SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my boyfriend with another woman. We've been dating for 6 months with many conversations about him wanting exclusivity and me being the one for him. Turns out, he had been dating this woman too for the entirety of our relationship. I'm devastated because of his seemingly very sincere interest in me. He expressed this many times, which did not feel fake (I'm a pretty rational woman who sees through bullshit easily). We had a good relationship, bond and sexual attraction but I felt distance in the last couple of weeks that was attributed to the stress of his job. He told me the reason for cheating was because he was insecure with me (My looks, my career, my maturity, my smarts, and his occasional erectile dysfunction which made him very upset) and that he figured I would never stay with him. He said that he did want all the things he had told me he wanted (serious longterm relationship with me that involved unconditional love) but that he was insecure. He had always said he wanted to make me feel good and wanted to satisfy me (and he did). I know he suffers from some depression, ADHD, erectile dysfunction and is a recovered addict. In his past, he acted out a lot but had worked in therapy, worked on himself a lot and claimed he now has different values and is not proud of his past. He had some relationship and sexual insecurities which he works on in therapy too. I didn't get a full explanation the night I caught him and left him. He mostly stared at me in panic and stayed quiet. But it seems that him and the other woman hadn't discussed whether or not they were a couple (I guess it was more of a dating thing) but seemed like more than just hooking up. I think she was also below his league, as she was not pretty and did not seem to speak up for herself or have her own mind (I'm guessing this is what made him feel validated or admired). I was the one he would bring out places and introduce me to everyone he knew. So I think this was a secret of his for everyone but am not sure. I know the best thing to do was leave him because of this severe breach in trust and lack of integrity from the start of the relationship but I'm very sad that this is what came to be after having so many special feelings between us and fond memories. Looking back at the relationship makes me so sad to know that this was going on while we were sharing special intimate and emotional moments together. It makes me sick to think about it, nevermind that I had to see her there staying the night with him. Not to mention the hygienic and medical concerns he put me at risk for by cheating. I was falling in love with him and it had felt the same on his end up until this (he told me he had fallen for me more than once). I've been cheated on before in longer relationships. I always get over it but this is very painful for me mainly because of the intensity of the lying and because we werent having problems. He told me many times how I could trust him, knowing that I already have trust issues. I don't know if he deludes himself into thinking he is trustworthy or if he maliciously tried to deceive me knowing what my weaknesses were. I have done a lot of my own work to try to reach a point of trusting him (I was getting so close) and got myself to a point of being more vulnerable with him and then boom, I'm hit with this. I feel like I don't know what was real and what was fake anymore. This is very difficult because, despite what he thought, I was hoping to stay with him. I cared for him, felt safe with him, found him very attractive and my needs were met by him. Part of me thinks, I should've told him that more to ease his insecurity but I think if he is the type of man who could lie to me for so long like this, then it wouldn't have lasted anyway. I had worried that the past was not just the past but I chose to give him a chance and find out. I know I deserve better but I am not looking forward to dating anyone else. How did he live like this and not feel guilty? How did he stomach sleeping with one of us and then the other one the next night (I was supposed to come the next day)? Or even the same day? Does he regret or feel guilty now? Is he at all suffering like I am? Does he care how much pain he is causing me? I don't know if he's a narcissist who doesn't care or if he is at all disgusted by what he's done, but I have not even gotten an apology once. An apology would mean a lot to me but instead he let me walk away and hasn't bothered to send an apology either. I don't know if he'll miss me, continue with the other woman, or just move on and do this again. I know I can't be with him after this but I'm in a lot of pain. I've had a lot of loss over the past 6 months and did not want to lose him too. What happened to me feels like a movie, my worst nightmare and something I would never be able to handle. P.S. I already have a therapist that I speak with.

Let it go,miss. You have lot less to lose now. You can get over it. You will find the right person who won't hurt you whenever he feels insecure.

You are lucky that he revealed his true nature within the 6 months of your relationship and when the stakes are too low. Be grateful about it and cut off this unsafe person from your life permanently.

Its highly possible that he is a very good liar and pretender. His sincerity is just a facade. Run away from him as far as possible.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:35 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

Hey Nancy,

Sorry you had to go through that. He’s not done the work he said he had done in therapy. His coping mechanisms are still as crappy as they have ever been. He did learn how to hide his inadequacies though, it seems. As much as it hurts, it’s best to cut your losses and move on. As you note, if he did this during the giddy early days of a relationship, then he is not going to be safe when life sends its inevitable curveballs and tragedies.

BTW, there really is no such thing as closure. He did what he did because he wanted to. Everything else is bullsh*t excuses, making him the victim because you are so amazing that he can’t compete. He has a big empty hole in him that you CANNOT fill- no one can. That is what he should have been fixing in therapy.

Please get full panel STD/STI testing ASAP since he was having unprotected sex with others. (And who knows how many his AP (affair partner) is sleeping with). Take good care of yourself, mourn the end of the relationship, and maybe get in to IC (individual counseling) to help you manage through your emotions.

You are going to be okay— it’s just gonna hurt for a while. Hang in there. You deserve better.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:40 PM, Monday, June 19th]

If he's been with her your entire relationship, it sounds as if you could have been an unknowing other woman.

Also..if she didn't know about you..try to find it in your heart not to blame her. It really doesn't matter what she looks like.

Dating is basically a long interview to see if someone is marriage material. You found out,in a relatively short time, that he certainly isn't. You found out before kids. You found out, it seems,before completely committing to him. One day you will see this as a gift.

Oh..and he didn't cheat because of insecurity, or fear you would leave him. Those are cheap excuses all cheater use. He cheated because of something lacking in him.

Thank you, all. I need the words of affirmation. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm in the midst of so much pain, sadness, anger and disbelief. I am trying to be grateful that this happened early on and that I was able to catch on and listen to my intuition that something was wrong. I'm trying to find a way to stop feeling sick to my stomach everytime I think about what he was doing behind my back. I'm also want to find a way for this while thing to not be the first thing on my mind every time I wake up during the night and in the morning.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There's a lot of information in the posts pinned at the top of the forum, as well as the Healing Library.

Infidelity sucks. It's the worst pain I've been through. Please take some time to heal before you start dating again.

A lot of what he told you is a bunch of malarkey. If he was that intimidated, he'd have stopped dating you a long time ago.

If too can, individual counseling (IC) with a betrayal trauma specialist would be helpful.

Nancy, pain, anger, grief etc are all coping mechanisms. It's difficult to navigate through the betrayal without going through these emotions. So, don't try to stop yourself from feeling these emotions. Eventually, it will get easier. You will move on.

Nancy

I am a bit scared that what we are sharing with you and suggesting might sound like we are minimizing your pain.
After all:
"boyfriend" instead of husband with all the legal and financial commitments that entails.
"six months" instead of six years, sixteen years or even sixty years…

Heck… getting out of this should be a walk in the park. The solution so clear – the path so broad and straight.

I want to really emphasize that we get your pain. We understand how tough that walk in the park really is. Yet your path is clear…

The man you describe is not really a catch. It does sound like that if you were to work on this relationship the infidelity is only part of the problem. Definitely a big part, but even with that done and gone he still has major issues that IMHO he needs to deal with himself before he imposes himself as partner-material to anyone else.

His actions didn’t match his words.

How sad. But you know who and what you were dealing with. I suspect he is a cheater (more than once during your relationship).

He tried to love bomb you.

He tried to blame you for his insecurities.

He tried to deflect blame by saying "you were too good for him".

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better.

Hi Nancy,
I agree with Bigger. Sometimes the advice given may seem abrupt, harsh and because of that, it may come across as though we are minimizing your pain. I’m sure if you asked any one of the BS on this forum if they would have preferred to find out 6 months into a relationship that they were with/engaged/married to a cheater as opposed to years later - guarantee they’d say they’d rather find out sooner than later. I was 16 yrs married when my fWH had his affair; then at year 26 he had an EA. Sometimes we see these situations and think - oh man I wish I would have found out 6 months into being bf/gf that he/she was a cheater. Would have spared me all this pain years later. At least that’s my experience. Regardless, it doesn’t matter, 6 days, 6 months, or 6 years it still hurts, it’s still just as painful. I know you mentioned that you had a therapist - it may serve you well if that therapist is trained in betrayal trauma. You’ll get through this, it’s going to take time - be kind to yourself through the process. Practice self care, focus on you - your health, your healing. He has chosen his path - and you even stated that you didn’t even receive so much as an apology or an explanation. I think that speaks volumes. He was too much of a coward to face you. Good luck to you, I wish you well.

While I'm trying to heal myself, I'm also trying to understand the mind behind the betrayal because I don't believe people are all good or all bad. I think much of his behavior has been bad (he said it was the past but obviously it's the present too). As much as I can't believe his words, I do believe that insecurity was a driving factor for this behavior. I read a lot about it too. If this is not so, then why would he live like this? My 2 previous relationships were already going bad before they cheated, so it made sense. This time, it happened from the beginning when everything was great. So there are no obvious motivators for this. I know he also did it because he's selfish (maybe narcissistic) and puts himself first regardless of hurting other people. He thinks he is entitled to do what he wants while I am only allowed to have him. I believe this to be his unhealthy coping mechanism. I too am insecure but instead hurting people, I read books, journal and go to therapy. I think he cannot say no to anything that is making him feel wanted in an attempt to fill his void. I also think he wants a happy marriage life like his friends have but isn't capable of giving what it takes for that.I agree that he has a lot more to work on with himself and I think these things prevent him from being relationship material.

[This message edited by Nancy45 at 1:34 PM, Monday, June 19th]

The thought process of some is so disordered that there is no making sense out of it. Trying to apply logic to an illogical situation won't work because their thinking is abnormal.

That’s the point! His decision to cheat occurred when things were great in your relationship.

Therefore, his decision to cheat CLEARLY has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with him.

It may be that this is NOT the first time he cheated in you. Or other women.

He may be a serial cheater.

He may be one of those people that doesn’t believe in monogamy but will never admit it b/c he likes to appear as though he’s committed.

The point is his cheating is not b/c you weren’t good enough or you were too pretty or too smart or too good of a cook or too educated. He CHOSE to cheat b/c of something inside his own mind that made him believe that was a good choice.

Do not accept his lame excuses. Do not overlook this as "a lapse" or "a mistake". He’s a cheater. That’s who he is.

Your pain will subside. You will heal. We all get through it. Right now it’s crippling and awful and you feel sucker punched. But you know you are in the right place and doing what is best for you.

And he needs to be gone from your life. He doesn’t deserve a 2nd chance or any opportunity to listen to more lies.

I dated a serial cheater. I know the game they play. Supposedly I was the love of his life except for times I wasn’t available — you know like I had to work or I had a family event. Then I was very easily replaced. Best thing I did was the ghost the loser.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:38 PM, Monday, June 19th]

Nancy, even psychologists, therapists, have trouble making sense of senseless acts. Don’t try to analyze him. It will exhaust you and you will still never know. The human brain is so special because it gives us laughter, Mozart, friendships etc…it also gives us sociopaths and people who lie constantly. The best thing you can do is give yourself time to grieve but also time to forge new plans.
I think human beings yearn for joy. I guess the best thing you can do is figure out what gives you joy and go find it. The best day is usually the simplest one. You will be happy in the here and now.

I believe he's done this before and will do it again. I believe this is a part of who he is because of emotional or mental issues. I can see him making himself believe this is ok to do. From the start, he had claimed to be open minded and happy to talk things out as long as his partner didn't lie to him. And that's the opposite of what he did to me! He knew I just would've wanted him to tell me if he was seeing someone else but chose to make such a firm statement that he had zero interest in that. That's the weirdest part! I'm sure part of that was just to get me to stop using protection and give me a false sense of safety. This is the second habitual liar I have been with and I really don't deserve it. I try to be so honest. Why can't people like him just say they want to be in an open relationship and avoid dragging innocent people into a situation that will give them trauma they have to live with.
Before any of this, I had said even though things are great, I'm not enjoying it as much as I should because I'm just waiting for the betrayal to happen (due to my previous traumas). And now I wonder if deep down, my mind knew I couldn't trust this man.
I have so much respect for you guys who are helping people like me after you've been hurt.i can only imagine what you've gone through.

And now I wonder if deep down, my mind knew I couldn't trust this man.

We've all learned to trust our gut. I wouldn't go any further with this relationship, he has failed the interview. You can do so much better than babysitting someone's "insecurities" or whatever other excuse he uses. I know it sucks, I'm sorry this has happened.

2 months later and the pain is still intense. Wow. I've never dealt with such persistent pain from betrayal even though I've been betrayed before. I feel such intense waves of anger, sadness,frustration, loss, desperation,even self blame. I know I was lucky to get out now but this has messed me up more than I've ever been. I'm still in therapy but it hasn't helped much. I just can't handle the fact of what was done to me.So many deep conversations and shared deep feelings just thrown away...they meant nothing. I feel so foolish but more frustrated that someone was allowed to do this to me. It feels like this violation should be illegal.And he should be the one suffering the aftermath. Not me. He should have to feel my pain.

Nancy

Can you clarify a couple of things:
Is the relationship over?
Are you in any contact with him?

So you know where I am coming from: I caught my fiancé cheating only a few weeks before our planned wedding. This after a 4-5 year relationship and 2 years living together. I walked out of that relationship there and then.
For ME at THAT TIME it was the correct decision. In retrospect, the decision was probably based on pride rather than sense and logic, but if she was willing to cheat at that relatively early stage where we were supposed to be the most "in love"… well… what about 10 years from now with 2 kids, a mortgage and some car-loans?

But the pain was intense, and for the next six months I really had a hard time simply seeing any purpose in waking up. But then… one day I woke up feeling glum and then I realized I had to think about WHY I felt glum. I had to recall that the reason I was sad was that about six months ago I caught her… That was a watershed moment for me and from that point onwards I could focus on healing.

Hang in there. Keep in mind that nothing you did made him cheat. It’s no fault or lack in you that made him screw up the opportunity to be your partner.

Hi, Nancy, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain, infidelity is emotional destruction, but what your boyfriend did was just plain cruel dating two women at the same time and giving you hope for a future with him. It takes a special kind of evil person to inflict that pain onto someone else.

Are you on any type of medications to help you cope?

I hope you have family and friends to support you and help you move forward.

Have you thought about finding a new therapist, one that is well trained in trauma and infidelity?

To clarify, I left him right then and there. It didn't even cross my mind that I could or should forgive something like that. Ofcourse, since then I've thought about it due to my strong affection for this person and how loved and desired he made me feel. But ofcourse those thoughts are fleeting and I'm mainly angry to the point of hating him. Or I'm intensely sad and disappointed that he didn't actually feel for me and if he did, he didn't respect me.
I texted him for some answers after my therapist said it was ok. He began answering me since he owed me and said he knew how wrong he was. But then he stopped answering. This kills me because it makes me feel that he is doing fine and couldn't care less about my pain. My therapist says he may just be too much of a coward and may be suffering too. I can't imagine hurting someone like this but I thought that if I did, I would show some empathy.
I dont take meds but I do therapy, mediate, read therapeutic books, do yoga and other things to stay calm and active. I don't have family. My friends are long distance and are very lost in their own lives. I recently started making friends on an app which has turned out well.