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For the 5th time my husband has been caught cheating with the same woman. He was with her, in her husbands bed when their adult son walked in. NOW he says is really over.

WHY? I knew about his cheating 4 different times but when HER family finds out it has to end?

Why am I not good enough to be faithful to? We’ve only been married almost 9 years and he’s been cheating for 6 of those years.

I feel so worthless. I’m so numb.

Mary,
As hard as this is to understand, it is not about you. You ARE enough. He has a HOLE in his soul that he cannot fill.
His cheating is about him and his issues, not you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. For the 5th time.

Can I ask— why do you stay?

Hang in there— and take care of yourself.
Drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get sleep and exercise.
Are you in IC? (Counseling). This will help with your self esteem and help you understand what you want.
Have you seen a lawyer to see what D might look like?
And please please — don’t listen to his alligator tears. Watch his actions.

Again, I am so sorry.

I’m so sorry, please understand that you are not worthless or dumb. This is something he isn’t sorry about or willing to give up. It’s time for some hard consequences. Please visit the pinned the topics above and the healing library, you should read and implement the 180. Best Wishes to you

I don’t want to analyze the cheater. He has his own issues.

However he has no respect for you. He knows you will accept him back and he can continue doing what he wants because he can manipulate and lie to you. And get away with it again and again.

I suggest counseling for you. Not marriage counseling. But someone to support you and help you make some decisions in your life.

Stop putting him and your marriage first. Start putting yourself first.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:59 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

WHY? I knew about his cheating 4 different times but when HER family finds out it has to end?

If this is the case, it’s because the other woman’s (OW) husband/family won’t tolerate the continuation of the affair… but you kept taking him back and thus he never experienced consequences.

Have you spoken to OW’s husband? It seems like he didn’t know about the affair until their son found out. If he wasn’t aware that affair has been ongoing for 6 years, now is the time to tell him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:43 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

Welcome Mary. You will receive good support here. Read in the healing library.

Most importantly take care of you. You have worth and value. Never doubt it. You have been through so much. You survived a 20 year violent M and abuse. Your health is very important after suffering a severe stroke following DDay in your current M. Always value yourself. Your WH has taken advantage of your good heart and your vulnerability. Your WH’s cheating has nothing to do with you. He is broken and his actions demonstrate a lack of integrity and honor. While you deal with severe health problems he is unfaithful. You deserve better Mary. Take action. Get into IC for you. Implement the 180. Decide what you want. You deserve the best Mary. Never forget, you are the prize. I would see an attorney to learn my rights in case of D. He is a proven liar. Watch his actions not his words. Contact the OBS to keep communication lines open. Your WH needs to be tested for STD’s. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:53 PM, Tuesday, April 18th]

Why am I not good enough to be faithful to? We’ve only been married almost 9 years and he’s been cheating for 6 of those years.

I feel so worthless. I’m so numb. sad

Please reverse this. In essence, he’s not in any measure good enough for you. You deserve much more than this. Even though you don’t currently believe it. That’s your work now. Take your eyes off him and work on your self worth, it can never be granted by someone else, only by you. Something has eroded your self esteem to the point that you have accepted his former infidelities. It’s good information because you can act on that, your self esteem that is. Start with self compassion and self kindness. Treat yourself like you would a good friend.

I am sorry you have been a betrayed spouse for so long. But the one thing I think is important is that your H did not cheat on you because if who you are, he cheated because of who he is.

He has issues within himself that have nothing to do with you.

Please don’t blame yourself for his cheating. That is the one thing I learned from my H’s affairs. I gave him a life that his friends were envious of - but for some reason he felt the need to cheat. And that was his choice to make.

Same goes for you. Your H chose to cheat b/c he has some serious issues or problems that he doesn’t want to face. But he hides behind his affairs for whatever reason.

Why am I not good enough to be faithful to? We’ve only been married almost 9 years and he’s been cheating for 6 of those years.

I feel so worthless.

Sear the following into your heart, mind, and soul:

Your husband's behavior and decisions have absolutely nothing to do with you.

His infidelity, lies, and deceit have nothing to do with you or your marriage - AT ALL.

Your self-worth is ONLY for YOU to determine - which is why it's called self-worth.

Your self-worth is NEVER for anyone else to determine - EVER.

Your self-worth and happiness are YOUR responsibility alone.

Don't EVER think that it is someone else's responsibility to "make" you happy - nor is it your responsibility to make anyone else happy.

For if you do, that is a guarantee that you will never be happy.

Do things and learn things that you find happiness in - and then share your happiness with others.

Finally, there is a big world out there that does not involve living with, being married to, or having anything to with a POS that continually lies, deceives, betrays, and stabs you in the back.

Extract yourself from his world of shit and leave it in the past.

No one needs to live that way.

Sadly, sometimes we teach others how to treat us. (Not always because if you read on this forum, and others, you will find BSs who were blindsided because they really did not know.) In your case you have known and you have stayed. He then gave himself permission to continue to cheat. This in no way blames you. All of us wanted to think our WSs could not possibly cheat. When your WS did I am sure he made promises and you wanted to believe him. That is because you have good boundaries and hoped he would as well and because you love him.

I think you have a WS who only cares about himself. He knew he had continued to hurt you and he did not care. The AP is just as bad.

I hope you get a therapist who works with infidelity trauma because that is what you are dealing with.

Since you have known for years you have been under stress for years. Stress can be a killer. Please look after your health. It is the most important thing in your life. If living with him is causing more stress it might be time to consider a separation. Don’t let his behavior make you sick.

Why do you not believe yourself to be good enough? Good enough to ditch this loser and find someone who will be faithful?

That's the only real question.

Hi, I am sorry you have had to find us.

I want you to know that absolutely you are worthy and deserve a husband you can trust. His cheating is not about you.

His cheating is about him. It is selfish. It is flawed. Did I say selfish. Cheaters cheat for so many different reasons and it is always about them.

I would love to see you think this way, I have given him four chances to be faithful, he has made a choice. I am worth more this.

You are worth more. He is not.

I appreciate all of the advice I’ve received here. I have a therapist appointment coming up in May and I’m going to make some tough decisions.

Hi MaryMargaret,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. He says it's over now. I assume he has said that before. What makes this time different?

Why am I not good enough to be faithful to?

Please know that his cheating has nothing to do with you. Beyonce was cheated on. Shania Twain. Sienna Miller. J-Lo. It wasn't because these women weren't good enough. It had everything to do with the morality of the cheater. Your husband has treated you horribly and without ever meeting you I KNOW you deserve better than this.

I feel so worthless.

You are not worthless. You are traumatized. Those are different things. I wonder whether your trauma has tricked your brain into believing things that are not true. Like what life would be without him. Is there a reason you have stayed through all of this? What have you been telling yourself?

Okay so everyone says this is not my fault.

When it all started, he told me I needed to put more into the relationship, get help for my depression, related to my previous husband long term physical health abuse and attempt to kill me… or he was going to contemplate divorce.

I did get on medication and saw a therapist. I was doing better and he cheated.

So maybe he started cheating when we were struggling but he continued through the years, through TERRIBLE times and good times. He continued. I caught him 5 times.

How do I convince myself I’m not at fault? That I’m not worthless?

I feel at fault. I feel I had a hand in this disaster.
How do I learn otherwise?

Hi Mary,

We all understand where you are coming from. It is hard not to see our own faults. Consider for a moment, would you have cheated in his place? Be honest here….. and the answer is most likely no! It is a matter of integrity!

So, why do we blame ourselves? If we are at fault, then we have some control over the situation and there for are not powerless with respect to controlling others. It is a mirage of power that lies to us. Truth is simply, we can only control ourselves.

Give it some time and some therapy for yourself. You will begin to see the truth. Until then, stay here and post in the safe place. Read! Learn! Ask questions! Most importantly, remember that this is a community that can understand you in a way in which those unaffected by this trauma can only imagine.

He cheated AFTER you did the things he wanted — got on meds, etc.
So it wasn’t about you.

And if he was unhappy with you, he had dozens of other options— confront you, demand counseling, separate, even divorce.
But he CHOSE to cheat. You could have been a stepford wife and he would have cheated. It had nothing to do with you or any perceived deficiency. We all go back and see where we could have been better in our marriages- none of us are perfect. But those are not reasons for cheating. Our spouses were not perfect— some were down right not nice - and yet we did not cheat. And certainly not 5 times.

this takes time to get through to yourself—but keep repeating it. Because it is true.

How do I convince myself I’m not at fault? That I’m not worthless?

I feel at fault. I feel I had a hand in this disaster.
How do I learn otherwise?

Wow, these thoughts must be so painfull. I know how you feel. I felt like this many years ago, but, could not put words to it. Back then there was little help available. Since then I found a good counselor, this forum and have made good progress in healing.

Recent triggers have brought back all that pain for me. Today there is much help available. On this thread you have received some good advice. I will echo with emphasis, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

Regarding your upcoming therapy in May, I would like to add the following advice. You are clearly experiencing trauma. Due to the length of time it may also be PTSD. Make sure your therapist has experience with infidelity trauma. There are several techniques for trauma healing, CBT, EMDR and others. If one isn't working change therapist.

Just talking with others like us is therapeutic. Talking with a trained professional is extremely helpful.

Please don't suffer alone. I know how lonely that is. Keep posting here.

He’s blaming YOU for his affairs which is a typical. cheater move.

He’s trying to rationalize his affairs by blaming the betrayed spouse — you do see how illogical that is right?

My H had two affairs 15 years apart. He denied the first one to the bitter end. And I let him get away with it. Then his second affair started b/c he had no consequences from the first affair.

So I did blame myself partly for the second affair. Until I realized he has his own issues on why he cheated. And I didn’t roll over during & after his second affair.

I made some very calculated moves. I got my act together and hoarded money, financially protected myself and told him to get out b/c I was Divorcing him.

We have reconciled but our marriage is very different. And he knows it! He’s now afraid I will leave him.

I hope this helps you.

MaryMargaret,
So sorry you find yourself here. I feel your pain. As others have mentioned, it is not you that is the problem, it’s him. You sound like a kind hearted soul like me who loves enough to be willing to look past bad behavior and accept a cheating spouses word. I have only had 1 D day, and I too for the longest time asked "what is wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough?". This site has helped me to start down the path of accepting that my BW is who had the problem and that I am the better person, as are you. I was willing to accept her minimalist approach to reconciliation, but as time wore on (2 years post Dday), I have finally begun to walk down the path of who I am, and what I’ll accept. Before the affair, cheating would have been a deal breaker for me, but once experienced, I learned that I loved her enough to give her a 2nd chance. In the last couple months I have learned to believe in myself and know that I am a much better person in every way than her AP. I am the trophy, I’m a much more complete package than the AP and if she wants a future with me then she will have to step up and begin to show me some change and effort. Once I began to stand up for myself, she began to put in the work, slowly at first but she is progressing so I’ll continue with reconciliation. There will never be another chance for her should this ever happen again, and she now knows that she will be held to a much more stringent standard. It’s a tough and long process to see the actual value you possess, but it is worth it once you start to feel it, and once you begin to feel like the prize, you’ll begin to feel your inner strength start to shine through. I felt like a turd in the beginning and now I’m beginning to feel like a tour de force. Hang in there, you’ll get there too. I agree with a couple others who say implement the 180. It’s ok to be selfish for yourself now, especially after 5 times. He needs IC if he wants to be in your life, and you could benefit from it as well after the way you’ve been treated. Be strong girl, we are all here for you. (Virtual hug coming your way!)