(Raising my hand).
You are not alone and 10 years later I do have a couple of trusted women friends.
HISTORY:
1st - Mr Uxor’s first flirtation was with our family hair-dresser (not even emotional or physical affair - but gazing hungrily at her not-so-appriopriate beachy photo album with her 2nd husband. A secret extra album she only showed to select clients. One of whome she left her husband for.) She only showed me the larger more rated G-PG vacation album while she cut my hair. Oh, and she let him know about her b00b job too.
Though it was only a couple of interactions and he started going to a barber instead, because he only confessed years later, we call it a double betrayal.
Oh…and when he quit going to her, she stopped taking appointments from me and our kids. I had gone to her first and it had been over ten years of visiting about life and family. Hmmmm.
2nd - Next he had a non-physical but very verbally flirtatious affair with my closest friend where we lived. She began it by having her husband (also my husband’s friend) ask if they could borrow a household item right when I had to put the kids to bed.
He ran it over thinking he was bringing it to her husband. He arrived with her husband sent out for an errand and her trying on vacation clothing that showed a lot of skin. What did my husband think?…he participated.
It went on like that, look&discuss-but-don’t-touch for a couple of years. He tried to distance, to end it, and she would use our family friendship to gain access at shared events and crossovers.
If he had told me or her husband; then, that dopamine addiction cycle that is heightened by the "danger" might have gained the habit of disruption and self empowerment. But. Yeah. I wouldn’t be here if the “if only”s had happened.
We call it an emotional&flirtation affair.
3rd - Third double betrayal was a workplace full PA. 10 months. Maybe just under 1 month of flirting and EA.
Indefinitely knew saw and met her. Our kids too. Everyone did.
Everyone, including myself believed her stories of husbands emotional neglect and homelife distress. Another husband before (and a 3rd no one knew about until later).
I was her champion with Mr Uxor. Cheering Mr Uxor on to help her succeed. Help her kids, etc.
Women need to back-up women…right? And I was not the only wife of her workplace male contacts doing so.
I caught Mr Uxor with her 10 months into the PA.
Know why I learned all of this?
A month after DDay, she was also caught with another guy at work. Turns out he had been simu-f-ing her too ( without his or my husband’s knowledge).
His wife was also taking her to lunch, cheering him on to help her. Sending their son to mow her lawn. Etc.
But wait!…There is more!
Then her work phone showed 3 and maybe 4 other guys all EA, PA and sexting her also with simultaneous gifts and support at the same time. Another wife helping too!
My H’s slipperysloping the women around us had led to a helluva con-job in his world. And mine. And many others.
And we all thought we were her friends and heros/heroines.
So he told me everything all the way back to porn when we were dating. Boom! The death of trickle truth and the reality of who my “friends” really were.
The raw truth of how worthless I and my efforts and trust were to the women who wanted access to my husband, our life and resources.
So…sure…He did get credit for early transparency. Probably part of why we are together still.
So, 3 times double betrayal.
My faith in Mr Uxor, friends, myself, humanity…flatlined.
WHAT MIGHT HELP:
1st. Yes. Do keep looking for an IC who will help you with a certain level of trust. Not just in female friends. But also humanity and even yourself.
But deep trust must be earned!!!
2nd. This concept helped me:
"You only need 5 close friends".Maxiumum!
In a world where we are told to people please, we are so vulnerable to betrayals in many ways. And those of us who value honesty, should never feel ashamed that we thought other people were as authentic as us.
It is on them, NOT us, for exploiting our good faith with their lies.
But we do NOT need to trust everyone ever again!
Now that we know the truth, we are enabling if we don’t learn new wats to protect ourselves.
Take your time.
Build your five slowly by watching trustworthiness on the little things. Don’t tell the hairdresser as much or send your husband to her to trim his unibrow even if she has a disabled child yet has to work.
Don’t discuss features of your husband when your besty book-clubs with you and wants to know which male character you think your husband is like and why….but she is less than complimentary of comparing her own. (One of my mistakes.)
Don’t send your own husband out to move furniture for the gal at work with a bad back, whose husband, two sons and daughter’s boyfriend are not helping. Oh, who is traumatized because she saw a dead body. Oh…Whose daughter is now a pregnant teen. Oh…who you just directly complimented on how EVERONE at the office and all their families tell you what great work she is doing in the face of such daunting obstacles. Thinking other people are there to help with the furniture move. But. Ooops. They all left with the furniture!!!
So, you get the picture. Let’s all be the hero for the APs. (NOT) And get smacked down flat for our kindness and friendship.
We do need to be polite and keep the social cogs greased.
We do not need friendly social acquaintances for a well rounded life.
We do not need more than a handful of deeply trusted people, and they may not even be for the same purpose of support.
Rebuild slowly. Watch how a small favor is handed. Watch who they turn to in chaos…the opposite sex for rescue, or a trusted ear of a same sex friend. See if they notice you, uplift you and want good for you as much as they ask of you.
Learn what real charity is and let fake victims chase their wants without being able to steal from your needs.
And always watch for the subtle attempt to be alone with people they should not be alone with.
You do not need that friend. Do not offer your heart or your shoulder…offer them a name of a good counselor instead.
And it is ok to start with finding, slowly, just one close friend.
One is a great start.
LAST
Your spouse should support these concepts for themselves too. Any pushing you into friendships that resemble the aspects your double betrayal is a sign that they are not understanding their own boundary work and risky behaviors.
They do not need deep connection with the whole world either! They may want it. But they do NOT need it.
You can do this (I am at 3 close friends with a 4th maybe on the way. I have dropped 2. One passed away… 10 years of just 5 maximum.)
(Oh. I have rebuilt trust with Mr Uxor. Acquaintances still try to access him even right in front of me.
He is not one of my 5 though he meets my criteria.
I am talking 5 trusted woman friends, maximum, is all I need. Just to clarify. )
He is currently my now trusted wayward. A deep connection.
Which I have the right to emotionally draw back from with anything dangerous for our marriage. That IS reconciliation.
So.
1. Find an IC. One who will not minimize your fears or pain. 2 Build a plan for healthy boundaries, assessing people, and just functional socializing.
3. Then nurturingt just the handful of friends to trust.
Hoping this helps.
[This message edited by Uxoragain at 3:30 PM, Monday, June 26th]
