SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So those of you who know…still under 3 weeks since D-day. And I’ve followed zero group advice (I’m certain, to my own fault). I’ve asked for consideration of counseling since the time he announced he was leaving me for his 8 month affair (AP is still married and her husband didn’t know of affair as of D-day). He’s not agreed to either couples therapy or discernment therapy to date; said he needs time to think. I’ve followed loads of advice in article after article that suggested I keep up communications. That cutting him off makes it easier for him to just break away from our nearly 20 year marriage. So I’ve kept up with texts. Maybe per day for about a week. Just photos or updates about the kids. Or housekeeping matters/banking etc. About a week ago, kids (who had also been texting him) severed communications with him after they found a photo of her in my file (swore I’d deleted…I had deleted from my camera roll —kids and I share an Apple ID—but they found a back up in Google photos. I think that made it more real for them (they’re 14&15) and they became furious. They know ALL I’m asking for at this point is counseling, and they’ve demanded it of him. So far? Like I said? No go. I’d asked him to call about a serious parenting issue that had to be discussed via phone, and to my surprise, he did. He hashed that out and then, instead of hanging up after? I asked how he was doing. Loads of tears from him. Yet I think those tears were FOR him and the fact that the kids are shutting him out. 2.5 hours later? We’d gotten some stuff on the table for the first time. But still no agreement to counseling. And no idea if he’s still with her. Kids know we were talking and became hopeful too. But after taking the day to rehash 37 times the conversation in my mind? I told them the dial hasn’t moved. He’s still not agreeing to anything. Trying SO hard to stay grounded in reality…not Hope. Just needed to vent to you all. So hard. Especially 4 states away from each other.he can’t file for D until April. I feel like we still have room. But not with me here. Wondering if I should rent an apartment short-term in his town so I’m available in case he wants to try. Feel like I have zero Hope at R if I’m this far away. Plus it would place me much closer to the kids who will be starting boarding school in two weeks. But feel frankly like a consummate ass for even considering this. Truth? I hurt him terribly 6 years ago by moving with the children away from him due to poor schools. We stayed married, but for 5 years lived apart. Looking back on it? It killed us. Thought I was doing the right thing for the kids. It was a terrible thing to do and I recognize that now. When we all moved back in together? It wasn’t 3 months before he started the affair. I think it was all just too much. For our entire family. THATS when we needed help. And it doesn’t excuse his A. But it makes my emotions about it all so incredibly complicated. Thanks for allowing me to vent. For far too long! Yikes!

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[This message edited by BornYesterday at 3:38 AM, Friday, August 19th]

We stayed married, but for 5 years lived apart. Looking back on it? It killed us. Thought I was doing the right thing for the kids. It was a terrible thing to do and I recognize that now. When we all moved back in together? It wasn’t 3 months before he started the affair. I think it was all just too much.

Do you believe that this was the only time he cheated? If so, why? People don't cheat because they're stressed or because they miss their spouse. They cheat because there's NOTHING inside of them to stop them from cheating when those kind of things happen. I've been stressed before. I've been separated by distance from my spouse for the sake of the children's welfare before. I didn't cheat. Life happens and sometimes we have to cope with real and significant problems, but not everyone cheats in response to that. You've got a guy with a demonstrable lack of integrity who has had five years of time on his hands. This might not be his first infraction.

It sounds like you're operating under the influence of guilt, but nothing you ever said or did would have caused this guy to abandon his principles. The problem is that those principles weren't there, and if we're talking about a man without integrity, without principles, what is it that you're fighting for? I'm not saying that cheaters can't change, but what good is R if you end up with an unreformed WS? That guy has shown no indication that he's got any interest in R, let alone making the necessary remediation of his poor character. For all you know, this last OW could have simply been the latest one.

I’m confused. He couldn’t also move to be in the better school area with HIS kids? Why would they not also be his first priority?
And I am SUPER skeptical that this is first A if he had 5 years where you were not local— seems like the kind of minimizing lie cheaters are known for, right up with "we only met 3 times" or "we only kissed". Also, I think you need to not have your kids buckled up next to you on this roller coaster ride. They know, but spare them being in the middle or knowing too much.

You are doing the pick me dance— I did it, too.
It doesn’t work.

This is so hard. What if you focus on your kids for 2 weeks and then take a break and decide what you want. Not because you feel guilty, not because you have 20 years of sunk costs. But what do you want? It’s a harder question than it seems, and you might find IC helpful for figuring it out.

I remember how hard it was at 3 weeks out— so so hard. It hurts like nothing else. But he’s not giving you much to work with, so maybe focus on you.

Sending strength…

If you didn't have kids, then being your husband's doormat and making catastrophically foolish decisions (like getting a short-term rental near him "just in case"!!!) would harm no one but yourself.

But that's not your reality, BornYesterday. You have kids who are in their early teens, which is an extremely challenging age. Their father has mentally and physically checked out on them, and they are struggling to cope with their own feelings of anger and abandonment. Now they're about to go through another major adjustment when they go to boarding school.

I know it sucks to have to keep it together when you feel like you're falling apart, but you must be the sane, reliable, and stable parent that your kids need. As BarelyBreathing said, you can't let them experience the same spin cycle of hope and rejection that you're putting yourself through. They don't need to hear about the fact that you're pushing for counseling, especially when you already know that your husband is completely disinterested in it.

I hurt him terribly 6 years ago by moving with the children away from him due to poor schools. We stayed married, but for 5 years lived apart. Looking back on it? It killed us. Thought I was doing the right thing for the kids. It was a terrible thing to do and I recognize that now.

Your husband sacrificed his career, his reputation, his family, and his financial wellbeing for another man's piece of ass... and he's still chasing after it!

If he was heartbroken at the idea of being a part from you and the kids, he would've done everything he could to keep his family intact 6 years ago. But he didn't then and refuses to do so now.

When we all moved back in together? It wasn’t 3 months before he started the affair.

BULLSHIT. It makes no sense that after 5 years of living alone, he embarked on his first and only affair right after you moved back in together. It's even more preposterous when you take into account the brazen manner in which it was conducted.

It's expected that your cheating husband will lie to and manipulate you. But you don't have to make it easier for him by gaslighting yourself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:27 AM, Sunday, August 21st]