

Bingo, you're not wrong. That's one big-ass red flag.

Maybe there are more stoic women on the planet that are fine with that. He should go date one of them and leave you alone so you have time to go find a man that can't shut up about how awesome and beautiful you are!

I hate having to consider someone else's feelings, I hate overanalyzing every freakin' thing he says, I hate that his personality reminds me of my ex-husband's (probably the biggest thing I'm having trouble with..), I just hate it all.

Ummmmm. You divorced your xh. Why would you entertain having a relationship with xh2.0? If this guy is like your ex, maybe he's not the guy for you? Take my words with a grain of salt cus I am not yet dating again, but I can damn sure tell you that if someone acts like my xwh, they wouldn't get a second date, much less a relationship with me.

Just saying maybe you're in over-analyzing mode because your gut is telling you to really LOOK at who this person is.

So we went out for our first dinner together this evening and I have to admit I'm looking pretty hot! Two different staff members complimented me on my dress...my date did not say a word. Then I realized that this man has not given me one compliment about my appearance ever. Maybe not a big deal, but cmon' dude, can't you just one time say "You look nice this evening". If a man doesn't say that at the beginning of a relationship, I kinda see that as a red flag, but maybe I'm wrong. I dunno...

Oooh I felt this. My xwh also never EVER paid me compliments. It wasn't until I got clear of him that I made up my mind that I won't ever settle again for a so-so relationship. I'd rather be alone than feel lonely in a relationship again.

No you're not wrong - that's a red flag and not one I would entertain ever again.

Just my 0.02, but it sounds like you still have some healing to do and it sounds like you're settling for less than you absolutely deserve so you can be in a couple. Please don't do that - you deserve to have someone who thinks you are the bees knees!

You are exactly right, Ellie!

That is why, after 1 ballgame and 1 dinner date, I'm outta here with this guy.

I deserve so much more after all the crap in the past....

Love is risk and challenge and putting yourself out there despite the possibility of getting hurt again. Love is scary, but it is so very much worth the risk. I have had two absolutely horrible marriages and as scared as I am , I don't want to live with regret of never having tried again to find the love I deserve. I loathe being single. I know I am capable of taking care of myself and have been doing so for many years - 17 since the last divorce, but I don't want to have to do life by myself. I love the smell of a man with a good cologne on and him waiting for me as I exit the ladies room at the ball park and the hand holding and catching him glancing at me and his messages checking and wondering how my day is going and him wishing me well and praying for me. Is he perfect? No. But is anyone perfect? No. So I choose to learn to enjoy every moment that I can and learn how to forgive him graciously when he falls flat on his face and we move forward into another day.

I worry about the same trauma of a broken heart. I also think it's harder being older, feeling less attractive and desirable. Then I tell myself that nothing is as bad as we tell ourselves it will be. Live in the now, not the past or the future. And I am with you on the missing being part of a couple. I miss the small things -- our circle of friends, our shared history raising a family, even just celebrating anniversaries.

Bingo - FWIW. As a person (man), I am very reluctant to give my heart and sole to another person again after 25 years of a faux marriage. I'm divorced almost six years and I'm a recent sexagenarian. I've been on dating sites; I've met women socially through church, work, and friends; and I have started going to meet-up events in hopes of finding someone who shares something in common with me. Yet, I have not met my new "the one" for me. All the same, it's been fun getting out doing things and spending time with people: Then there's the fun of buying new shoes and casual clothes (lost more than a few pounds since the divorce) for going on "dates" as well as having something to look forward to at the end of the week.

I too miss being part of a couple, the couple socialization, the shared history, and physical contact. I can tell you tales of things gone wildly awkward (wrong) like being on a date thirty miles from home, having a child call with a 103F fever and the date having a tantrum that she was not important enough to me because I was ending the date to attend to my child (single dad, mother moved 400+ miles away, teenage children chose to stay with me). So, I screen for common experiences, e.g., parenting, religion, political, ethical, finances, long term friendships still intact, and family of origin. Even then, all that could line up and when we meet in person, it's only to find no chemistry, no connection, and no sense of intimacy. Some of those women have become my good friends and give me a feminine perspective, other just say been good getting to know you and good luck.

I'm dealing with it by throwing myself into my career for the last decade I intend to work, and traveling to see my children, and taking up old hobbies that I enjoy but hadn't had time for in the last two decades. Turns out I can still play tennis and I still like the smell of smoke pellets from toy trains. I just started pickle ball and I'm meeting all sorts of new people from that.

So, yes, I'd like to meet someone, but I'm not "hunting" for a new (or replacement) partner. And yes, I am concerned that I may get my heart broken again: Great reward usually requires great risk. Like many things, I'm open to the new. I'm open to meeting other people. If a great match comes along, wonderful. If not, I can spend money on trains that I didn't spend on drinks, dinner and a show.

I wish you peace, healing, a sense of independence, and being comfortable with yourself.

HS

[This message edited by Healershaman at 11:40 PM, Friday, September 2nd]

I know I am nowhere near being ready for another relationship and yet like many people here I am finding myself really wanting to get back out and date. I am a M person and also I have never dated in my adult life so the very thought of a broken heart or having to go through betrayal again terrifies me. I also absolutely do not want to let anyone on (who might be looking for a serious relationship yesterday and now). How do I navigate this if I want to jump back on the dating scene? Does saying "I'm just browsing for now but I really yearn for a serious relationship, even re-marriage if it's the right person" sound totally crazy? Really wish there were more posters here who have dated / gotten together with former BSes to offer their perspective.

P.S. I am amazed and impressed at the breadth of members and how much you have all learned posting here - you all sound like such amazing humans. I think of myself as old (38) / too old to try and find another partner but maybe I need to revisit that thinking.

I hate that his personality reminds me of my ex-husband's

I did OLD when I was dating. I remember the one guy said
"I am sorry; I am sure you are a great person but you look too much like my ex. I just can't"

I was not offended one bit. I totally got it and appreciated his honesty.

I'm with you - miss certain aspects of a relationship but terrified of a broken heart. Maybe more accurate to say I'm terrified of wasting anymore time - weeks, months or years - extricating myself and healing from a relationship that goes south, for whatever reason.

I can weather disappointment if things don't click or last with someone, but I can't go through another 3-5 years healing from a con artist/cheater. I'm too old to waste my remaining years and to risk losing my hard won peace.

Then I realized that this man has not given me one compliment about my appearance ever.

Major red flag there - so glad you dumped this guy. If he's not seeing your beauty in the beginning, he's a big No.