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My heart sinks as I cannot believe I am even writing these words. I have been married 4 years. My husband seemed committed, always said I am the love of his life. We are pretty much attached at the hip and very social with other couples locally. He had cheated his first wife, but it was 15 years ago. I found some texts on his phone last year, nothing too alarming, just old girlfriends saying hi. He always deletes them. We live in a somewhat small community. But something about one of them did not feel right. I have the automobile's tracker ap on the car, as it is my car, which I own. So it pains me to say this, but I started looking. I noticed about 8 months ago he kept going to a secluded park for an hour or so about once a week. He drives many errands for work so I thought nothing of it. But he never mentioned it and I became too scared to ask because it did not sit right.

Fast forward, I see something on his phone recently where someone says she 'misses him'. Of course deleted. I was not sure who it was but I think I know from the context. My heart sank. Then 1 week later he calls me to tell me he is in one place running an errand, but the tracker ap tells me something very different. He accidentally then sent me a text that was intended for her, but it was not explicit so he managed to talk his way out of it. But it rattled him, I know this for a fact. He thought he was caught, but I kept the call short.

Due to a phone setting in my car, I overheard their conversation moments later. He had her on speaker. He was in fact definitely going to meet her somewhere but HE called it off immediately because he felt that they were going to make mistakes and said it was too hard to keep trying to do this because my radar is up. The other woman is married, I believe an ex lover who has come back for more. She pretended it was ok, but she was disappointed. She is nothing special at all, I am not actually threatened by her, otherwise he would have chosen her in the past. I am not sure what to do. Inside I feel like I am dying and I wish I did not know, but now that I know I am sitting on this info and it is eating me alive. He does not know that I know. I am not confronting yet - I want to gather facts and I have nowhere to go but this broken home. I just feel so sad and so alone.

People think we are the happy couple but from what I can tell, he has been meeting this woman 2-3 times a month for intimacy, during the day when she can escape her husband. It sounds tawdry, but this is what I have pieced together. I don't know if it is over, but based on the conversation, it was hard to tell. He kind of said to her in a 4 minute conversation, we can't do this, its too risky right now and I need to see where things go with her. (meaning me) He seemed to want to get off the phone with her, it was clear she was clinging a bit. I want to stay vigilant. Background - our sex life decreased last year, and it was me who was a bit frigid. It has gotten somewhat better recently. I am so depressed and angry - I never thought I would be into situation, Meanwhile, we are out socializing with friends and living our lives like nothing is going on. I almost wish I did not know. I have held it in for 3 weeks. I know I should divorce him, but I am not ready to divorce, I only just got married and it makes me so sad. Anyone been in this situation?

I am sorry you are here, Sad. But glad you found us.

Gently, he cheated on his first wife and he’s cheating on you. During the first years of your M. He is a serial cheater and he is probably not going to change. So the question becomes, what do you want to do now? You don’t have to decide this minute, but ultimately you will have to decide. Serial cheaters can change… but it is really really hard and really really rare. And they have to want to change and commit to YEARS of work to become a safe partner.

I think you have an advantage that you have not confronted him. You can take this time to observe and reflect without his interfering.
And please understand that he didn’t cheat b/c of anything you did or didn’t do. He cheated b/c he wanted to. If he was unhappy with your sex life, he could have discussed it with you. Also I suspect your lack of desire was your spidey senses telling you he us up to no good.

1) See a lawyer or three to understand what D might look like. You don’t have to file, but knowledge is power and will help reduce fear of the unknown.
2) See your doctor for a full STI/STD panel. Don’t be embarrassed- they see it all the time. Use protection if you have sex with him. Many SI members have picked up a little life-threatening souvenir from their WS, so do this ASAP. While there, talk to you Dr about any sleep or anxiety issues you may be experiencing.
3) Take care of your health. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol (ask me how know this one :-/ ), get some exercise every day, and try to get enough sleep. Taking care of your physical health will help with your mental and emotional health.
4) Get into IC (independent counseling) for yourself. Look for a trauma or betrayal specialist if you can. This will help you get through this and understand what you want to do.
5) Do you have any IRL support you can trust? A bestie, sister, mom, pastor, etc? Someone who will support you whether you R or D? It can really help, but you want to choose carefully.
6) Take a deep look at what D would take. Do you have kids? Do you jointly own a home? Do you have a job and can you support yourself on it?
7) Read in the healing library here and also in the Just Found Out forum, especially any pinned posts or posts with the bullseye on them. You may have to go a few pages back to find the bullseye posts.

You are the prize here. And you deserve better. Keep posting, and know that you will survive this.

Others will be along with more advice, but weekends can be al

Thank you for being here for me. You are correct, I think he is a serial cheater. As sad as this sounds, I am not ready for divorce yet, but I fear it will end there so I plan to go to lawyers. In my Husbands case, his biggest fear/motivation is people finding out the truth about him. He is well-known in town and I think his fear of getting caught/outed stopped him in his tracks last week. I am going to lay low and observe. I don’t know if it is fixable, that big conversation will likely end the relationship as I don’t believe he will be contrite.

Last week I even told him I had some concerns about his history and asked him if he even wanted to be married and he said ‘of course we have a perfect life and I love you.’ This was the day before he made plans to see her. It’s really painful but at some point I need to tell him what I know. It’s hard to hold it inside, I feel like I am in limbo and a bad dream. I know other people have it worse than me, but this is pretty bad. Ugh.

Hi, sadincolorado, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

I have to agree with Bearly Breathing, your husband is probably a serial cheater and will unlikely change.

I found some texts on his phone last year, nothing too alarming, just old girlfriends saying hi. He always deletes them.

^^^ Red flag. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. Gently, not only is he a cheater but he has zero boundaries with other women. Married men do not text old girlfriends. They text their wives, their sisters, their mom/dad/brothers/children, and very close friends.

IMO he will probably lay low for awhile then start up again when he feels it is safe to do so

When you confront him, do it calmly AND do not ever, ever reveal your sources. He does not need to know you have a tracker in that vehicle.

After confronting him, inform the husband of the affair partner. He deserves to know he is living a lie as well.

Please find a good IC to help you navigate this trauma.

You deserve a faithful man who is not a liar and a cheater.

I know other people have it worse than me, but this is pretty bad

.
There is no scale of pain— no one’s pain is better or worse. And your pain is understandable.

One thing I want to mention— if/when you confront, don’t tell him how you know. Keep your sources secret.
And his wanting to keep his reputation intact may be helpful if you D— don’t protect him, but use that as a negotiating tool so he plays nice.

Again, sorry you are here. Keep reading and posting.

Thank you for weighing in…I agree I am not revealing any of my sources. He does not deserve that information. I do plan to blindside him when I am ready and when I am very fed up. I plan to go full on public with this as well, unless he wants to negotiate or seems contrite.

And you are right - my fear is that he will start up again when he feels safe. I keep wondering if this is worth saving or trying to save. He trusts me with almost everything, his family, kids, our finances, house decisions - you name it. I am very dominant/central in his life as he designed it that way. I don’t understand how he could put me such a central position in his world and do this on the side. It’s almost as if he keeps me around so he looks stable and coupled off.

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and the pinned threads in this forum. Lots of good info there. Some basic thoughts: Always value yourself. It’s okay to be selfish for you and your children. Know that nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. When confronted, like so many, he may try DARVO, and deny and blameshift. You are not to blame. He may try to manipulate you and gaslight. Trust your gut and the evidence in front of you.

From what you describe your WH wants the appearance of being the decent partner and family man while carrying on his betrayal. It sounds like he likes validation and adoration and is afraid of being seen negatively. He also enjoys having a second life hidden from view. Don’t try to figure out the mind of a cheater. It is pure selfishness and self-entitled behavior that has been a pattern in the past. Most importantly take care of you. Exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of rest. Get into IC and rely on trusted friends and family when the need arises. See an attorney to learn your rights. Get tested for STD’s. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:44 PM, Saturday, July 8th]

Hi Sad,

I’m sorry you find yourself here. I agree with the others - do not reveal your source. The information that you have and the information you will continue to gather - believe it! All of that information is concrete evidence that he cannot weasel his way out of. He may be laying low for now because he suspects you’re on to him - but eventually he will slip up. Be vigilant! Claim a rather nasty UTI or some other personal issue if you want to keep from having sex with him for the time being. It wasn’t clear in your post - but do you know who the AP is?? Also - I find it so disrespectful (among other things) that he’s so concerned about his reputation in the community YET he risks his reputation, his marriage, his whole family by cheating around. So having said that - he doesn’t deserve you protecting his reputation. When you do confront - let APs husband know, let family and friends know. When my WH had his A (in 2012) I let EVERYONE know - I wasn’t going to protect my WH’s reputation or standing in the family. Nope. He doesn’t deserve your good graces for what he has done AND IS STILL doing to you and your family. There are some BSs here who sat on info for a long time before confronting - I just don’t have that kind of willpower, so my hats off to you for being able to act normal when your world is falling apart. Take care of yourself and stay strong. Keep coming here for advice and when you need to vent and rage. We are here to support you through this. {{{hugs}}}

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 1:03 AM, Sunday, July 9th]

Hi SadinColorado

I am sorry you are here. I hope you find SI supportive and receive great advice. Please be sure to use the Healing Library. There is great information there.

Also check out the I Can Relate section to look for posts regarding serial cheaters.

I can tell you from my experience about serial cheaters. I have had 10 friends and relatives married to serial cheaters. Not one of them changed during the marriage or after the D. They just continued to cheat. Many of them were cheated on prior to the marriage — and the behavior just continued in the marriage.

Your H cheated in his first wife. That is/was a red flag. And now you see him for what he is - a serial cheater.

It’s not important why the cheaters cheat in the case if a serial cheater. It’s their "drug" of choice so to speak. As you stated your H loves you but he’s not capable of monogamy.

At some point you have to decide what is best for you. I would suggest you finding yourself a good counselor who can support you through this difficult situation. They won’t tell you the answers but they will help you make some decisions for yourself.

But without intense therapy there is no chance your H will change and suddenly become monogamous.

I hope this helps you and you continue posting here. We all understand the devastating impact this has on your life. We are here to support you.

This is just a note to say that some serial cheaters do redeem themselves. The thing is: your H seems to be more concerned about your finding out that he's cheating than about his cheating itself.

My bet is that the serial cheaters who have redeemed themselves decided to become authentic. They decided to start living a life that didn't need to be hidden. They didn't pretend to stop lying; they actually stopped lying.

My reco is to stay focused on yourself and what you want. Give yourself time to absorb this terrible blow. Start to heal. Take action when you're ready.

I cannot express enough the gratitude I feel toward all of you. I am sitting at my computer crying because I feel like I have a place to share my pain and check my sanity. I am going to get some IC asap.

In the meantime to answer some questions, I think I know who the AP is (90% sure). I do know that she had been the one to pursue him. I am doing more investigative work, but it will take me a few weeks. Especially now that he knows that I am 'on to him'. I have decided to use my willpower to play it cool and act normal until I have more concrete evidence. It is NOT easy, oh my goodness. The pain I am feeling every time I look at him. He feels like a stranger to me now. The reality is slowly hitting me: this guy regularly met his AF in a park for sex and then came home to me. How low and disgusting. I want anonymously alert husband at some point, but not sure how to reach him. That is part of my investigative work.

In my heart, all I want is for my husband to never cheat again. I could possibly forgive, but everyone here points to the serial cheater syndrome. I agree he is laying low for now, but I fear for 3 months from now if I don't confront this and/or get a plan.

I will NEVER give up my sources to him EVER, so thank you all for telling me not to. I am pretty isolated, as this is his town and I moved here for him. I have become close with his friends and family. We were at an event yesterday and I looked around the room knowing that everyone there would be disgusted if they knew the truth about what has done to me. I could blow up his reputation right here and now, but will restrain myself for now and keep it in my back pocket. As I mentioned, he is prominent, so if and when when I do go public, I want it to be a well thought-out plan. In other words, I need to gather more evidence, see the lawyers, decide if I want to speak with him about his cheating or just serve him with divorce papers and ruin his reputation. In order to do that I want an exit plan, because as mentioned, I am a bit isolated here. I cannot afford to do anything rash.

sadincolorado, I can so relate to your story.

My deceased wh passed away over 3 years ago.

He was a compulsive liar and serial cheater too.

He also used me and the kid's to cover up his double life of cheating with other women.

He was also in a higher position that required honesty and integrity.🙄

I stayed but stuck my head in the sand out of fear and financial dependence on him. And I loved him. And trusted and believed in him. I never thought he could do these horrid things to me but he did. This was who he was. This was his norm. He also felt entitled.

I was always asking the same questions as you are asking him, are you sure you aren't cheating on me? Are you sure that you love me? His responses were the same as your wh's responses are, of course I love you, you are the best!🤢🤮

One promise my deceased wh did keep was that he made sure that I was taken care before his death... finances, health insurance, etc. for the rest of my life. In this respect I feel grateful.

I now have PTSD. It can get pretty bad when I get stressed but I am determined to overcome it. I also now have depression because of living with him and his other addictions too; alcoholism and his other obsessions.

After things started to surface, mine didn't want to change. He acted like he was working on change though but it was just a farce until I started to relax and let my guard down and was trying to trust him again.

These people are sick, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. And have poor coping mechanisms. I firmly believe most come from some sort of traumatic and warped past and wasn't able to process whatever was going on in their lives, in a healthy manner.

This is who they are and have more than likely been living this way for a very long time.

I would never ever ever EVER!!! put up with this abuse again! I don't care how nice they may be to my face, or how much they spend on me trying to buy my love and forgiveness or a way to justify their cheating. Nope. Nope, not ever going to happen again. He is gone now but still.

Recently a man came onto me and asked me if I wanted to be "friends with benefits" and I told him to go and take a hike. I actually liked him at first, until he opened his mouth.

Please take care of yourself and try and work things through before you take any leap. You sound pretty solid and stable which will prove to be invaluable as you carry on and figure your future out. I was a complete mess and could barely function. And the worst part of it was that he loved to emotionally hurt me and see me in pain but he also loved to love on me. Today when I look back at our past together, I clearly can see how sick he was. There is so much more to my story but think I'll stop for now.

Do yourself a favor and don't put up with this abuse anymore.

Good luck. Keep posting here. Best help you will ever get. I will be following along as your story unfolds.

Take care.

Thank you everyone, I am hanging on by a thread. I could have gotten over it if the A had ended 3 days ago, but after today's discovery, it is different. I see them plotting into the future (I heard details about future meet-ups) and they seem to have no intention of stopping until something happens and even then, I doubt they will stop. I can't get in to see lawyers for a week, I work full-time so trying to stay focused on that too. I am afraid to tell anyone outside of IC, which I have this week. I know one thing - if this got out, he would have a lot of people VERY pissed at him - and his image is important to him. Given that he had one bad/controversial divorce under this belt, and he found me after and claimed to the entire universe that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, I think people would look at him with disgust. That fear might be the only thing that would stop him. But I agree- we would need to repair, as I can't brush it under the rug.

One thing I noticed was that some have chimed in and been so supportive, but some are also people who were able to get into reconciliation. I feel pretty sure he won't change, he seems to feel zero guilt, the more I replay our conversations and all of the various lies. So my brain agrees with everyone that he is damaged and not fixable, and my heart is hoping for a better outcome.

Also many have suggested telling the husband of the affair partner - I agree he needs to know, but how might that affect me? Do I give the name of my WH or do I just say she is involved with someone local? What have people experienced with this?

but at some point I need to tell him what I know.

Actually you don’t need to ever say a thing to him. Ever. From this moment on you would be 100% in your rights to have all future dealings with him occur through a lawyer. You owe him nothing, and he will probably just give you lies.

I understand the desire. Tell him you know, and that will make him go scared straight. How did that work with his first marriage?

What will really happen is he will use that knowledge to get his bearings and develop a plan to manipulate you. Lie. Control.

So do the things you would do as if you told him, but don’t tell him what you know. You know what he is doing. He knows what he is doing. All you would be telling him is that you know some of what he is doing. He will lie right up to the that some.

Tell him nothing, just act. He will be so disoriented he won’t have a f***ing clue what is happening. You will have the power.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:08 AM, Tuesday, July 11th]

I wish I was that strong. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll be able to, but right now I am just too unwilling to let go. Because I am pathetic and have no backup plan and I am so mad at him and her and I don’t want to give them what they want. If anything I’ll just settle here and annoy them. If I was on the outside I would tell my friend to dump him by serving him papers. Asap. Agree. But I am Still so sad and want to fix it. I know I know….I wish I had no feelings for him. If I could be brainwashed to turn it off I would.

You have suffered a real trauma. What you thought was your reality has been blown up in a heartbeat. Take care of you. Keep up the IC. Go about your business as best you can. Enjoy a distraction as best you can. Do see an attorney to learn your rights. Protect yourself financially. If you are not ready to act yet it is totally understandable. As the enormity of his deception and betrayal begins to sink in, you will be able to act. Right now take care of you.

… and I don’t want to give them what they want.

I think what they want is what they have right now. La la land unicorn unreality with a safe home base. Let them have each other, and the magic is gone.

I can't figure him out. He just sat with me taking about vacation plans, holiday plans, family plans and even plans from 2 years from now. What is the point of that? Is it possible that he just wants to sleep with this person and nothing more? He is wrong and a liar - I am still going to the divorce lawyer and I am still very angry.

But the more I think about it, I suspect maybe they know that they could probably not easily be together publicly because there is some historical damage they did, and they would not really be 'accepted' as a couple. He is a fairly public figure and some people knew about the first affair they had, so his reputation would take a big hit. He knows I would not be the type to go quietly. I think they enjoy the covertness, given that this was their MO all those years ago. I know I am overthinking the wrong part of this situation. It need to be about me making a plan to get out of this. Problem is I have nowhere to go and don't want to leave my life here.

I had the recorder in the car again, but heard nothing for 2 days. I guess I was just 'lucky' to catch him on a few days where I could gather all of that information.

This nightmare continues.