SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was doing so well, but I got so lonely on Thursday. He came home from work a little early. I was happy to see him, and I just started hugging and kissing him. Thankfully I had a meeting to go to, and he turned down my invitation to bed.

I was like an addict with their drug of choice! My brain kept saying "Wtf? Stop it immediately!" And my heart kept seeing the old husband, the one I had fun with and inside jokes, and the way his eyes crinkled up in the corners when he smiled at me.

Last night when he came home he was colder, probably talking to OW about how awful I am. I stayed up waiting until he got home so I could see him.

It is SO FRICKIN HARD to stop the pick me dance!

I started fresh today. We had to sit down and talk about some bills, but I only talked about that then left the room.

I'm still crying every day. I know it will get better, but it feels like the pain is a huge abyss that I am falling into. I just want it to stop.

One day at a time, it’s not easy letting go. When you have finally had enough the 180 will come naturally. Please use the 180 for what it is, a way to remove yourself from infidelity. 180 means to turn completely around and head the other direction. Don’t use it as manipulation tool, be done move the opposite direction.

[This message edited by Tanner at 10:31 PM, Saturday, July 1st]

You've learned that any communication with him other than what is necessary is going to pull you down into the rabbit hole again.

Dig yourself out and please try not to engage with him again. You are just going experience more heartache and rejection.

I do have trouble remembering that I do actually need to leave this relationship. It is not good or healthy. I need to be done.
Thank you, Tanner, for your kind words.

Annb, yes, it is a rabbit hole.
It is so hard to remember that he is not a trusted friend any longer. I wish I didn't love him so much

In the D/S forum, there's a thread you can post in to help stay NC. Post there what you'd like to say to him.

My first attempts at the 180 were pretty crummy and I made mistakes.

Guff yourself grace because this is hard.

Just remember that you are human and there will be days when it does not go well. Whilst I was doing a soft 180, one night I just triggered and ended up crying in my WS arms, I even told her how scared I was of losing her. It happens, we are not robots but humans with feelings.

It does get better, in my case WS made the decision for me by leaving for the AP, but ever since she has been shocked by my strength and composure. A strength that I did not know I had until I had to find it. I suspect you are the same, we did not ask for this crummy deal, but trust you will find the strength to cope.

Good luck to you.

Last night when he came home he was colder, probably talking to OW about how awful I am. I stayed up waiting until he got home so I could see him.

Aw, that sounds hard. A big hug to you. You sound lovely and warm. He doesn’t deserve your warmth and love currently. But YOU do. Which is what the 180 is all about: self focus, self care and self love. Turning 180 degrees towards yourself. It takes practice but you can do this. Xxx

180 means detachment. It's not an easy thing to do, especially when you and your husband are staying under the same roof. It's takes time and consistent efforts from you. It's possible. Don't be too hard on yourself. When you fail, you quickly pick yourself up. Be generous and kind to yourself. Let go of the outcome. You are not doing 180 to get some kind of reaction from your husband. You are doing this to lift yourself up and escape infidelity hell either through R or D.

It’s not that you failed the 180. It’s that you saw some hope to move past the affair and attempt to R. Unfortunately the cheater in your life has other plans.

I was you 10 years ago. I didn’t know about SI so I kept trying and trying and making myself crazy and frustrated. My H was kind and caring one day and then mean and heartless the next few days (b/c he planned to D me and the OW was just "perfect").

Take hold of the fact this actions are broadcasting exactly where he is and what he wants. Don’t read into his words. They mean nothing.

The next time you want to be pleasant or be sociable, remember his cold attitude and heartless behavior. That will keep you on the 180 path and protect you.

Today was better. I kept busy all day. He was trying to be nice, I guess, by sending me funny memes, and I laugh reacted, but didn't respond otherwise.

Thankfully he is going to visit his son tomorrow night and won't be home. I think I need some breathing space.

It is finally really hitting me that this marriage is over. I don't know WH at all. I never thought he would have been capable of hurting me and the kids this way. But he is not only capable, he is actively doing it.

Here's hoping tomorrow is easier.

It’s one foot in front of the other. Day by day.

You now have the realization that he’s not going to change. He’s probably going to do nothing to R but if YOU want to do the heavy lifting then he’s OKAY with that.

So sorry for you. That realization really is like a sucker punch. The good news is you will survive it. We all do.

I think you should stop responding to his texts at all. That just gives him an excuse that "she’s good" and that he’s not "really the bad guy".

He was trying to be nice, I guess, by sending me funny memes, and I laugh reacted, but didn't respond otherwise.

Leave him on read if you can bring yourself to do so. He's not your friend. He's sending you these things for HIS benefit, not for yours. It eases HIS conscience if you play nice with him. It allows him to tell himself that, "If we are friendly towards one another, what I'm doing can't be THAT bad. This really is for the best." It allows him to escape any feelings of guilt he may have. You, on the other hand, get to agonize over your responses. He also gets the best of both worlds by continuing his A out in the open and having you as his friend. You're making this easier for him.

I'm sorry, this is so difficult. It typically takes our heart a lot longer to process change, than it does our head.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 6:56 PM, Tuesday, July 4th]