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I think I am pissed at my ex, still deciding.

My ex’s dad died on the weekend at the age of 91. He had a great life and left this world in a dignified manner. There is no terrible story, just the circle of life.

Clearly my ex has done a lot of thinking about this. He arranged a conference call with our kids unbeknownst to me. The topic was assisted dying.

He shared that he wants this if he ever needed it. Ok. I get it. No biggie. It is a reasonable topic given what is going on.

He then told my boys they should set themselves up for this as well.

What the actual fuck!?!

I am deciding if I should rip his face off or if I should take it as an opportunity to have a healthy thoughtful conversation and let the kids know that they only need to do what they want. It is their choice. 100%

I am leaning to option 2, because as my girlfriend suggests, "you can’t fix stupid". But I so want to yell wtf at him.

What would you do?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:24 AM, Tuesday, August 16th]

Option 2. Definitely Option 2.

But I will throw in - your ex (who is entitled to his decisions about this topic) is a flaming horse's patoot for trying to encourage your children.

You can't fix stupid.

Hi,

My father had a medically assisted end in January last year. I will be infinitely grateful forever to the caring and respectful people who assisted him and set it up.

That said, we are incredibly lucky that this option exists in Ontario, and if in a similar position, I would probably choose that route myself. However, I don't think even in the first few weeks after dad died and I was processing that loss would I have had a discussion with my boys to "set it up" themselves.

Stupid. They are indestructible in their young adulthood glory and THAT is the furthest thing from their minds. I have a living will and now my 23 year old is going to work in a remote location with lots of travel and he is considering setting something up. That is very different from a medically assisted end. You actually can't "preplan" an assisted end, it is a long drawn out process with a social worker and two doctors signing off.

Your ex is an ass, and watching my dad's death profoundly changed me, very different than my mother's long, agony filled death 15 years ago of the same terrible disease (cancer can fuck off). Your ex might be feeling the same emotions I went through, but he over stepped. I wouldn't rip his face off, but with adult children, it is up to them to have a discussion about boundaries, not you. I think your kids are similar ages to mine. I know my boys would just go, "right dad." and move on with their day.

Take care.

Key issue IMHO is what age are the kids?

If they are +18 then this isn’t your battle.
If they are -18 he’s just proven once and again you can’t cure stupid.

Do you think a hospital will take note of a 16-year-old that tells them to please turn off dad?
In fact – even if a 22-year-old did the same… No… they wouldn’t listen.
These decisions aren’t taken on a word-of-mouth basis.

What he needs to do is formalize this legally in accordance to whatever your state/country requires and THEN let stakeholders know. That might mean that your son (12, 16 or 22 or whatever age he is) knows that in dad’s home-safe there is a sealed envelope with the text "in case of medical emergency" that is legally set up, notarized and all official that they can go fetch and hand over to the medical staff, or his GM or attorney or whatever knows of his wishes.
--
On this (or a comparable) subject.
I actually think this is a wise move in some ways. Maybe dramatic and probably not fully thought out.
But…
I think it makes sense to sit down and THINK and write out what you want to happen in certain situations.
My wife and I have talked about what we want when/if the other passes away. We have a will and have told our kids the main content (mainly they aren’t getting anything until we are both six feet under).
We have filled out a form/booklet that outlines how we want our funerals. What hymns, decorations and such. Unfortunately local laws don’t allow me to be minced and used to feed trout in my favorite lake…
We have both discussed with our kids how far we want to go regarding being kept alive in medical situations.

I echo the above. What age are they? I will admit, I also lean towards medically assisted if there is a terminal illness. I have watched my mother go downhill with Alzheimer’s for about 10 years and that is why my stance is what it is on that. However, I would never tell my kids they have to follow suit. Maybe make sure the kids know they don’t have to cave on that but to research and know legalities, etc. for last wishes.

My boys are 23 and 26. They are young, healthy and vibrant. There is no reason for them to think about setting this up. None. I don’t think it is his place to suggest this for them. Because he is going through something doesn’t mean they are.

He can do it for himself and I am fine with him sharing his approach. But telling the kids to do the same. Can’t get onboard with that. And organizing a call just for that. Mind boggling to me.

I actually support medically assisted dying. My mother died of cancer, it was a hard journey for her. MAID was not an option at that time, if it was it would have saved her from some of the agony she endured.

Just to be sure I am understanding…

Your ex just suffered the loss of his parent, by way of medically assisted suicide, and is now considering / setting up the same for himself.

His conference call to your kids was to illicit their support for HIM?

Or was he urging them to address this option for THEMSELVES when their time comes?

If it is to ask for their support for his decision for himself, I think it is appropriate.

If it was to encourage them to do the same for themselves, I feel that on the heels of a recent loss might be too "fresh" a time to be making that kind of decision.

At the very least, I feel it would be more appropriate to share his decision with them privately and individually, and only as an option available to them when the time comes.

It sounds like a bit of undo influence in my opinion. Maybe even a means of control.

Because you are supportive of that option, the medically assisted suicide, it sounds as though your issue is not so much the topic, but the timing and vehicle with which to address it. And I don’t blame you.

But I do agree that option 2 is best. Let them know your take on that route to their death, but also the fact that it should be a decision they make based COMPLETELY on their own feelings, and after careful consideration- maybe not in the wake of a loss, or under influence from a parent.

I’m sorry for their loss.

WR, yes, his dad has just died naturally. He had Alzheimer’s - you have to be of sound mind to qualify, so he did not qualify for assisted dying.

I haven’t spoken to my ex, but in the call he told they kids about his decision and said to them - I recommend you do the same.

I think he had two goals, to share his decision and get his kids on board thinking about themselves.

The parameters of MAiD have changed now since my own father died. He had to be of sound mind RIGHT up to the minute before they gave him the injections, they asked him. That meant I had to keep him "with us" until that moment which was awful. He wanted this option so badly and managed to have 5 hours of perfectly cognicent conversations to say goodbye to everyone the evening before his scheduled assisted end. Then the effort exhausted him and he was in and out, terrifying.

Now, I believe, changes to Bill C-7 mean people may use something called a waiver of final consent. That is, a person who has requested assisted dying, been assessed and already found eligible, can make a written arrangement with their medical or nurse practitioner for it to be provided on a specified future date. The procedure can then be provided on or before that date if they lose decision-making capacity.

Anyway, your ex is an utter ass. Again, you cannot "preplan" an assisted end. It does NOT work that way at least here in Ontario. To be eligible for MAiD under Bill C-7, a person must be eligible for government-funded health services, be at least 18 years old, be capable of making decisions with respect to their health, have made a voluntary request for MAiD, and have given informed consent after first being informed of the means available to relieve their suffering.

In addition, a person must have a grievous and irremediable condition, defined as:

1) a "serious and incurable illness, disease or disability;"

2) "an advanced state of irreversible decline in capability;"

3) "that illnesses, disease, or disability, or that state of decline causes them enduring physical or psychological suffering that is intolerable to them and that cannot be relieved under conditions that they consider acceptable."

If a person meets these eligibility criteria and their natural death has become reasonably foreseeable, as long as they still have decision-making capacity, then they are eligible for MAiD.

So, unless your very young healthy boys meet these criteria, they can't "set it up." Neither can your Ex for that matter!!