SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just trying to see if anyone else feels like they have a sign on their forehead saying "CHEAT ON ME"...

My story starts with my 4 year marriage. We were high school sweethearts and together for 6 years before we got married. Things were good, not great, we argued and I stopped feeling safe with him. He had to move to a different country for work for a couple of months and I was working on my career so I decided to stay and he went. That was where his first affair happened. I caught him on social media w a girl, he denied everything and said it was just a friend for when he got lonely. Not physical cheating but it still hurt me badly. We decided to work through it and I forgave him and we moved on. I was always a little more guarded after that happened though. Fast forward a couple years, I find him again on social media with a different girl. Again said it was a friend that he met on a boys trip, not physical cheating. It really didn't sit well with me so I ended up going through his phone and found plenty of evidence that physical cheating was happening along with emotional. Plus he even talked to her about his original affair so that was confirmed physical also. I left him and it was a very dark period for me but friends and family helped me through it.

Fast forward 9 months I meet a new guy. He's very attentive, reassuring, loving, fun, all things lacking in my marriage that made me forget all about my ex to be honest. He met some of my friends, I was still too nervous to introduce to family but we were staying together multiple times a week and talking daily. Getting very close, he knew all about my ex and what he did to me. 5 months in he starts acting different one weekend when I'm out of town. When we get together when I'm back he ends it with me because he says im too distant due to my past. Made no sense to me and I told him I wanted to work on it with him and he said no he wanted to be alone. He mentioned meeting with a friend that helped him see that. I asked if this was a friend he wanted to be more than friends with and he said no he truly wanted to be alone. So I respected that and was sad but I understand, things change and relationships end.

But then I started thinking about how this behavior was so similar to my ex. So I did some snooping and found out he actually went and slept with that friend while I was out of town. And he was making love playlists for her with songs he sent me and songs I sent him. That one really hurt my heart because music means a lot to me and he knew that.

I guess I just feel like there's something about me that is making people do this to me. I try to be understanding but I was so clear that I needed honesty from a partner more than anything else but was still disrespected. I crave an intimate connection with someone but I just want some tips on how to not get cheated on again. I know I don't deserve this and i don't want to ever go through this again. But I also don't want to be so shut off from people that I end up alone. I like being alone, I wouldn't mind it, but I also would like to have someone by my side for genuine company and companionship. Any advice is welcome... thank you so much for reading. I hope you are finding peace in your life.

I'm sorry you had to find this group YogaCat, but you'll get some good perspectives here.

I have learned the hard way that, yes...we do have a sign on our foreheads that says "CHEAT ON ME". We just don't realize it. Self centered people who want to do whatever they want without consequences target people who are giving, loving, open and forgiving. Think about it. A burglar targets the easiest home to get into, not the hardest. They know what to look for.

While you saw yourself as being a good wife for taking your husband's word for it that hang out with a woman when he was lonely in another country never got physical, he saw it as he could sell you anything and you'd buy it. I did the same things. We suspend logic because we want to be the better partner and trust them. And we want to save the relationship. That's when our CHEAT ON ME sign starts flashing.

When the next guy came along and charmed you, you forgot all about your ex. That was your first mistake. There is a difference between still being in love with your ex and remembering the lessons learned from that experience. What you were saying to Mr. Charm is that you saw him as your savior, and that gave him all the power. I know. My second relationship ended far worse than the one in which my ex left me.

I don't say these things as criticism of you, but as something I know we can over come, because I have. Caution, such as not wanting to introduce him to your family yet, came from something you sensed. And yet you were convinced to ignore it. It is not a bad thing to pay attention to your gut.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply Charity411. And truly thanks for reading.

I see your point about not forgetting the lessons learned from my WH. I feel like that is why I was hesitant with the new guy meeting my family. It was in my gut that we needed to wait a little longer and I'm glad I did because he also turned out to be a cheater and liar. I just worry that my gut will always be telling me to wait and to not open up. I know it's a part of life to get hurt and I need to have courage and faith that my person is out there but I just don't want to waste time with another cheater and it really bothers me that cheaters keep getting away with it.

Just remember, its not all or nothing. Healthy skepticism is a good thing. It means you learn to pay attention to the small stuff that doesn't quite add up. That doesn't mean you are closing yourself off. It means you need to look elsewhere because its not a fit. You need to learn to stop trying to make it one by ignoring the obvious.

Look at this way. I recently adopted a shelter dog. This is not entirely unlike dating. I saw him online and thought he was cute. His profile said all the right things. Charming, friendly, snuggly.....housebroken. He was five years old, and older dogs are harder to place, so my sympathetic "I have to save him" tendencies were screaming at me. But I have learned from my mistakes. First impressions aren't everything. I made an appointment to meet him, under the professional watch of the shelter staff. And because I occasionally babysit for a neighbors dog, who I love dearly, I wanted to make sure my new man would get along with him, so my neighbor and him came along.

Not only did I test the waters with my new man, but the staff went through an exercise that determines whether or not the two dogs are going to get along. I remember watching this thinking that this technique should be developed for dating. It was so practical. They got along fabulously and my new little man is one of the most wonderful dogs I've ever gotten. If that introduction had not gone well, I now trust myself enough to know I would have walked away, no matter how cute he is and how sad I would be that he didn't find a home. It's not my job to save the world. And I finally, after years of work. understand the rest of the equation. If our introduction went badly, he would have been just as miserable as I would have been if I took him home. Protecting myself would have meant protecting him as well.

I appreciate that. I do find myself bending a lot to make things work. I know I need to work on stronger boundaries, but I also am a realist and I know that no person is perfect and I want to give people grace to learn me and grow with me. It really pulls me in two different directions.

Once I found out there was cheating and lying, I was out immediately. That is a strong boundary I'm not ever going to cross but I guess I just am lost as to what my other boundaries need to be. I'm happy to know I'm not alone in my struggles but I just find myself anxious about the future.

It isn’t you. It is the running commentary on all social media that seems to give people the right to lie and cheat. I have never seen anything like what has happened to our morals. Your two creeps are a dime a dozen. They are every where.

I think about this often. Both my exWH and current WH cheated on me. My exWH had multiple EA online and plans to meet in person, may have I never knew, and my current WH has issue with porn use and met a dominatrix in beginning of our dating which I only found out about a few months ago.

I wonder if it is more about our personalities that lets people justify their behavior. I am very open and honest, I am accepting of a lot of things, and do not nag or require much. I am accommodating and very compromising in my relationships. I learned, that I may set boundaries, but I also am not very firm in them. I lose myself a little in each relationship because I am a huge people pleaser. This is also a fault of mine I am learning to work on.

I feel like people who cheat are attracted to certain qualities. Or everyone is a cheater and we are all just the unlucky recipients. I have no real idea. If my current marriage fails at some point, I will probably go back to just dating for fun and I will give up on building real connections. Seems my "don't talk or comment or sex with people online" is too much of a requirement for the men I meet.

Cooley2here- I completely agree. When I found out about my WH affair, i was blown away that every single person I talked to had their own story. Either it happened to them, their parents, siblings, friends etc. Seems like everyone's got a cheater in their life. I wonder if it's social media causing it too. Or is it just that we find it out more now that there is social media? I hate social media, I'm not on it but it's how I caught my WH.

Greto- that's interesting because it sounds like you and I have very similar personalities. I show my love by doing things my partner likes, listening to their problems, etc. But I struggle with communicating my own needs and putting those needs before my partner just never happens. I don't like feeling selfish. I dated for fun for a little bit after my divorce but new guy snuck in and made me reconsider it. Made my heart flutter in ways I didn't think I could feel. But now that's all memory... I think I just need to be alone for a while if I'm being honest with myself.

A vulnerable people pleasers are very easy target for cheaters. Period!
Vulnerability lowers your guard. And a shining knight is the most preferred role these cheaters love to play while dealing with vulnerable people pleasers. You should up your guard when you are vulnerable and never lower it. Your experience with previous ex might have lowered your expectations from future partners. That blinded your spidey sense.It is like a company in dire need of workforce conducts an easy entrance exam that any individual with any quality of skill can easily clear. This is a recipe for disaster.
Not all of cheaters enter your life with the intention of cheating on you. Even when they are helping you through your difficult times they are not intending to cheat on you(until they do). Helping people is a boost to our ego. It makes us feel good. Makes our life feel worthwhile. When someone is helping us, we tend to think that they value us a lot. We think they are prioritizing us. This thought is what makes us fall for such people. But, in reality, in most cases,they help us because that makes them feel better.They feel special.Even help is a selfish act. They are prioritizing themselves. This is what we fail to recognize. This is where we make mistakes. We fall in this illusion without verification that they are helping us because they value us and we are the special one here. This is where their help turns into exploitation.
There is a saying "never fall in love with your therapist". This is a similar case. "Never fall in love with your savior". When you are weak and vulnerable, work on yourself. Don't give power over you to anyone. Only when you are strong and worked through your issues, should you with guards up and higher standards look for a partner. Don't loose hopes. They are good partners. Just upgrade your radar.
Wish you great future.

I think some people only want "new" relationships. Once the "shiny" wears off, so to speak, they get restless.

They show you one side to reel you in, and once you are hooked, they get bored and start looking for something new.

I see this often. There is no way of knowing who will behave this way and who won’t.

Lurkingsoul12- thank you for that insight. It rang home because once I confronted him he said to me "I wanted you and only you until a couple weeks ago when I started feeling you becoming distant" like you were saying, he had no intent to cheat until he did. He also told me he loves to help, loves feeling needed, etc. The savior thing you were talking about. So I tried to praise him for it and make it known how much it meant to me. I guess that backfired for me. But I'm also not interested in playing the victim. More interested in building my skills in finding my person. I have a lot of personal growth to do also so it's a good time to be solo. Seeing the positives and typing them out helps immensely.

The1stWife- I thought about that scenario too. We had a lot of fun together, adventurous dates, concerts, sports games. He went back to someone in his past that knew him very well so it's possible he really only wanted true intimacy with her and saw me as more fun. Which I don't blame him, I am fun ha!

Yogacat- it backfired because his help was never meant to you. It always meant to him. He was the focus of his generosity. He wanted to feel special and holy. You were just 'a' person who made it possible. 'You' could have been anyone. Stay away from people who treat you like 'a' person and not 'the' person. 'a' means they prioritizes themselves. 'the' means they prioritizes you.

Lurkingsoul- that does make sense. It's pretty hard for me to distinguish between him helping for himself and helping for me. I don't have much experience dating or reading those signs. This was my longest relationship other than my ex husband who also pulled a lot over my eyes. It's a live and learn type situation for me but it hurts that he doesn't care the way I thought he did.

Yogacat- true. Its hard to distinguish these things without experience and insticts. I learned it through a hard experience. I had a girl friend when I was 16. All of our friends knew about our relation. When she was close to 18, she got pregnant. Now, logically I would be the prime suspect here. Everybody believed I was the father. But swear to God, I never had inter course with her. I prefer emotional aspect of the relation more than physical part. I never thought or cared about sex. I was pretty content with the way things were going. But her getting pregnant was a bombshell I couldn't anticipate. Her family didn't know about our relation. When they found out she was pregnant and I was the suspect they really made my life hell for a while until the truth came out. She was having affair with another person and he got her pregnant. She confessed. Even after the confession her family blamed me for 'corrupting' her mind. Those were dark and depressing days for me. I was not only betrayed by her but also persecuted for that. It is at that this time a friend of mine started comforting me and offered me her'help'. I needed that. So we bonded over this 'help'. I believed she values me. But later I found out she was also 'helping' another 'needy' guy like me. Here, she was people pleaser and she couldn't say no to him. That shit broke me again. Another time, another friend of mine was in trouble. She was 20. She was in relation with her teacher but then later she found out he was a cheater. I had first hand two time experience of getting cheated on. So I took the mantle of knight and tried to help her. Very soon our relation dynamics changed. She would say anything to please me in return for the distraction and comfort I was offering her. It changed the way I perceive her. Now I saw her only as a vulnerable person who needs me but cannot offer anything substantial in return except for praises and words. She was just my ego booster. No disrespect to her. It's not that she couldnt offer anything in return. It's just, after helping her, my ego was so big that I refused to see that she can offer something in return. I refused to see that I needed her too. Thanks to my past experience that I soon realized what I was doing. I was playing the same act that my previous girlfriend played. I wanted to feel special and have some control over someone else's life to make up for the loss and shame I experienced in my previous relations. But at what cost? We were close to start a relation. I immediately stopped the act and remained friends ever since. This helped me develop instincts to differentiate certain things. Your experience will help you too.

Lurkingsoul- I understand what you're saying and I'm sorry you had to go through that. My thing is I'm not a game player, I wish dating didn't have to go like that. The back and forth is exhausting and I just feel like someone who really respected me and wanted to be with me wouldn't play the push-pull game. But maybe I'm naive there, maybe you have to play the game these days. I'm just not interested which is why I'm probably destined to be single, at least for a while. Which really is okay with me, I'd rather be alone than with someone who really doesn't care about me.